to think my Mum might support me more?

[happynappies]

I don't know what it is with my parents, in-laws for that matter. Perhaps some comments on here might help me gain a bit of perspective!

I have three dc, a four year old who goes to pre-school a couple of mornings per week, a nearly 2-year old ds and a 4 month old dd. I've had difficult pregnancies with each, and am just adjusting to looking after all three mostly on my own. Dh works full-time but is otherwise helpful etc, and I'm on maternity leave at the moment. On average dh and I go out on our own in the evening once a year. My parents never want to have the children, either to stay/go out/babysit etc. They both live 10 minutes away, but my Mum works full-time (out of choice, she won't retire because she feels she has to visit her mother in a nursing home every evening, and has confessed that without the 'excuse' of work she'd feel she had to spend more time with her). They 'pop' to see our family usually on a Sunday evening for half an hour when I'm frantically trying to make a meal, but otherwise don't help. Well, my Dad is retired and does call around in the week so I can collect eldest dd from pre-school without waking the others from their nap, so twice a week he sits with the two children asleep for half an hour while he does his Sudoku, an I am grateful for that because it is hard work getting the two little ones out in the afternoon to pick dd up.

When I was pg I was worried sick about leaving my eldest, and last time about leaving dd and ds, but got no reassurances from my parents. Mum said it had better not be on Tuesday because she had a meeting, she wouldn't be able to get out of interviews on such and such a day, and the end of term would be difficult. She said she'd 'pop' in when she could, leaving dh to basically look after the children single-handed. In fact, when I was in labour he rang his own parents, half an hour away, to ask if they could help and they said they had a doctor's appointment the next morning so couldn't have the children. They actually had them for an hour later the next day when dh came to collect me and the baby, and leant him £2.00 for the car park which they asked to have back next time we saw them but... I digress!!

In a bid to build relations with my Mum I've been going out for an hour a week with her, walking (so that we can both get fitter and have a chat away from the children). In our discussion last night she tells me that it was harder for her because she had 'no one' when her children were young. I feel really angry about this because firstly I was nearly four when my brother was born, whereas I've got three children under that age, and secondly I know that my grandparents moved in before my brother was born and stayed with our family for a week or so, cooking, cleaning etc. I've breastfed all three, in fact am still feeding two of them, and feel exhausted most of the time. With ds I was diagnosed with pnd - he had reflux, and I wasn't getting any sleep, and was generally feeling anxious and depressed the whole time. I told my family about the diagnosis in a bid to be open and 'ask for help' and they laughed about it. Not in a callous way, but in a sort of 'she thinks you've got depression?' kind of incredulous way. I went for counselling at the time, and found it quite helpful, and realised that a lot of my problems stem from my expectations of my family and so forth... I'm trying my best to not expect help (because I know I'm not going to get it) and to not feel hard done to, because I know it can sound like a stuck record, and you get in a negative mindset ending up feeling jealous/bitter/angry about everything when in reality I've a lot to be grateful for, love my children, our choice entirely to have three little ones, happy with dh etc etc. I just can't help feeling that my Mum is being unreasonable. She thinks she had it so bad, and thinks that all her friends who spend time looking after their own grandchildren need their heads testing - why would they want to do that? I feel hurt that she doesn't want to spend time with my children, and throws herself into work first, then visiting my Nan second, then when she is on holiday (she's a teacher) she heads straight off either abroad or to stay with my brother and sister. I'm garbling, I know, don't know if this makes sense, and I know that grandparents don't have to give up their lives just because they have grandchildren, but I find her general attitude so unsupportive. Fed up fed up. Feel doubly unlucky that both parents and in-laws seem to feel the same, so no chance of any help or support, and the only thing we ever hear is how bad it was for them!!!

This thread really makes me realise how fortunate I am. My dad and step-mum help me a lot. They have DS every other morning so i can get away early to work, and they drop him off to school. I take care not to ask them to have him often at the weekend or overnight, because, a) they have a busy social life (not to mention full time jobs)and will most likely have plans and b) I don't want to take advantage. But they both genuinely enjoy spending time with their grand child (DS calls SM granny as my mum died many years ago, so DS never knew her).

