AIBU to expect an apology

[kezabel]

Sd used to come and stay with dp and I every 2nd weekend. We had a great family life here and she was always treated well. The last time she was here she didn't get her own way over a simple thing. Next thing we knew she had gone home and told her her Mum a lot of lies. Basically she said my dd has been bullying her (not true), we treat her like crap (again not true, if anything she had been treated better than my own children) and a few other things. Anyway, to put it mildly, WW3 broke out. I got abusive messages off dp's ex and her family threatening to 'sort me out'. It was plastered all over fb that I was a nutjob etc. Dp knew it was lies about my dd so he told sd that maybe it was best if she didn't come out here if that's what she thought and he'd just take her on her own every week for days out etc. Fast forward 3 months and sd has decided she wants to come back out here. I've said that's fine as long as dd and I get an apology for the lies that were told. Well, dp hit the roof!! Called me all sorts and said it should be forgotten about by now. My argument is that it's not forgotten about, i'm still suffering abuse at the hands of his ex and we nearly split up over the stress of all of this. I think an apology is in order and it would show a little respect for me if nothing else.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, I just wanted to see what others think. There's a lot I couldn't fit in here or i'd be typing all night so any questions feel free to ask

A registered letter has just come in for dp. I reckon it's the ex bringing him to court for something. What now??

kezabel hope your letter is nothing serious. You have enough to worry about at the moment.

If you do decide to stay, then the first thing you need to address is the difference in the way your children are treated by your partner. This is so unfair for your poor DD and will have all sorts of consequences in her life wrt her self esteem and her long term relationship with you. She will grow up thinking you didn't defend her, while your 'partner' and his child treated her badly. Your son will be caught in the middle of all this . Will he live by the rules your dd has to live by or will he be allowed to run riot like his other sister?

Your DP needs to decide with you an acceptable way for the children to be brought up and then he needs to stick to it for all his children. He needs to see that a family unit will fail if one child is exempt from the rules.

I agree that the SD should apologise.

I'm just wondering though whether she has done this because of the reaction it gets from her mum? For example 'her' mum 'demanded' her request be met to visit new baby first. She tells her mum your dd bullying her and her mum goes cock a hoop. It does make you wonder what exactly the SD is saying and how much of the extra drama is created by her mother. Maybe she thought days out just her dad and her would be better, knew how to get her mum to demand this and has now actually realised that is not better - because she does like you and your dd and wants to spend time with you.

TBH - I think the fact an 11yo has admitted shes wrong and wants to spend time with her SM,SS ,DF as oppossed to one on one time speaks volumes. I think let her back, be 'normal' with her and just mention your there to listen to her too if theres a problem, but you can't carry on supporting her if she tells lies.

If what the SD has said isn't as bad as the mum is making out then I do not think your SD should apologise for the problems her own mother has caused.

Well, the letter is indeed the ex bringing dp back to court over 'access'. I find it strange that one minute she's adament that dp is not allowed bring sd out here to be anywhere near 'that nutjob' (me), yet she's taking him to court for breaking the access agreement. I'm sure he has all the texts saved where she was saying all this so I wonder if that will make any difference.
karmabeliever I totally agree with you that all the kids should be parented in the same way. Dp only does that when it suits him. For example, we never go as days out as a family without sd as it 'wouldn't be fair for her to be left out' but it's ok for him and sd to go off together to the cinema, shopping trips etc while the rest of us are excluded. When she used to stay out here she could mess up dd's bedroom as much as she wanted, leaving dirty underwear and socks lying around. If dd asked him to say it to her she'd be told to 'leave her alone'. Yet if dd dropped a sock on her way down from the shower she would be shouted at to pick it up and told she's a messy so and so. They're just small examples, I can think of lots more.
mumbar The more I think of it now i'm wondering if sd did ever tell her mother that it was lies. She told dp that she'd admitted to her mother that my dd was not bullying her. She didn't admit to lying about how I treat her though. Now i'm beginning to think she just said that to dp to keep him quiet.

Maybe it would be best not to communicate through your step daughter, but to get DP to speak to his ex directly regarding their DD. If she is not the kind of woman who will be receptive to a sit down to iron all this out, then maybe letters via the sloicitor is the best way forward. If you go down that route, perhaps something should be mentioned about her not slandering you. Agree that you can't rely on your step daughter to pass accurate, truthful information to her mum.

Sadly, this does not help you with the problem of your DP. Even if everything with the ex and DSD is resolved, you are still left with a partner who isn't treating your DC equally.

Maybe you should get your DP to read this thread. Perhaps reading the opinions of neutral parites will open his eyes?

but all the children aren't really being treated equally - are they? One only sees her dad every few weeks, where as your child and your joint Ds has him every night. I can understand that he feels perhaps torn and guilty (especially if she lives with an unstable, bitter mother as her main influence) and finds it difficult to come down hard on her for the short time he does see her- I can also understand why having some time together (just the 2 of them) - is really important.

Sorry your going through all this - it sounds a nightmare and very complicated - hope you find a way to deal with it.