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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to call DSD my bonus daughter and me her bonus mum?

97 replies

cobbledtogether · 12/01/2011 20:31

I have a lovely DSD and two lovely DCs of my own. She has a great relationship with her with her Mum, stepdad, Dad and me and I consider myself very fortunate to have had her in my life for the last 10 years.

Like any relationship in an extended and blended family, things are not always plain sailing, but I think both of our lives have been richer for it. Me for having such a clever and beautiful extra child in my family and her for having an extra stable home with her Dad and siblings who look up to her.

I know its a thread about a thread, but I've been told tonight that its an insult to real mums for me to refer to myself as a bonus mum. I was also told to go and post on AIBU to find out how insulted everyone would be.

So here I am. Flame me if you want.

Am I being unreasonable to refer to myself as a bonus mum and her as my bonus daughter?

OP posts:

ScotlandR · 12/01/2011 20:46

Also, it depends on whether you are a family for nicknames.

I regularly address my DP and DD by their full names in a playful way, and call my mum "oh mother of mine". As in "oh mother of mine, would you be so kind as to pass me something heavy to throw at DP, who is being so unreasonable by refusing to make me some tea".

But I use endearments a lot.

PrettyCandles · 12/01/2011 20:47

No idea about the original thread, but as a 'real' mum, myself, I have absolutely no issues with you calling yourself a bonus mum. Nor would I even if you had no dc of your own. The fact is that you have been and still are mothering this child, therefore of course you are a form of mother. Stepmothering is probably just as hard as birth-mothering. If the relationship is reciprocated, and the titles feel good to your dsd as well, then they are justified.

I don know anything about you and your situation, hut I can imagine that 'bonus mum' may make your dsd feel less 'disloyal' to her mum for feeling affection and daughter-like towards you.

I call my aunt (mum's sister) my second mother. It doesn't reflect badly on my mum, it reflects well on my aunt.

hairyfairylights · 12/01/2011 20:47

I think it's lovely . I have a step daughter and her mum tells me that she is so very glad her daughter has me on her side in life and has always encouraged our relationship ... So perhaps I'm a bonus too :)

Original poster

cobbledtogether · 12/01/2011 20:49

takeresponsibility - thanks for that.

DH and Ex had been apart for a long time when I met him and she had remarried and had other children already. I've never wanted / tried to be her mother - she already had one - but as I was with her Dad I saw it was important I had a good relationship with her.

When DH and I got married, it was DSD who referred to me as her 'stepmum' to people.

OP posts:

tigitigi · 12/01/2011 20:52

I think that in your family you should do whatever seems right to you all as a group and not worry about what others think.

I suspect people (or 'mums') who are taking offence are vulnerable or worried about their relationship with their children and see it as a very personal threat. No reason for you to change what you do though.

FlamingoBingo · 12/01/2011 20:54

I'm a real mum. I have a step-mum and a step-dad. I wish my step-mum had let us give her a name that wasn't just her first name, but she, like some posters want stepmums to do, was more concerned about my mum's feelings than my own, and refused any sort of special name . I really, really wanted to have a special relationship with her and wanted that honoured by a special name.

Thank goodness my Step-dad cared more about my feelings than my real dad's, and thank goodness that, shit though he was, he didn't object to us (me and my brother) calling him dad.

I think you sound like a lovely, kind step-mother, and any real mum who would feel threatened or offended by any special term between a step parent and step child clearly has real issues about her own role in her child's life, and is clearly putting her own feelings before those of her child.

strawberrycake · 12/01/2011 20:56

I have found step dc use 'stepmum' (or even mum but that's a whole other thread) out of choice too. I think they feel the ned to concisely explain our relationship to others without fuss, 'stepmum' fulfils that in that it explains without drawing into detail. I don't correct them on stepmum/mum because I'd consider it cruel to push them away. The way I see it we're the adults, they are children so how they feel is most important so I don't discourage how they choose to deal with it. I think the times they've used 'mum' in public is too appear to be 'normal' in front of friends who have 'normal' families, I just don't mention it. Round the house it's mainly first name, but unsurprisingly as I've had them from babies they often slip and call me mum.

crumpet · 12/01/2011 20:56

I'm not in your situation (not even separated !) but I'd like to think that if Dh met someone else who was a good long term influence on my children's lives then yes, I would hopefully see this as a bonus. How can it not be good for children to have positive and stable relationships with the adults in their lives?

Now if it was someone who was trying to replace ME as their mother, that would be another matter entirely, but it's not case in the situation the OP describes - she' effectively reaffirming to the child that the dsd is an important part of their family unit.

PrettyCandles · 12/01/2011 20:57

Sorry, the penny just dropped that you mean 'real mum' as in the birth mum of a child who has a stepmum. So my point if view isn't what you want.

sungirltan · 12/01/2011 20:58

i think its lovely. step mum/dad is a totally literal term. i think its nice that your so close you have your own special terms for eachother

christ 'you're' so close.

god i am ill

skyswept · 12/01/2011 20:58

YABU

Babyheave, you are not putting this forward as it is in the other thread. The step mums have decided that they do such a big job looking after the kids that we should all call them bonus mums as opposed to step mums.

