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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel aggressively befriended by these people?

90 replies

ThisFeelsWeird · 12/01/2011 15:45

I have name changed for this! Apologies for the length.

In the summer DH and I attended a church bbq. It was directly after Mass one Sunday so we dropped in to be sociable. We know a few people to say hello too and it was pleasant enough. Towards the end we got talking to a guy we didn't know and had never seen before but who seemed perfectly nice. The conversation was fairly brief, a bit of "Nice day isn't it?" and "Do you live far?" etc etc Then he saw some kids walking through the park with tennis rackets and said "Oh, my wife and I love to play tennis but hardly do it anymore" to which I said "Oh, yes, us too - it's hard to find time isn't it?"

He then suggests DH and I join him and his wife some time for a game (we hadn't even exchanged names at this point) and I sort of smiled as you do with strangers and said "Ooh, I'm not very good I'm afraid", and started to feel a bit uncomfortable. He then started chatting to DH and asking really personal questions about where we live, what we do etc etc then got his phone out and said "Can I have your number? My wife and I are new round here and it'd be great to know more people." DH was totally put on the spot and gave him his mobile number as everyone was sort of smiling nervously at each other at this point and he didn't want to appear rude. Plus, the guy seemed nice enough, just a bit lonely, and I suppose we did feel a bit sorry for him and, after all, we had just been to Mass!

He then started cooing over DS and told me rather randomly that he and his wife were having difficulty conceiving (they are a good ten years older than us) and he was sure she'd love to chat to me if I had any advice in that area. WTF? Remember, ten minutes earlier the guy was a total stranger. I just mumbled "Oh dear, I'm sorry, it can be hard sometimes."

Anyway, we quickly forgot about the episode until about a month later when he started texting DH to see if we fancied going round to theirs for dinner some time? We decided to ignore it as I felt a bit weirded out by it and we hadn't seen them at Mass again since then so just decided to put it out of our minds.

Then, shortly before Christmas, he and his wife suddenly started appearing at church on Sunday and afterwards making a bee-line for us and acting as if we are long-lost buddies. And every time they go on and on about getting our diaries out and organising to have lunch or something. Last night he texted again to say please tell us a Sunday in Jan when you are free to come to ours after Mass for cake. They are French and divide their time between the two countries (I think she is a lecturer at a French uni and he might be a writer) so that explains why we have only seen them sporadically.

DH thinks this is all quite funny and says he doesn't mind going round to eat the cake, smile, let them coo over the baby then head home and move on. But I feel it will only be the beginning. I really feel a bit creeped out by them. They are much older than us and are little more than strangers. We hardly know them, I don't even know his wife's name and whilst I am always happy to make new friends, I do think you need a little bit of time to get to know someone before you start having dinner with them.

AIBU not to want to be forced into having a friendship with people just because they really, really want it? How do I get out of it? Am I being a bit precious to feel aggressively befriended? I'm no great shakes, honest, not really sure why they like us so much actually! I'm just happy to say hello and smile for now. We ave such a busy life and lots of people to catch up with that we hardly see as it is I just can't be bothered forcing a friendship out of nothing.

But how do I get out of it? Do I just have to go along with it? Would it be very rude and unchristian just to ignore them? I don't want to be a bitch but I just can't be arsed. And, like I say, it does feel a bit creepy.

WWYD?

OP posts:
NancyDrewHasaClue · 12/01/2011 18:04

Your behaviour is far more weird than that of the newcomers.

I can't see they have done anything remotely odd let alone creepy - you on the other hand seem a rather narrow minded and unpleasant.

If you really can't see your way to cake for an hour or so then I would suspect it is your loss rather than theirs, I think they sound quite interesting.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 12/01/2011 18:07

I would be creeped out and avoid them like the plague. But I am from London Grin

MyBrilliantCareer · 12/01/2011 18:08

So they are new to the church and you are not?

If so, YABU.

If it was the other way round, I'd run for the hills.

FancyALittle · 12/01/2011 18:11

You ask WWYD?

WWJD?

Sossiges · 12/01/2011 18:12

YANBU If they creep you out then change churches. Follow your instincts - they are there for a reason.

Sossiges · 12/01/2011 18:13

Sorry if I sounded sinister (mwah ha ha ha) but it's true Smile

TotalChaos · 12/01/2011 18:15

Yabvu. They are trying to be proactive making new friends. If you dont then fair enough but harsh to say they are aggressive

IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 12/01/2011 18:24

I think YABU as well I'm afraid.

As loads of other people have said surely if you go to church then a bit of charity to new people wouldn't go amiss.

They don't seem wierd to me and if they are French maybe they don't understand the ignoring of the previous text.

What harm can having a bit of cake do. They are probably as normal as you and they seem to be alot more friendly than you.

How sad if at church you can't make friends Hmm

megapixels · 12/01/2011 18:25

I don't understand why you'd be weirded out? Going to someone's house for cake doesn't mean that you are bosom buddies fgs. For many cultures inviting people round for a coffee or a meal is the first step in forming a friendship.

It's a pity they haven't realised how unfriendly you are and backed off.

TheProvincialLady · 12/01/2011 18:32

YABU. If you aren't keen on them yourselves, the christian least thing you could do would be to introduce them to people you think they might have something in common with.

Sossiges · 12/01/2011 18:47

I agree - palm them off onto someone else Grin

justcarrots29 · 12/01/2011 19:17

oooh maybe they want your husband's sperm to impregnant the wife!!!!!!!!!!!

