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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For considering having a DC2 with my exP?

127 replies

imhungry · 22/01/2011 20:38

Bit of a long one but bear with me. I split with exP after it became apparent that he may prefer boys to ladies IYSWIM! We have a DS who is 2.4yo. Obviously it was a deal breaker but we have stayed on very good terms and still have a good friendly relationship. He comes to see DS most days and we take him out and on holiday together. Nobody knows the real reason we split.

Before we split we both said we wanted another DC and I would still like to have another baby at some point. AIBU (or just insane) to consider asking him to have a 2nd DC with me?

I have thought about using an anonymous donor but am put off this by it meaning the younger DC wouldn't have a father around when DS would have his around and would be off doing stuff with him. I think it would be difficult for younger DC.

I'm very limited for space at home and as a result DS and I co sleep (its not just a space issue as we both enjoy it) but I know as he gets older he will need his own room etc. AIBU to think about having another one when I'm pushed for space?

I know what hard work having a baby is and have heard many people say its much harder going from one to two so would it be too difficult to manange on my own?

AIBU to think about having a 2nd DC on my own and/or asking my exP to be the father?

OP posts:
CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 09:36

I don't think anybody is saying you can't find fulfillment without a man. But having a life partner - someone to share your life with, someone to love and support you - IS a lovely thing, and personally, I wouldn't throw in the towel at this early stage.

I don't think the OP is wrong to want another child with her ex, but I do think she should really, really think through her motivations.

There is also the matter of what her ex DP wants/thinks.

spidookly · 23/01/2011 09:46

Having another child is hardly "throwing in the towel", is it?

If the OP ever meets someone she wants to marry that option will still be available.

As for selfish?

Every decision to procreate is a selfish one. Or did you think you were doing the world a favour by passing on your genes?

CheerfulYank · 23/01/2011 09:49

Well, I did spidookly, but then again I am genetic perfection. Wink

You're right, it bothers me when people say things like "why do you need another child?" I mean, who really needs a child? People have them for all sorts of reasons, and I don't think the OP is being nearly as unreasonable as, say, the Octomom.

LadyTremaine · 23/01/2011 09:51

op do you still love him?

GMajor7 · 23/01/2011 09:54

I mean selfish in respect of not considering the needs of the children Spidookly.

Am surprised how many of you think this is a good idea.

BooBooGlass · 23/01/2011 09:54

bubblewrapped, you would never know about most families that co sleep as they don't go on about it. Both my dc have their own rooms and my dd still comes in with me at the age of 6 on occasion.
And fabbychic, your first comment was just staggeringly ignorant.

Foreverondiet · 23/01/2011 09:54

I think it might be R under some situations:

a) you had enough space for 2 DC (which you don't currently have. Co-sleeping with 2 YO is ok, but eventually will need own room.

b) you have totally ruled out finding a new partner,... TBH I don't really understand why you'd even consider this for one minute unless either you were also gay (so needed sperm donor etc) or if you were almost 40 (so time was running out)...

I think that a new baby is going to make it harder to find new partner, someone prepared to take on 2 children not 2, not to mention more years of co-sleeping with a baby.

I totally agree with poster who said that this is a diversion to give OP excuse for not moving on.

Georgimama · 23/01/2011 10:00

So I have learned from this thread that life's mission for a woman should be finding Mr Right, but that if you haven't by 40 your life is over.

MN is so educational.

CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 10:06

It is highly unlikely she is going to be having a rip-roaring love life with another baby on the way and the stresses of dealing with two kids on her own in a tiny flat. Let's be realistic, here, if nothing else.

I also agree with the poster who suggested 'diversion so doesn't have to move on'...

Has your ex moved on, OP? Is he dating? looking for his Mr Right?

CheerfulYank · 23/01/2011 10:08

So it's going to be harder to find a life partner with one DC than two? Confused

CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 10:09

her life's mission should be whatever makes her and her kids happy, long term.

I don't know what the answer to that is, but before she decides that giving up on a life partner/love for a turkey baster-pregnancy with her gay (possibly in the closet) ex while living in a teeny flat is it, she obviously - very sensibly - wanted to canvass opinion and consider all her options.

CheerfulYank · 23/01/2011 10:09

I mean, two DC's than one. Apols.

CheerfulYank · 23/01/2011 10:11

Why is having another child "giving up on finding a life partner"?! I don't understand. Perhaps I need a nap or something, but I really don't understand.

CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 10:11

I think it probably is be a bit harder, CY. The more kids you have, the more responsbilities, the less time to give to another.

ScarlettWalking · 23/01/2011 10:17

I think it sounds like a dreadful idea sorry. You don't have enough space for your current DS to have his own room? How will you manage? On your own, sorry this is just Confused on so many levels for me. It wouldn't exactly be a joyful life would it?

ScroobiousPip · 23/01/2011 10:21

OP - if you genuinely think you'll cope, go for it. Lots of issues and questions to be considered (eg pressure on you from family to reunite with your partner) but nothing you can't work out.

Re co-sleeping, do people genuinely think it's 'odd' and the cause of 'marital strife'? Really? When it's what human beings have done since time began, and still do in much of the rest of the world today? Obviously the divorce rates in the UK are sooooo much better in than in co-sleeping countries. And in the OPs case, her ex-P's sexuality had nothing to do with it, oh no. Hmm

CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 10:22

On its own, it isn't@CY.

But she has given up. She says she is not interested in finding someone else. That + 'considering having baby with ex-DP' seems to me to = given up.

And I do think that's sad. I am a feminist, I don't think a man is the be all and end all for a woman, but I do think she deserves a bit more than settling for the sort of measures most people only resort to because they absolutely have to (infertility, being gay etc).

She asked for opinions. That is mine.

CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 10:24

No strong feelings about co-sleeping, really. I never did it for a variety of reasons. I think parents should do what works for them and their babies, and if co-sleeping fits the bill, go for it.

miniwedge · 23/01/2011 10:39

Awful idea.

My dsd's mum had 4 children in a two bed. The two school age children were constantly knackered and did not do well at all at school because the baby kept them awake each night not to mention the early starts with a hungry baby.

The thing is, babies are lovely but they get colic, they teethe, they get growth spurts etc etc. In short, a baby is usually pretty disruptive, it's not all snuggly cuddles and adoring gazes.

If you really want a baby then sort out the space issues first. Its absolutely not fair on your son to have another at this stage.

kslatts · 23/01/2011 10:41

I think you need to find out how your exP feels about having another child together and as long as he is supportive then don't see any real issues.

The space would worry me, so if it was me I'd want to a solution to that before TTC, moving to a bigger property in a cheaper area could be one option. Or setting up your bed in the living room for a while now to see how practical that would be.

westerngirl · 23/01/2011 10:47

I think the sleeping arrangements would be very tough for a couple of years and lack of/disturbed sleep can sap everything out of you.

However, if you were going to give your first child his own room anyway, what's wrong with bunk beds!

Also, if you want another child, and the dad is caring, responsible and civilised, that's maybe more than lots of conventional family units have.

Only you can know if you can cope with what may be ahead. I don't know if I will be able to add another child to my family (am the wrong side of 40). This makes me sad for my son. However, I have lots of siblings, but only one I really keep in contact with.

Foreverondiet · 23/01/2011 10:53

The 40 was because if the OP wants another baby and was around 40 maybe better with XP than waiting for Mr Right.

OP, another thought I had was that your XP is likely to be just as open to this in 5 years time, so why not try and upgrade to bigger place, try dating and meeting new people and if in 3-4 years time you still feel the same way, esp once your XP had a new partner, then go for it.

westerngirl · 23/01/2011 11:04

I absolutely agree with you Foreverondiet about fertility watershed. If I was mid-thirties, I'd get some eggs frozen for the future so I'd have choices. Age gaps and feeling more worn out 'cos age might be a factor as well though.

SilkStalkings · 23/01/2011 12:55

I was not casting aspersions at single mothers or saying every woman needs a man,. I was asking the OP to respond because I don't know her - she may well be v self-aware but so many women get pg for reasons they don't even admit to themselves until later. When you've been in a relationship where your partner is living a lie, you might well be vulnerable and have a skewed self-image / self-esteem.

Also what are your plans re school for your DS? Will you continue to work f/t or do you want to go p/t to do the schoolrun? Factor in another child and you are tied down with childcare costs/time constraints even longer.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2011 13:51

'It is highly unlikely she is going to be having a rip-roaring love life with another baby on the way and the stresses of dealing with two kids on her own in a tiny flat. Let's be realistic, here, if nothing else.

I also agree with the poster who suggested 'diversion so doesn't have to move on'...

Has your ex moved on, OP? Is he dating? looking for his Mr Right?'

Believe it or not, some people are very happy being single, forever, don't care to date and don't want a 'life partner'.

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