I also have a couple of good friends with kids DS's age, and we share child care/babysitting responsibilities.

Personally, I think it is a shame when parents don't help out with their grandchildren. For my DS, for example, my dad is his main male role model (absent good for ntohing XH). I think kids miss out not having a strong bond with extended family.

"It takes a village to raise a child" - in the UK we put too much pressure and too much expectation on parents to do something alone that realistically needs to be done collectively.

Happynappies, yanbu...

I feel quite sad reading your post. I think you do need your mum around more tho getting her to see this may be difficult.

Could you ask her to come to yours one eve per week for dinner with the children or just a chat with you when they are in bed? She may well have issues with her own mother going on here?

I do think grandparents & grandchildren miss out so much if they don't spend time with each other....

Don't be ashamed of wanting your mum...

FFS, yes, if your parents are several lightyears away, dead, insane, in prison, whatever, then, yes, coping on your own is all you can do, and yes, you are to be congratulated for it. But if your parents are physically fit, live near to you and have some spare time, or could just lend a bit of emotional support now and then, but would rather do jack shit and sit by while you struggle and suffer depression, then it's not exactly beyond the realms of imagination that you, their child, might feel a teensy weensy bit let down.

YANB totally U. Most people love the idea of having a loving and close relationship with their family members thought it doesn't always work out like that. I was completely on my own with my little ones as we lived away (my choice) and Dh is often away with work for weeks at a time. TBH, I think it must be harder to live nearby and then not have that relationship. They seem quite harsh with the way acted round the birth but of course they are entitled to their freedom, to live their life as they want - just a shame you can't find something in the middle.

I think the "pull a sickie" attitude is more prevalent in low paid jobs with a large workforce who can cover. I would never say I was sick unless I was extremely ill. If I'm not there at short notice my workload gets taken up by 2 or 3 colleagues. Our sick rate is very low. Phoning in sick to do emergency childcare is frowned on. I have occasionally asked for a day's short term annual leave if my own kids ill and no-one to cover but would never say I was sick, and wouldn't regard babysitting healthy kids because mother in labour and father wanting to attend as a reason to take time off work when I know I have a full dday or half day of appointments that 1 of my colleagues will need to cover as well as their own stuff.
If it's a day I'm not working I'd happily do it.
If the dad is retired he seems the obvious choice for a babysitter to cover labour.

I feel for you. I think your expectations are perfectly reasonable. I haven't had any help myself, and am absolutely determined to help my dd in any way possible if I was to become a grandmother. I think that a lot of people have become so self centered if not selfish, that they have lost interest in their own families. I think that this is very sad for all of us, and especially for our children. I loved my grandparents, but they died when I was still very young, still I will never forget them. I had lovely times with them. I feel sad that my dd will never have anything like that. So yes, I understand where you are coming from, but for your own sake and your children's sake, try to build a network around you so you have to rely less or not at all on your family if at all possible. The way I look at it, we can't change our family, but we can try to do it better for our own children when they are in a similar position. Good luck.

My mom would never help me out either. But I blame the way she was raised, or in her case, not raised, as she was very neglected.
She is all about you teach a man to fish, you don't give him a fish. However, she is very black and white and has not a nurturing or empathic bone in her body. She would definitely pull the working rather than feel obligated to visit her mother nightly type of thing, that is my mother to a T. Thank goodness I have wonderful in-laws, who were there when we needed them.

Anyways, I know it does make you feel rejected and unloved, and wonder why your own mother can be so uncaring. I hope it helps to know it is most likely her, and not because you are demanding or needy. You will be the mother to your kids that yours wasn't for you, just as I am. Keep smiling.

nicely put onmyfeet. Sums up some mums perfectly - black and white and not helping by doing any damn fishing for anyone...!

I havent read the whole thread but I amjust popping back to say - you need to lower and manage your own expectations.
Be grateful that your dad pops by so you can nip to preschool.

