AIBU to expect an apology

[kezabel]

Sd used to come and stay with dp and I every 2nd weekend. We had a great family life here and she was always treated well. The last time she was here she didn't get her own way over a simple thing. Next thing we knew she had gone home and told her her Mum a lot of lies. Basically she said my dd has been bullying her (not true), we treat her like crap (again not true, if anything she had been treated better than my own children) and a few other things. Anyway, to put it mildly, WW3 broke out. I got abusive messages off dp's ex and her family threatening to 'sort me out'. It was plastered all over fb that I was a nutjob etc. Dp knew it was lies about my dd so he told sd that maybe it was best if she didn't come out here if that's what she thought and he'd just take her on her own every week for days out etc. Fast forward 3 months and sd has decided she wants to come back out here. I've said that's fine as long as dd and I get an apology for the lies that were told. Well, dp hit the roof!! Called me all sorts and said it should be forgotten about by now. My argument is that it's not forgotten about, i'm still suffering abuse at the hands of his ex and we nearly split up over the stress of all of this. I think an apology is in order and it would show a little respect for me if nothing else.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, I just wanted to see what others think. There's a lot I couldn't fit in here or i'd be typing all night so any questions feel free to ask

She told dp back when this all started that she had told her mother it wasn't true but that the mother won't listen to her. Now the ex loves a bit of drama so I reckon she won't accept that her little princess is a liar and would rather me and my dd are made out to be the horrible people in all this.

I think that of course she should apologise, but it will mean more if it isn't forced on her. I think you should let her come round again and speak to her direct about what happened, chances are she will apologie as part of the chat you have.

What would happen if she lived with you or it was your dd who had been telling lies? Assume you want her to feel like she is at home when visiting you I don't think it's reasonable to say she isn't welcome, it's like throwing her out which isn't an acceptable punishment for an 11 year old.

This is what I sometimes find hard. When you share your life with your partner's child or children, but somehow there is a barrier between you and them. What I mean is, as this young lady wants to spend time with Kezabel, it should be OK for Kezabel to be able to speak to her direct and say "I think you should say sorry to me and dd don't you?". But somehow it all has to get filtered through the partner.

I have the same thing going on and it frustrates me incredibly. Sometimes I think, if only I was allowed to deal with things direct and my way they would be less of an issue.

Kezabel, to be honest, I think your DP should see that an apology would be a reasonable thing to ask of an 11 year old who had behaved in this way. And if he doesn't, then I'd be bothered about the disrespectful attitude to other people that he is teaching her. And if he gets mad when this is discussed, then I think he's extending the disrespectful attitude to you, which is rather worrying.

"I've said she can come out here no problem, as long as she apologises first" is imo a bit too dramatic and can see why your dp reacts to this ultimatum.

agree with a few pp's, welcome her back to your home and have a chat with her yourself and let her know how important she is to you and your family and how much she hurt everyone and hopefully a sincere apology (or a least mutal understanding) will be forthcoming.

Myleetlepony, I'm actually in tears here reading your post. That is exactly how I feel. It's the lack of respect that is really bothering me here. I feel like I am a nobody in my own home, that my opinion means nothing. Dp has spent years pandering to his dd under the orders of his ex and this comes at a cost to his other children. Sd has been given everything she wants when she wants it. She demanded to be first to the hosptal to see the baby when he was born and this demand was met. He rushed his parents round to collect her and bring her in while my dd was left at home and had to wait til the next day. It's little things like these that get to me.
I just don't know what to do anymore :(

Poor you Kez. I think that you rightly deserve an apology and so does your DD. AT 11 she does know right from wrong and it does sound like the EX is adding fuel to the fire.

I think your DP needs to realise that she has told lies about you and your DD which have been made public and put out on FB.

These children need to realise tho that they cannot make up lies, say nasty things and just have them brushed under the carpet. People have feelings no matter what age they are.

I have been having problems with my DSD who is 15. I have always done so much for her and 7 weeks ago she kicked off and made up lies about me. I have not seen her since and she is not welcome in our home until I get an apology but now after 7 weeks I cannot see it will happen.

