To feel aggressively befriended by these people?

[ThisFeelsWeird]

I have name changed for this! Apologies for the length.

In the summer DH and I attended a church bbq. It was directly after Mass one Sunday so we dropped in to be sociable. We know a few people to say hello too and it was pleasant enough. Towards the end we got talking to a guy we didn't know and had never seen before but who seemed perfectly nice. The conversation was fairly brief, a bit of "Nice day isn't it?" and "Do you live far?" etc etc Then he saw some kids walking through the park with tennis rackets and said "Oh, my wife and I love to play tennis but hardly do it anymore" to which I said "Oh, yes, us too - it's hard to find time isn't it?"

He then suggests DH and I join him and his wife some time for a game (we hadn't even exchanged names at this point) and I sort of smiled as you do with strangers and said "Ooh, I'm not very good I'm afraid", and started to feel a bit uncomfortable. He then started chatting to DH and asking really personal questions about where we live, what we do etc etc then got his phone out and said "Can I have your number? My wife and I are new round here and it'd be great to know more people." DH was totally put on the spot and gave him his mobile number as everyone was sort of smiling nervously at each other at this point and he didn't want to appear rude. Plus, the guy seemed nice enough, just a bit lonely, and I suppose we did feel a bit sorry for him and, after all, we had just been to Mass!

He then started cooing over DS and told me rather randomly that he and his wife were having difficulty conceiving (they are a good ten years older than us) and he was sure she'd love to chat to me if I had any advice in that area. WTF? Remember, ten minutes earlier the guy was a total stranger. I just mumbled "Oh dear, I'm sorry, it can be hard sometimes."

Anyway, we quickly forgot about the episode until about a month later when he started texting DH to see if we fancied going round to theirs for dinner some time? We decided to ignore it as I felt a bit weirded out by it and we hadn't seen them at Mass again since then so just decided to put it out of our minds.

Then, shortly before Christmas, he and his wife suddenly started appearing at church on Sunday and afterwards making a bee-line for us and acting as if we are long-lost buddies. And every time they go on and on about getting our diaries out and organising to have lunch or something. Last night he texted again to say please tell us a Sunday in Jan when you are free to come to ours after Mass for cake. They are French and divide their time between the two countries (I think she is a lecturer at a French uni and he might be a writer) so that explains why we have only seen them sporadically.

DH thinks this is all quite funny and says he doesn't mind going round to eat the cake, smile, let them coo over the baby then head home and move on. But I feel it will only be the beginning. I really feel a bit creeped out by them. They are much older than us and are little more than strangers. We hardly know them, I don't even know his wife's name and whilst I am always happy to make new friends, I do think you need a little bit of time to get to know someone before you start having dinner with them.

AIBU not to want to be forced into having a friendship with people just because they really, really want it? How do I get out of it? Am I being a bit precious to feel aggressively befriended? I'm no great shakes, honest, not really sure why they like us so much actually! I'm just happy to say hello and smile for now. We ave such a busy life and lots of people to catch up with that we hardly see as it is I just can't be bothered forcing a friendship out of nothing.

But how do I get out of it? Do I just have to go along with it? Would it be very rude and unchristian just to ignore them? I don't want to be a bitch but I just can't be arsed. And, like I say, it does feel a bit creepy.

WWYD?

I only like socialising in situations where I have to be there anyway, if you see what I mean. Eg. I'm very friendly at work because I have to be there, but wouldn't dream of meeting up outside work.
So if I get invited out, I always say "So sorry, but I really much rather not come. I never go anywhere".
I first said this as an instinctive response when asked out with some Year 2 mums for an end of term meal. It was easy to say, people soon cottoned on and no-one stopped talking to me in the playground- they just accepted that I ONLY talk in the playground.

Perhaps I should rename myself "This Is Weird"!!

If you can't use my line in your circs, then I suggest you send your husband to the cake-meeting by himself.

Now it's come up twice- I jinxed myself - that really really IS weird!

if you dont want to see them just keep saying you are busy, every time they ask, you are busy, busy, busy! they'll soon get the hint
if you dont want to meet up with them you should not feel bad about it, life is toooooo short!

God I feel so sorry for them. They probably greet you like long-lost friends because you were the only people who were halfway civil to them (because you are friendly people).

