to think my Mum might support me more?

[happynappies]

I don't know what it is with my parents, in-laws for that matter. Perhaps some comments on here might help me gain a bit of perspective!

I have three dc, a four year old who goes to pre-school a couple of mornings per week, a nearly 2-year old ds and a 4 month old dd. I've had difficult pregnancies with each, and am just adjusting to looking after all three mostly on my own. Dh works full-time but is otherwise helpful etc, and I'm on maternity leave at the moment. On average dh and I go out on our own in the evening once a year. My parents never want to have the children, either to stay/go out/babysit etc. They both live 10 minutes away, but my Mum works full-time (out of choice, she won't retire because she feels she has to visit her mother in a nursing home every evening, and has confessed that without the 'excuse' of work she'd feel she had to spend more time with her). They 'pop' to see our family usually on a Sunday evening for half an hour when I'm frantically trying to make a meal, but otherwise don't help. Well, my Dad is retired and does call around in the week so I can collect eldest dd from pre-school without waking the others from their nap, so twice a week he sits with the two children asleep for half an hour while he does his Sudoku, an I am grateful for that because it is hard work getting the two little ones out in the afternoon to pick dd up.

When I was pg I was worried sick about leaving my eldest, and last time about leaving dd and ds, but got no reassurances from my parents. Mum said it had better not be on Tuesday because she had a meeting, she wouldn't be able to get out of interviews on such and such a day, and the end of term would be difficult. She said she'd 'pop' in when she could, leaving dh to basically look after the children single-handed. In fact, when I was in labour he rang his own parents, half an hour away, to ask if they could help and they said they had a doctor's appointment the next morning so couldn't have the children. They actually had them for an hour later the next day when dh came to collect me and the baby, and leant him £2.00 for the car park which they asked to have back next time we saw them but... I digress!!

In a bid to build relations with my Mum I've been going out for an hour a week with her, walking (so that we can both get fitter and have a chat away from the children). In our discussion last night she tells me that it was harder for her because she had 'no one' when her children were young. I feel really angry about this because firstly I was nearly four when my brother was born, whereas I've got three children under that age, and secondly I know that my grandparents moved in before my brother was born and stayed with our family for a week or so, cooking, cleaning etc. I've breastfed all three, in fact am still feeding two of them, and feel exhausted most of the time. With ds I was diagnosed with pnd - he had reflux, and I wasn't getting any sleep, and was generally feeling anxious and depressed the whole time. I told my family about the diagnosis in a bid to be open and 'ask for help' and they laughed about it. Not in a callous way, but in a sort of 'she thinks you've got depression?' kind of incredulous way. I went for counselling at the time, and found it quite helpful, and realised that a lot of my problems stem from my expectations of my family and so forth... I'm trying my best to not expect help (because I know I'm not going to get it) and to not feel hard done to, because I know it can sound like a stuck record, and you get in a negative mindset ending up feeling jealous/bitter/angry about everything when in reality I've a lot to be grateful for, love my children, our choice entirely to have three little ones, happy with dh etc etc. I just can't help feeling that my Mum is being unreasonable. She thinks she had it so bad, and thinks that all her friends who spend time looking after their own grandchildren need their heads testing - why would they want to do that? I feel hurt that she doesn't want to spend time with my children, and throws herself into work first, then visiting my Nan second, then when she is on holiday (she's a teacher) she heads straight off either abroad or to stay with my brother and sister. I'm garbling, I know, don't know if this makes sense, and I know that grandparents don't have to give up their lives just because they have grandchildren, but I find her general attitude so unsupportive. Fed up fed up. Feel doubly unlucky that both parents and in-laws seem to feel the same, so no chance of any help or support, and the only thing we ever hear is how bad it was for them!!!

Can anybody explain to me if there is actually a distinction between 'spending time with grandchildren' as opposed to actively 'providing childcare'?

Hecate... I'm sorry that you had a bad childhood, I really am, but I don't subscribe to your school of thought. I know plenty of people who do though (my SIL) who has an enormous sense of entitlement and is generally dissatisfied with life no matter what. She does absolutely nothing for her parents either.

Everybody has to do what they feel is right at the end of the day; my views accord with Diddl and HappyMumOfOne, responsibility might have been not quite the right word but I'll care for my Mum because I want to do the best for her.

