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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in making a report to SS?

53 replies

RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 12:40

Someone I know (very close relative) has a little girl of 18mths old and I have been told by the father that his wife smokes weed in the house although not in the same room as her child, the child has free access to the room when it isn't being smoked, I think this is really wrong as well as illegal and I don't think it is safe to have a high parent responsible for a young child.
I know it sounds judgy and I could be mistaken and high parents make very responsible parents but I am worried for the child.
There are other issues as well but nothing else illegal although morally wrong so I'm not sure if SS will take it seriously.
FWIW the child is well cared for, although one other concern is smoking in front of the child who has asthma.
I have tried talking to the mother but I think she just thinks I'm interfering and tells me that all the HCP haven't a clue what they are talking about and there is no danger.
WWYD?

OP posts:

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 13:08

In your OP you say that the father ahs told you this info, and now you've seen it with your own eyes? The two situations are very different.

Ihavebeencreditcrunched · 11/01/2011 13:08

I don't smoke...drink...take drugs so my reply is not based on pro/anti smoking/drugs.

You have a right to an unvoiced opinion on other peoples lives/parenting etc but their behaviour/parenting style does not become your business unless you are aware of it causing damage to others by neglect or abuse.

Personal choices as pper mentioned.. religion, diet, discipline, un-schooling etc should not be dictated by you...or the government.

prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 13:10

Raven your later post gave an entirely different view to your first one. You originally said that the father TOLD you about it, now you have said you have been round there and she is off her face and leaving electrics on etc while the child could be doing anything. IF this is the truth and your op was misleading, then yes I think that social services may be a relevant call, the child is clearly at risk but I do mean IF this is true. Its a bit odd to say one thing then totally contradict yourself.

cobbledtogether · 11/01/2011 13:17

Make up your mind OP, you were either told by the father or have seen it with your own eyes.

wayoftheworld · 11/01/2011 13:18

I would question your motives for reporting to SS. How close are you really with the mother? Do you know the reasons that she smokes? How is her family life? Are you having an affair with her husband??? Is he supplying the drugs?

Try and find out what is going on in her life, spend time with her, take a GENUINE interest in her. You might than discover whether you care about her or not!!!

NorwegianMoon · 11/01/2011 13:24

so has she actually left vthe oven on when high or are you worried she might?

ive left the oven on, are you going to report me too?

if you report her i hope you report every person who has a glass of wine or a fag around their child.

yabu for even considering reporting her.

Original poster

RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 13:24

Sorry yes the father told me about it a few weeks back, I then started taking shopping round once a week, on several occasions I would believe she is stoned (I smell weed and she looks/acts it) although not every week. I have noticed the oven was on and the cuboard open while putting shopping away and mentioned it and she got panicky telling me she couldn't have forgotten, very anxious. I am only asking out of concern, not malice.

OP posts:

loopylou6 · 11/01/2011 13:25

Someone who has had a spliff is not 'off their face' would you call SS for someone getting tipsy off alcohol? its the same effect.

Grandhighpoohba · 11/01/2011 13:29

SS will not get involved in this - as someone said above, they are there to protect children at serious risk, they do not have the time or manpower to enforce perfect parenting. And nor should they. If you really feel you must do something, then speak to the health visitor with your concerns so that they are aware of them and can keep an eye on the situation, and factor that in should the situation deteriorate.

The bottom line is that if the child is thriving, then the state should not interfere.

Thecatshatonthemat · 11/01/2011 13:30

Hmm YABU. The child you say is well cared for. Drugs you say are not being smoked in front of the child. The child is not being seriously neglected, starved, abused. It is not illegal to smoke cigarettes and whilst it is horrible she smokes normal cigs around her asthmatic child, being a selfish numpty in doing so isnt illegal or an issue for SS.
IInfact reporting this to an overstretched, understaffed SS is out of order, your allegation based on hearsay of smoking cannabis in another room away from the child takes a valuable resource away from a child who is abused and in need of urgent help.
Get a grip op you are not the morality, parenting police.

Thecatshatonthemat · 11/01/2011 13:32

Also OP I enjoyed a rather nice bottle of Prosecco last night, all to myself, highly enjoyed and I was tipsy. My DS was in bed asleep report me to ss why don't you.

GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 13:33

I can understand your concern, someone I used to know (before I had children of my own) used to be stoned during the day, sometimes more so than others, sometimes (rarely though) I really don't think she would have known whether her toddler dd was even there.

