Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel aggressively befriended by these people?

90 replies

ThisFeelsWeird · 12/01/2011 15:45

I have name changed for this! Apologies for the length.

In the summer DH and I attended a church bbq. It was directly after Mass one Sunday so we dropped in to be sociable. We know a few people to say hello too and it was pleasant enough. Towards the end we got talking to a guy we didn't know and had never seen before but who seemed perfectly nice. The conversation was fairly brief, a bit of "Nice day isn't it?" and "Do you live far?" etc etc Then he saw some kids walking through the park with tennis rackets and said "Oh, my wife and I love to play tennis but hardly do it anymore" to which I said "Oh, yes, us too - it's hard to find time isn't it?"

He then suggests DH and I join him and his wife some time for a game (we hadn't even exchanged names at this point) and I sort of smiled as you do with strangers and said "Ooh, I'm not very good I'm afraid", and started to feel a bit uncomfortable. He then started chatting to DH and asking really personal questions about where we live, what we do etc etc then got his phone out and said "Can I have your number? My wife and I are new round here and it'd be great to know more people." DH was totally put on the spot and gave him his mobile number as everyone was sort of smiling nervously at each other at this point and he didn't want to appear rude. Plus, the guy seemed nice enough, just a bit lonely, and I suppose we did feel a bit sorry for him and, after all, we had just been to Mass!

He then started cooing over DS and told me rather randomly that he and his wife were having difficulty conceiving (they are a good ten years older than us) and he was sure she'd love to chat to me if I had any advice in that area. WTF? Remember, ten minutes earlier the guy was a total stranger. I just mumbled "Oh dear, I'm sorry, it can be hard sometimes."

Anyway, we quickly forgot about the episode until about a month later when he started texting DH to see if we fancied going round to theirs for dinner some time? We decided to ignore it as I felt a bit weirded out by it and we hadn't seen them at Mass again since then so just decided to put it out of our minds.

Then, shortly before Christmas, he and his wife suddenly started appearing at church on Sunday and afterwards making a bee-line for us and acting as if we are long-lost buddies. And every time they go on and on about getting our diaries out and organising to have lunch or something. Last night he texted again to say please tell us a Sunday in Jan when you are free to come to ours after Mass for cake. They are French and divide their time between the two countries (I think she is a lecturer at a French uni and he might be a writer) so that explains why we have only seen them sporadically.

DH thinks this is all quite funny and says he doesn't mind going round to eat the cake, smile, let them coo over the baby then head home and move on. But I feel it will only be the beginning. I really feel a bit creeped out by them. They are much older than us and are little more than strangers. We hardly know them, I don't even know his wife's name and whilst I am always happy to make new friends, I do think you need a little bit of time to get to know someone before you start having dinner with them.

AIBU not to want to be forced into having a friendship with people just because they really, really want it? How do I get out of it? Am I being a bit precious to feel aggressively befriended? I'm no great shakes, honest, not really sure why they like us so much actually! I'm just happy to say hello and smile for now. We ave such a busy life and lots of people to catch up with that we hardly see as it is I just can't be bothered forcing a friendship out of nothing.

But how do I get out of it? Do I just have to go along with it? Would it be very rude and unchristian just to ignore them? I don't want to be a bitch but I just can't be arsed. And, like I say, it does feel a bit creepy.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Mumwithadragontattoo · 12/01/2011 16:06

Sounds like they are new to the area and being friendly. If you don't like them duck out of it by all means. But I would go and have cake with them after church. It's not a formal dinner or anything and you can easier make up an excuse to leave if you're not enjoying it (going out for Sunday lunch say). You never know they might make good friends.

Vakant · 12/01/2011 16:07

Very bizarre! It sounds like they are lonely and are trying to be proactive about making friends, which is fine but they do seem to have gone about it a bit too agressively, it's one thing to be proactive and try to make things happen but these things also need to have an element of happening organically too.

I find it strange that they didn't take the hint when you ignored their first text message though, clearly you weren't interested so why push it. I guess you could try to fob them off by saying that your diary for Jan is full and hope that that sends the message, but I think it's more likely that you will have have to be more blunt.

ItsAllMeMeMe · 12/01/2011 16:09

I would feel a bit creeped out too but would also feel obliged to go along with it. But that's because I'm a yes person and rubbish at saying no. I would feel like changing my phone number but would probably go with them for this cake thing and hope it fizzled out. They'll be waiting for you to make the next mnove so if you just don't...they'll get the message.

It is a bit odd but then some people are just much more go-getting about making friends. It's very British to be so stand-offish and make people wait to earn your friendship!

FrequentNutter · 12/01/2011 16:09

How will you get to know someone if you do not do something sociable with them?

Whilst I understand he seems to be a bit in your face it is hard to make new friends in a new place.

There is no harm in going for cake and why not?

kenobi · 12/01/2011 16:10

If it were me I would go tbh. It may be that they will relax once they have widened their social circle.

But you know what, you don't owe them anything so if it doesn't work for you, don't do it.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 12/01/2011 16:10

It sounds like they are lonely and are trying to make some friends - maybe they are being a it OTT about it, but having moved from Essex to Scotland 2.5 years ago, and found myself in the position of knowing no-one and feeling desperately lonely, I can understand how they feel.

