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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

So angry i can barely speak

125 replies

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 13:07

So i will type instead.

My not so DD was on facebook this am, put something on her status indicating she was upset about something. (DD is 20 and doesn't live at home btw) I ask her what is wrong - fuck off she tells me. Nice!! Anyway, brief background, she doesn't havea job and my mum pays her to walk her dog for her - I used to walk him but i stopped when i got a job. My job didn't work out but i just let DD carry on with it because i didnt feel comfortable taking money from my mum and it never stopped with the dog walking, there was always, "while you're here can you pop to the town for me etc etc" She basically takes the piss, but you know how it is, its my mother, what can you do. So now my DD is the one who my mum thinks doesn't have a life so can run after her all the time - well, if DD got a job then she woudlnt be able to (different story). So after being told to fuck off, i was already Angry i said WTF is going on, my mum had already been on phone to me asking for number for boiler company, spoke to me like shit, clearlly in bad mood. So DD tells me im lazy don't do anything for nanny etc. Her cat been in the vets all this week, DD been doing the tooing and froing, i thought ah good, because i am mid tax return hell and im pretty preoccupied just now. But anyway, my mother obviously been slagging me off to dd as the stuff she said is stuff that my mum rings me and slags DD off to me.

Then phone rings, "what are you doing" says my mum, "sorting tax return out" "Well i cant get the fucking cat to the vets and its half dead (its not) and ive got to wait for the gas man" I said, well had you phoned me and asked me i woudl have taken her to the vets for you "oh dont worry about it" and slammed the phone down. So i have to fucking drop everything to take the cat to the vets, - which i dont mind, really i dont, it was my cat anyway in the first place - but why the hell do i get spoken to like shit by my mother AND DD!!! I am seething.

Ive just taken the cat to the vets, my mother trying to back track because i told her she has been slagging me off to DD. She says i only go there when i want something - not true. I do avoid her alot of the times because she moans on about shit and is difficult (like Catherine tates nanna but more malevolent) to put up with. Last weekend i ASKED her to come out with me and DD2 (aged 5) because i thought that she hadn't seen her for a bit, DP was working and i thought she woudl like to have the opportunity, but no, i only ever go there when i want something FFS.

What is wrong with, when you want/need something - phoning someone and asking them, it would have been much easier for me if she rang this morning and said, oh the cats still not eating would you mind taking her to the vets for me. Instead i had to break my stride in what i was doing and go just now. I am supposed to read her mind, she was even on he phone earlier to me moaning about the woman from the boiler company who was apparently "rude" errr, well if she spoke the her the way she spoke to me, if i were the woman from the bioler company i would have told her to fuck off! I am pre occupied due to tax return {stressed out about it) so i didnt ask after the cat.

Upset that DD spoke to me like that, but just steaming with my mother. She fascilitates my DD not getting a job because she gives her money all the time, and then thinks she is at her beck and call. What has happened today is that DD pissed off, didnt want to take the cat etc, so i end up getting shit on. FFS

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 13:51

Superlative, i take deep offence to your insinuation about my 5 year old DD. Nice civilised world - get over yourself will you, we are all allowed to be angry

Im walking away from this tread now, really - you lot have made me feel like shit. Have you enjoyed your chav bashing - you know nothing about me or my family.

Merrylegs, you are spot on, i should grow a pair and stick up to my mother, firmly but nicely but its never that easy, im an only child so its all on me, and now its all on DD and im not happy about that either.

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 28/01/2011 13:52

I think you all sound as mad as a box of frogs. And not in a good way.

Feel sorry for DD2 and the cat.

sueperlative · 28/01/2011 13:52

you live in cukoo land if you think when your kids grow up they wont ever swear at you, even if they dont do it to your face. they will. I assure you.

dont judge us all by your standards please

my children are grown up and have never ever sworn at me, respect I think the old fashioned term is :)

mind you, i never swore at them nor did their dad so thats probably your answer

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 13:54

knitted, i have spoken to my DD and she has apologised. Of course i want to know what my DD does on FB - you never know when you can slip in the odd embarrasing photo or story!!! We actually have quite a good relationship and don't get wound up about language and stuff, its only words - but shes not to tell me to fuck off like that and she is contrite.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 28/01/2011 13:55

why the flaming??

dont get it! anyway brightlights,hope you sort it out!

BarbieLovesKen · 28/01/2011 13:55

Actually, although I do think the OP is being unreasonable, I think its very unfair to say that you feel sorry for the poor 5 year old dd caught in the middle - bit over the top now, isnt it?

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 28/01/2011 13:56

Op you might have had a better reaction from chat rather than aibu

KnittedBreast · 28/01/2011 13:59

whether you swear at your children or not, at 20yrs old you think they wont ever have heard the f word? school? work? friends? tv?

lol at the very idea.

my children have never sworn at me, but they are 4 and 2. im waiting til teenage years.

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 14:01

if i were ranting at my mother and DD the way i ranted on here I would feel sorry for my poor DD2 stuck in the middle, but i haven't. I am talkng twith DD1 now and she has apologised, i apologised too and we are friends. But to those of you who suggest i am a bad mother, i think that is just absolutely vile and you have made me feel quite sick, seriously. What an awful thing to say to someone over a trivial family argument that whilst i was so angry i couldnt speak about it, i didn't speak about it and ranted on here instead. I didnt expect eveyone to agree with me, i wouldnt want people saying bad things about my mother tbh, but to say that sort of stuff about my little ddd is just beyond contempt.