Thankfully she had a friend who used to call in every week day 'as she was passing' and often offer to take the child out shopping with her - she was definitely checking up on her.

Turned out she was depressed (for a number of reasons) she saw a counsellor and really sorted herself out.

Her own Mum (who was the cause of a good deal of her stress) threatened to take the children from her because of the smoking, - actually it gave he the kick up the arse she needed, - best thing her Mum ever did for her tbh.

Ladymuck · 11/01/2011 13:34

And again I ask - what do you think that SS will do, and is this the outcome that you want. SS will and can do nothing about the mother's behaviour. They will check to see that the child is ok, and have to waste time writing up reports. Worse case the child is removed and put into care.

I don't know where you are but here in London social workers are struggling to keep up with their caseloads, which comprise children who are in real danger. Please don't waste their time on this. I can only assume that you want to deliver a shock to your close relative by sending in SS. To be honest I think that that is a waste of SS's time, and I hope that they tell you so. But what happens if your plan backfired and the child removed to a worse situation? Do you really think that this child would be better off with a stranger than with her mother?

I can only assume that you haven't come across any serious neglect cases. You are therefore lucky and rather naive.

prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 13:37

I agree with the others in the main. With your description of what you have seen I dont think ss are really going to improve the situation however I have to be honest if we are going down the "glass of wine" route, if I popped to a friends at lunch time and she was tipsy or a bit lapse I would be worried. I would keep an eye, try popping round a little more, talk to the health visitor about it and watch over time. If it got worse I would reconsider.

GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 13:41

sorry, I went and posted and hadn't finished yet.

I meant to say she was an excellent and very loving Mum, the children were clean, tidy and well fed, never late for school etc, - and her home was tidier than mine

There were just some times when she just wasn't coping and she needed a crutch.

Perhaps you could get closer to this Mum and be her guardian while she needs it?

Original poster

RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 13:42

Ladymuck, I have never dealt with SS before but to be honest I was hoping someone offical could talk to her and give her a kick up the bum.
She may be depressed but I don't know her that well, I have tried for the sake of my male relative but we do clash in every sense.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 13:43

lady that just isnt how social services work, they are not there for policing parents they are just too busy for that. You either need to decide to help and keep watch or you need to step away from this situation.

NorwegianMoon · 11/01/2011 13:47

why would you think she was depressed? not all people who take drugs have a problem some just shock horror enjoy it.

are you depressed when you have wine? or a fag when you are stressed, it dousnt mean you have a problem.

if her own husband dousnt think there is a problem and he will know best i think you are being silly even considering involving ss

i think its you that needs a kick up the bum, focus on your kids not her well cared for an loved child in a secure and happy home

GwynAndBearIt · 11/01/2011 13:48

Agree with prettyfly, also is there anyway you (or even better her dh) can get one of her friends to look in on her without appearing to interfere ?

And what were the other "not illegal" issues you were concerned about?

prettyfly1 · 11/01/2011 13:51

sorry I meant raven btw

monkeyflippers · 11/01/2011 13:52

I've never done weed so am not sure how much it affects a person. Is it similar to having had a couple of glasses of wine for example?

If someone in charge of a child was constantly tipsy then I don't think that would be great. It sounds like a frequent habit to me as you say you have noticed when popping round so it does concern me a little. If it were once a week when child was in bed that would be different.

Can't help but think people are being harsh to the OP as she is only expressing concern and getting advice about it.

Original poster

RavenHairedPrincess · 11/01/2011 14:05

Prettyfly, I didn't relise that they weren't able to help, hence why I was asking on here.
Lady I never said she was depressed, she may be I don't know, it was a response to another post asking if she was.
Monkey I also wouldn't care if the child was in bed that's down to her, I'm only concerned about the child.
Her DH has spoken to her and me thats why I take the shopping round, to try and get to know her and help, but we don't seem to get on well.

OP posts:

malovitt · 11/01/2011 14:06

OP, maybe you should try to tackle your nicotine addiction for your own children's sake first before you start interfering in the lives of others.

MrsPennySworth · 11/01/2011 14:08

I can understand you're worry. But, if your number one concern is the child then you have to think about how reporting her mother to social services will actually affect her life.

I'm almost certain they are not going to remove the child anyway, but if they did, do you think you would have made that child's life better or worse?

I'm thinking a lot lot worse op. There are lots of children that really do need protecting but she doesnt sound like one of them to me.

MrsPennySworth · 11/01/2011 14:10

"your"

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