Tell DP how you feel and how your DD feels and he needs to act on this and punish her and make her realise that you cannot treat people like this and things like this have consequences. Hope you get it sorted. For the record I have been a step parent for 12 years (have two of my own with DH) and alto you try to love your stepkids it is difficult, there is no manual to show you how to love them. With your own children it comes naturally. Do not let this affect your relationship with DP but do stand firm you are a human being after all. Good luck

Lindax, I don't think it's dramatic. I have been verbally abused and physically threatened over the lies she has told. My dd was upset for a very long time as people were accusing her of being a bully when she is actually one of the kindest girls you can meet. I know for a fact that if my dd had been in any way disrespectful to dp she would have apologised and felt very guilty for doing it. The fact is sd is happy with all this as it means she gets to spend a full day with dp every week while we are left at home She is once again centre of attention in his eyes and that suits her fine. To me even that shows his lack of respect for us as he is rewarding her for her bad behaviour by bringing her on days out every week and giving her all this one on one time while we, the ones who have done no wrong, are left at home getting no time with him as he spends his only day off work with her

I think your dp is in danger of teaching your sd a very dangerous lesson- that it is ok to lie, cause huge amounts of trouble, hurt people (you and your dd) in a very significant way and yet, if she leaves it long enough...she can get away with it.
He really isn't doing her any favours in the long run. Manipulation is not something to be rewarded.

I can fully understand why you want her to apologise, BUT she is 11. She told some lies and didn't think through the consequences. She probably felt awful when it was went crazy, and she's probably hugely embarrassed by it.

The fact is sd is happy with all this as it means she gets to spend a full day with dp every week while we are left at home

She isnt going to think about you at home, she is thinking about her Daddy! Your post sounds like you think she is manipulative and delberately trying to freeze you and your DC out of your DHs lives. You have him all week, she gets him one day a week, thats all she sees. She doesnt see that its his one day off, she sees it that you get him most of the time and your dd gets her daddy all the time and she doesnt. Thats probably why she accused your dd, she is jealous that her sister gets daddy when she doesnt. Doesnt make it right, but makes it understandable.

She doesnt know what she did was wrong because no one has told her. Her mother backed her up even after she admitted it was lies, so she has no moral compass to guide her. The problem isnt the child, but the mother and as long as the child is under the age of majority, you will have to deal with the mother. As sickening as it is, you have to suck that up and make the time your SD has with you as stable as possible. This time away from your home has probably hurt her an awful lot, so I think she will be feeling some regret for what she did now, even if only from a selfish point of view.

She is only 11, a child not an adult. She has been brought up by someone who is clearly a bit unbalanced in terms of her ex, and therefore as far as she is concerned, chucking a tantrum and telling lies to get her own way is fine. Its what her mother and the family do, so its normal to her.

She is still a child, and a very confused child at that by the sound of it. Yes it must be hard to know what you and your dd were on the receiving end of something you didnt deserve but chances are she didnt realise the effect it had on you. Expecting an apology for something she doesnt understand is a bit much tbh.

Could you talk to your DP and suggest that she comes over and you and he have a talk with her on her own (after your DC is in bed?) to let her know that what she did upset you very much and that it wasnt acceptable. Say that you feel that it would be good of her to apologise to your dd and see what happens, chances are she will apologise to you too. Saying to your DP that she cant come into his home until she apologises is wrong. It is her home too as he is her father and short of violence or abuse of some sort, nothing should stop her being allowed to be there.

Dont let this become a problem between you and your DH as that sounds like exactly what his ex wants.

YANBU but I think your real problem is the lack of respect that is being shown to you by your 'd'p.

I agree with Chaotic. Of course the DS should apologise, there's no doubt about that, none at all.

The fact that you almost split over all of this, it has caused HUGE problems and yet your DH just says it should all be in the past speaks volumes.

He is not doing that child any favours allowing her this much power over you/your family/your relationship. She has been rewarded for being a little shit madam... all she is learning is how to be manipulative... brilliant.

Your DD is being made to feel like she doesn't matter.

God alone knows what it is all doing to your joint DS.

I agree with Bogeyface and an earlier poster - 11 is very young and this is a girl who lives with a family that is clearly not stable. She is desperate for attention and, yes, the lies were wrong but she is in an environment where lies are told. The abuse you have had, whilst awful, is NOT your SD's fault and you should try not to put that blame on her. It is not her fault if her mother and relatives are how they are.

You are the adult here and this is a little girl who would greatly benefit from some time in a normal family house (yours) and with some unconditional warm care and attention. Please don't put barriers in her way - she no doubt feels bad enough (and torn enough) already without the humiliation of a formal apology to her step mother who, in an ideal world, should try to love her and treat her as she would want her own daughters treated.

It is perfectly in order for you to let her know (gently) how hurt you and DP have been over this and how you hope that she has learned a lesson from its unexpected consequences, but please welcome her back into the family. She needs you and it is sad to think you might be (inadvertently and somewhat understandably) stopping her from seeing her father.

I am so sorry for what you have been through btw. It must have been very difficult but you need to be strong and not hold it against an 11 year old girl with emotional issues who clearly wants to make bridges and re-establish contact. She probably misses you :-(

Thank you all so much for the honesty in your replies. Bogeyface, I totally get what you are saying but it was said to her that what she had done was wrong. Dp had a chat with her about 2 weeks after it all kicked off. He explained all the hurt it had caused but then sd went back to the ex and told a totally different version of the conversation which started up another cycle of abuse for me. Although she is only young, this girl knows how to play everyone to her own advantage. She knows what to say to get the reaction she wants as she has been doing it for years. I said it to dp way before Christmas to bring her out and we could have a chat about everything but he wasn't happy about that either. He really thinks it should all be forgotten about which means no apology, no discussion and no punishment. I just think this is so unfair as my relationship is crumbling yet i'm expected to put on a happy face for sd and pretend all is well

sd probably went home upset and ended up saying what her mum wanted her to say. She 11. I would let her back but I'd also make sure I had a little time alone to chat to her. Demanding an apology probably won't work, you're the grown up and she is 11 and being pulled in different directions by and emotional bitter mother (by the sounds of it). I would make it clear that you are very fond of her and that she's always welcome in the house, and that you see her and her opinion just as important as those of your own children.

She needs security and may be testing her dad's unconditional love.

Take a deep breath and go with it - you may get an apology... possibly when she's 25!

YANBU she admitted she lied and she should be apologising.

at your DP's attitude as well. Would he be so quick to brush this aside if he was the one being threatened due to lies told by your DD?

I understand what you are saying about you feeling that your DP is expecting you act like nothing has happened, that would really upset me too. I think that is a seperate issue to this apology though, in a sense.

You are angry with your DP for putting your feelings last over his and his dd, understandably. That needs addressing otherwise your relationship will continue to suffer. I woud recommend counselling and if he wont come then go alone, so a) he knows you are serious and b) it may help you find some ways of dealing with it.

Regarding the dd behaviour. You could look at it like she is manipulating everyone to get her own way. But you said that she has done this for years, and a very little girl isnt that clever, a 5 year old wouldnt know how to do that conciously. More likely, she feels abandoned by her father who now has a new wife and family, and used and confused by her mother who is frankly a screw loose. She finds that if she does this then daddy takes more notice of her and mummy is nicer to her, for a short while. Its a learned reaction.

I know it is hard, I am a stepmum myself, but perhaps imagining how you would feel if it was your own dd behaving like this, after living the same life as your SD may make you feel more sympathetic?

I've read through all the replies again and i'm sitting here tonight thinking that it's time to admit defeat. I feel my relationship with dp is over, he obviously has no respect for me and unfortunately this isn't the first time he's shown it. I just don't feel the same way about him any more and I don't think I could ever feel the same for sd either. I've been made a mug of, pushed aside in my own home and watched my children being treated like second class citizens when sd is around just to make her feel special. I've bent over backwards to treat that girl like one of my own for years and it's all been thrown back in my face. I really don't think I can go back to the days of walking on eggshells when she is here just so she doesn't get upset or go back and report to her mother that she didn't enjoy herself at our house which would inevitably start the cycle of abuse again. That's how it's been for years now and I really don't think I can go back to it. If I don't deserve their respect then they don't deserve me!!! Time to take a stand I think

Kez, I am really sorry that you have come to that.

Would your DH consider Relate? They may be able to help him understand the effect this is having on you and your marriage.

I think he would laugh at me if I suggested any form of counselling :(

kez, I'm so sorry :( Do you think your DH has any idea of how serious this is for you? If you said to him you were really thinking of ending it, would it make him buck his ideas up?

If not, then tbh, he sounds pretty selfish and you deserve better.

But still... :(

I'm sure he knows how serious it is but he's probably expecting me to back down like I usually do. I think this time it's gone too far though. At the moment it's picture and no sound in the house, I'm too upset to even talk to him.

I am all for forgiving children because after all they are just children, but her Dad won't be doing her any favours by not expecting an apology, and is almost giving her a green light to do what she wants

Kezabel I have just read your updates and I am sad for you. I hope it works out x

people are too quick to excuse children's behaviors on the grounds that they "are only children" IMO.

At eleven she is perfectly capable of knowing what she is doing, and of facing the consequences for it.

If this child was making false alagations about a child at school (your child, not the op's child but a child in any of the posters here) would you be saying that of course she shouldn't have to apologise because she is "only a child" and "is only eleven and doesn't understand what she has done"? Of course you wouldn't. So why does it suddenly become excuseable just because these actions are perpitrated against an adult?

How far do you think a child should go before having to face the consequences? what if the alagations had meant that op had faced criminal charges? risk of authorities becoming involved with her own children? Would we be explaining that away then too?

Of course she should apologise.

anyone who thinks that children cannot manipulate a situation to their advantage is naive.

And if the op and her dh split up over this, then the child is partly responsible for that.