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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in making a report to SS?

53 replies

RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 12:40

Someone I know (very close relative) has a little girl of 18mths old and I have been told by the father that his wife smokes weed in the house although not in the same room as her child, the child has free access to the room when it isn't being smoked, I think this is really wrong as well as illegal and I don't think it is safe to have a high parent responsible for a young child.
I know it sounds judgy and I could be mistaken and high parents make very responsible parents but I am worried for the child.
There are other issues as well but nothing else illegal although morally wrong so I'm not sure if SS will take it seriously.
FWIW the child is well cared for, although one other concern is smoking in front of the child who has asthma.
I have tried talking to the mother but I think she just thinks I'm interfering and tells me that all the HCP haven't a clue what they are talking about and there is no danger.
WWYD?

OP posts:
Memoo · 11/01/2011 12:42

If they are not smoking it around the child then yabu

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 12:43

Er, YABU. You're going on info from the father? Is he still with the mother? He's obviously not so concerned as to do something himself Hmm

Ladymuck · 11/01/2011 12:43

Would you report them if they regularly drank alcohol?

Original poster
RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 12:45

Yes he is still with the mother and has on occasion done it himself but always when the child is in bed, not when he is taking care of the child during the day.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 12:46

Do you know this for definite. Can you prove it. Do you feel that this child will be better off in the foster care system then with their parents as ultimately if someone involves social services this can possibly happen. Do you feel that if ss get involved, the mother is prosecuted and and loses her daughter, that little girl will thank you for it one day.

NOONE but you can decide if this is a matter for social services, although to be honest I can understand why you are concerned but I think we are a bit too quick to call the social in this country to "force" parents to change their behaviour without really considering what the consequences could be and social services are really there for. They exist for children at risk of serious harm and or neglect from those meant to be caring for them. If you feel that these parents fit that criteria then call them but just be aware of what the consequences of that decision could be.

NorwegianMoon · 11/01/2011 12:46

please dont report her to ss.

would you report if it were just cigerettes? what extra harm do u think there is because its weed?
mum dousnt smoke in the same room as the child-thats good. the child has access to the room when mum isnt smoking-what harm occurs then?

presumably the child isnt eating hash cakes? mum only smokes when child isnt in the room-whats the problem?

you are not the morality police, what good will come of you telling tales? what do u want to happen? ss to take child away? how would that do any good to that family?

you are bang out of order and need to fuck right off. if you call and anything happens, mum and dad will know exactly who rang and would have every right to cause you some serious harm

get another hobby

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 11/01/2011 12:47

YABU "The child is well cared for"

end of!

Ladymuck · 11/01/2011 12:48

Or at least, what outcome are you hoping for?

SS aren't going to interfere where a child is thriving. Do you really want to have the child removed and put into care? Do you think that the child would be better off in our care system than with the parent?

You have to consider the balance of influence in the child's life. 10% of people are great parents, most are ok parents. Some are harmful parents.

Smoking weed when the kid is around doesn't strike me as sufficient on its own to be cause to get SS involved. If the child is hungry, not clothes appropriately, heavily soiled, not walking or talking or meeting developmental milestones - then it might be time to call them.

valiumredhead · 11/01/2011 12:49

I'm sure I'm being really dim, but what's a 'high parent' ? Blush

Is the child well cared for from what you can see?

pinkthechaffinch · 11/01/2011 12:49

YANBU, what kind of parent smokes weed in the same house as a child.

An irresponsible, feckless one, that's what. A visit from SS might be just what the mum needs to buck up her ideas.

valiumredhead · 11/01/2011 12:50

Oh sorry - doh! I got it Blush

prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 12:50

valium I think she means a parent "high on drugs". She did say that the child is clearly well cared for otherwise.

Original poster
RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 12:50

NorwegianMoon hence why I am asking here first to get some perspective so no need to get like that.

I'm glad people think being high in charge of a child is fine and smoking a cigeratte in front of a child with asthma is a suitable enviroment.

I smoke myself so it isn't an anti-smoking thread at all, but I would never smoke with my DC's in the room or even in the house.

OP posts:
Starbuck999 · 11/01/2011 12:51

If child is "well cared for" then YABU

SS are not going to get involved because a parent smokes, even if it is smoking weed.

Plenty of parents have a bottle of wine in the evenings, so as long as she isnt getting wrecked and stoned she will probably be just as capable of parenting after some weed as others are after a couple of glasses of wine.

NorwegianMoon · 11/01/2011 12:51

the same kind of parent who drinks in the same house as her child or who smokes ciggies in front of her child.

obviously?

prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 12:51

pink ss are not the childcare police. There is a real perception issue of thier role in this country. They dont exist to "check" we are all parenting well they exist for the children MOST AT RISK OF SERIOUS HARM OR NEGLECT. I totally dont agree with smoking dope in the presence of a child at any point in the day, in any room of the house for any reason but I really dont see how SS can help here.

valiumredhead · 11/01/2011 12:52

I agree with Ladymuck's last paragraph in her 12:48 post.

prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 12:53

valium me too. Very sensible advice indeed.

Starbuck999 · 11/01/2011 12:53

Raven, smoking in the same house as a child isnt nice, but it's not bad enough for social services to get involved.

I dont think it's right to enforce strict religious beliefs or eating habits such as strict veganism on kids, however that is my view and SS wouldnt care..

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 12:53

Agree that smoking anything around DC's is not a good parenting decision, but not a cause to phone social services and have a family destroyed. Catsbum mouth all you like, feel superior if you must, but don't call SS unless the child is being neglected or abused.

NorwegianMoon · 11/01/2011 12:54

how do you know shes even high? i thought the child was in another room when she smokes? if thats what your really concerned about (obviously not though) why dont you say that the smoke stays in the house and might encourage the asthma why dousnt mum have her spliff in the garden instead?

EricNorthmansMistress · 11/01/2011 12:55

Echo Prettyfly

Social services do not have the time, inclination or remit to pop over and tell off parents who are doing things that are less than ideal. Smoking round DCs is selfish and lazy, but so are many many parenting choices that people make. Social services are not there to come and tell you off. Health visitors etc have the remit of addressing poor parenting that does not place the child at risk of significant harm, and parents have the right to ignore them.

The child is not at risk of serious harm, end of discussion.

Original poster
RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 13:02

NorwegianMoon, she smokes her weed in another room but not cigerattes, I have spoken to her don't get me wrong I'm not trying to jump in the deep end and get her child taken away but thought that she may listen to them as she doesn't me, She doesn't believe smoking is harmful to children, even ones with asthma.
I have been there on a few occassions when she is high (I drop in shopping once a week) and yes her child is looked after but I do worry at the risks, she is the sort who goes in a trance when stoned and has easily forgotten that she had the oven on, left the cleaning cubord open etc, the house isn't babyproofed so the child could quite easily access it.

OP posts:
cobbledtogether · 11/01/2011 13:03

YABU

If the child is loved and cared for, then why the hell would you want to involve SS?

If you had witnessed neglect or seen the mother put her child at serious risk by smoking weed, then that's one thing, but you've not. You have only been TOLD that that the mother smokes weed in the house and you say yourself that the child is well cared for.

No, I don't rate parents who smoke around children with Asthma, but I also don't rate people who decide to involve social services in the life of a family based on heresay.

valiumredhead · 11/01/2011 13:07

So she's stoned in the day Raven when you drop shopping in?

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