Run for your lives!!!
However, I would go as I think it may be that the husband thinks his wife is lonely as well and trying to get some friends for her. Go along, be nosey and then decide and then if they still freak you out try and find someone else to be their BFF's Smile

AnneRobinsonsahairyfairy · 12/01/2011 19:19

Justcarrots you make a fair point there.

OP I suggest you shit yourself if any mention of car keys crops up. That and pampass grass naturalment.

This may help you

Spero · 12/01/2011 19:22

This kind of thing explains to me why I don't 'do' religion.

You profess to be practising Christians, yet you are unable to act on the basic principles of your faith in real life!

justcarrots29 · 12/01/2011 19:25

Spero - Christians are entitled to feel 'pressurised' as well. The couple are a little over-keen and she is right to be cautious. Just because they share the same religion does not mean they will instantly be bosom buddies!!

Spero · 12/01/2011 19:29

Christians are entitled to feel however they bloody well want. But I am surprised how few of the ones I know seem to display much of a Christian attitude in their life outside church - re forgiveness and love and all that.

I cannot understand the fuss being made about accepting an invitation from people reaching out for friendship.

It does seem to be a very English thing to say 'I have enough friends' and simply not be bothered engaging with anyone else. For those of us who have moved around, it is quite depressing and makes us lonely.

That's church off the list then.

ThisFeelsWeird · 12/01/2011 20:55

Hello again - it's been interesting reading your responses. I think it's harsh of you to call me weird, unfriendly, unpleasant, narrow-minded, uptight etc. I think I'm super friendly actually - possibly to a fault - and am always the very first person to chat to someone on their own a a party and make small talk with strangers. I am totally open to new friendships and very sociable. FGS, I can't be that horrible or they wouldn't be so flipping keen to hang out with me! I'm not planning to trip them up on the way up to communion or anything, just wasn't really prepared for such an onslaught of friendship after speaking to the husband for 5 minutes at a bbq.

I do feel we're being pressured into a relationship we're not ready for. I do feel that you have to know people even just a little bit before you start socialising with them. Even just a couple of months of hellos and chit chat usually does the trick. I am not in the habit of inviting strangers to my home and so I find it odd when someone else does it. I don't see for one minute that I have to love them or loathe them either, I was hoping for a middle ground. And yes, I do find the bloke a bit creepy. Is it unforgiveable to find someone creepy? What if they truly are... creepy?

Are we obliged to be friends with everyone we meet, just because they want it that way??? Do you guys like everyone you meet?

Anyway, I think there are some interesting points here (the christian/english bashing aside) and maybe I am overthinking it. I guess we will do this cake thing and then hope they back off a bit and just let things develop a bit more organically, if it's meant to be that way.

And I will keep my eyes peeled for car keys and gaffer tape Wink

OP posts:
Booandpops · 12/01/2011 21:02

Katiestar. Sorry I'm sick but swinging was my first thought on reading this post!

TheProvincialLady · 12/01/2011 21:03

I'm pretty sure that your average swinging couple would not choose a church barbeque as their hunting ground!

Slightly · 12/01/2011 21:15

Really glad you have decided to do cake ThisFeelsWeird

Maybe it will be nice!

Just as an aside, we moved continents in September (UK to US, and I'm naturally a keep-to-myself sort, but I've made a real effort (and found it pretty hard going at times) to meet up with everyone that offered, and ask people over for dinner/drinks/coffee at every opportunity.

I've made some fabulous new friends, that I wouldn't have if I'd followed my nature, and as a family we've really benefited. We've even had DH's boss and her family over for dinner which was terrifying brilliant fun.

You've got nothing to lose as long as you avoid the torture basement

justcarrots29 · 12/01/2011 21:16

I think you were given a hard time! Go for cake though...never pass up cake!! Goodluck - please come back and tell us how you got on!!

LatteLady · 12/01/2011 21:25

Can I suggest that you have a word with the PP (or his housekeeper) and ask him about them. My first thought was - Opus Dei but I might just be cynical as they once came after me albeit 30 years ago!

Takeresponsibility · 12/01/2011 21:26

I work in France and it is perfectly normal to be invited to someones home even if you are only a casual aquaintance. Two of my colleagues recently went to the 50th birthday party of someone they only meet once a month at a meeting, lots of personal friends and lotas of colleagues and aquaintances. It was fancy dress and being the only two English people there they were self concious. Everyone went in fancy dress including some seriously senior French policemen and no-one thought it odd to be invited to the home of a casual aquaintance.

ThisFeelsWeird · 12/01/2011 21:35

Takeresponsibility that's interesting. Maybe it is a cultural thing then. Good god, I hope this cake event doesn't turn into fancy dress too.

OP posts:
petratsdontsmell · 12/01/2011 22:22

I only like socialising in situations where I have to be there anyway, if you see what I mean. Eg. I'm very friendly at work because I have to be there, but wouldn't dream of meeting up outside work.
So if I get invited out, I always say "So sorry, but I really much rather not come. I never go anywhere".
I first said this as an instinctive response when asked out with some Year 2 mums for an end of term meal. It was easy to say, people soon cottoned on and no-one stopped talking to me in the playground- they just accepted that I ONLY talk in the playground.

Perhaps I should rename myself "This Is Weird"!!

If you can't use my line in your circs, then I suggest you send your husband to the cake-meeting by himself.

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