I told DH I'm not his mum.

[oopslateagain]

Sorry this is long and moany

He's going away to work tomorrow for 3 days. Over the weekend I said he'd better let the bank know so there's no problems with his debit card (online banking so he just has to log on and click). He didn't. He'll be driving for 10 hours in Europe; tonight he said he would take food with him so he didn't have to stop. I don't have anything other than Dairylea triangles and Froobs, so I suggested he pop to the local supermarket (literally 2 minutes walk) as they've got a brilliant little 'lunch' fridge with sandwiches, wraps, fruit etc.

He just said he can't be bothered, he'll 'find something'.

He's sitting watching telly now, I asked if he was packed - I did all the laundry today and put all his clean stuff out on the bed so he could pick what he wanted. He said he'll do it in the morning.

He's leaving the house at 6.30am.

I asked if he had all his paperwork etc - he said he 'knows where it is'.

Bloody hell!!!

I know he's going to wake me up at oh-fuck-early panicking because he can't find something.

This isn't unusual; if something needs doing he tends to leave it and leave it and I usually end up doing it. Except for things that I CAN'T do, like make him go to the doctor to get the blood test he needs before they'll give him any more of his tablets, the ones that he ran out of in APRIL.

I just told him that I'm not his mum and it's up to him to get his stuff sorted, and not to wake me up in the morning panicking because he can't find something.

And now he's all huffy. And I'm going to be ever-so-nice and go and apologise, cos I can't let him go away while there's bad feelings.

But AIBU to make a stand and STOP picking up the slack when he doesn't do stuff? It will make life really awkward for a while, I just know it will.

but you are acting like his mum! just let him get on with it and deal with the consequences himself. Sheesh....

I know exactly what you mean. My DH still hasn't had his flu jag this year because I told him he had to make his own appointment. I have reminded him several times. I'm still waiting for him to find someone to fix our windows - we agreed in JULY that he would sort it out. And so on. then he does the huffy thing when I am proved right.

i am the last-minute-packer in our family, but i am also the one who knows where everything is, so i CAN pack quickly. pisses dh off no end when i appear after 15 minutes with everything i need, when its taken him about 3 days to get organised

will be very interested to read updates tomorrow...

He has just poured us both a wee dram and headed up to bed while reminding me there's still time for a shag before he needs to go to sleep.

Ahh the romance of it.

(downing drink)

night all!

Stop enabling his behaviour.

There's a relatively famous book by Harriet Lerner called 'The Dance of Anger' which addresses this exact type of issue. In it, she describes a patient of hers, a lesbian couple with a new baby. Her patient described her partner as like your DH, esp. around the baby tasks, like taking him for appointments or play dates. Always disorganised, forgot bottles, and this made Lerner's patient angry and resentful, that she was having to organise their lives, even if she wasn't literally doing all the chores.

Lerner goes into it in more detail, but my point is that her entire section on this type of problem can be summed up as: YOU are the problem. Stop enabling this behaviour.

After the patient agreed to try stepping back for a week, there were a few horrible scenes, but it basically made her partner buck up. And they agreed that 1 person's level of organisation is not the same as another person's - and sometimes we just have to make sure the really important stuff is done, and sod the rest.

Example: Lerner's patient's partner was taking the baby to an important appointment (medical? can't remember) but the woman forgot the baby bag. No food, no towels, no spare clothes, nothing. The patient realised as the woman was leaving, but kept silent. When her partner had to return 30 minutes later, extremely late and flustered - who's betting the lady forgot again? And even if she did - isn't this the sort of thing we would teach a child? Behaviour has consequences. You are covering up for your partner's lack of organisation - so stop.

If he gets hungry - so what? If he doesn't want to go hungry again, he'll prepare better in future.

This may seem militant, and I apologise for the length of this post, but I'm absolutely sick of the number of MN posts I read and, frankly, just want to shake some common sense and ability to "step back outside the problem" for a moment.

frgr That sounds like a really interesting book; I may have to read it.