It is much easier to make new friends when you have children, in my experience - because you go to toddler groups or chat to people at the school gates, and invitations to come round for coffee whilst the children play occur very naturally. You have something in common, somewhere to start a conversation, and that makes things easier, in my experience.

This couple don't have children, so don't have that 'in' to conversations/friendships - I was in a similar position when we moved, because the older two dses were at senior school, and ds3 went into P7 (the final year of primary school) and none of them needed or wanted me at the school gates, so I felt very cut off from a big potential source of new friends.

I have joined an art class, and a choir, and recently a knit and natter group, and am making friends, but it is a slow process, and I have felt very isolated and alone a lot of the time since we moved.

I would give these folk a chance - maybe when they don't feel they have to try so hard, they will relax a bit and you might find you do get on with them. You could also make a point of introducing them to other people at church, or suggesting church functions that they might enjoy.

strandednomore · 12/01/2011 16:14

I hope you never ever move to another country where you don't know anyone. You obviously have no idea how lonely it can be to know no-one. It's very difficult, especially when you are dealing with another culture. Why don't you meet up with them, you never know you might actually like them. And by the way age doesn't mean anything, it's good to have friends from a different age group.

Oh and by the way this has nothing to do with being "Christian" or "un-christian". I am as far from being a christian as it is possible to be but, having been in this position myself several times, I would defintiely extend the hand of friendship.

YABU.

honeybehappy · 12/01/2011 16:14

It's really hard to make new friends especially as a couple... they sound abit odd but saying that i'd love it if that happened to us. We have one couple that me and DH go out with and we would love to make more couple friends but it's just so hard.

strandednomore · 12/01/2011 16:15

Oh and by the way I obviously like writing by the way.

OTheHugeManatee · 12/01/2011 16:16

The English are much more reserved than lots of other nations, and making new friends is a minefield if you're not familiar with the culture. It's so easy to get it wrong and just weird people out. I understand your being uncomfortable, but having lived abroad I kind of feel for these people too.

That said, if you do go there for cake you never know: maybe you'll end up gaffer-taped to chairs in their basement, and forced to eat foie gras and watch interminable black and white films without subtitles for their perverted pleasure.

(sorry, not helping Grin)

Sarsaparilllla · 12/01/2011 16:17

I think they're just trying to make new friends in the area, maybe they come across as a bit abrubt if they're French so English isn't their first language? I'd give them the benefit of the doubt, go round for cake, it's not the end of the world for people to want to make new friends when they move to an area.

deliakate · 12/01/2011 16:19

Church can be like this - many ppl see it as a great way to make new, like minded friends.

Original poster
ThisFeelsWeird · 12/01/2011 16:21

OTheHugeManatee Grin that's one of the things I'm worried about!!! DH says the worst that will happen is they'll ask us to swing with them. I'm not sure what would be worse...

OP posts:
moomiemoo · 12/01/2011 16:21

I think YAabitBU.

Okay they might be a bit OTT and maybe even not your kind of people but they're obviously trying hard to make friends in a new country.

Go for cake. You never know you might even get along really well with them.

werewolf · 12/01/2011 16:21

Why not go for a coffee at Starbucks or similar?

cantspel · 12/01/2011 16:22

Everyone is a stanger until you get to know them.
They sound a bit isolated and want to make new friends. Why is that weird?
Accept their invitation and then if you dont like them avoid them/refuse any further invitations.
They could well be a very nice couple who before best friends if you give them a chance.

cantspel · 12/01/2011 16:22

become even

strandednomore · 12/01/2011 16:22

And they're offering cake - what's not to like?

Ohthehugemanatee - Grin. Or maybe they will force you to do mime

OTheHugeManatee · 12/01/2011 16:28

FeelsWeird Do they have pampas grass outside the house?

If so be afraid. Be very afraid.

Firawla · 12/01/2011 16:28

i think you are being a bit mean, they are just trying to be friendly. everyone starts out as strangers dont they. if you are not too keen just go for the cake and be polite to them, maybe try to introduce them to others in the church, for eg other their own age if you feel they are too old. but i dont think they have been that creepy, a little pushy and non hint taking perhaps, but have some compassion they have just moved from abroad. they probably thought church going people are supposed to show kindness and welcome newcomers, that is what i would have thought too so cant blame them for expecting people to be friendly

HettiesMum · 12/01/2011 16:31

They sound very lonely. If you don't want them can't you introduce them to others you know who might want to take up their friendship ?

Vakant · 12/01/2011 16:35

I don't understand why people are urging the OP to just go for cake and see what happens. To me, that will be showing them that you are now friends and they will want a repeat performance. Which is fine if you decide you do want to persue a friendship with them, but what if you don't? I don't see what is wrong with just seeing if the friendship develops naturally when you see each other at Church? Nothing mean about keeping them at arms length until you feel comfortable.

Must admit, the thought that they were trying to groom you for a bit of swinging also crossed my mind!

nowadoubledee · 12/01/2011 16:38

There's something about people who insist though...it's as though they don't recognise that it's your choice too..

katiestar · 12/01/2011 16:38

there only asking you to pop round for cake and coffee,not a swinging party.

katiestar · 12/01/2011 16:39

they're

Swipe left for the next trending thread