to call DSD my bonus daughter and me her bonus mum?

[cobbledtogether]

I have a lovely DSD and two lovely DCs of my own. She has a great relationship with her with her Mum, stepdad, Dad and me and I consider myself very fortunate to have had her in my life for the last 10 years.

Like any relationship in an extended and blended family, things are not always plain sailing, but I think both of our lives have been richer for it. Me for having such a clever and beautiful extra child in my family and her for having an extra stable home with her Dad and siblings who look up to her.

I know its a thread about a thread, but I've been told tonight that its an insult to real mums for me to refer to myself as a bonus mum. I was also told to go and post on AIBU to find out how insulted everyone would be.

So here I am. Flame me if you want.

Am I being unreasonable to refer to myself as a bonus mum and her as my bonus daughter?

I think it's okay.

I would have to feel VERY happy and secure in everyone's situations and relationships to hear my daughter refer to another woman as her Bonus Mum though. It sounds like that is the situation for you OP, so YANBU :)

In my family, my little brother is the family bonus. My sibs and I all a bit older and my parents weren't planning on any more and then he came along. Bonus!

(Or sometimes "Bonehead" but then when he complains it's all wide eyed innocence and "I said Bonus Muuuum")

What a shame it upsets people. I think it sounds a really good term for what is clearly in the OPs case a good relationship.

I think it's lovely and think it must be fabulous for the dsd, which is the main thing.

YABU. And not because I think it will cause offence to the BM. I realsie you mean it in a nice way but surely saying things like "come here bonus daughter" is just highlighting the fact that she isn't yours and isn't the same as her step-siblings?

Well it was with some trepidation that I returned to the thread this morning as I did wonder what I would find. I am so pleased that what I've found is a good debate rather toasty flames.

onmyfeet we call each other by our first names, but we do use it jokingly to each other. Its taken a long time to build our relationship and we've found it very positive to have another way of referring to our relationship. Rather than being conceited, its about expressing that our relationship has grown to be something more than "Dad's wife and DH's Daughter" Out of interest, she calls her step-dad 'Dad'. No one would suggest that was conceited.

Fenugreek LOL at Bonehead :)

elephantjelly I'd disagree that calling someone else Mum detracts from the significance of their Mum. Children aren't daft. They know who their real Mum is and nothing detracts from that. As I mentioned before, my DSD calls her stepdad Dad. That doesn't make my DH any less her Dad or diminish his role or what he means to her. It is all about making her fill fully included and giving her a sense of belonging in whichever part of her family she is with at the time.

Anyway, I am off to start the day with a positive spring in my step. Thank you all.

saintknickerless - Just to be clear, I don't always refer to her as Bonus Daughter. As I've said before we use our first names, but occasionally use it affectionately in the same way that I say "Come here Slinky McWinky to my DS."

I think it's irrelevant and tacky tbh.

The legal term is stepmother, I understand there are negative connotations but if you are a happy family then they obviously aren't affecting you that badly

Why bother making a big deal out of it, I'm a stepmother and it's a role I took on age 16 (I married DH when I was 21, he's a lot older than me) and I was very conscious of the whole Wicked Stepmother thing, and there were a few jokes about it, but we grew as a family and the term is used affectionately (ie they introduce me proudly as their stepmum) so I don't see the problem!

TBH I think it would be better to just have an affectionate nickname like that for SD then that doesn't relate to her not being biologically related to you. But I have no step-kids so may be talking out of my hat.

I wish my step mum had been like you!

I think it's lovely and if you and DSD (to a lesser extent her mum) are happy with it great.

I expect you have put a lot of work in to get this good relationship, and I imagine you have made some sacrifices along the way and so you fully deserve this happy situation.

I think it's fine if people ask to use 'bonus mum' if the child doesn't mind but to use it as a nickname is highlighting the difference when it's not necessary imo. Although I realise it's well-intentioned in this case.

I think you should call each other whatever the Hell you like.

OP Seems to me that you are more emotionally mature/less needy than others commenting on the thread.

If you are all happy with it in your family, go for it. It is irrelevant what anyone who wants to transpose their own insecurities onto your situation thinks.

My DDs call my husband their "spare Daddy" :o

It came out from my little one saying that she didnt like "step" anything as step mothers are evil so step fathers might be too! She said "I have my Daddy and [DP] is my spare Daddy" She calls him by his first name but like the OP she will occasionally say "Night Night Spare Daddy" or something, while giving him a cuddle. I think its their way of saying he is special but not Daddy iykwim.

He doesnt call them Spare Daughers though. He calls the little one Gruffalo cos she thought she had a hairy bum (hair brushing after a bath, dont ask!) and the bigger one Stinky Pants as she farts alot :o

Should add that the step mothers are evil thing came from a marathon Disney session, not personal experience!

Disney havent helped the Blended Families cause really have they?!

bogeyface.