AIBU to expect an apology

[kezabel]

Sd used to come and stay with dp and I every 2nd weekend. We had a great family life here and she was always treated well. The last time she was here she didn't get her own way over a simple thing. Next thing we knew she had gone home and told her her Mum a lot of lies. Basically she said my dd has been bullying her (not true), we treat her like crap (again not true, if anything she had been treated better than my own children) and a few other things. Anyway, to put it mildly, WW3 broke out. I got abusive messages off dp's ex and her family threatening to 'sort me out'. It was plastered all over fb that I was a nutjob etc. Dp knew it was lies about my dd so he told sd that maybe it was best if she didn't come out here if that's what she thought and he'd just take her on her own every week for days out etc. Fast forward 3 months and sd has decided she wants to come back out here. I've said that's fine as long as dd and I get an apology for the lies that were told. Well, dp hit the roof!! Called me all sorts and said it should be forgotten about by now. My argument is that it's not forgotten about, i'm still suffering abuse at the hands of his ex and we nearly split up over the stress of all of this. I think an apology is in order and it would show a little respect for me if nothing else.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, I just wanted to see what others think. There's a lot I couldn't fit in here or i'd be typing all night so any questions feel free to ask

She should tell you and her sister she is sorry.
I would be angry about the dp more than her. He should have told her to apologize the minute she admitted she told lies about you.

Yadnbu

fwiw I couldn't live the way you describe in your latest post.

She needs to apologise.

Don't set a precedent. Get the ground rules sorted....what's acceptable....what's not.

Would your partner like it if all this vitriol was aimed at him? Would he be happy to "forget it"?

I too would expect an apology as a pre-requisite for burying the hatchet and all moving forward with a fresh start. YANBU.

IME men often have to be taught how to apologise & why it is so important. It often comes up between DP & I. Is your DP good at apologising himself? If not it might help shed some light on why he is being a prat about this.

My 3 year old knows how to apologise and why it is important!!!!!!!!!

Damn right she should apologise, she should understand the consequences of what she does. Also not fair on your kids otherwise. Good luck.

wannabe, you cant say that the break up of their marriage is partly the childs fault!

It will be the fault of the DP who is refusing to handle the situation appropriately. The child did a childish thing, as I said before it was learned behaviour from her mother and family, she thinks it is normal! Her father refusing to discipline her in anyway is the problem, the OP wouldnt be considering ending her marriage if he had acknowledged her feelings.

I rather think that this is a symptom of a bigger problem than the issue itself, and blaming the child isnt helpful at all.

Kezabel, I am sorry I made you cry yesterday, it's just that I immediately related to what you were saying, even though I don't have anything like the problems you have when dealing with my DP's son. (See? He's not my DSS, he's my DP's son, who comes to stay with us every weekend and he and his dad follow their own way with their own rules during that time).
Even before I got to your latest post I was thinking that you have tried very hard to treat this child as part of your extended family. However, it doesn't appear to me that your DP does the same for yours? Maybe if he did, if he arranged family outings instead of always taking his daughter off for treats, if he comforted your child when his daughter had upset them, things could be different.

I'll be watching to see how you get on, and I hope that you can move to a happier life, whatever that may involve.

I agree that the child should apologise. 11 years old is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong and is old enough to know that actions have consequences.

Unfortunately your step daughter isn't learning this because her parents have completely overindulged her. Your 'D'P should have sorted this out ages ago, by telling her that this behaviour is unacceptable and she must apologise . He has been a spineless and disloyal to you and as a result you have lost respect for him. I think this situation is very damaging to your DD, who is getting the message that being well behaved and nice, just results in her being treated like a 2nd class citizen.

Children need boundaries and your partner is doing his child no favours. She may well have grown up into a lovely person, had her dad parented her properly.

Your relationship cannot work out if you have no support and respect from your partner. I would stand by insisting on the apology. Whether she means it or not, she has to learn that you will not be walked all over. I'd tell 'D'P, that he either supports you 100% in this or he can move out. Don't think you will get anywhere with half measures. This situation will get worse and you have 2 other children to think about.

FFS, my DD is 4.5 and would be expected to apologise for telling a lies.
OP, YANBU, she is certainly old enough to understand the consequences of her actions, and to be responsible for them.

I think that there is a different way to look at it. SD must know what she did was wrong and caused hurt. She may be glad about that superficially but also must feel guilty. Guilt is a terrible emotion and leads to issues in later life (you'd be amazed how many addicts are using because of guilt). It will be good for SD to apologise not just to try to make her a better person but because it will make her a happier person (in the long run).

If (D)H can't understand that his job is to make difficult but right decisions rather than easy but wrong ones then I think you do have to rethink your relationship.

So sorry

to be fair to DH he is stuck betweeen a rock and a hard place - If I wanted my DD to visit noone would stop me and to refuse a child a visit to her father's house is wrong.

granted she may be a little madam but she should be able to visit her father.

I don't see any point in forcing an apology that is not heartfelt, let her back but give her ground rules. Be the bigger person (you are afterall the adult).

