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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to italian mil's comments

93 replies

earthling · 24/01/2011 17:47

i live in northern italy and have a 4 month old baby with my italian husband...my mil started to call me fatty when i was pregnant to which i objected after the nth time of her saying it so i thought she'd got the message loud and clear only for her to say something quite hideous when i was 7 months pregnant when we were at a restaurant. a rather obese unattractive woman walked in and my mil asked whether i was eyeballing her coz she reminded me of myself (!?) my dh was sat next to me and heard but didnt react which has since been a source of countless arguments...she saw my crestfallen expression and laughed at me. she hung up on dh when he finally got round to asking her about it (2 weeks later!) so i avoided her for the rest of my pregnancy. when my baby was born she came to the hospital and remarked that she'd never have thought someone like me would have made such a lovely baby (ha bloody ha)...ive since decided i just dont want anything more to do with her and dh takes the baby round to see her once a week....is this simply cultural difference territory to be tollerated by me (as dh asserts) or a nasty person with issues (shes 90 kg) to be avoided from now on?

OP posts:

alegre · 24/01/2011 19:46

She sounds mean and nasty.
I'm from Spanish and Italian background and growing up I had issues with my weight. My mediterranean relatives never seemed to worry about how I would actually feel when they referred to my big thighs, what size I was etc etc. They were always trying to give me 'helpful' hints as to what I could do to lose weight, dress better to make the most of curves etc. It really knocked my self-confidence and they really didn't understand why I would get upset. They thought they were just saying what there is and I just had to accept it as they meant no harm. So there may be some cultural differences and I can sort of see where your DH may be coming from.

However, the comments your MIL made re the other woman in the restaurant and your baby sound horrible and mean, beyond what even my mediterranean relatives would say. Your DH may just shrug it off as cultural differences but as your DH he should point out to his mother that she shouldn't speak to you in this way. I think he needs to stand up for you.

giveitago · 24/01/2011 19:51

I wouldn't bother your dh too much with this if he's the sort to just defend her and tell you to get over it.

If she takes a snipe - take a snipe back. But avoid her and just ensure that her comments don't take over the pleasure of your new baby (congratulations).

Original poster

earthling · 24/01/2011 20:00

me again th original messenger just to add that dh takes our baby boy there once a week but only for an hour or so which im quite fine with as its not enough for her to exert any real influence...dh isnt as lilly livered as maybe has come across but is utterly inert when it comes to defending me in front of her..he says its just the way she is and doesnt mean ill by it. them being italian tho and essentially clannish she got her brother who lives in france to email dh to basically tell him to get me to tow the line and start going back round to the inlaws..this dh totally ignored..i know all about italian men's ambiguous relationships with their mothers as my previous partner of 7 yrs was italian too..its maybe par for the course but im not gonna feel bad coz i dont wanna see her anymore as ive been made to feel. i can envisage bigger probs in the future tho as she is devout catholic and will not be cool about fact our baby wont be christened...cant help thinking her nasty comments were a passive aggressive way of distancing me from the family or am i just paranoid...

OP posts:

HowAnnoying · 24/01/2011 20:02

I have italian PIL (well Sicilian) FIL is OK but MIL has issues and does come out with some bizarre and offensive comments, like calling her Nieces son a "spastic" because he only said "mama" and "papa" at 18 months. My DS2 is now 19 months and not said a proper word still so god only knows what thinks of him.

Another Italian family we know, the DIL recently had a baby and did put on quite a bit of weight, the PIL were commenting to my DP that she was too fat, but these two are like really short and round, and they look like footballs, as does their son.

Also a cousin had to go on a "diet" when pregnant as it was decided she was getting too fat. Maybe it is a wierd italian obsession with weight in pregnancy.

But your MIL is being a complete Bitch doesn't matter what nationality she is.

BananaGio · 24/01/2011 20:05

just sounds like a nasty woman! am also in Italy (Rome) with Italian dp and ds. No MIL but FIL is a constant challenge. When MIL was alive she was more than happy to make weight remarks and comment on the fact I hadnt lost any though. Weight commentary is definitely more of an acceptable part of the culture here IMO.But thats no excuse for her rudeness. Dont put yourself through it-avoid her! Congrats on your baby and come and see us on the Little Italy thread

sarahitaly · 24/01/2011 20:11

Where is the little Italy thread ?

fedupofnamechanging · 24/01/2011 20:14

Put your foot down. I wouldn't allow her to see my child without me being present. Once your child gets older, who knows what she will be saying about you to your child. I would tell her that until she gets some fucking manners, she will not be allowed access to your child.

Your DH needs to support you in this and it would be non negotiable for me.

Any chance of you moving back to England and getting out from her clutches?

BreastIntentions · 24/01/2011 20:14

She sounds like a total bitch. You've done well to keep your temper so far, I think I would have cried.

My mum dated a Venetian and on a visit to meet Mama she found a lovely bunch of Chrysanthemums in her room. She was very touched and asked her boyfriend if he had told his mum they were her favourite? He said no and looked a bit worried. She later found out they are strictly funeral flowers in Italy...nice!

Tanktop · 24/01/2011 20:14

Can I just add, I am married to an italian and my Italian MIL is one of the nicest women ever. Seriously couldnt have wished for a better MIL and Nonna for my DDs.

sarahitaly · 24/01/2011 20:17

"...she found a lovely bunch of Chrysanthemums in her room"

'king hell !!!

bubbleOseven · 24/01/2011 20:17

I adore italian MIL's.

Wouldn't want one though.

