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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to italian mil's comments

93 replies

earthling · 24/01/2011 17:47

i live in northern italy and have a 4 month old baby with my italian husband...my mil started to call me fatty when i was pregnant to which i objected after the nth time of her saying it so i thought she'd got the message loud and clear only for her to say something quite hideous when i was 7 months pregnant when we were at a restaurant. a rather obese unattractive woman walked in and my mil asked whether i was eyeballing her coz she reminded me of myself (!?) my dh was sat next to me and heard but didnt react which has since been a source of countless arguments...she saw my crestfallen expression and laughed at me. she hung up on dh when he finally got round to asking her about it (2 weeks later!) so i avoided her for the rest of my pregnancy. when my baby was born she came to the hospital and remarked that she'd never have thought someone like me would have made such a lovely baby (ha bloody ha)...ive since decided i just dont want anything more to do with her and dh takes the baby round to see her once a week....is this simply cultural difference territory to be tollerated by me (as dh asserts) or a nasty person with issues (shes 90 kg) to be avoided from now on?

OP posts:

curlymama · 24/01/2011 17:53

It is nothing to do with cultural differences, she is horrible to you! Definately a nasty person with issues. Avoid her.

She's probably not happy thay you have her baby boy. But your Dh needs to stick up for you, otherwise he is being a slightly pathetic Mummy's boy. You can tell him I said that.

pommedeterre · 24/01/2011 17:56

Italians are awful mother's boys though ime. Once a week without you sounds like you're getting off VERY lightly for this madonna obsessed culture. I'd be quite happy to leave it like this if I were you...

TryLikingClarity · 24/01/2011 18:46

If she's 90kg as you state then I'm guessing she herself is overweight and has issues.

She sounds like a total nightmare.

Congrats on your lovely baby.

giveitago · 24/01/2011 18:58

I think if your dh is saying it's cultural and thinks you have to put up with it then you need to remind him where he is on the food chain.

Ignore her - deal with him - he's a mummy's boy.

I'm also married to an Italian. Mil doesn't say anything about my looks or weight but does constantly bemoan the fact that I'm english and therefore a crap parent to ds by default. It's undermining so I do often have to put her in her place - which is annoying as she then does the big victim thing.

Your mil sounds very jealous of you.

But got to say that I think that once a week is a deal and a half. You lucky thing.

stilldazed · 24/01/2011 18:59

I have an italian mil.me and my dh also live in italy and have a 3 year old dd and 1 year old ds.

My MIL was great until dd was born..It has now reached the stage that I barely even acknowledge MIL.we see PIL about once every 2 months when MIL decides she is visiting for the weekend (always uninvited).

My MIL has made countless nasty comments (I won't bore you with the details). but the end result is I am sorry our relationship is as bad as it. FIL is great and it would be nice to see him more (he is a really good nonno!) but I can't bear to be in MIL's company.

I really think it is cultural she has always treated dh as if he was her husband not son (she confided in him about maarital diffculties etc..)and now she wants to make decisions and influence dh regarding my kids..e.g when I should go back to work, that I should send my children to daycare (at 3 months!!!) she had always had the power in the family and wanted it more than ever with the grandkids.

My only advice would be, try as much as possible, not to let it effect your relationship with DH, vent with RL friends and on here as much as possible so you don't say too much to DH.The more you argue about her with DH the more she is 'in' your relationship and has power over you.

ps as much as she would love it...she never sees my dcs without me...we come as a package!!

bubbleOseven · 24/01/2011 19:00

It's not cultural no, she's just horrible.

Does she have lots of wrinkles? Perhaps you could comment on them if she insults you again.

MsKLo · 24/01/2011 19:03

I agree with the don't let her see your babu without you - why should she

I am Italian but married an english guy so no over bearing mil for me!

