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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For considering having a DC2 with my exP?

127 replies

imhungry · 22/01/2011 20:38

Bit of a long one but bear with me. I split with exP after it became apparent that he may prefer boys to ladies IYSWIM! We have a DS who is 2.4yo. Obviously it was a deal breaker but we have stayed on very good terms and still have a good friendly relationship. He comes to see DS most days and we take him out and on holiday together. Nobody knows the real reason we split.

Before we split we both said we wanted another DC and I would still like to have another baby at some point. AIBU (or just insane) to consider asking him to have a 2nd DC with me?

I have thought about using an anonymous donor but am put off this by it meaning the younger DC wouldn't have a father around when DS would have his around and would be off doing stuff with him. I think it would be difficult for younger DC.

I'm very limited for space at home and as a result DS and I co sleep (its not just a space issue as we both enjoy it) but I know as he gets older he will need his own room etc. AIBU to think about having another one when I'm pushed for space?

I know what hard work having a baby is and have heard many people say its much harder going from one to two so would it be too difficult to manange on my own?

AIBU to think about having a 2nd DC on my own and/or asking my exP to be the father?

OP posts:
mutznutz · 22/01/2011 21:07

You are asking a lot of your ex partner to donate his sperm to you OP but you never know.

If he met a partner and settled down with him, would you be willing to donate your eggs to allow them to have a baby?

tuggy · 22/01/2011 21:08

And would you tell people who asked you (as they would) who the father is? And once they knew wouldn't they ask some probing questions, considering they don't know you split cos he was gay?

jinxediam · 22/01/2011 21:09

i'm with shineonecrazydiamond on this one. Where the hell are you going to put a baby and is it fair that your DS will be up all night with you from the newborn....crazy! Can you not find at least a 2 bed place to give yourselvs some space?

SilkStalkings · 22/01/2011 21:14

How old are you? Seems a bit like giving up to me, do you not believe there's a Mr Right out there for you? Do you not want to have his kids? Having another baby is kind of like writing yourself off and delaying getting on with your life somewhat. On a purely practical note, getting a babysitter/sleepover for one child is far easier when you only have the one. As a mum of 3 closely-aged kids speaking, I can say the more kids you have, the more guilt you have for not being able to spend so much time with each one. I would enjoy your DS, enjoy the relative freedom he gives you and start thinking about yourself as a person, not just a mum (assuming you're not pressed for time biologically).

jinxediam · 22/01/2011 21:14

Phewee. My DC's dad walked out on us when DS1 was a newborn and DS1 was under 2 years old. ...and even in a 3 bed house it was TOUGH going. Think carefully...my DS's dad 'supported' us but at the ened of the day it was me alone coping with the two. Very difficult times indeed and i would never recommend it Confused

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 22/01/2011 21:18

I think it's a fine idea. You can make the living room into a bedsit type room and have the bedroom for the DCs. Obviously only you know all the pros/cons, but based on what you have written I can't see a real big reason not too.

Original poster
imhungry · 22/01/2011 21:24

SilkStalkings, that is part of my concerns - me feeling guilty for having less time with DS as a result of having another one. I'm mid 30s.

OP posts:
fluffygal · 22/01/2011 21:25

It sounds ok, but you would have to find somewhere with more space, or get a sofabed in the living room and let DC's have the bedroom.

Also, would you expect ex to pay maintenance for the new one?

deardot · 22/01/2011 21:27

I would go for it I think but only if I was at an age and stage that it was my only option and I wasn't likely to meet someone else.

Original poster
imhungry · 22/01/2011 21:34

Hi fluffygal, I wouldn't 'expect' maintenance but think he would want to be involved so whether that includes financial involvement I don't know.

He could well tell me to naff off but I have a feeling he would like another DC.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/01/2011 21:34

If I were in your shoes I'd go for it if he's okay with it.

Before I met DH, I was in my early 30s and considering co-parenting with a gay man or couple.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 22/01/2011 21:38

imhungry - I think it's a lovely idea. I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain talking to him about it.

Avocadoes · 22/01/2011 21:46

I have a friend who did this. Her and her DP split up when her DD was 6 months. He stayed a very active and involved dad. She was very close to her own brother and hated the idea of her DD not having a sibling. Her ex agreed. They tried for number 2 and had a gorgeous DS. The dad is still very involved. This kids are close to both parents and it's lovely that the kids have each other as continuity whether they are staying with mum or dad etc.