Not a little story about what you and your step daughter do for fun.

Generically I think step parents does the job but then also everyone is entitled to their interpretation. Each case on its merits.

I think YABU to think that "real mums" need to see you as a bonus mum and respect all that you do, which is what the original argument was about.

tribpot · 12/01/2011 20:58

My take on this is a bit odd, because I have been part of a blended family for 32 years. I don't call my step-father my dad but do refer to him and my mum (and my dad and my step-mum) as 'my parents' (in fact I've even done it accidentally to my dad in ref to mum and step-dad). I refer to my half-, full- and step-siblings as 'my siblings', will normally refer to them individually as my brother, my sister because the distinctions (a) are baffling to most people and (b) simply don't matter.

But the bonus term I don't like. Even though my step-father has been a huge bonus in my life and without him my life would be immeasurably worse. Ironically I suspect he probably would (after puking at the tweeness of the word) call me a bonus daughter.

I suppose ask yourself if you'd like it if your dcs had someone they referred to as bonus mum. I don't think I'd like it, however well I got on with the theoretical future step-mother of my ds. Step is the correct term and doesn't come with 'value judgements' if you like that this step relationship is 'better' than this other one.

strawberrycake · 12/01/2011 20:58

Interesting cross-posts FlamingBingo...

charliesmommy · 12/01/2011 21:00

I just think that the term "stepmother" avoid confusion as to the relationship of you and the child.

If you start posting about you bonus daughter / or DBD it just creates misunderstanding and sounds too twee.

By all means describing her to people you know, who know the actual family structure, as your "bonus daughter" that is different.

My mother in law would call me her bonus daughter too.. as she always wanted a girl but never had one.. but technically I am her daughter in law.

FlamingoBingo · 12/01/2011 21:03

Strawberrycake - I thought that!

skyswept - is that true? Is there more to this than meets the eye?

IMO, whatever the child of a disrupted childhood needs to feel secure in his/her changed relationships should be paramount, and the parents just have to put up with it. I'm sure they're going through shit (I know they are - I do have divorced parents myself!), but the shit they're going through will have far less potential impact on the whole of the rest of their lives than than it will on those of their children.

I hope I would be able to let my children call their step-mother whatever they like, and not let my hurt affect their healing if I were ever in this situation.

pozzled · 12/01/2011 21:04

I think it's a nice term, a little twee but absolutely fine if used in a jokey, tongue-in-cheek way. If I ever split with my DH, I wouldn't really like my DD to think of another person as 'Mum'. But I don't think I'd mind 'Bonus Mum'.

skyswept · 12/01/2011 21:06

There is much more to this than meets the eye. I personally do not agree with changing from step mum to bonus mum. Step mum is good enough and only as bad or good as you make it.

"Nothing is good or bad, only thinking makes it so."

FlamingoBingo · 12/01/2011 21:07

But who care's what the term is? It only matters if the child minds, surely?

LadyintheRadiator · 12/01/2011 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlamingoBingo · 12/01/2011 21:08

Of course, it's a different matter if the discussion is 'should the official term for step-mum be changed to bonus mum?' because that would be rubbish - some step-mums clearly are not much of a bonus in their step-children's lives!

HuwEdwards · 12/01/2011 21:09

I think if you're all (including the mother) happy with it, and you call yourselves these names privately (thereby not causing confusion and odd looks) what does it matter what anyone else thinks?

Used to know a grown man who called his wife snoochy-pooch. Now he was a twat.

LadyintheRadiator · 12/01/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greeninkmama · 12/01/2011 21:09

I once made a reference to my DSS about not likely the whole 'wicked stepmother' thing, and he said 'you are not my stepmother, you are my stepmum and that is quite different.' So we are all happy with the stepmum term.

I think he does see me as a bonus mum, though, and he would probably like that term as it would help validate his sense of belonging. Not sure I particularly like it, tbh - but I find the amount of acronyms on here hard to follow at the best of times.

FlamingoBingo · 12/01/2011 21:09

LITR - I don't think this is a fight? DO you really think it is?

I lvoe that my chidlren don't see my step-dad as a step-grandad - having children that are close to him has really sealed the relationship between me and him and made entirely sure that the 'step' part is well and truly irrelevant

strawberrycake · 12/01/2011 21:11

I think as adults we need to suck it up and accept what the kids who been through a tough time NEED.

Frankly it's embarrassing to have a girl twelve years younger than me shout 'mum' in public, I'd hardly encourage it, but imagine how upset she'd be if I said I was embarrassed or that her mum wouldn't like it. The poor girl wants to feel part of our family just like her half-siblings/ sibling. It'll be interesting what my dc call dsd's mum when they grow and form more of a bond!

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