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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I told DH I'm not his mum.

107 replies

oopslateagain · 25/01/2011 21:38

Sorry this is long and moany Blush

He's going away to work tomorrow for 3 days. Over the weekend I said he'd better let the bank know so there's no problems with his debit card (online banking so he just has to log on and click). He didn't. He'll be driving for 10 hours in Europe; tonight he said he would take food with him so he didn't have to stop. I don't have anything other than Dairylea triangles and Froobs, so I suggested he pop to the local supermarket (literally 2 minutes walk) as they've got a brilliant little 'lunch' fridge with sandwiches, wraps, fruit etc.

He just said he can't be bothered, he'll 'find something'.

He's sitting watching telly now, I asked if he was packed - I did all the laundry today and put all his clean stuff out on the bed so he could pick what he wanted. He said he'll do it in the morning.

He's leaving the house at 6.30am.

I asked if he had all his paperwork etc - he said he 'knows where it is'.

Bloody hell!!! Angry

I know he's going to wake me up at oh-fuck-early panicking because he can't find something.

This isn't unusual; if something needs doing he tends to leave it and leave it and I usually end up doing it. Except for things that I CAN'T do, like make him go to the doctor to get the blood test he needs before they'll give him any more of his tablets, the ones that he ran out of in APRIL.

I just told him that I'm not his mum and it's up to him to get his stuff sorted, and not to wake me up in the morning panicking because he can't find something.

And now he's all huffy. And I'm going to be ever-so-nice and go and apologise, cos I can't let him go away while there's bad feelings.

But AIBU to make a stand and STOP picking up the slack when he doesn't do stuff? It will make life really awkward for a while, I just know it will.

OP posts:
Plumm · 25/01/2011 21:39

YANBU - what would he do if you weren't around? He'd do it himself.

SkyBluePearl · 25/01/2011 21:44

Give him a big cuddle, wish him a lovely trip and then say you are planning a sleep in tomorrow. Stick your ear plugs and eye mask on - and don't let anything disturb you in the morning. If you do wake - enjoy the blss of being in bed and not moving. He really needs to learn how to organise himself and he won't do that if you are running around after him.

alarkaspree · 25/01/2011 21:44

The thing is you're kind of behaving like his mum when you ask him all those questions to check whether he is organised or not. And then it sounds as if you're nagging him and he thinks 'fgs I'm a grown man, I can organise my own lunch' and then you say 'I'm not your mother, you have to organise your own lunch' and he gets in a huff.

So apologise, yes, but definitely don't pick up any slack in the morning.

Changeisagoodthing · 25/01/2011 21:49

Chill.

He hasn't asked you to do anything. He is fine. He knows what to do. Everything will be sorted.

I think that you are treating him like a child- he is an adult. Just relax.

He doesn't want or need you to be his mother but you still want to treat him like a child.

Wikileeks · 25/01/2011 21:52

Are you sure you don't like him relying on you love ? There is no shame in it..I couldnt do that though...my DH would think my body had been invaded if I did anything kind for him Wink ...

curlymama · 25/01/2011 21:55

SkyBluePearl has said it perfectly. I think you should do what she said Smile

loubielou31 · 25/01/2011 21:56

YABU because you're checking up on him. Let him fall on his arse a few times and he'll learn to appreciate you a bit more. OR he might not fall on his arse and you have just been nagging at him?

Original poster
oopslateagain · 25/01/2011 21:57

I know I act like his mum, but some things need doing and unless I naggently remind him, or do them myself, they just Dont Get Done.

I don't WANT to treat him like a child, I just get Angry when he's irresponsible.

I mentioned last week that the shed door has swollen and won't shut so I've shoved a garden ornament against it to stop it opening. A bloody big flowerpot man. Yesterday morning he went out to get something; yesterday evening I popped out there and the flowerpot man was in the middle of the path, the shed door wide open, and the rain pouring inside - right into his open toolbox. He can't have forgotten to block the door shut, he had to step OVER the flowerpot man to walk back to the house. And when all the bloody tools go rusty, he'll buy more.

...And breathe.

OP posts:
Wikileeks · 25/01/2011 21:59

I agree with Loubielou31... let him come unstuck just this once ? go on,it might surprise you xxxx

Lara2 · 25/01/2011 22:03

Let him sort himself - if he goes hungry, runs out of clean pants, forgets his paperwork, then that's his problem and he may do things differently next time. And if he doesn't? Hey, it's still his problem.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/01/2011 22:04

Oh PMSL... Changeisagoodthing..... that literally had me howling..... oh Ye of immense faith....

I'll eat my hat if he swans off without an almighty hoo-ha.

oops PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE come back and tell us of your hellish morning when your DH goes into utter panic???

How many swears are we anticipating?

Muttering or full blown row? [bgrin]

Sit back with your tea, arms folded and watch the panic unfold...