Do think apology should be given, adn your DP shuold support yuo. He is wrong not to do so. I think that at 11 the child knows right form wring and shuold be forced to see the effect of her behavious and have it made clear to her that it is unacceptable, that she is sharing yuor home too and should show soem respect.

I want to say a huge thank you to everyone for the support on here. I really think I might have cracked up this week end if I hadn't have posted this. This issue has been going on for about 3 months now and i've just reached the point where I can take no more.
Sd has already admitted to the lies. Her mother knows she was lying about the bullying but still likes to have other people think it's true. It makes me seem like a horrible person. She has portrayed me on fb and the likes as a terrible mother who condones bullying and allows her little princess to be treated badly in my home. Like I said before, sd was treated better than my own children just to keep the peace.
The only reason I can think of for dp not letting her apologise to me is that he doesn't want to rock the boat. He knows sd would go straight home and tell her mother that she was forced to apologise or given a talking to about her behaviour and it would all start up again. Well, that doesn't wash with me. If he's choosing their happiness over mine and wanting to keep the peace for their sake there really is no point in carrying on. I have lived under that woman's ruling for too long now. The atmosphere in our house depends on if she's in a good mood or not cos if she's not then the abusive calls and texts start.
I think even now if sd did apologise it probably wouldn't make any difference. The damage has been done. If that sounds harsh I apologise, but this is just the latest in a long series of disagreements over her behaviour. She has been let rule the roost in this house for too long.

I think you need to somehow control the mother, who sounds like a nasty piece of work, is the stuff on facebook enough to amount to harassment?

Good luck kezabel.
Does something make me think that the house is yours? Or have I got that wrong?

Pearlym, I don't think there's much chance of controlling the mother. She's very spiteful. She made the mistake of mentioning me by name on fb once and I took a screenshot of the conversation that followed. Any other time i'm referred to as 'that thing' or other such names but it's obvious to all that she's talking about me.
Thanks Myleetlepony. The house isn't 'mine'. Dp and I rent. It's still my home as much as his though yet the ex refers to it as his house all the time

Kezabel you poor thing, it all sounds horrific. I agree with everyone here who says that 11 is plenty old enough to know about right and wrong and certainly about contrition. Your 'd'p and his ex are doing their child a terrible disservice and it is very unfair that it is affecting you so much.

I hope you make a decision that makes you happy.

YANBU

sounds awful and maybe you have reached the end of the line which is a shame. However I feel a bit strange about the demanded apology or she's not allowed back. Of course she should apologise and your Dh sounds as though he isn't handling this well, though must be very difficult for him but what if your child did something that demanded an apology but didn't apologise (though your SD might do so if she is asked) - would they be shown the door (especially at 11) and told to not return until they did apologise?

It sounds like a hellish situation all round. I don't think you should make an ultimatum about the apology, but you (or preferably) your DP should be taking her to hand in this. She needs to learn this sort of behaviour has consequences, and your DP should be more considerate of your feelings and those of the other innocent children in your family, instead of backng down which is just teaching her she can get her own way by being horrid. You should expect and demand support from your partner, and it sounds like you aren't getting it.

I think you need to make him realise you are serious about splitting up. He needs to leave now. Give yourselves some time apart, and see if with some space he comes to his senses. If he doesn't, then you are better off away from the whole situation. Sorry.

It's not that she's not allowed back. I've told dp that if he wants her out here i'm not going to stop him. But unless he tells her that we deserve an apology then I will bring my dc to stay in my parents house for the night he has her. I've been telling him this for weeks but he's shown that he doesn't think we deserve an apology by not bringing her out here. He comes down like a tonne of bricks on my dd if she doesn't tidy up after herself, back answers, etc yet his dd can get away with causing crap like this??? There have often been times where my dd was cheeky to him or hurt his feelings with her harsh answers (hormonal) but I have sat her down and pointed out that her bahaviour wasn't very nice and does she not think dp deserves an apology. She has always apologised to him when she was in the wrong. Sd has a phone and unrestricted internet access, if she really wanted to apologise she would have by now I think.
Toastie, dp has rarely taken her to hand on anything. If it means an easier life for him he will let her away with murder. When she used to be out here i've on more than one occasion seen her and dd do the exact same thing. Dd gets told off but nothing is said to her
The more i'm writing about this the more i'm feeling like a complete fool :(

You are not a fool but this is a sad situation for all.

If you give the ultimatum you need to be absolutely prepared for him to say "Ok". Then, where does that leave you and your dd?

Personally, I would say that an apology is necessary so that you can all clear the decks and move on (hopefully, to better times). ESPECIALLY at her age, she needs to learn that we must consider others' needs and feelings if we are to garner good relationships in school, at home and later, in work. Your partner is not stepping up to the plate. Again, if the shoe were on the other foot and he were in your position, how might he feel?

If it really has reached the stage where you cannot go forward and your relationship ends, then this "little girl" will have played a big part in that. Your husband and she (eventually) may regret that.