I told DH I'm not his mum.

[oopslateagain]

Sorry this is long and moany

He's going away to work tomorrow for 3 days. Over the weekend I said he'd better let the bank know so there's no problems with his debit card (online banking so he just has to log on and click). He didn't. He'll be driving for 10 hours in Europe; tonight he said he would take food with him so he didn't have to stop. I don't have anything other than Dairylea triangles and Froobs, so I suggested he pop to the local supermarket (literally 2 minutes walk) as they've got a brilliant little 'lunch' fridge with sandwiches, wraps, fruit etc.

He just said he can't be bothered, he'll 'find something'.

He's sitting watching telly now, I asked if he was packed - I did all the laundry today and put all his clean stuff out on the bed so he could pick what he wanted. He said he'll do it in the morning.

He's leaving the house at 6.30am.

I asked if he had all his paperwork etc - he said he 'knows where it is'.

Bloody hell!!!

I know he's going to wake me up at oh-fuck-early panicking because he can't find something.

This isn't unusual; if something needs doing he tends to leave it and leave it and I usually end up doing it. Except for things that I CAN'T do, like make him go to the doctor to get the blood test he needs before they'll give him any more of his tablets, the ones that he ran out of in APRIL.

I just told him that I'm not his mum and it's up to him to get his stuff sorted, and not to wake me up in the morning panicking because he can't find something.

And now he's all huffy. And I'm going to be ever-so-nice and go and apologise, cos I can't let him go away while there's bad feelings.

But AIBU to make a stand and STOP picking up the slack when he doesn't do stuff? It will make life really awkward for a while, I just know it will.

Oh bloody hell, if I was in hospital he'd live on microwave dinners and the house wouldn't see a hoover for weeks.

frgr, you communicated pretty well! And I do understand what you said. I got out of bed to get the torch because, despite wanting to NOT interfere this morning, he did actually need to get out the door to catch his ferry. And if he went banging about outside in the dark, he'd have most likely been really late. The only question I actually 'responded' to was the GPS one, and I was already up and in the kitchen by that time.

I need to sit down with him when he gets back, and let him know that I'm going to stop nagging. And let him organise himself from now on. I do agree with you, I'm smothering not mothering, and I didn't quite realise how bad I was.

Hey ho, it's going to be an interesting few weeks.

BTW, forgot to mention earlier - he DID find some nice snacks to take with him.

DD's bagels for her school lunches, which he apparently filled with the only ham in the fridge. And the whole multipack of Hula hoops. And the Froobs!!!

She went to school today with a Nutella wrap and Wotsits, she was thrilled!

out of all of that, the food thing is what would piss me off most.

Even though he was supposed to be buying stuff for himself and couldnt be arsed, and that your dd needed a lunch today, he took it anyway because it was easier for him?! I would be fuming about that, because to hell with him being late etc, your DD needing her lunch is more important than him needing a snack!

enjoyed reading this thread.

Totally agree a change of behaviour is required by both parties - I've been thought it (still going through it??) myself. I tend to be super organised & sorted in advance, lists, know where things are etc.

DP is very last minute - but he's learnt that while this may have got him by (in a rubbish way) as an individual, it really doesn't work as a family person & when I have taken it upon myself to bite my tounge, he has learnt. And if he's taken DD out without a drink/change of clothes/towel/snack etc then he has had to deal with the consequences too. And little by little he's changed.

OP I would be annoyed about the bagels/lunch, and it was inconsiderate - but part of the process is learning to let things go. Give him a year of you leaving him to it, for the same trip, he'll have a fab picnic planned in advance

Oops I tend to agree with some other posts that you haven't really done anythIng this morning to get him to change. The serious talk when he vets back is a good idea. But next time, ask a day or too ahead if there's anything he needs help with. Then, if he comes into the bedroom to ask you for help at stupid o'clock tell him in the grumpiest voice you can to leave you alone and do not get up. Missing the ferry would probably have been the quickest way to make him take more responsibility.

Also agree with bogeyface - taking his DDs lunch because he was too lazy to go to the shop last night is outrageous. I would find that kind of selfishness to be truly unacceptable and be asking him how he came to the conclusion his daughter should be treated like that. I know she didn't starve, probably loved the alternative, but he is draining family resources in a totally one-sided manner (ditto with the whole shed/tools thing). It's not right.

Bah typos. Vets=gets too=two and others. Sorry.

But if he was late, then he would be late. And this is just the sort of thing that adults have to deal with when they don't bother to organise themselves properly. Children, on the other hand, tend not to be late, as they have parents to organise them.

You feel like you are his mother because you act like his mother.

You don't want him to be late, so this overrides your desire for him to learn a lesson. But until he learns that (really fucking easy) lesson, nothing will change.

I think you like it.

Can I ask the oopslateagain how old you both were when you got together? And is this the first/only marriage for you both? I have a private theory that the younger people are when they hook up, the more likely they are to settle into a behaviour pattern of parent and child rather than two adults. People who get together when they're older or after a previous relationship tend (IME) not to have quite the same problem... they let the other person do their own thing more.

Am feeling pretty shitty now I've sat down and re-read all of this.

