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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my dp's mum should just butt out?

104 replies

rougelapin · 15/01/2011 23:44

Had another delightful invasion from the in-laws today. Dp's mum ended the visit by telling me how wrong I was not to get ds (14 months) vaccinated. We've been through this many a time, just wish she'd respect and accept our decision. Am I right in thinking this is none of her bloody business?

OP posts:

poshsinglemum · 16/01/2011 08:09

Sorry but I don't blame her for butting in. I'd feel worried if my grandchildren weren't vaccinated but I suppose she has to respect your wishes. I have read the ''evidence'' stating that kids shouldn't be vaccinated and I'm not convinced at all.

Mabe try repeating that you have made up your mind politely and firmly.

poshsinglemum · 16/01/2011 08:17

Sorry op- I do think that your parenting decisions are your own and she shouldn't but in - I would be annoyed about the anti co-sleeping/bf stance.

TyraG · 16/01/2011 08:29

Okay I totally misread the OP I thought the MIL didn't want them vaccinated.

I still think that if she's made her opinion known she should leave it after that.

Shakirasma · 16/01/2011 08:45

I know people are funny about MMR, but am I understanding correctly that some people don't take their babies for their triples?

If so then I am gobsmacked. These protect against evil diseases and as result of routine immunisation they have almost been irradiated in this country.

Maybe it's because we don't hear of them anymore that people are unaware of just how nasty they are, because they have never seen them.

My mums cousinn spent his whole life disabled after contracting polio as a child, and another great aunt lost her daughter to diphtheria! These jabs save lives and it is common sense that without a very large uptake of the vaccines these devastating diseases will begin to thrive.

We are all capable of having bad reactions to things, but I have no doubt that there is less risk of a baby reacting to a vaccine than there is of an unimmunised child or adult dying in a diphtheria epidemic.

If any of my grandkids were not immunizd then I would be worried sick and would bang on about it as much as I wanted.

pommedeterre · 16/01/2011 08:46

I agree on taking advice from MILs and mums in this generation. We'd all be going against guidleines/studies and have them sleeping on their front/ff from day one/rusks at 6 weeks etc etc.
In the majority of course it would seem. maybe some people are lucky to have enlightened ones .

Pompoko · 16/01/2011 09:11

Out of curiosity, why dont people vaccinate?

Im not trying to be odd but really am interested in why.

AllHailDaddyPig · 16/01/2011 09:39

I'm sorry but in this instance I think that your MIL has every right to voice her opinion.

Yes of course, you are his mother, ultimately you make the decisions, but you are not the only person interested in his welfare, you are not the only person who wants the best for him. And your MIL believes you to be putting him in danger, and for what its worth I agree with her. If you are going to make such a controversial decision, then you have to be strong enough to deal with the fact that people won't agree with you. And it won't just be your family, it will be parents of other children. People are allowed to be concerned about your childs welfare. And also, you should remember that it's thanks to so many other people having their children vaccinated, that you feel safe making this silly choice.

aurynne · 16/01/2011 10:00

I hope she is also strong to cope with her responsibility in case her child dies of one of the many diseases vaccination protects against.

fel1x · 16/01/2011 10:02

I think in most cases its fair to say she should butt out and accept your decision BUT in this instance where you have made a decision that the majority of other people think is unsafe and detrimental to the health of your child then you need to give her a bit of leeway tbh.
Explain your decision and if she is still worried then you'll just have to agree to differ in your opinions! Yes, it may be annoying for her to disagree but she is only concerned at the end of the day.

humanheart · 16/01/2011 10:23

she may not be putting her views across very well OP, but she's probably finding it hard to sleep at night for worrying about your ds.

also, there are SO many people who would dearly love to have relatives (inc g'parents) involved in their children's lives, but don't. you're lucky you've got them tbh even if they/she can be a bit irritating sometimes.

she obviously did a good job with your oh LOL

ENormaSnob · 16/01/2011 10:25

What aurynne and larry said.

Vallhala · 16/01/2011 10:56

YANBU. Your choices are not your MILs business and you're far more tolerant than I would be. I would have answered politely once. Any more than that would have been met with a firm remark to the effect that the subject is not open to discussion and I am not answerable to her or anyone else. If she asked after that she'd be told to go away.

(Disclaimer: I'm very intolerant of those who try to tell me what I should do).

Aurynne, if my MIL (or anyone else) took the unvaccinated children of this unvaccinated mother to a nurse to be innoculated they would be needing far more than that nurse afterwards and that's a promise. If I thought for a moment that they would even consider it they wouldn't be allowed within a mile of my DC, mother-in-law or not.

AllHailDaddyPig · 16/01/2011 11:04

But Vallhala it is the business of other family members if she is putting her DS in potential danger. The poor child has no choice in the matter, so I firmly believe others should voice their opinions if it talks some sense into her! Her decision is one that will upset a lot of people, she needs to learn how to deal with that.