BreastIntentions · 24/01/2011 20:20

Sarahitaly - just realised I told this story without checking any facts, and my mum is one to never let the truth get in the way of a good story - I take it from your reaction it's true

onestepforward · 24/01/2011 20:26

My ex (Italian) MIL isn't like this! She does lack a tact gene but she is not downright nasty and has a good heart (we get on better now she is an 'ex' to be honest as I now realise I took some gestures as point making rather than kindness which I think they were). Don't think your MIL's behaviour can be written off as a cultural difference, sounds like more a power struggle? Hope you work it out.

sarahitaly · 24/01/2011 20:30

"just realised I told this story without checking any facts"

Put it this way, a "forrin" bringing those flowers would be forgiven in most cases, but there would be some frenzied "signs of the horns" going on, with men grabbing own balls and women grabbing left tit (or right tit, can never remember which and just grab both to be on the safe side) to ward off bad luck.

If MIL had put them in my room the message would be pretty clear, "die bitch , die".

Mine just says it, saves loads of money in the florist. But my MIL is seriously mentally ill for goodness sake. What is Signora Chrysanthemums excuse ?

Only the mafia sends these flowers to (currently) live people...

MadAboutQuavers · 24/01/2011 20:40

Even if it was cultural, there's no reason why you should have to put up with it.

You are the wife and the mother, and therefore more powerful than she is as far as your DH and your DS are concerned. She obviously hates it.
Tough! Don't back down or shy away.

BananaGio · 24/01/2011 20:48

sarah little italy thread is here

theoldtrout01876 · 24/01/2011 23:21

I used to have an Italian MIL she was EVIL a nastier woman ud never wish to meet.My xh never said anything to her about it,the men NEVER say anything against their mothers,that IS cultural.Please dont get me started about the ex SIL,s(gad my ticks coming back just thinking about that family)

Katey1010 · 24/01/2011 23:32

I lived there for a while and there seemed to be a habit of Italian men (married to non-Italians, not all Brits) running home to Mama when they rowed with their DWs. Having said that, most of the Nonne were lovely and just wanted to be incredibly involved with every aspect of their children's (son's) lives.

Yours sounds a little more crazed than that.

Bucharest · 25/01/2011 07:55

My SIL (also Italian, obviously) has had the same treatment from the old lass that I have (indeed all the 6 daughters and sons-in-law have) and she herself maintains (SIL) that despite this, despite what she went through (MIL went to her place of work too, tried to get her to lose her job, called her a street girl and still despises her because she's "ugly") that she knows when she herself becomes a MIL she will be exactly the same.

MIL once told me that the day she got married, her in-laws told her that that was that, they were her new family,and she would be allowed to go and visit her own family at Easter and Christmas. And that's how she's tried to make her own children live.

The whole fucking-your-mother thing might not be as far from the truth as we'd like to believe. Paediatricians down here (deep south) tell mothers-of-boys to twiddle their todgers to the point of erm, production, until such age as they are able to do it themselves. Tell me that has them both growing up with a healthy concept of mother-son boundaries......

onceamai · 25/01/2011 08:04

We had ONE Italian au-pair - it stayed at one. She appeared to stumble into continual inappropriate comments and it upset the children. I don't think there was any malice in the girl - it was just the way she was. She was temperamental with it too.

IMO (limited as it is) may well be cultural.

femalevictormeldrew · 25/01/2011 08:35

My MIL is not Italian but acts similar to your own old hag. Comment when I was pregnant: "X asked me were you starting to show and I told her I don't know because you are big anyway". Or when she walked in one evening when we were having a chinese as a treat "Its not a bit wonder you're fat". There were so many more comments and I posted on here before and the general thinking was that she was out of line, same as your own MIL. Its not a cultural thing, its jealousy, ignorance and rudeness and I hope you stand up to her because I don't

femalevictormeldrew · 25/01/2011 08:37

Bucharest

"Paediatricians down here (deep south) tell mothers-of-boys to twiddle their todgers to the point of erm, production, until such age as they are able to do it themselves"

Please, please tell me that does not mean what I think it does?

sarahitaly · 25/01/2011 08:51

"Paediatricians down here (deep south) tell mothers-of-boys to twiddle their todgers to the point of erm, production, until such age as they are able to do it themselves"

That sounds like something to do with the medical professions obsession with foreskin retraction from birth rather than encouragement of something sexual between mother and son. I spent the first year of my son's life wrestling medics off his willy and refusing to get involved in the foreskin torture stuff that they instructed me to do at home which sounded somewhat similar.

I've been here 15 years, while I've found the mother\son relationship to be somewhat suffocating compared to my own expectations, thus far I've yet to meet any mother\son combo that brought visions of potential incest to mind.

manchestermummy · 25/01/2011 09:07

YANBU but I do think it may be some sort of national traite to, well, have the tact of a sledge hammer.

DH's grandmother was Italian. She one walked up to a gentleman at church who was in a wheelchair. What she meant to say (she wasn't a horrible person!) was "I feel sorry for you, it must be difficult getting around etc.", but what came out was "Eh, you, you'd be better off dead". . Another time at a family wedding, she was watching DH's cousin's wife who's a little stout have a good dance on the dance floor. She was enjoying watching the dancing - loved that folk were having a good time - but looked accross at the cousin's wife and said "Eh, that woman, she's fat but she can certainly dance".

When she died, we were waiting in her house for the herse and we got onto remebering her and all the things she used to come out with. Poor DH and his BIL were still giggling when the herse came. They were pall bearers...

Bucharest · 25/01/2011 09:12

I remember when I first came over (1994) one of my friend's mothers walked up to me, poked my (size 12 at the time ) belly and went "you're fat!"

No-one says it now, though, so at least I know I must be a skinnymalinks. At least they say it to your face!

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