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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect an apology

82 replies

kezabel · 22/01/2011 22:13

Sd used to come and stay with dp and I every 2nd weekend. We had a great family life here and she was always treated well. The last time she was here she didn't get her own way over a simple thing. Next thing we knew she had gone home and told her her Mum a lot of lies. Basically she said my dd has been bullying her (not true), we treat her like crap (again not true, if anything she had been treated better than my own children) and a few other things. Anyway, to put it mildly, WW3 broke out. I got abusive messages off dp's ex and her family threatening to 'sort me out'. It was plastered all over fb that I was a nutjob etc. Dp knew it was lies about my dd so he told sd that maybe it was best if she didn't come out here if that's what she thought and he'd just take her on her own every week for days out etc. Fast forward 3 months and sd has decided she wants to come back out here. I've said that's fine as long as dd and I get an apology for the lies that were told. Well, dp hit the roof!! Called me all sorts and said it should be forgotten about by now. My argument is that it's not forgotten about, i'm still suffering abuse at the hands of his ex and we nearly split up over the stress of all of this. I think an apology is in order and it would show a little respect for me if nothing else.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, I just wanted to see what others think. There's a lot I couldn't fit in here or i'd be typing all night so any questions feel free to ask

OP posts:

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 22/01/2011 22:15

How old is she?

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 22:15

If they were lies and she admits they were lies then yes...damn right she should apologise.

Original poster

kezabel · 22/01/2011 22:18

Sd is 11. Yes I know that might seem very young to some of you but believe me when I say this girl is way ahead of herself. She knows right from wrong but has always gotten away with any bad behaviour..
mutznutz, yes she has admitted to dp that they were lies.

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 22/01/2011 22:20

My first thought too Ladyofthehouse.

However i think if threats were issued by the ex and her family then maybe an apology should be forthcoming.

skirt · 22/01/2011 22:20

Well if she has admitted lying, then she needs to apologise and brushing it under the carpet wont help.

McHobbes · 22/01/2011 22:21

yes you should absolutely expect an apology....if the girl is aware of the trouble she caused.

reelingintheyears · 22/01/2011 22:22

11 is old enough to be made aware of the consequences of her behaviour and i agree she should apologise.
So should the ex and her family.

outnumbered2to1 · 22/01/2011 22:24

your DP needs to grow a pair and lay down the law to his daughter. She is 11 not 7 and knows the difference between right and wrong. Also she admitted to him she told lies. She needs to apologise to you and also to YOUR DD for dragging her through the muck also by claiming she was bullying her.

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 22:24

For what it's worth (and admittedly without knowing her) kids that age and above do seem to know how to push the buttons in certain situations where there are step parents involved...but often they don't realise the immensity of the trouble it can cause.

I don't think it would do her any harm to be told about the threats and the whole FB thing (without details of who threatened who so as not to bring it all up again)...so she can see what a dangerous game telling lies in the family can be.

Then if she apologises...a good hug all round and never brought up again.

vanimal · 22/01/2011 22:25

YANBU, she should definitely apologise, otherwise she'll think it's ok to lie no matter what the consequences.

Original poster

kezabel · 22/01/2011 22:31

Unfortunately there's not a hope of the ex and her family ever apologising. These people are seriously off the chart in the crazy things they can do to get their own way. I have been treated like crap by the ex since I started seeing dp (5 years ago) and it just got worse when I got pregnant on our ds. I won't even tell you some of the nasty things that have been said about my baby. Truly shocking!!!
Sd knows about the threats. A lot of them were posted on fb where she could see them.

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 22/01/2011 22:37

I think this must be quite common with step children at this age as we had exactly the same thing happen with my SD

Fortunately her mum did not go off half cocked, she spoke to us civilly about it and we ironed it all out. Turns out SD had told her not to say anything to us so it was clearly an attention thing, trying to play us off against her mum. In the past she had told tales on her mum and step dad to us.

It passed, we never mentioned it to her so as not to let her think her mum had betrayed her confidence. But DH did sit her down and ask how she felt about things, and told her to talk to us if she had a problem with anything.