ChippingIn · 16/01/2011 11:13

This is not a debate on vaccinations

Rougelapin - YANBU she has had her say, the decision is yours. Simply tell her that you are not going to discuss it again. We have listened to your opinion, but we have our own as well, WE have made our decision and I am not discussing this again.

The rest of it is really 'Would you like another biscuit'...

'Co-sleeping, you are making a rod for your own back' - 'Yes, so you have said - would you like another biscuit'

'Breastfeeding at this age, I never did' - 'Yes, so you have said - would you like another biscuit'.

'You are mad carrying him on your back' - 'Yes, so you have said - would you like another biscuit'.

Good luck.

larrygrylls · 16/01/2011 11:17

The point is that it is not an individual decision to make. Maybe, if your healthy 7 year old gets measles, it is not a big deal. However, if he/she then passes it on to a vulnerable new born, that baby could be in real trouble.

I think people who do not vaccinate have a serious lack of knowledge about the invasive and risky therapies that may be needed to treat a child seriously ill with an infectious disease (or complication thereof).

mamadiva · 16/01/2011 11:18

YANBU- your child, your choice.

At the end of the day if you hae made an informed decision, regardless what it is noone can doubt you or bully you into chnaging your mind. Now if you had said 'no I am not having X vaccinated because I read in The Sun that it will give him 2 heads' I would hae something to say :o

Daddypig can I ask would you hae the same stance if she was for accines and MIL was completely against? or would that be alright because it backs your argument/

larrygrylls · 16/01/2011 11:19

"This is not a debate on vaccinations"

It is a debate on whether it is fair to leave your child unvaccinated and put them and others at risk. If it is unfair, a concerned mother in law has every right to say so.

mamadiva · 16/01/2011 11:21

Sorry I kind of turned it into a vac/no vac debate there but you see what I mean.

Original poster

rougelapin · 16/01/2011 11:23

I really didn't want this to turn into a thread about vaccinations. I appreciate that the op does talk about them, but was hoping that I would get some advice on how to deal with mil. Thank you for the advice offered.

Dear Lord, child abuse?

I have many many reasons not to vaccinate, including the fact that 2 of my immediate family members are vaccine damaged. Watching what they have had to go through has been awful. It is my opinion that it would be irresponsible for me to vaccinate my son. End of.

This thread was about my mil respecting my views.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 16/01/2011 11:29

Allhail, it can be argued that to vaccinate would put the child at risk, which is why some of us don't. There is no law against that in this country. My stance on vaccs is clear, both on MN and in RL. What you do with your DC is your business but what I or the OP do with ours remains our own.

The MIL has said her piece, Larry. What she has no right to do is to continue to bully or impose her views on her DIL. We each make choices for our own DC. Mine, for example, are lifelong vegetarians. Although this is for animal welfare reasons, current research indicates that a reduction in meat eating and increase in the consumption of certain vegetables lowers the risk of cancer. So I am actively doing something I need not legally do and others would disapprove of but which imho and that of some but not all medical reports is beneficial.

If your children are not vegetarian, may I lecture you about the risk you are putting them at with your serious lack of knowledge?

mamadiva · 16/01/2011 11:41

Rouge- I would assume that your MIL knows about the effects vacs hae had on your family members?

If so then explain to her that whilst you understand she is worried it is an all too real risk that you would rather not take as you have seen what it can do to a person.

If she keeps bringing it up just tell her that you hae spoken and explained your reasons about the subject therefore you hae made it clear and will not be discussing it again.

Then just ignore it I think, just change the subject and get your DH to go through it again... if she's anything like my DP's mum it willl be hunky-dory because it came from his mouth, not mine :o

diddl · 16/01/2011 11:49

"This thread was about my mil respecting my views."

Well, she doesn´t have to, does she?

And once she has said so, then she should leave it.

Unfortunately like others, she probably thinks that not vaccinating is putting your child at risk & she is worried about her grandchild.

Original poster

rougelapin · 16/01/2011 11:51

Good advice mamadiva, thank you. She does know, but maybe I need to explain it to her further. Apparently it's not enough for her. With all due respect she's not the one who has researched, spoken to people in the field, both medical and holistic. All she is going on is the fact that it's the 'done' thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

rougelapin · 16/01/2011 11:57

Valhalla we too are vegetarian (my son and I, not dp). Mil of course disagrees with that too. Have a feeling that she'll be trying to sneak meat into ds when I'm not looking, the same as when she fed him ice cream at 7 months. What I am trying to say is that she has an "I know best" attitude, and every choice I have made has been poo pooed by her.

OP posts:

LookToWindward · 16/01/2011 11:57

"This thread was about my mil respecting my views."

I think the key thing is that your "views" are moronic.

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