As they get older, perhaps your df and dm will do more?

I hoped to have some help from dm and some from mil when she comes. After the initial visit from mil, it was quite obvious her support was more verbal than practical.

I am lucky that my dm has looked after 1 child one day each week when I have been working. I rarely ask her to do anymore as she does enough.
Mil has changed 2 nappies in total for my 3, and sat one night when we stayed at her house when we only had one.

Im grateful for any support tbh.

I can relate a LOT with the inlaws, my own Parents & Brother are at the other end of the Country, but I suspect bar adding more stress to the mix by flitting between speaking to me or not, as the mood takes my Mother(ver controlling Mum, who IMHO is likely undiagnosed BiPolar1,) they would be the same

bar drive yourself Nuts trying, there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it, you CANNOT change their attitude to how THEY choose to be Grandparents,

You CAN however change YOUR attitude to what you expect of them, & be grateful for the little they DO, rather than be bitter about all they don't do....it won't get you any more help, but it WILL make you feel happier with your lot

happynappies, I know where you're coming from too. My mum is the same - she moved to my town so she could help me more (she has actually said that), and I get nothing from her at all. She pops in for cups of tea whenver she wants - usually when the older children are at school. If I ask her to babysit or to cover sickness of the older children (I work, she doesn't) she says no. So I don't ask her. She says I look tired, but never offers to help.

She expects me to use my weekend to help her in her voluntary work. She expects me to invite her and her dp round for sunday lunch. I'm pretty sure she'll expect me to have her to live with me when she's old.

While I agree that they're my children and I shouldn't expect any help, and in fact I don't need any help really as I'm coping fine, it would be nice.

I have the same trouble and I sympathise. I don't have anyone to help and my in-laws are unwilling. It's incredibly upsetting as i went through similar difficulties to you, begged for help and they still said they were too busy. Don't know what the answer is, I'll let you know if I ever figure it out!

YANBU, but unfortunately some people are like this and I'm not sure what you can do about it. My MIL is happy to help us out (when we're speaking ), as is another relative who lives close if we want a few hours in the evening to ourselves. But they both adore babies in general and of course completely adore my DS so to them looking after him is really enjoyable.
I feel very sorry for you, I'd really struggle if I didn't have people to fall back on.

How could they refuse to help you when you were in hospital? I am .

I love it when i see grandparents with their grandchildren, taking them for walks and days out during the summer holidays. My mum lives just round the corner from me but prefers to go to the pub with her mates than spend time with her grandchildren. She has never babysat or picked my son up from school, there's always some excuse. She says those grandparents who spend time looking after their grandchildren need to 'get a life'.

I feel sorry for her in a way because one day she's going to look back and realise she's missed out on a big part of her grandson growing up, and i think she will regret not spending more time with him.

I have seen this from both sides. I was married and had four children, the first three before I was 26. My husband was in the forces and away alot, I lived in married quarters and nowhere near my family. My parents have always been as supportive as they could be to all five of their children,in spite of them looking after my maternal grandmother and my two younger siblings, and holding down a jobs. My parents in law on the other hand were not at all supportive. My mother in law is not a very maternal woman and we just accept this. Now, however, I find myself looking after one of my grandchildren almost full-time while my daughter works. I was made redundant a year ago and it took me 8 months to find a job to fit around looking after my, now very elderly and frail parents, and my mother-in-law, and I now work evenings. I also worked evenings when my children were younger and had at least an 18 hour day. I would like to stop going outside to work and just look after my granddaughter and my parents, but I couldn't do this without being paid to look after her. I have looked into registering as a childminder (which I was many years ago), but it all looks so long winded and complicated and I only want to look after my grandchildren. While I can empathise with you when you believe your mother doesn't support you, her job is probably very important to her, and her mother won't be here forever so perhaps she wants to spend the time with her.Everyone is different, I love my grandchildren to bits and do spend quite alot of time with them, but I still cherish my own time after bringing up four children. Rambled on a bit I know, but I can see both sides.