I do hope your children grow up into the perfect teenageer and adults you want them to. I know i am very proud of my volatile, outspoken DD who pretty much does do everything for her nan, without complaint. So she takes money to walk the dog - so what. You don't know me, you don't know my family - if you did, you would never say those things. Seriously, you need to look into your hearts a little.

FWIW i probably was being unreasonable, i accept that - but just so dumbfounded at being called a bad mother. Angry

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 14:02

Next time she phones and is rude just don't do what she is asking other wise youa re rewarding bad behaviour (just like a child!)

As for you DD, she seems to have no respect for you and should not talk to you like that. Do you talk to her like that? Is it normal in your house? I think she needs a kick up the bum to get a better job.

Could your mum be convinced to stop giving her money? Tell your mum that she is enabling her GD to not move forward with her life and start working. That she's holding her back.

You all need to start treating each other with more respect.

Lulumaam · 28/01/2011 14:04

OP, i am not sure why you've had such a pasting.

However, i am aware of your back history ( i started a thread ot wave to you thte other day when i realised who you were! ) and therefore probably more sympathetic

but definitely agree that your DD needs to try to get a job and you also need to say no to your mum and leave it at that and not cave in , things will improve a lot if you are not all locked in a circle of relying on each other

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 14:06

ah, thanks lulumaaam. Waves back!!!

monkeyflippers, i have told my mum this re DD. DD lives with her boyfriend who is just lovely, she IS trying to get a job, but i think she would try harder if my mum didn't give her money. Its never cut and dry is it. Life.

OP posts:
chitchatinsantasear · 28/01/2011 14:11

Why is everyone having a go at the OP? Where the hell has she said she swore at her mother or her daughter????? She swore HERE on MN, not in the conversations. Bloody Nora, I very, very rarely swear in person but her on MN I'm known to let loose with a few, and I'll bet you lot are too.

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 14:11

Well it's good that she's trying to get a job (it's not always as easy as some people think is it). It sounded originally like she couldn't be bothered.

Seriously though, stick up for yourself with your mum! No one shold talk to you like that and you don't want you dds (5yo more obviously) to pick up on that way of talking to you.

monkeyflippers · 28/01/2011 14:12

I really should re read before I post. So many mistakes!

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 14:13

lulumaaam I need to get a job!! but my DPs business has gone mental, i stupidly said i would do tax return, um, bad move - but too late now, its for me to do, hey ho. Be better than forking out for an accountant who will charge £400 for half an hours work. Just a bit stressed about making sure its right though - have visions of going to prison for not filling it in properly Confused. Have some opportunity to return to my lab and do some voluntary work to get my hand back in so very excited about htat - just now need to magic a few more hours in the day - im good though, how are you>?

Seriously though, to those of you who have judged me so severely, it really was unpleasant to watch and im not sure what it says about you. I was mad as a snake when i posted the OP, so mad in fact i couldnt speak. I have calmed down - spoken to DD who is now trying to sweet talk me into dog sitting her her (she is dog sitting for my mothers neighbour, for free - so no she is not a money grabbing good for nothing!!). My mother can stew in her own juices for a bit and she can phone me to ask about the cat.

OP posts:
KnittedBreast · 28/01/2011 14:14

you are not a bad mother at all.

If your mother behaves like this regularly and flips over such small things then it quite obviously has nothing to do with you its her issues.

brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 14:18

no ones perfect knitted, i do allow my mother to push my buttons, and DD1 to. But they are both lovely - everyone loves my DD because she will bend over backwards for everyone. Vile mouth on her though, vile!! Grin But thats the thing isn't it, people have judged our relationship, just because she told me to fuck off - now to me, its not the end of the world, althoguh i haven bollecked her severely about it, she apologised. Now she is busy telling me about her clubbing tonight, im not so sure i want to know!!!

OP posts:
brightlightsandpromises · 28/01/2011 14:21

oh no hang on, im talking to my DD about her night out in a divey old nightclub where she may well have one over the eight - bad bad mother!

OP posts:
Kitsichick · 28/01/2011 14:56

You sound as ill mannered as each other
And this is what I meant by 'not showing each other respect' in an earlier post in our Society by peppering our dialogue with as many expletives as possible..
The language you use describing your family shows no affection. Even though you are angry there is no sense of 'family' in this. It's all about 'me, me me' MY rights. HOW can you tell your own DM to 'eff off'.!
If you have brought up your DD the way your mother seems to have brought you up, this cycle could run forever. In which case you need anger management and counslling - or possibly a decent education- NOT Mumsnet.

KnittedBreast · 28/01/2011 15:04

wow. If you cant vent online where can you? much rather the op vent here than at her precious family who will obvioulsy collapse into years of therapy as they are much too precious to hear the F word.

:/

clevercloggs · 28/01/2011 15:05

maybe not too precious, but for my family they would be extremely hurt, as would I, if we had to resort to foul language to express ourselves

StopTalkingAndEatYourDinner · 28/01/2011 15:16

Actually, I think the posters on here who have been so nasty and judgmental to the OP are ill mannered. Did it make you feel better to tell her she was a bad mother/link to JK etc?

Must be nice to be perfect Hmm

altinkum · 28/01/2011 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kenobi · 28/01/2011 15:31

I found your original post to be really Biscuit but having read your comments on the thread that throwmetothelions/allhaildaddypig started, it makes more sense - and it seems like you have a lot of unresolved anger towards your mum.
I know that sounds ridiculously American and therapy-speak, and obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but it seems like you need to get some distance/perspective from your mum.