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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dp should man up and communicate with his ex to tell their DD he is getting married again?

81 replies

superv1xen · 11/01/2011 09:25

ok brief background, dp married before, bad break up 4 years ago, he has a 14 YO dd with XW, we have now been together about 3 years and have a 19 MO DD together. his relationship with his DD has always been very strained since the break up (due to XW doing her best to turn her against him) and when she found out i was PG with our DD, his older DD refused to see him or speak to him at all :( and doesn't want to meet me or her half sister. however in the last year or so, they have started talking again via text and msn etc although she still doesn't want to see him yet at least they are talking.

we get married 3 weeks on saturday. he knows he has got to tell his DD he is getting married and he is going to write her a letter to tell her. he doesn't think she will care (and she certainly won't be happy) but there is no way that he can't tell her, as it would devastate her if she found out later down the line he had got married and not told her.

but i think he needs to speak to XW first to get an idea of how best to broach the subject, before he goes wading in with a letter out of the blue. maybe it would be better coming from her mum, or maybe her mum has a better idea of how to tell her. as her mum will know her far better than DP does now. but he doesn't want to speak to his ex as they don't get on (to put it mildly) but i think he needs to put that to one side for the sake of his daughter's feelings.

what do other people think? how should he deal with this?

OP posts:
TheGrumpalo · 11/01/2011 09:28

I take it she's not invited to the wedding? Would the letter just inform her about it or invite her?

LadyBiscuit · 11/01/2011 09:29

I think he should invite his DD to the wedding. She is very unlikely to come but I think he really needs to make it clear to her that she is welcome to participate as his other daughter in his new life whenever she chooses. And yes, speaking to his exW about how best to broach it with his other DD is a good idea, even if relations between them are tense.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 09:29

I think he is cutting it rather fine and should just bloody get on with it, one way or the other, tbh

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/01/2011 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CamelToeAndWine · 11/01/2011 09:38

What SGM said.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/01/2011 09:38

i deffo agree anyfucker cant believe he has left it till now tbh. although it hasnt been booked for that long.

she definitely wouldn't come if he asked her, but i thought he should invite her as well, but thought it sounded too mad to even post here, let alone say to him :(

also, he hasnt got a phone number for his ex. but i am pretty sure he could get hold of one Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 09:42

yes, he could easily find a number for his ex

he is being a shitleg, sorry

I would actually be very angry and disappointed with him hat he hadn't orted this already

he is a grown man, tell him to get it done today the bloody coward

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 09:43

so, it hasn't been booked long

then telling his dd should have been one of the first things he did

Takeresponsibility · 11/01/2011 09:46

My God why have you left it so late? She should have been invited and given a central role. I imagine her anger is fuelled by the fact that in her eyes Dad has left her Mum and replaced her with you, she helrself is feeling replaced by the baby and now Dad is completely separating himself from her family unit and making yours stronger (don't lets get distracted by that argument please this is about a 14 year old girl) by marriage.

What this girl needs is to show her she now has two families Mums and Dads and that she is equally a part of both. She needs inclusion not exclusion.

Her Dad and you should write her a joint letter inviting her and a friend (she will need support) as guests of honour to the wedding. Don't do it via Mum, if Mum and Dad don't get on then Mums attitude to the wedding is unlikely to be positive.

You should stress in the letter that this is a special occasion and that you would love her to attend, that she is a special guest etc. It is now up to both her Dad and you to make her feel welcome in your family unit nad everything you write/say/do must emphasise that.

If the relationship does get back on track thaen you will have to accept that Dad will need to spend some special time with his daughter to mend their bond, as well as family time where all four of you are included. This special time will need to be just him and her doing stuff she wants to do.

As AF says it has to be done, and it has to be done NOW. It wouldalso be courteous for his ex wife to hear fropm him that he is remarrying and not to lay that burden on the ddaughter.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 11/01/2011 09:50

Agree with everyone else. He should have told and invited his DD as soon as the wedding was booked. Three weeks isn't giving her a lot of time to get used to the idea, is it? Poor girl.

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/01/2011 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theevildead2 · 11/01/2011 09:51

I think he should ring the daughter directly and ask her to be a part of the wedding, she'll proababy say no anyway so no harm done.