I read the issue with DH looking after the children single handedly was that this occurred whilst the OP was in labour - is that right? Presumably meaning that the OP was unable to have her DH at the hospital with her during the birth of her 3rd child.

Frankly I cannot understand why anyone wouldn't be a little pissed off with a perfectly fit and healthy parent who couldn't make an effort to ensure that happenened.

This is the second thread like this I've posted on recently. I don't think yabu at all.

I think it's a shame tbh but to varying degrees isn't ususual.

My own mother has an infuriating ability to rewrite history in her favour - it drives me nuts.

They too backed off at the mention of PND when I tearfully and painfully tried to tell them. They never mentioned it again. Not once. I do think they come from a generation where any hint of that sort of thing is seen in 'pull yourself together' terms. Well at least until it's them. They have become very health obsessed over the years; part of the 'worried well' and are constantly at the doctors and it is their main topic of conversation.

Tbh they don't really understand the kind of approach so many of us take to being parents now. Dh and I like many others nowadays go to great (and exhausting) lengths to be involved with dc and support them. That's not how it was for them, not that that is their fault. I think they are bemused by what we do; they were spectaularly 'hands off' about the whole thing when I was growing up, no matter how my mum cares to retell it now. I have no real memories of them doing much with me.

My parents differ to yours in that they are interested and see the dc fairly regularly, but they are quite limited visits and I have to cue things up so it's looks as though it's a huge help to me when in fact it's not. My dad is prone to getting grumpy and stressed around dc. I'm an only child, so my 3 dc are a bit more than they can manage and I find I end up getting edgy and on at dc if it looks like it's all getting to be too much for my parents even though my children are pretty good and aren't esp ott to manage if you're used to children.

My mum likes to give the impression she's very hands on (she's quite a competitive person and likes to give the impression she's been there and got the t shirt where being a busy mum is concerned) In honesty though it's my in-laws who do sleepovers and days out and don't mind the mess and the noise, who really have that more natural relationship with dc.

My parents home is and always was immaculate. My own childhood was quiet and dominated by my mother's obsession with housework. I know they love dc very very much but their house isn't the most relaxing place to be when you're a child.

I don't think it's their fault. It's a combination of ageing, which makes you more self absorbed (I guess we all might come to that) their own experience of growing up as children in post war Britaiin and just, well.. belonging to a generation that clearly had a different idea about how supportive to be with your adult children and their families.

Some of the things which we fell are very important about being a parent just aren't in their remit.

karma cross posts and I should have added your sentence that I too would do that for a stranger never mind someone I cared about.

Some people are nuts.

It's a shame that neither set of parents seems very interested in their grandchildren. They are missing out on some wonderful relationships. However, that is their choice.

You might not have felt able to share a babysitting rota with friend up until now, but it might be a good idea to start something like that soon. As well as giving you the break you need, and you and your husband a night out now and then, it would lessen the negative feelings towards your parents because they would be redundant for practical purposes.

I find myself agreeing with Hecate

But the only thing I wanted to add was that when your mum was talking about how hard it was 'in her day' and with no help/support, I would have sympathised and said i understood as I had no help/support either

ok maybe a bit passive aggresive but it is only the truth

My friends mother is very dismissive of any talk of how difficult and tiring it can be looking after small children. Spectacularly annoying as when her children were young and she was a SAHM they lived the colonial life with a nanny per child, cleaners, housekeeper and gardeners, and cocktails at 7. How my friend doesnt explode I dont understand

Yabu. You chose to have the children not them.

yabu sorry - your mum works (through choice - shockingly like that's a bad thing - for a woman to choose to work!) and you chose to have kids - she is under no obligation to care for them - you are

I don't think the OP is really looking for her mother to care for her kids - she wants her mother to care for her. No support when she had PND, needed her DH with her in hospital, telling her she has it easy - I hope I could do more for a daughter than that.

I don't think the OP is really looking for her mother to care for her kids - she wants her mother to care for her. No support when she had PND, needed her DH with her in hospital, telling her she has it easy - I hope I could do more for a daughter than that.

HappyMummyofOne

"you get plenty of help already - two afternoons a week is a lot more than most people get."

I don't get two afternoons a week of help. I said my Dad sits with my two sleeping children while I pop around the corner (5 minutes there and 5 minutes back) to collect dd from pre-school. He might stay for twenty or so minutes after that for a chat. I am grateful for his support and I said that, but in terms of help, I have said it is more support that I could do with, and from my Mum in particular.

