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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For considering having a DC2 with my exP?

127 replies

imhungry · 22/01/2011 20:38

Bit of a long one but bear with me. I split with exP after it became apparent that he may prefer boys to ladies IYSWIM! We have a DS who is 2.4yo. Obviously it was a deal breaker but we have stayed on very good terms and still have a good friendly relationship. He comes to see DS most days and we take him out and on holiday together. Nobody knows the real reason we split.

Before we split we both said we wanted another DC and I would still like to have another baby at some point. AIBU (or just insane) to consider asking him to have a 2nd DC with me?

I have thought about using an anonymous donor but am put off this by it meaning the younger DC wouldn't have a father around when DS would have his around and would be off doing stuff with him. I think it would be difficult for younger DC.

I'm very limited for space at home and as a result DS and I co sleep (its not just a space issue as we both enjoy it) but I know as he gets older he will need his own room etc. AIBU to think about having another one when I'm pushed for space?

I know what hard work having a baby is and have heard many people say its much harder going from one to two so would it be too difficult to manange on my own?

AIBU to think about having a 2nd DC on my own and/or asking my exP to be the father?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 22/01/2011 23:16

isnt about only about getting up duff.
are you solvent?
will dh legally put name on birth cert
will he pay maintenance or spunk & go
can you adequately provide as lone parent
what will you tell people/family when you pg by ex-p again

weedle · 22/01/2011 23:43

I nearly choked on an M&M at spunk and go!

mutznutz · 22/01/2011 23:51

Me too...I'm going to have to be careful in my choice of shampoo from now on (note to self..read label carefully) Grin

bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 23:58

Is it just me that thinks a child should be in its own bed, and not permanently sleeping with its mother every night.

Ria28 · 23/01/2011 00:11

I'd say definitely talk to your ex about it - worst case he says no and you carry on as normal. Of course you need to consider money/space/ds, but you'd have to think about that if you were in a relationship too. Your xp sounds very involved with your ds, so hopefully he'd be just as good with a dc2.

BALD · 23/01/2011 00:21

bubblewrapped lots of families co sleep

what are your concerns please?

Rachyrachrach · 23/01/2011 00:23

Bubblewrapped - why?

bubblewrapped · 23/01/2011 00:34

I dunno, but I just think a child of 2 should have its own bedroom, and its own bed.

This co-sleeping thing is all very alien to me. I dont know anyone who does it. Everyone I know has a bed for their child that the child sleeps in unless they are unwell perhaps and then on odd occasions they might sleep with the parents, but other than that, they sleep in their own beds at night.

Rachyrachrach · 23/01/2011 00:47

I coslept with both my DC. When they were born I didn't have any set idea of what age they would move into their own rooms. At around 2ish they had their own bed/room but would still share with me, they spent some nights/part nights on their own and some with me. As it turned out they moved out of the shared bed so gradually none of us really noticed it had happened for a few days!

Someone up the thread mentioned potential jealousy issues if DS1 was still co-sleeping when the new baby was born. I was a single mum when DS2 was born. DS1 was 3 and still partially co-sleeping. There were no jealousy issues as DS1 wasn't booted out of bed for the new baby - the joy of going it alone is that there's room for all of you!

Original poster
imhungry · 23/01/2011 07:33

DS does have his own bed in my room so usually starts off in his bed and then comes in to mine later. I know he'll need his own room eventually so have always intended me going in to the living room and giving him the bedroom. I don't think he needs his own room yet though so at the moment we're both enjoying the feeling of closeness that co sleeping gives us. I'll actually miss sharing with him when he does get too big. Thanks for all your comments.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 23/01/2011 07:40

I would lay bets that co-sleeping is the cause of many a marital problem. I am always astounded at the number of posts I have seen on here suggesting husbands are bansihed to spare rooms or matresses on teh floor so a child can take their place in the bed.

thumbdabwitch · 23/01/2011 07:43

I think, if your ex is happy to do it (and since he said he would like another child the chances are reasonable) that you should do it.