It's bad enough moving to a new town in England if you're English (am over a year down the line and not much further on).

Must be hideous if it's also a foreign culture.

I don't really understand how any of the things you describe (with the possible exception of the trying to conceive comment) could make you feel so strongly.

You say that you felt uncomfortable when they asked you to join them for a game of tennis. Really? Is tha particularly inappropriate?

And they were asking "really personal questions" like where do you live, what do you do. What on earth do you expect people who have just met to talk about? It's normal conversation.

I can see how you feel a bit pressurised now because they are doing all the running but it sounds like you made up your mind pretty quickly about them after some fairly ordinary-sounding social exchanges.

One of the things I loved when living in France was the way so many people I met in the town I lived in either through work, through colleagues or socially would extend an invite of some sort, whether it be to go round for a meal, go for a drink or meet up sometime. I do think this may be a cultural thing as many of the people I met and who have stayed friends have commented on this difference in French and English mentality, where what they regard as common courtesy and friendliness is seen as creepy and suspicious.

Ahhh, they sound lonely and a bit sad tbh. I think you should give them a chance.

However, if they offer you a pom bear then run for the hills....

I'm glad you decided to take them up on the cake, its only cake after all.

They are probably lovely people and you'll have a nice time. If not then they will sense that too at that situation and the 'friendship will run its course accordingly.

Have fun.

I would not go. Sometimes in life, someone really nice and probably very interesting tries to be your friend, but from the second you meet them, you don't really want to be friends. It's not a bad thing, you have to 'click' with friends and if you found them 'too much' on first meeting and don't fancy getting to know them better, I would probably not bother. I would continue to be friendly at church groups, though, as often people you don't want to be very good personal friends with can be really enjoyable to socialise with as part of a larger group or in an activity such as church or drinks after work.

Friends are people you like, full stop!

I am afraid that I got into a similar situation and it was awful. My advice would be to run for the hills. It might sound selfish and unfair on this other couple but you have to protect yourselves and your time (which is probably low in supply!)If it feels strange at the beginning of a friendship it's not going to get any better. Might be worth considering another church/service.

Agree with smileyfacestar, loads of people on here are obv really keen to send you off to the basement to eat cake, but if they had met the bloke and found him creepy, as you do, I doubt they'd be so keen. What a lot of bleeding hearts (ahh poor swingers/torturers lonely French people)!

Wow, I can't believe how hard people have been on the OP. Since when is there an obligation to spend time with people we feel uncomfortable with (unless they're your family/inlaws, obviously.. )?

I agree, OP, that it might just be a cultural difference as to how one expects to socialise, and that they are lonely and want to make friends. I'm torn between thinking that yes, if you met at a Christian church, then maybe you could push yourself to show a bit of Christian charity/friendship, and thinking that if your instinct is that you're not comfortable with this man for some reason, then you should trust your insticts.

I'm a bit of a hermit when it comes to socialising. I seem very outgoing and chatty to people, but I find that quite stressful and I get nervous, talk too much, then am aware that I'm monopolising the conversation/saying something inappropriate etc. Generally I just like to stay in and drink wine with DP, or see old friends. It's lazy, but safer! My point being that if you don't want to socialise with someone, why on earth should you?

Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble.

i think they are really lonely and new too an area, you dont seem to have a very christian attitude

As an expat, it seems perfectly normal to me!

When I was in the UK (I am English), my social circle/friends were people I was at school with/worked with/neighbours.

I moved away (Middle East) and am now a SAHM and have met many friends via expat forums, like blind dates at play areas with the kids!

If you are away from everyone you know, family, friends, etc, you really do reach out to strangers, and it may seem weird to you, and you may not think you need any more friends, but to someone who has no one there, they could view you as a possible good friend.

If you really don't like them or can't be bothered with the effort of befriending them, just tell them when they offer the next meeting that you really are very pushed timewise and can't arrange something now, but that you have their number and will give them a ring if you are free some time in the future. That way the ball is in your court and if you don't ring, they will eventually get the message.

YANBU He is being pushy, few people like desperate pushy people.
If you agree to go for cake it may be interpreted that you are now 'officially' friends. So next time it will be dinner etc at some point your going to have to do what you want to do now and freeze them out.

Personally I'd find that much kinder than finding out someone only became friends with me out of pity.