to call DSD my bonus daughter and me her bonus mum?

[cobbledtogether]

I have a lovely DSD and two lovely DCs of my own. She has a great relationship with her with her Mum, stepdad, Dad and me and I consider myself very fortunate to have had her in my life for the last 10 years.

Like any relationship in an extended and blended family, things are not always plain sailing, but I think both of our lives have been richer for it. Me for having such a clever and beautiful extra child in my family and her for having an extra stable home with her Dad and siblings who look up to her.

I know its a thread about a thread, but I've been told tonight that its an insult to real mums for me to refer to myself as a bonus mum. I was also told to go and post on AIBU to find out how insulted everyone would be.

So here I am. Flame me if you want.

Am I being unreasonable to refer to myself as a bonus mum and her as my bonus daughter?

I wouldnt personally use this. I am a stepmum but am not my dss' mum or bonus mum...he has a mum who does the job. I see bonus mum as an extra mum, which I am NOT>

skyswept - The thread was a discussion between step parents about whether we could refer to ourselves and our step children as something other than 'step'. We liked bonus mum. That discussion happened early last November.

I actually had a discussion with my DSD about that thread and the name kind of stuck and we use it in our family (twee, yes people, but there are even more nauseating nicknames in our family) We like it. It seemed to fit us better.

I am not insisting that anyone refers to me as a bonus mum, but I reserve the right to use it if I want.

I think it's great that you have a good relationship with your dsd and the affectionate nickname is a mark of the warmth of your relationship. I don't see anything offensive in it. When I read the title of your post I thought it was going to be about someone who could afford to have another child after they or their partner got a bonus at work, so they called the child the bonus daughter!

Awwwwwwww

That's sounds much nicer than stepmum/daughter

My DSD actually calls both her step dad and my DH Dad. DH doesn't actually mind. She lives with Mum and SD with other siblings, so it would make her stand out if she didn't. In that case its about DH accepting what is best for her.

I'm not sure I get the point of it. What's wrong with using stepmum or step-daughter?

Sounds twee like babydance, beanie, buba, bubs, hubby and that ilk.

I quite like the sound of bonus mum. In Sweden (where I am from) it seems to be the general term used, as in bonus mamma, bonus pappa, so exactly the same. I like that it implies something positive, step mother has so many negative connotations.

Sassyfrassy. Thats really good to know. If anyone asks in future, I can say its a Swedish thing! :)

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback. Signing out now. Going to snuggle up with snugglebum (DH) now.

I know, I know indeed. I did say we were nauseating in our household.

I call my lovely stepmum by her name but I introduce her as my wicked stepmother and she signs her emails off with WS

Well I went stalking on the other thread and Skyswept is the only person on the whole thread who was outraged by the suggestion that step-parents were in any way an addition or a bonus to their children's lives. It was indeed she who directed babyheave here for a more forthright toasting in the flames of Mumsnet.

As on the other thread there has only been support for babyheave and the (admittedly twee) phrase "bonus mum".

So Babyheave looks like the votes are with you, and Skyswept, I don't know your circumstances (you may even be my Partners ex wife who once referred to me as a fat lesbian - size 10 and living with your ex - I don't think so Dahling)but maybe you should consider why your opinion is so very much in the minority and learn something from both these threads.

I would say you are bringing your own issues to the thread Taker. Also having read both threads I don't think there has been a consensus at all. There are parents on in both the step and biological sides that have agreed or disagreed.

The OP is NBU if that is what she and her stepchild want to do. That is their private business.

There are a few people that have said the only mum is the biological mother.

I think if all the step mums want to use mumsnet as an arena for changing step mum to bonus mum then I object. Step parent is a fine term. I agree that Bonus Parent is twee and probably a bad joke if you don't have a positive relationship. Step parent has been in use for hundreds of years.

Cinderella had a fairy god mother - that doesn't make all god parents fairies, just as all step parents are not wicked. If you are going to hold us all to the logic of fairy tales we will all end up in a sorry place.

I'm sorry if you think I am bringing my own issues to the thread. I have come into my partners children's lives well into their teens and early adulthood and have never taken on the role of mother apart from cooking and changing their sheets etc just the sort of things you would do for any guest in your household. It would be entirely inappropriate for them to consider me as a bonus mother and I would be the first to say so.

On the other hand plenty of the step parents over on the other forum have been nothing but a bonus, the ideal would be if every child from a separated family could genuinely believe they have two home one with Mum (and whoever) and one with Dad(and whoever) and that they felt equally comfitable in both. My only issue is where one parent is dismissive or rude about the other household or members of it. This just leaves the child feeling anxious that they might say the wrong thing in front of a paarent who clearly detests a member of the other household.

I haven't added up the yays and nays but it is certainly my honest impression that babyheave is not being unreasonable for herself or on behalf of the other step-mums.

I agree that the term is not universally popular enough to become an accepted acronym on MN, but there is an issue with what to call "Step-Mums" who are not actually married to the childs father but may have been with him a very long time and possibly the birth mother to his other children.

I do not recognise or understand what your fairy story analogy has to do with anything I have said.

I think it's lovely, my Dad remarried when i was 12, though me and my stepmum didn't get on till i was 18 (am now 25), i now call her my 'extra mum', well i don't actually call her that but i refer her as that sometimes.

My Dad and stepmum are divorced now but i still see her all the time and we are very close, i see her more then my dad to be honest and she has a good relationship with my mum, so my mums not hurt by it either.

The original cause of wanting to change from step parents to bonus parents seems to stem from the association of wicked step mother to modern step parents and the desire to move away from that. That is what my fairy tale comment sought to address. I was contributing to the wider argument of the thread. I also addressed the OP and spaced out my comments to clarify that they addressed differing points.

There does seem to be a difference between what people refer to their step parents as and what they call them to their face. I also think some people are projecting their own feelings and issues. I suppose the perception of child is the concern. If you call someone else a mum does it detract away from the significance of the biological mum. Perception is a factor here as people are challenging the perceptions of what step means as opposed to bonus in regards to mothering and the child.

Well, when I saw it on another thread in Step parents topic, I thought it was a lovely way to describe the relationships - so IMO YANBU!

It is conceited for a person to refer to themselves as "bonus mom". I have only heard that phrase used by the a bio parent about the step parent, in which case it is ok. I would address (if I had one, which I do not)my step daughter by her first name. You can surely think of some other fond nick name for her?

I have no step-experiences.

But I think it is sweet (in a twee obviously!) and if she likes it so what?

I don't think anyone is actively campaigning for this to be the 'official term'.

And I DO think that there is consensus - that if it's ok with everyone involved, it is acceptable.

Some people on here are just plain mad