"Your mum works FT and has an elderly parent to case for yet you think she should still provide childcare for you? Even worse, you expect her to call in sick when she's not just to assist you."

She doesn't care for an elderly parent. I don't expect her to call in sick when she's not just to assist me, I just felt that if my own daughter were in labour and I wasn't able to organise time off work (as a teacher myself I know I wouldn't be able to take time off as other people can) I'd arrange cover as I know she can, or worse case scenario I'd ring in sick, because I'd do anything to be there for her. I've never had a day off sick throughout my three pregnancies though, so I'm not saying I'd do it lightly. I NEVER said that she should provide childcare for me.

"You choose to have three children so close together - your choice not theirs. If you need childcare, then arrange a nursery or childminder."

I chose to have the children, that was my choice. I don't need childcare, just once in a while feel I need a Mum!

BabyDubsEverywhere

"You have three kids, so whats the problem?
Your DH had to look after them, so whats the problem?" - really? Do many people get nobody to look after their children when they are in labour?

"I really dont get it? are you only 15 or something? i could understand your moaning then, but otherwise you sound like another 'i want my cake and to eat it too' type. If you want a night out, book a sitter and go out, wheres the big deal? Just do it!"

I'm not 15, I'm 35 and don't want to have my cake and eat it. I've chosen to have these three children, and have given up (gladly) chances of promotion etc, have reduced my hours massively, our income has reduced by over 50%, I work incredibly hard (as I'm sure everyone else with young children does) and I'm not saying I'm owed childcare or anything. I haven't been out in I don't know how long but I accept it. I don't think it is my entitlement, but when you feel tired and stressed you try to think what might help you to cope better, and to feel more on an even keel, and I can't help thinking that some peoples parents would want to help and provide some support in such circumstances.

"You could get your mom round for dinner a few nights a week, she must be knackard teaching all day and visiting her mom on a night." - yes, she must be knackered, but it is her choice, as people on here keep telling me it is mine to have children. If she is knackered, perhaps she could take a step back and look at her priorities.

The things I understand are, I can't change her. Not everyone gets help and support. It is hard, lonely, isolating and the grind of doing the same thing day in day out takes its toll on you mentally. Families are funny. Everyone has different expectations. I should focus more on the positives. I will learn from this and will remember to help my own children in whatever way I can, and I won't be prioritising work when they need help.

Happy - your mum works full-time as a teacher, so it is unreasonable of you to expect her to be able to look after your dc while you are in labour. She can't just take a day off at no notice.

When I had my second child, my first one had to go to the childminder for the day, to a friend after the childminder, and then my dh had to come home earlier from hospital than he may have liked to put her to bed.

We have survived with no local parental support. But now the children are older (since they were about 7 and 5) they go to gps for a few days in the summer and Easter holidays.

Both my parents and inlaws are useless and not interested. It was so hard to come to terms with when we first had children. The only way i've managed over the years is to have no expectations, see them as little as pos and also laugh lot with friends about just how awful they are. My lovely friends are my family these days. We all support each other and strangely when i tell parents just how wonderful my friends are - I can tell they feel a bit put out.

You know what? I've been posting on MN for many years - I hope I've helped some people along the way, I've certainly received a lot of support, particularly on childbirth/parenting threads. I've had a lot of discussions with people about breastfeeding, reflux, lack of sleep etc. I've generally found MN to be so supportive and thought-provoking, and have learnt so much from other people. When I opened the can of worms with my mum last night I thought I'd post on AIBU to get a sense of perspective. I expected I'd get some responses along the lines of 'my parents are like that too' which might make me feel less alone, and some which might remind me that things aren't that bad. I expected people to disagree with me, I know thats the point of AIBU, but I thought people would do it in a kind of reasonable way. I'm obviously very naive, or MN has changed a lot in the time I've been away looking after my youngest. Thank you to the kind people who have PM'd me, and to people who have thought carefully about their responses. As I say, I have learnt from this. But to the people who are quick to judge, and quick to be so harsh = I'm not justifying myself anymore. I'll leave this here. If you need to vent about this issue, feel free to. Thank you and goodnight.

sorry have not had time to read all the replies but just wanted to say you have my empathy, you are not being unreasonable and I wonder, reading you post if whether your mum's relationship with her mother (you mention she still works past retirement age to avoid having to see her more - that sounds quite extreme?) has anything to do with her 'blindness' to your obvious need for some help and support. And why she is keen to take any opportunities to go 'away' to help others?!