DP is quite laid back and I am really fucking anal quite organised. I totally do all the stuff the OP does (nagging about medical appointments is my big sin ).

But gradually I am realising that

a as someone else said, DP's level of organisation is not just mine, and he's never going to be mini-me

b I don't want him to be mini-me

c actually, in my huffy rush to pre-organise him, I often don't give him enough credit for common sense and if I just step back, he often will do stuff himself

I think of it a bit like being a Surrendered Wife (creepy emoticon) and just think... don't say anything, don't say anything....

Though I will never give up on medical appts. I am not having him miss his liver function tests.

Christ, I just realised I laid out my post in bullet points. Time for bed...

Please please please...let him figure this one out. My counsellor eventually (6 months too late)explained it to me - I wasn't just mothering, I was SMOTHERING - and as a result I lost someone I adored and miss to this very day. Your DH needs to learn for himself, I don't even do for my DCs what I did for him as I recognise how vital it is for them to think/do for themselves. I know it's hard to watch...God I know, but it is for the best. Just smile sweetly and wish him a good trip.

imustbemadas - I've only just realised how much cleverer you were there!

[bgrin]

The flowerpot man comment did make me chuckle sorry...

I do agree with everyone else though leave him to it :) and dont do everything for him, give him advice by all means though :)

YANBU

hes a grown man get himself sorted, I'd be like 'you dare wake me up tommorrow'

Ah, OP, I did that too. Till I didn't have to do it anymore. And realised that I wasn't the problem in not supporting 'better behaviour'. It was never going to change, and was just going to make me go mad.

I now don't have to deal with it, but always have a wry smile on hand when things go t over a in his life and it's not my problem anymore.

He is an adult, you are an adult. You can choose whether to behave as one, or his mum (check 1970/80's Transactional Analysis stuff).

Up to you, though I know how difficult it is to free yourself from stuck behaviours.

He's on his way!

He woke me up in a nice gentle way - he snapped on the bedroom light at 6:15am and said "Where's the torch?" - apparently he needed the petrol can from the shed. Luckily I'd been awake since just before 6, listening to the litany of "shit .. fuck... shit.. shit... FUCK"

The torch is in the same place it's been since we moved house, in the drawer by the back door. He said it wasn't, I said it WAS, he went downstairs and (fuck... shit... FUCK NO ITS NOT) I went down too, and moved the notepad it was apparently hiding under.

I made tea and went back to bed.

Ten minutes later he yelled up the stairs "Where's my PASSPORT?" --right, so that wasn't a priority yesterday then.

Mmm, tea

Five minutes after that he came steaming in saying he was going to be late and where was the laptop bag? Er... what laptop bag? Apparently the one I used to use, oh, six years and two laptops ago, that HE threw out last time he used it and the zip broke.

Cue much muttering (fuck SHIT fuckfuckfuck ) and mysterious door-banging noises.

Mmm, duvet and cat AND tea...

He dashed upstairs at five to seven and I got a kiss, he left at four to seven, the car pulled out at 3 to seven, pulled back in a minute later, door bang, "WHERES THE GPS?" .... in the CAR??? "In the glove box where its always been, have a good trip, bye" .... silence, then, "oh".

He left on time at 7. I was duly impressed.

Until I looked in the back garden.

Shed door wide open, rain pouring in, fucking flowerpot man in middle of the path.

Fuck it. His tools, his problem. [proud emoticon]

Yeah, I know I'm going out there to mop up and shut it, too. Be quiet.

I agree you're treating him like a child, and it's probably quite annoying for him to have you micromanaging his life like that and having such a patronising attitude.

I get the impression you don't really mind this dynamic in your relationship though, in which case YAB a bit U to start a thread complaining about it.

Lol, hands up anyone who didnt see that coming?! :o

Out of interest OP, what would you normally have done in that circumstance? Well done you for leaving him to it!