Original poster
oopslateagain · 25/01/2011 22:12

LittleMiss, dd has a clicky-counter thingy. Am tempted to discreetly click every time he swears, but think it will probably fall apart if its clicked that fast...

I bet he wakes me up with a cuppa at five-ish. Just in case. Grin

OP posts:
prettymuchapixiegirl · 25/01/2011 22:12

I would leave him to it and enjoy watching him panic in the morning whilst you enjoy lying in your nice warm bed!

And yes I agree with LittleMissHissyFit, you must come back and update us all!

Original poster
oopslateagain · 25/01/2011 22:16

Update: he's in the kitchen with a huge pile of paperwork, sorting through it with a worried look on his face. I bet he's just realised he desperately needs something and has no idea where it is.

Not that he should have done it, oh, I don't know, yesterday or something.

I'm not being horribly unhelpful, but I literally have no idea about his 'work' paperwork or where it is or what he might have done with it.

Am sitting watching telly with cat on lap.Grin

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 25/01/2011 22:18

Marking my place to see how the morning goes.

Good luck, oops!

EightiesChick · 25/01/2011 22:21

[marking place too] Yes, keep fussing that cat...

prettymuchapixiegirl · 25/01/2011 22:24

Glad I'm not the only one who sits with a cat glued to my lap in the evenings.

:-)

upahill · 25/01/2011 22:26

Blimey. I don't even pack for my 14 year old.
he has just gone to Derbyshire with the school for a week and the only thing he has asked for was to borrow my duffle bag.

I can't imagine packing for DH or anybody else for that matter!

zipzap · 25/01/2011 22:30

When If he does wake you tomorrow morning, remember to say 'But you told me when I asked you about this at the weekend and last night that you knew where it is/were going to do it this morning/would find something and I told you that I needed to sleep in this morning, I'm really sorry but it's no good, I'm too tired to wake up now. I'm sure you'll find it/sort it all out like you said you would. Sorry, have a lovely trip but it's no good, I can't keep my eyes open, I'm soooo tired I can't wake up. night night... zzzzzz'

and then blow him a kiss, close your eyes, roll over and snuggle down to sleep again.

Even if he wakes you again and you have to get huffy and get up eventually because you feel you have to (and don't want him to go away when there is huffiness!) if the same thing happens next time you'll be able to point out that last time you specifically asked him not to wake you in the morning, you are happy to help him get sorted beforehand (obviously by nagging directing him as to what needs doing and not actually doing it for him!) but that you can't be doing with being woken up at 5am because he hasn't bothered getting organised the night before.

Oh and make sure that you set your alarm to go off the time you want to get up in the morning, make sure he doesn't set it to 5am for you!

fruitstick · 25/01/2011 22:33

DH is the same. I made a new year resolution to stop enabling his behaviour.

Apparently Sheila Hancock used to say to John Thaw 'Imagine I'm Dead, where would you look?'

On 2nd January DH asked me where his dressing gown was. I said 'I don't know, have you looked in the washing basket' He said know.

This exact same conversation carried on for 5 days, during which time DH almost bought a new dressing gown.

On the 5th day he needed a shirt urgently, I told him to look in the ironing basket or the washing basket. I was met with a triumphant cry of 'I've found my dressing gown' Grin

Repeat to fade 'the uterus is not a homing device'

maltesers · 25/01/2011 22:35

He is a grown man, as another post said let him become unstuck, and learn from his own mistakes. Dont mother him so....he knows you will do it, so he justs sits back and lets you get on with it.. . . lazy git.

Shodan · 25/01/2011 22:36

DH is very good about packing his own stuff etc for trips- especially so after he forgot to pack his cufflinks and thundered crept in to get them. I'm foul not very nice first thing in the morning and Bad Words were said.

However when we're all going on holiday I insist on doing all packing because I worry that the airline will lose one or more of our bags so distribute clothes for everyone throughout all cases...

There was absolutely no reason for me to tell you all that but I wanted to be subtle about marking my place for tomorrow's denouement... Grin

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 25/01/2011 22:39

Shodan that was very clever. I am impressed.

[bgrin]

fluffles · 25/01/2011 22:40

some people are planners and some people are last minute.. sometimes if i'm going away for work i like to enjoy my last evening in the house and can't be fagged doing anything.

don't nag, don't badger, but don't bail him out either.. he's a grown man. shut up and leave him to whatever happens tomorrow.

LoopyLoopsHasComeBackBrighter · 25/01/2011 22:44

So, are you his mum or aren't you? I was expecting some kind of Jeremy Kyle-style reveal. Is that happening in the morning?

Seriously though, sounds like you want to mother him, and that you're actually annoyed that he doesn't appreciate it. Let him sort himself out, and stop treating him like a child.