I am to blame.

I've sat here all through going "No, no, but..." and made excuses (don't want him to be late, had other stuff to make DD's lunch, can't let the tools rust) but when it comes down to it, I've done it to myself. He was military when we met, had lived by himself for years, and I went and mothered him into a fucking state of second-childhood.

frgr, Ephiny, Pfft, you are all dead right. I need to shake myself up and STOP.

How the hell did I end up doing this?

I don't think our house will be a happy one for a while. But I think - hope - it will be a BETTER one.

Mumsnet - like a psychiatrist, but with a hefty slap when needed.

Chil we were both 24 when we met. 1st serious relationship for both of us.

I agree. DH and I were 20 when we met and I've done it from the start.

I think when we are in our early 20s we like it. It certainly made me feel capable and independent, almost feminist :D. However, it was only once I'd had children that I started to resent it. When noone was there to look after ME. When I had to get 2 children AND a husband ready in the morning.

But on the plus side, if you caused it, you can change it.

How often does he go away for work?

How much you do is up to you, and I can see the point other posters are making. But, if missing ferries and business trips could affect his job, and so affect the whole family, then I don't think it's as black and white as being "his problem".

I think you should support him as best you can.

You'd done his laundry, so if he wants to leave it until the morning to chuck his clothes in a bag, leave him to it.

If you all knew, a few days in advance, that he was going away, why wasn't there enough food in to cover packed lunches for all the family? Food for a 10 hour drive isn't just snacks.

You should all know where your passports are, kept in a specific drawer or folder along with any travel documents.

Is he very disorganised with his work related paperwork? Does he drop stuff all around the home because there's nowhere to put it, or does he have a mass of disorganised folders & drawers.

You could ignore the shed issue, that's his problem not yours. But on the other hand, if the tools end up damaged does that mean that jobs around the house don't get done or an extra household expense to replace them?

He didn't decide to be the way he is. It's the way he's developed, so he isn't going to change overnight.

Pick your battles. Back off on the situations that aren't going to affect you in a major way. For the others, suggest/create ways of dealing with it.

Since when was it in the marriage vows to provide a picnic? I suppose it should be tied in a checked hankie too.

Fruitstick, I've just laughed out loud at that!

No you are not BU. The only unreasonableness is why you did in the first place. He is an adult, and that means taking the consequence of one's actions. He can work it all out for himself.

I think some women feel obliged to fuss over their men if they are more organised than them. Organised men don't have the same compulsion to fuss over disorganised women usually. My husband is more organised than me, I'm the last minute packer, although I always do it the night before as I know I am crap in the morning.
My husband doesn't feel the need to fuss over me though, he knows I'm an adult and capable of sorting out my own clothes, doing own ironing etc. I going away together he collects up relevent documents though.
He just does his packing and then gets on with something else or relaxes.
Just leave your husband to it in future. If it's his trip away it's not your problem.
I would get angry about shed door being left open in the rain though. My 12 year old knows not to do that.

OP, the shed door being open would annoy me too. I think the issue is your DH's lack of care and his assumption that you will pick up the slack when he doesn't do things.

My DH is similar but I have now stopped doing these things for him. For example when he baths DS he always always leaves the towel in DS's room. It annoys the hell out of me because he knows it goes on the rail in the bathroom, but it's as if he thinks I should be grateful for him bathing DH and he shouldn't be expected to do the whole job as he's "helping me out". So now I just leave the towel where it is. Eventually after several days and several towels, DH will put them away. DS is only a baby and doesn't play in his room so I figure if DH wants to leave wet towels all over the floor then it's up to him, but I won't be the one putting them away.

Likewise with DH's freshly washed and (sometimes) ironed clothes. I used to put them all away in his wardrobe but now I just leave them in our room in a pile by his side of the bed and if he wants to let them get all creased up on the floor it's up to him. He leaves clothes all over the bedroom floor so why should I hang them up for him when they'll just end up on the floor again after one wear?

Oops, it's not just you though. Of course, you colluded, and you have the power to change the situation. But he was involved as well. He allowed someone to take over, he sat back and did fuck all while you clucked around him.

Hope it works!

My DH was like this. In the end I said I can be a wife or a mother. You don't get to shag your mother.

Every now and then I have to repeat that statement (and withold privileges) but we're nearly always fine now.

Good luck.

"You don't get to shag your mother!"

I used to tell XH he thought I was his mother with benefits

I really sympathise. I often speak to my DH like a child because at times he behaves like one. Its all very well saying "let him make his own mistakes" etc but it sometimes impacts on all the family and ends up making more work for me. So, YABU and sorry I'm no help. Just leave him to it and try and minimse the consequences for yourself (and DC if there are any) when chaos/disaster ensues in the morning.

I have loved reading this thread - especially the description of The Morning of Departure

I totally do what you do OP and I hereby resolve to STOP mothering my DH. He's pretty ok with most stuff when I'm not aound, but makes out he can't do it if I'm home. And somehow I've ended up buttering his toast in the mornings. Not because I'm buttering my own, or the DC's, but because he asks me to The shame! Well it stops now. It wont be easy though. Good luck OP - and thank you for making me laugh!