Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call DSD my bonus daughter and me her bonus mum?

97 replies

cobbledtogether · 12/01/2011 20:31

I have a lovely DSD and two lovely DCs of my own. She has a great relationship with her with her Mum, stepdad, Dad and me and I consider myself very fortunate to have had her in my life for the last 10 years.

Like any relationship in an extended and blended family, things are not always plain sailing, but I think both of our lives have been richer for it. Me for having such a clever and beautiful extra child in my family and her for having an extra stable home with her Dad and siblings who look up to her.

I know its a thread about a thread, but I've been told tonight that its an insult to real mums for me to refer to myself as a bonus mum. I was also told to go and post on AIBU to find out how insulted everyone would be.

So here I am. Flame me if you want.

Am I being unreasonable to refer to myself as a bonus mum and her as my bonus daughter?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 12/01/2011 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 20:33

She is your step-daughter, you are her step-mother.

Lovely flowery names just confuses people really. And there are enough silly acronyms on here already too.

I think it sounds sickly sweet and twee, and I am a stepmother.

taintedpaint · 12/01/2011 20:34

I happen to think it's quite a sweet way of referring to each other, and if you have a good relationship with your DSD's mother, I don't see there being a problem in the future either!

YANBU.

stoppinchingthedummy · 12/01/2011 20:35

No i dont think yabu i think its lovely for her to have a bonus mum and you to obviously care and love her - its lovely that you dont seem to make differences between your own dc and dsd If only all step mums were this lovely and not dragons like all mine have been

pranma · 12/01/2011 20:35

yanbu-any desirable addition is a bonus-I am a stepmum to 3 myself

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/01/2011 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrequentNutter · 12/01/2011 20:36

It's been ten years of course you are in a position to call yourself her step mother. Albeit I would never liked to be called one myself.

Rhinestone · 12/01/2011 20:36

I think it sounds lovely!

Truckulente · 12/01/2011 20:37

Does it matter?

A1980 · 12/01/2011 20:37

It's a bit daft. As someone has already said, are you actually proposing to call each other these names?

Bonsoir · 12/01/2011 20:37

I think you need to tread very carefully here. I am always make it very clear to everyone that my DSSs are my stepsons and I am their stepmother and I never tread on their mother's toes or do anything for them that she would prefer to do herself (or that they would prefer her to do for them).

However much you enjoy the company of your stepchildren, they are not your DCs. Do not take any decisions about how you treat them without first ensuring they and their biological parents are happy with those decisions.

Original poster
cobbledtogether · 12/01/2011 20:38

To clarify, she calls generally calls me by my first name and I call her by hers.

There's the odd moment, of "come here bonus daughter" in a nice way. In the same way that I would call my DS 'monkey' IYSWIM.

No, we don't say "Hello Bonus daughter how lovely to see you". That would be a little weird.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 12/01/2011 20:38

I can't see anything wrong with DSD tbh

SoupDragon · 12/01/2011 20:38

I think its a hideous phrase.

whostolemyname · 12/01/2011 20:39

I think its nice actually and not sure why anyone wouldnt? Where is original thread?

Original poster
cobbledtogether · 12/01/2011 20:40

Bonsoir - I have no desire to be her Mum. Her Mum is her mum.

I actually get on well with her Mum. She's a very sound individual and I think she's just pleased that her ex got together with someone who treats her daughter well.

OP posts:
Original poster
cobbledtogether · 12/01/2011 20:42

SoupDragon, can I ask if you mean hideous as twee and nauseating or hideous as insulting? - genuine question.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 12/01/2011 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScotlandR · 12/01/2011 20:43

YANBU, it's actually a very sweet idea. How could it be offensive to say "I get one lovely mum, and one lovely bonus mum!"

My own Step Dad insisted on being called Daddy from the day after he married my mum Hmm (this is despite me having a good relationship with my own father)

Never liked him, he and my mum divorced four years later.

SoupDragon · 12/01/2011 20:43

whostolemyname "I think its nice actually and not sure why anyone wouldnt?"

Really? You can't work out why some people may find that offensive?

Pesha · 12/01/2011 20:43

Hmm, tricky one. Depends on your interpretation of bonus I think.

Nothing wrong with bonus daughter I don't think. On the other hand when I first read bonus mum it kind of implied that original mum isn't quite up to scratch but luckily she has a bonus mum to compensate for birth mum's failings. However the more I think about the word 'bonus' and how its used the more I think its not a problem. Its like an added extra isn't it, birth mum is wonderful and bonus mum is just a little added extra on the top, not a necessary one but nice to have none the less. I can see why people might take offence though.

Dd's dad and I are seperated and I think dd's step mum is lovely and much prefer her to xp (can't understand why shes with him TBH, she could do so much better!), when he came back into dd's life a few years ago I felt much happier letting dd stay with xp knowing that his wife was going to be there too. If they hadn't all buggered off to kuwait 2 years ago I'd have no problem in her calling herself a bonus mum I don't think.

chitchatinsantasear · 12/01/2011 20:44

I think it's lovely! As you say, she usually calls you by your name, but you are a mother like figure to her (stressing the 'like'!) and it's nice that both you and she see each other as a bonus, and not something to be endured!!!

Takeresponsibility · 12/01/2011 20:45

When a marriage breaks down one person is often a lot further along the greiving/healing process than the other because they have been thinking through the decision to break up their marriage for months if not years. To the other person the break up is fresh and often comes as a shock even if they know their marriage is not perfect.

If the "healed" person moves on to a new relationship before their ex has caught up emotionally they often feel the new partner has "replaced" them. If they are a parent they often worry that the new partner will be placed into their childrens lives as a replacement for them.

This is why so many Mums or Dads are insulted or anxious by a step-parent calling themselves "Mum" or "Dad" or wanting the kids to call them that.

In your case you have built up a relationship with your step daughter for ten years, she has a good relationship with her own mother and no-one in the family feels anxious about your role overlapping theirs.

If you were a girlfriend of five minutes standing then back off but in your case good luck to you and well done for having such an accepting and mature outlook.

Original poster
cobbledtogether · 12/01/2011 20:45

Pesha - thats the way its meant. She has her Mum and Dad, so anything else is a bonus.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 12/01/2011 20:46

Very twee lol

Swipe left for the next trending thread