So I see no problem with the main thrust of your plan. The space issue is seperate and for me would be a real problem. But we are all different and it is of course very possible and very common to raise several kids in a one bed flat.

meadowlarks · 22/01/2011 21:47

It seems there are some practical issues with space and parenting arrangements but if you think these can be worked out then I don't see any reason why you shouldn't suggest it to him. If you're on good terms and you believe he'd like another child then the foundations for a happy situation are all there. Good luck! Smile

SilkStalkings · 22/01/2011 21:58

You have plenty of time then! Just seems having another baby might be a distraction from moving on - like joining a nunnery because you feel like you're on the shelf/too shy to talk to blokes. Your split may have been amicable but I can't imagine a relationship like that did much for your self-confidence over the years. Get out and get a life (I mean that in the nicest possible way.) You need to think about who you want to be, work on Brand Imhungry.
Visualise your self in 10yrs time with your lovely older son, a super straight DP and a small child or two - it could happen, don't quit yet.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 22/01/2011 22:01

I think given your age and situation you should ask him. As for the space issue I think you should try and look for a two bed place if you get pregnant but I don't see that as a huge issue. Ask him - he can only say no.

Louplet · 22/01/2011 22:06

If he is positive about the idea and prepared to be a supportive co-parent to DC2 AND you can address the space issue, I think it sounds like a good plan.

I really think you need to address the space issue before you start TTC though. No space, plus young DS plus newborn sounds pretty hellish as a potential combination. You NEED 2 bedrooms minimum for your own sanity - one for you plus baby and one for DS (and for DCs to share when older). You will also need to address co-sleeping well before and DC2 arrives or you are storing up huge jealousy issues for DS with DC2.

Is there any chance you and ex P could live together and co-parent at least while the DCs are young? Maybe you could afford something bigger together. Or is that too weird? Only you and he know if this would have the potential to work or not.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2011 22:07

'You have plenty of time then!'

That's really not a given in one's mid-30s.

We conceived easily then, but I was definitely more tired than I was when I was younger.

That's not true for everyone, true, but it's really not a given that there's 'plenty of time'.

I think it's well-worth approaching him, perhaps showing him this thread.

He might be willing to help you upgrade to a 2-bed or you could work out a way to co-parent in a larger space.

It's a decision the two of you need to work through together, but it's well worth approaching him as all he can do is say 'no.'

Original poster
imhungry · 22/01/2011 22:15

Hi Louplet, we get on much better living apart. We get on as co parents but living together is pushing it!

DS is clingy with me, which is fine whilst there is just me and him but like you say if there was another DC it would be a different matter. I love mine and DS's relationship and am worried having another one would impact on it. But, I don't want to get to an age and regret not having another one. Life's choices are difficult sometimes!

OP posts:
cantspel · 22/01/2011 22:22

Fine as long as you can bring them up without needing the state to chip in any extra cash to surport your lifestyle choice.

Original poster
imhungry · 22/01/2011 22:27

Cantspel, what do you mean my lifestyle choice? I work to support my son as does his father.

OP posts:
cantspel · 22/01/2011 22:37

Good as long as you are working to support them have as many children as you like.

anonnyme · 22/01/2011 22:44

I think it would definitly be worth discussing it with your ex anyway - you don't have anything to lose & poss a lot to gain Smile

eden263 · 22/01/2011 22:55

Go for it! Bollocks to 'normal' and convention! :)

Hatesponge · 22/01/2011 23:05

I think that you will be v tight for space, BUT if that doesn't bother you (I know some people don't mind having not much room, but it would really annoy me...even when I co-slept with DS1, he still had his own room with all his 'stuff' in!) and your Exp is ok with it all, then I think it could work really well.

I definitely don't think it's worth dismissing it simply because you MIGHT meet someone else in the future and might have kids with them (as some on this thread have suggested) - no-one can predict that with any certainty. If you definitely want a DC2, far better the certainty of one with Exp now than the vague possibility in the future. What if in a couple of years you meet a wonderful man but he's infertile? Or you don't meet the right man for another 5-10 years and feel its too late/too big a gap between DCs? There's no guarantees how quickly you will meet someone new - I speak as someone who has been single for over 3 years since splitting with Ex, and whilst I did really want a 3rd DC, that is looking increasingly unlikely.

So speak to Exp, and take it from there :)