If he's paying maintenance for DS1 then I guess that he would pay for another too, so that would help - and hopefully you can get a bigger place soon.

Although there's a lot of emphasis on DC having their own space now, it's not that long ago that people had several children in 2 up, 2 down type houses and they managed!

I hope you can have a chat with your ex and get the answer you want - but I'd say do it if he's agreeable and willing to help.

spidookly · 23/01/2011 08:05

I think it's a nice idea, but not with your ex as a sperm donor, only as a co-parent.

This means whatever he does for one, he must do for both (including maintenance).

If there is any sense if him doing you a favour rather than you both deciding to have another child together, I would say no. That would not be fair on DC2.

What are your middle-term plans for sorting out the space?

spidookly · 23/01/2011 08:07

amoth

co-sleeping is big in the older generation in my family. From what I've seen, you are right.

CheerfulYank · 23/01/2011 08:14

I say go for it, but I'd look at getting a bit more space if possible. I'd do it! But then again, I'm quite mad and given to impulsive decisions. :o

elinorbellowed · 23/01/2011 08:16

I'm quite surprised at these responses. I think it's a terrible idea. Why do you need another child? Of course many children are raised with one parent and are happy and well adjusted. And many men are arseholes whose children are better off without them. But to go out of your way to create that situation seems insane. How would your ex feel having another child that he couldn't see every day and kiss good night every night? You are reducing his importance.
I think it is better to have two children with different fathers than any child with a man you don't love. Especially when you don't have the space.

Georgimama · 23/01/2011 08:18

I think it sounds absolutely fine if you are going to continue to co-parent both children as you do the first one, except for the space issue, which needs addressing. And I agree with whoever said he should have an HIV test. In fact to reassure you both you should both have STI check ups before you go ahead.

Unless there is any tiny shred of a risk you are still a bit in love with him and hope he will come and play happy families.

spidookly · 23/01/2011 08:20

The child won't have one parent though, it will have two, just like her son does.

And she does love this man, just not as her sexual partner.

conniedescending · 23/01/2011 08:40

I think issues of space can usually be sorted or developed as time goes on

if ex was willing to be co-parent as he is to first child then I think you should go for it but talk carefully about involvement, finances, birth cert, visitation etc before proceeding

and I do actually think if there's a possibility of having the same father for the children then that should be the preffered option

SilkStalkings · 23/01/2011 09:10

Still no response to my suggestion that wanting another baby might be an escape from moving on with real life... the drama, the attention, the excuse not to get out and not think about one's self for a few years can be v attractive when you're lonely, feeling let down, not liking your job etc.

Georgimama · 23/01/2011 09:17

Is there any actual suggestion the OP is down and doesn't like her job? Just because she considers a new relationship with another man "too much hassle" doesn't mean she's in a trough of depression. Some women really don't want another relationship when theirs breaks up. My mother didn't. She had a full and happy life but no desire in shacking up with another bloke. It's not that unusual and not every woman's life's mission is finding "Mr Right".

CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 09:21

It sounds a bit sad, really.

Why don't you want to move on, meet someone new, have the chance at a loving relationship with another man, someone who could perhaps give you another child and stick around to make a family with you?

It's great that your ex is still a committed father, but it does sound like there are issues there, too. Nobody knows why you split up? Why not? Is he still in the closet? It sounds like he may have bigger issues to tackle than fathering another child with a woman he isn't in - and could never be in - a relationship with.

And the space issue, while not a dealbreaker, is concerning.

GMajor7 · 23/01/2011 09:23

YABU and a wee bit selfish IMO.

CheerfulYank · 23/01/2011 09:26

Well, even if you did find "Mr. Right", why wouldn't he want you and your children?

I remember reading this article and thinking that the family was lovely and quite beautiful. I have a "traditional" family myself, but I know a gay couple I'd co-parent with in a heartbeat if I'd never met DH.

conniedescending · 23/01/2011 09:26

I dont think it sounds sad at all

if I separated from my DH I don't think would want another relationship ever....................

you can find fulfillment without a man