She is now 17 and a lovely young lady whom we get on with fabulously.

An apology would be appropriate, however I can see that her dad probably wants to just welcome her back into family life without making it to difficult for her. She is just a child, she is vey insecure and needs reassurance not a hard time. She also is probably jealous of you and your DD and the place you hold in her dad's heart.

If you make her welcome then I'm sure the apology will come, when she is ready and she really means it, rather than forced put of her.

McHobbes · 22/01/2011 22:42

hmmmm Shakirasma you actually speaketh the good sense....BUT in this instance, I think a brief polite apology would hardly be making it difficult for her. She has caused a lot of trouble with her carry on, to someone who did not deserve it, and I'm sure the OP isn't wanting or expecting her to grovel.

Just an acknowledgemnt that she did wrong and recognises that fact with regret would be appropriate.

A simple sorry.

Original poster

kezabel · 22/01/2011 23:12

A simple sorry is all i'm looking for. Just to acknowledge that what she did was wrong and how we have all suffered because of it. It's causing so much stress between us now, dp and I aren't even speaking.

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 22/01/2011 23:18

Yet another reason why children shouldn't be on FB.
But that's a whole load of other threads.

bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 23:28

Nobody said the child was on FB. I took it to mean the mother was on FB and shit stirring.

McHobbes · 22/01/2011 23:33

I actually think it is pivotal that she apologise. Your dh is being a wimp and looking at it with his daddy goggles on.

She is 11. She did wrong. She needs to take responsibilty for that by apologising.

If this is swept under the carpet, it will teach her nothing helpful at all, and she will likely go on to shit stir and tell lies again. Why not? Nothing happened the last time she did it.

RevoltingPeasant · 22/01/2011 23:33

kez

I don't have DCs myself yet, so might have the approach wrong here, but...

If you see yourself as her DSM, can you tackle this yourself? Have her over, say how nice it is to see her, BUT you want to have a serious chat with her. When she said those things she really hurt your feelings and made your DD feel terrible. You love her and you want her around, but she can't do things like that. You'd like her to say sorry, please. Then have a hug and forget about it.

I just wonder about it all going through your DP. If she is to respect you properly, maybe just eyeballing her and talking to her straight will be the best bet?

McHobbes · 22/01/2011 23:34

Nothing happened to HER that is!

RevoltingPeasant · 22/01/2011 23:35

... If she is a decent kid she will maybe remember that in years to come, when her nutty bio family are screwing around and she needs someone normal and honest to talk to. It is also treating her like a grownup, which kids of that age (IME)often respond well to.

Original poster

kezabel · 22/01/2011 23:46

Ok, i'll elaborate a bit more. When dp told sd that maybe she shouldn't come out here if she feels she's being bullied the ex went crazy. Said he was under the thumb and I had sd banned from the house (i didn't). Then after a few weeks she changed her mind and said that sd wasn't ALLOWED out here anywhere near that effin nutjob (me). She changes her tune every week when she's stuck for a babysitter, wanting us to take her. Dp has asked her to make her mind up, which is it, is she allowed out here or not?? I've said she can come out here no problem, as long as she apologises first but he keeps saying no.

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 23/01/2011 00:15

bubblewrapped....the op said the SD could see it on FB.

Original poster

kezabel · 23/01/2011 09:51

reelingintheyears, you're right, she DID have a fb account. I say 'did' as I reported it and had it removed for being underage. I didn't do it out of spite though, I did it because the ex was logging in under sd's account and posting nasty stuff there so sd was definitely seeing all the threats and nastiness.

OP posts:

lurkeyishere · 23/01/2011 10:03

are all step kids like this? seriously I have an 11 year old SD and she is the same she lies constantly about how I treat her same as OP she is treated better then my own kids
She steals my kids toys and takes them to her mothers house basically takes anything nice that me and OH have bought her to her mothers leaving us with non matching clothes or non fitting clothes no coats scarves shoes etc when we are going somewhere nice with her she looks like the poor relation

AIBU To expect to change into her poor relation clothes before she goes home

monkeyflippers · 23/01/2011 10:05

Has she told her mum that it was lies?

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