I woudln't write or call the mother first in case she really is trying to spoil their relationship. But tell the daughter and then IMMIDIATLY tell the mother, on the same phone call so she doesnt hear it second hand

onadifferentplanettoday · 11/01/2011 09:58

I agree with Stewie, my two sons 12 and 15 have very little contact with their father and recently discovered he had got married again when oldest ds saw his wedding photos on facebook! Now they refuse totally to have anything to do with him,

missmehalia · 11/01/2011 09:59

Let them both know as soon as possible. Don't ask for XP's advice on how to tell DD, she'll only get angry and say he should grow up, or something similar. There are clearly issues here about moving on. I think he should tell them together.

He can afford to be tactful and gentle here, really. It will affect them both. It also avoids having to deal with any histrionics or personal questions from either of them if he tells them together.

He can say to DD in front of XP that it would mean an awful lot to him if she came along, as she is as much part of that new family forming as his 2nd DD (crucial line), and it's a family occasion. However, avoid putting pressure on her to attend. There may be lots of ups and downs before the day itself, and older DD may need lots of reassurance that he really does want her there. Offer for her to bring one of her friends along with her for moral support! (V important, I'd have hated to have gone to my dad's wedding at that age. I DID go to my dad's wedding as an adult, and it was still a bit weird, though I was happy for him.)

Keep her in the loop with plans, and involve her if she seems willing. Again, she may react very badly (that's my prediction, actually) but you don't have to react badly to her - just let him spend a bit of time with DD alone so she feel reassured, even if she decides not to come. It actually may not matter too much in the long term, but how your DP handles it could be crucial.

BreconBeBuggered · 11/01/2011 10:03

He hasn't invited his DAUGHTER to his WEDDING????? What's going on in your DP's mind? What's he afraid of that can be avoided by sticking his head in the sand?

Slambang · 11/01/2011 10:07

She may be devastated, she definitely wont come to the wedding BUT if your dp doesn't invite her she will never ever forgive or forget. If he doesn't invite her the clear message is 'you are so insignificant in my life now that I have a new replacement wife and dd that you are even less imprtant to me than anyone else who attends the wedding.

Invite, accept her possibly negative reaction and hope that one day when she is a grown up she will look on it with adult eyes and realise that her dad did care.

missmehalia · 11/01/2011 10:09

PS I imagine that XP could be mightily annoyed by all this, and may lean on DD to be 'loyal' to her by not attending. However, if your DP says the same things to them both, then XP has far less power in trying to pressurise DD. DD needs to know that she means as much to him as his new baby does. It's evident that it hurt her a lot that he has another child. Yes, I know, whether or not she's reasonable to feel like this is subject to question, but it is as it is.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 10:09

am about to go out but this thread is playing on my mind

SV...he must speak to his daughter today and if he doesn't I think he is telling you something here about what kind of man he is

sorry

maktaitai · 11/01/2011 10:10

God almighty. I have to say I would postpone the wedding. Three weeks??

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/01/2011 10:10

onadifferentplanet good grief, thats awful, your poor sons, it must have been terrible for them to find out like that :( your ex sounds a real prize Hmm (sorry)

i agree with everything people have written. now to try and convince dp.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 11/01/2011 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theevildead2 · 11/01/2011 11:03

OP just tell him you won't marry him until he's told his daughter.

By not telling her he is ensuring she will hate YOU for ever

StormInaCCup · 11/01/2011 11:25

Goodness me, how have you both let it get to this?

My Mum and Dad split up when I was 9y/o and my mum remarried about 3/4 months afterwards. It was a bit of a whirlwind romance (they hadn't been seeing each other before) and as my step dad had two DCs who were also dealing with the fall out of his divorce he and my mum decided to get married without telling any of us.

We have a great relationship now, but for many many years I was very distrustful and hurt about it. I still don't know why they could now have waited and given their children a little bit longer to get used to the idea before they tied the knot - I privately think it was and is a very selfish thing to do.

Unless you are happy for the situation to remain the same you need to start making a real effort with this girl and try and integrate her into your lives. Give her a little more time and try and get to know her, and let her get to know you and DD before you take the plunge, otherwise I can imagine that you won't see her/ hear from her again.

This might actually be what you want, but I suspect that your DH will be heartbroken.

ChinaCup · 11/01/2011 11:26

Agree with eveyone who has said that she should have been invited when the wedding was first booked. If he doesn't do this she will have all the proof she needs to convince herself that he doesn't care and he will have lost her. If he doesn't do it today then send her an invitation yourself - and offer to pay for her wedding outfit if she decides to come.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/01/2011 11:37

storm how can you suggest that i would want for us never to see or hear from her again? i want her in our lives, but if she can't be in all of our lives then i at least want her in DP's.

am going to show dp this thread later.

thanks for all the replies. x

OP posts: