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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For considering having a DC2 with my exP?

127 replies

imhungry · 22/01/2011 20:38

Bit of a long one but bear with me. I split with exP after it became apparent that he may prefer boys to ladies IYSWIM! We have a DS who is 2.4yo. Obviously it was a deal breaker but we have stayed on very good terms and still have a good friendly relationship. He comes to see DS most days and we take him out and on holiday together. Nobody knows the real reason we split.

Before we split we both said we wanted another DC and I would still like to have another baby at some point. AIBU (or just insane) to consider asking him to have a 2nd DC with me?

I have thought about using an anonymous donor but am put off this by it meaning the younger DC wouldn't have a father around when DS would have his around and would be off doing stuff with him. I think it would be difficult for younger DC.

I'm very limited for space at home and as a result DS and I co sleep (its not just a space issue as we both enjoy it) but I know as he gets older he will need his own room etc. AIBU to think about having another one when I'm pushed for space?

I know what hard work having a baby is and have heard many people say its much harder going from one to two so would it be too difficult to manange on my own?

AIBU to think about having a 2nd DC on my own and/or asking my exP to be the father?

OP posts:
SilkStalkings · 23/01/2011 14:07

I'm just playing devil's advocate because I think a post like this could easily be a cry for help in a way. I mean, if she really thought it was a good idea she wouldn't be on here asking a bunch of strangers to talk her out of it.

Original poster
imhungry · 23/01/2011 14:10

Thanks for all the replies.

Some of you have questionned why I'm not looking for a new relationship and looking to move on. The simple reason is I just don't want to be in a serious long term relationship at the moment. I'm happy as I am and the majority of my time is spent looking after DS which I love. I work p/t and feel I have a good balance in my life in that sense. I have some very good close friends so have support from there and on the times that I can go out (ie when I'm child free) I would much rather spend that time with friends rather than a new bloke.

Perhaps I'm jaded from the last relationship but at the moment, finding a new partner is just not on my agenda. Maybe in time that will change. Therefore I don't feel wanting a 2nd baby is a distraction from moving on - I'm just not looking for that at the moment. Oh and I'm def not still in love with the ex - I'm sure we're on the same page on that one.

I know a few friends around my age who are also thinking about having children but for one reason or another are not in a relationship and they have also thought about using donors etc. However, for reasons I've stated, I don't feel this a an option for me.

I suppose its my age that I'm considering because if I was younger I wouldn't be thinking about it.

The lack of space is a concern but my flat is not tiny. Its a large flat with large rooms to play in but just has the one bedroom. I've always known this will become an issue when DS gets older so for that reason I'll obviously give him his own room. At the moment, he is perfectly happy and secure sharing my bed/room.

Thanks again for all your thoughts.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/01/2011 14:48

I don't see it that way at all, SS.

I see a woman in her mid-30s who wants another child because, well, she wants another child and loves having children.

If he's keen on it and they can work it out between them, more power to 'em, IMO.

eden263 · 23/01/2011 17:22

OP, I'm also single and quite happy that way. I feel no need at all for a 'life partner', and I don't feel at all lacking because I don't have a bf. I haven't 'been out' with anyone for 3 years now. I'm not gay, I still see men that I think are attractive, I just don't want or need a man to make me feel complete. That doesn't stop me wishing I, too, could have another child. Having one with my ex-husband or my daughter's father is not an option and I don't think the facelessness of sperm donation would be good for the child when older, so I don't have the choice. OP does, and has obviously thought things through, so yes, why not? Who would it be hurting? Both children would have parents who work together at parenting and are both supportive of them and supporting them (something that not all children in households where their parents live together enjoy, let's not forget), so what's the problem?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 24/01/2011 15:07

ImHungry - have you decided if you are going to talk to him about it or not. I think it's a lovely idea if he's keen too.

If you want to have a relationship later - one child or two really isn't going to make a difference and if you don't you'll still have your lovely family and your DS will have a sibling closer in age which is nice.

JBellingham · 24/01/2011 15:26

Will you expect him to pay maintenance for your new turkeytastic offspring?

StuffingGoldBrass · 24/01/2011 15:40

I assume that the most important reason the OP is considering having another child with her XP is that he has demonstrated good fathering and co-parenting qualities. WHich is why, as long as he's as keen on the idea s she is, it should work out just fine (though probably worth prioritizing a way to get more living space).

FWIW OP, I am in a co-parent relationship with DS' dad, though he is straight. He and I were old pals and not a couple when DS was concieved, we co-parent very amicably (quite probably because neither of us has any interest in pairbonding with anyone). We did discuss, in the past, having another DC. It's not going to happen now (I am 47) but we did consider it. I think it might well have worked out OK.

PeeringIntoTheWintryVoid · 24/01/2011 17:54

YANBU at all if he feels the same way. I don't understand why people would have a problem with this; you are involved and amicable co-parents for your existing child, so it is very likely that you will continue to be so for another child.

CheerfulYank · 24/01/2011 18:13

I think "turkeytastic offspring" is a bit Hmm IMO. If he wants another as well and is going to be an involved Dad, why wouldn't he pay maintenance?

I'm with peering and SGB, I really don't see a problem. A lot of people aren't doing the whole straight-mum-straight-dad-kids nuclear thing anymore, and so far the world hasn't ended.

Original poster
imhungry · 24/01/2011 21:37

Thanks for the supportive comments. I suppose the place to start is to talk to ex and go from there. I could well wait a bit and see how the space issue develops but at least if we've discussed it I'll know if its a possibility. Again thanks for the helpful comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
imhungry · 24/01/2011 22:02

And I agree, "Turkeytastic offspring" is a bit unnecessary.

OP posts:
SilkStalkings · 25/01/2011 15:47

Unnecessary but you'll have to get used to it, I'm afraid.

StuffingGoldBrass · 25/01/2011 16:33

Why would she have to get used to it? It's no one else's business how a functional happy family came about (and just because there is no romantic connection between the parents doesn't stop a family being functional and happy).

SilkStalkings · 25/01/2011 16:58

No it's not their businesss but she has to expect the odd insensitive reaction/ribbing from those who know the situation. Tis human nature to make light of the unusual.

RunawayFishWife · 25/01/2011 17:08

YANBU at all, I think all you can do is ask how he would feel about it.
I hope it works out well for you all

RunawayFishWife · 25/01/2011 17:11

I think it is a much better idea to consider asking him then to get a doner, and I also do not like many children by different daddies personally I find it a bit, well, grubby

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 25/01/2011 17:39

doner's are a bit grubby...prefer a nice kebab myself Wink

whoknowswhatthefutureholds · 25/01/2011 17:40

OP - go for it, well ask him, sounds like you ahavea better relationship than a lot of conventional relationships.

StealthPolarBroccoli · 25/01/2011 17:55

Agree with whoever said as long as it's a parenting choice for both of you, rather than him 'giving' you the baby you want iyswim

Also, unless he lives with you, at the times when you're heavily pregnant / coping wih a toddler and scremaing newborn, he;s likely to be getting on with his life, sleeping lots, possibly even going out and meeting someone new (as is his right). I'm not saying he won't help, but unless he lives with you, that is what it will be - 'help'. Will that be OK with you?

CheerfulYank · 25/01/2011 18:07

I don't find children by different fathers to be "grubby" certainly Hmm, but for purposes of medical records etc I think it's easier to have the same.

MrsPennySworth · 25/01/2011 18:12

I think go for it - as long as you do address the space issue (unless you honestly think that the lack of space is something you and your children could live with okay).

I don't think that at 35 you have plenty of time to have a baby with someone else anyway as it's not often people get together and decide to reproduce straight away! And besides, as you've said you're not looking for a relationship anyway.

If you have proved to each other that you are both happy and capable of co-parenting (which it sounds like you are), then I don't see any difference in you having 2 children instead of 1 together. The child would be loved and looked after well by both parents - something that cannot always be said about some children even in "conventional" families.

pickgo · 25/01/2011 18:25

runawayfishwife (sooo aptly named)
I find your comment a bit well.. grubby... not to mention narrow-minded and offensive.

NeedCoffee · 09/02/2011 12:41

I think it's something you need to speak to ex about. Personally I don't see a problem with it, I know someone who did similar so that her children didn't have the 'stigma' attached to having different fathers to siblings but I think your reasonings are more valid tha that tbh. If ex is willing then go for it. It is very hard on your own and whilst I wouldn't reccomend it, I wouldn't try to put you off either. Good luck and please let us know how you go :)

microserf · 09/02/2011 13:22

YANBU, i think it's a great idea if your ex is willing to be an involved dad, and now would be the time to do it. the space and other issues all sound capable of resolution in due course.

Westers · 09/02/2011 14:58

You sound like a thoughtful, sensible, loving parent. It sounds like you've already created a happy, loving environment for DS who has a father figure around, in spite of your split.

Many, many people in couples put less thought into bringing children into the world, because they don't have to. It has struck me strongly that those people who find it harder to conceive - due to infertility, being same sex couple or being single - tend to put much more thought into becoming a parent, because they really have to think about it and work it through.

If you can get over the practical obstacles, and it sounds like you can, I don't see any reason why you would provide less love and support than any other parent, so go for it.

Sorry, got a bit gushy there.

My SIL and her same sex partner are trying to conceive at the mo and I'm so moved by the efforts they are going to to have what has come so easily to DH and me I feel really strongly that parents of all sorts should be supported if they're doing the loving bit!