Probably not helpful, but just a thought to help explain it so it doesn't feel as personal for you.

Unfortunately i think you have two options - either you may well forever be disappointed unless you come right out and tell her how you feel OR write them all off as a 'possible support network' so if and when any support does come your can be pleasantly surprised instead!

That car park payment/ in labour thing was ridiculous. I would have given them an earful!!

They don't deserve you or your lovely family

I don't know what it is about the GP threads that causes such indignation on MN but they always bring out the "I have it so much worse" crew, in all their nasty glory.

Can anyone of you mums of girls seriously imagine that you would not move heaven and earth to ensure that in the future her DH could be present during her labour. It is not about providing childcare. It is about caring for your daughter and there is no way I would leave my DD to labour alone. especially if all that was required for me to prevent that was to pull a sickie.

Happynappies , I know where you are coming from, but a lot of posters here don't, won't or can't. AIBU is just the wrong place for this kind of problem.

I'll reiterate what I said above: I think this has nothing to do with your childcare arrangements; it's about your parents not being there in the metaphorical sense, by offering you love, understanding and emotional support. I'm pretty sure this is not something that's suddenly happened. You sound like a child who still wants her mum's unconditional love and approval. That's not meant to be an insult. It's common in adult children of cold/unloving/abusive upbringings. I'm not implying that your mother physically mistreated you or anything like that. But I wonder if she was emotionally distant and this has led you to feel unloved and unwanted, both as a child and now.

Sorry for the pop psychology. I'm no expert, but I read your posts as someone who is hurting, and I hate that posters on here are trying to deny you your feelings. I would hate for you to feel you are being stupid/selfish/entitled or whatever other names have been thrown at you. May I suggest trying the relationship board in future, should you wish to talk again, you'll get more support and less judgment there.

All the best.

"especially if all that was required for me to prevent that was to pull a sickie."

Well, I´d look after the children if I could, but would tell daughter to have a back up.

I wouldn´t "pull a sickie"

diddl Really? I am being genuine here.

Obviously I would prefer not to have to pull a sickie and would try and ensure that other appropriate arrangements were made but I truel cannot imagine not doing absolutely anything I could to ensure someone I liked, nevermind my own daughter, was accompanied at her labour by her choice of birth partner.

It just seems so alien to me not to want to do that for someone you love (and frankly I am sure would be terribly worried about)

I'm with you, Nancy, in fact I did do this for my sister, when she went into labour unexpectedly, with no DH or other family to hand. Not proud to have lied to my employer, but I made up the hours and then some. I also travelled half way around the country for the birth of her first DC, a last minute mercy dash in that case too. I was a lawyer in the City, regularly working 14 hour days, and could ill afford the time off, but I did it. I can't imagine ever leaving my own DD on her own if I could help her in such circumstances.

No I don´t think I would tbh-unless there was absolutely no one else at all who could be asked.

It perhaps also depends on your job-whether you can catch or fairly easily or whether it´s also letting others down.

Well, a back up´s always handy anyway if possible.

My parents were our planned sitters but my mum was too ill & dad couldn´t leave here.

Had to ask ILs & had a neighbour on stand by in case they didn´t get to me before I needed to go in.

Should have had the neighbour a the sitter-MIL flew into a panic about a casserole she had in the oven & put me onto FIL

He said something like-well, do we need to come right now-what time will you be having the baby?

Can you imagine husband peeling me off the door frame saying It´s ok, I´ll have the baby here

my mum was a teacher - she had my DD1 when I had my second child (by accident - she was staying with them for the weekend when I went into labour) she mearly lost her job - teachers can NOT take time off when they like and she wouldn;t pull a sicky

I am sorry you feel like flouncing OP but I think you have to get that you are an adult - your mum is NEVER going to live up to your expectations - stop looking to her to fix it and fix it yourself

Accept your mum as she is x

nearly not mearly lol!

Im with vallhala on this one.
Ive got 4 kids,my parents 3000 miles away,ex-inlaws hated me,feeling was mutual didnt expect help from there,present inlaws 3000 miles away.
I did it,it wasnt easy but I did it ( I had 3 under 4)
My kids know it too,My job is done,Ive raised mine,your kids are yours.