Now, DO NOT DO ANYTHING TO THE SHED DOOR! :o

well done.

now you just need another few months of holding your tongue like that and it'll be second nature to you and him

This is why my OH now leaves on a Sunday afternoon.
He works away during the week and i was fed up of being woken up at 3am on a Monday morning. He would wake me to ask where a shirt he wanted was, as if he didn't have another 40+ to choose from.
Then effing and blinding downstairs trying to sort out laptop,briefcase etc..
Leaving on a Sunday afternoon means he can pack everything ( but the kitchen sink!!), and he can get a decent nights sleep before he starts work.
The only downside is the DC don't get to spend all day with him.

what frgr said.

Stop enabling. Don't check if he has clean socks and has packed his lunch - you are not his mother. It's not your responsibility to make sure that a grown man manages to get himself out of the house. Chances are, next time he will check where his passport and GPS are the evening before.

Ephiny - I like a quiet stress-free life. If that means anticipating problems and dealing with them, well that's what I'll do.

I KNOW what DH is like. I also know he's probably got used to me dealing with stuff if he leaves it long enough, adn I do need to change. It's just going to be bloody hard for a while when things go wrong because I didn't do them.

I am going to sort the shed out though, if the tools go rusty he will need to buy more and it's our money which will be spent so if I leave it I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face IYSWIM.

Just waiting for the phone call tomorrow when he gets to his appointment and realises he's left something vital in the filing cabinet...

oopslateagain, I don't meant to be picky, but you've still enabled his behaviour. Getting you out of bed to look for the torch, responding to constant questions about where his trip stuff is, cleaning up the mess from the shed - all leading to him being out the door on time despite his lack of organisation - what part of "stop enabling this behaviour" did I not communicate?

I would be fuming if DH did this to me on a regular occasion. I'm more than happy to help out in exceptional circumstances, now and then, if he's genuinely just forgot something (we all do!) or had a hectic week. Of course part of being married is supporting your other half :)

But... your DH doesn't appear to have any respect for your time, doesn't appear to appreciate your helping him organise himself, and frankly you I don't think you're doing yourself any favours in the long run with this smothering.

How would your DH cope if you had a spell in hospital, for example? Would he cope as well as you would, or would he do something similar to my FIL - when MIL had an operation in hospital with a freezer full of meals and clear written instructions, he was so incompetent at running the house a female neighbour had to take the children and help him out.

Lol, when dh looks after ds I used to get everything all ready for him if they were going out. I didn't last time as I didn't have time - he was taking ds swimming and only realised as they got out of the pool dripping wet that he had forgotten the towels! Bet he won't do that again! Well done op, sounds like you did well there.

Think of it like sleep training.

It's a situation you don't want to have to deal with anymore, so don't deal with it.

It'll be murder in the beginning but worth it in the long run.

I would close the shed door too, only because that is actually something that is glaringly obvious and you could argue is a bit petty not to.

I would leave it open a little bit longer though, so his tool go 'a bit' rusty.

It's just going to be bloody hard for a while when things go wrong because I didn't do them.

But, really, the only important thing was the passport. Maybe the GPS. But who cares if he has a proper laptop case,or will go hungry, or whatever? He won't starve, and maybe by taking a normal rucksack will embarass him enough to find a proper case beforehand next time.

I see what you mean, and there's a lot to be said for a stress-free life :) Maybe focus on letting go of the things that affect him and not you, e.g. don't do his laundry for him (they're his clothes), don't worry about his lunch (he's the one who'll get hungry or have to go out of his way to 'find something'), don't get involved in planning his work trips (it's his career). Agree it would be silly to let the tools get ruined just to prove a point.

Wouldn't put up with all than noise and fuss in the morning though, DP knows better than to wake me before I need to be up other than to tiptoe in to give me a goodbye kiss just before leaving!