Bucharest · 24/01/2011 19:03

Not as bad as mine calling me a whore. (to the headmistress of the school I worked at, the day she went there to try and get her to sack me)

(PS Haven't seen mine for 7 yrs btw, it was her or dp)

bubbleOseven · 24/01/2011 19:03

oh it's just clicked, you're not italian and catholic are you? It'll be that that's really annoying her

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 24/01/2011 19:06

It cannot possibly be cultural. Admittedly I don't know very many Italians but those I do know are lovely and would be horified if this was being done in the name of 'Italian Culture'!!

I wouldn't be letting her see the DC without me there and I wouldn't be putting up with that - so I'd give DH the choice - he reins his mother in or I will.

emy72 · 24/01/2011 19:06

I am Italian and I will say that she just sounds like a nasty person.

Yes Italian mothers are very close/obsessive with their boys, but they don't all call their daughters in law names, honestly.

It isn't cultural, she is just a nasty piece of work!

edam · 24/01/2011 19:06

My sister had an Italian MIL. She's now ditched her partner (father of her dd) but Italian MIL is STILL carping and criticising - my sister has written to her saying any further letters will be put on the fire. Only way to deal with the old bag. I assume there are some nice Italian MILs out there but my sister's certainly makes it into the black books.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 24/01/2011 19:15

It's not cultural. It's not in anyone's culture to make spiteful remarks and enjoy hurting people. Do you really think that it could be?

No, she's a bitch. And you need to tell her to stop it and stop it now.

clevercloggs · 24/01/2011 19:18

just say looks fade, dumb is forever

loves judge judy lol

diddl · 24/01/2011 19:21

No way would I let her have the pleasure of seeing just her son & the baby tbh.

taintedpaint · 24/01/2011 19:23

No experience of Italian MILs here, but I must say, I wouldn't be allowing her access to DD either. Having such a toxic influence in your child's life would not benefit her at all. Not to mention the obvious eating disorders that can follow years of sniping comments about weight and looks.

atswimtwolengths · 24/01/2011 19:25

Read Adele Parks' novel "Tell Me Something" - it's to do with an English woman with an Italian MIL - it's very funny.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 24/01/2011 19:26

Classic itallian mama IME!

porcamiseria · 24/01/2011 19:26

another with italian family here! nah shes just a bitch, try and not see her and avoid her

although i expect you will need to assert yourself more in the future....

Tortington · 24/01/2011 19:28

it sounds like your mil and son love each other.

i think it is about time your dh told his mother that she is not to speak to his wife that way.

the spineless shit.

Tortington · 24/01/2011 19:30

yeah, i;m another poster who thinks that she is getting off lightly with getting to see her son and grandchild and not the dil

if she respects and wants family around her, the mad old bitch should hold her tongue, and i wouldn't be letting my baby go to see her thats for sure

would that be becuase i would be being spiteful in this situation?

you bet your arse i would

you have all the balls in your court love - use them

sarahitaly · 24/01/2011 19:32

Cara mia, siamo nella stessa barca..

Yeah me too, Italian husband, opinionated extended family, living in Northern Italy.

There is an obsession with your weight in pregnancy isn't there ? Drove me to a complex.

However re your MIL's mode of expressing herself...

Bollocks is it cultural, that is Italian DH speak for "I do not wish to stand up to my mamma cos she is a bulldozer and I reckon it's easier to get round my wife".

I have friend's with lovely Italian MIls, you and I just got short straws. Mine turned out to be mentally ill, yours is being a nasty cow cos she thinks she can get away with it.

If you need to yak follow the path from profile to blog to email.

lalalonglegs · 24/01/2011 19:33

There is a very creepy intense dynamic between some Italian mothers and their sons but this woman is just being nasty. She doesn't like you and the fact she does it in front of her son means that she wants to divide his loyalties.

She's really not going to change. Generally, Italians just don't talk about these things - they will just take their positions and let the feud simmer.

pommedeterre · 24/01/2011 19:39

My ex was Italian and we lived over there very near his insane family. In heated arguments I always found myself shouting at him that he wanted to f*ck his mother. Still think deep down I believe that.
It is more than weird.

stilldazed · 24/01/2011 19:39

just to say..It is the intense dynamic as lalalonglegs puts it that I believe to be cultural. Not the comments she made to you...they were just nasty.

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