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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my dp should man up and communicate with his ex to tell their DD he is getting married again?

81 replies

superv1xen · 11/01/2011 09:25

ok brief background, dp married before, bad break up 4 years ago, he has a 14 YO dd with XW, we have now been together about 3 years and have a 19 MO DD together. his relationship with his DD has always been very strained since the break up (due to XW doing her best to turn her against him) and when she found out i was PG with our DD, his older DD refused to see him or speak to him at all :( and doesn't want to meet me or her half sister. however in the last year or so, they have started talking again via text and msn etc although she still doesn't want to see him yet at least they are talking.

we get married 3 weeks on saturday. he knows he has got to tell his DD he is getting married and he is going to write her a letter to tell her. he doesn't think she will care (and she certainly won't be happy) but there is no way that he can't tell her, as it would devastate her if she found out later down the line he had got married and not told her.

but i think he needs to speak to XW first to get an idea of how best to broach the subject, before he goes wading in with a letter out of the blue. maybe it would be better coming from her mum, or maybe her mum has a better idea of how to tell her. as her mum will know her far better than DP does now. but he doesn't want to speak to his ex as they don't get on (to put it mildly) but i think he needs to put that to one side for the sake of his daughter's feelings.

what do other people think? how should he deal with this?

OP posts:
sarahitaly · 11/01/2011 11:41

Yes he should tell her. My relationship with my father was very similar to the situation you described between the daughter and father in your post. My father kept quiet. His new wife decided to let me know by sending a letter , addressed to herself, to me, at one of my first jobs, where I promptly fell apart.

While I'm sure you wouldn't do that, there may well be somebody who would find a way to let her know, or she could find out by accident.

When I discovered that he had effectively confirmed that I couldn't trust him to be honest, I ended the relationship immediately and never saw my father again.

re this "(due to XW doing her best to turn her against him)"

May well be true. I know my own mother did her damnedest to lay all blame, for everything, plus many other fabrications about what happened next, entirely at my father's door. So he had every right to claim that it wasn't as black and white as it had been presented to me. However it became a refuge for him to avoid taking any responsibility at all for the part he played in the break up and many of his actions afterwords. "Your mother is poisoning your mind against me" became a mantra and a shield against taking responsibility for what he DID do wrong. His inability to face up to my justifiable anger and disappointment was a huge barrier. Even if his new wife hadn't forced the issue I still think any relationship was at risk of imploding on that basis alone.

For all his former wife's bias, his daughter isn't entirely off the mark in being wary of trusting him and finding it hard to get past her anger. He is proving by his current choices that he doesn't naturally select openness and honesty with the people he has a significant relationship with. Something she is demonstrating that she is aware of by the rocky state of their relationship.

He is the adult, she is the child. It is up to him to take risks that leave him open to having to deal with the reactions to his having moved on while she is still stuck in the aftermath of her family having fallen apart. But instead he has chosen to exacerbate her pain (cos she will find out eventually) setting her up for a huge sense of betrayal when it is revealed that he lied by omission. If that happens she is the biggest loser, because at that point she is more likely to believe every less than truthful thing her mother has to offer, compounding her anger, hurt and loss. Making her even more susceptible to emotional manipulation by another parent that can't prioritize the child.

Ask him if he'd die for her, and if he says yes, ask him how that can be true if he can't even take an emotional hit for her sake, in the name of causing her less harm and pain in the longer run.

As she grows and sees things through a more adult lens she will become ever more capable of seeing things from his perspective and forgive transgressions on the basis that all humans are flawed and you can't ask for perfect behavior, in every situation, particular high tension ones, all the time. Honesty gives a better chance on that coming to pass with their relationship at a point where rebuilding can take place. Dishonesty could leave both of them open to comprehension coming about when she no longer feels there is much point to salvaging the tattered wreck of their non-relationship.

Truckulente · 11/01/2011 11:48

Why the rush to get married?

pranma · 11/01/2011 11:53

They have been together 3 years and have a 19mnth old dd-that's not rushing-imho its not before time :)And he should definitely invite his dd and offer her a new outfit if she wants to come.

lizziemun · 11/01/2011 11:59

Yes he should speak to her about getting married.

Don't write a letter, my dad did to us and we were older in our early/mid twenties and to be honest it was just another reason to not have anything to do with him.

If he thinks so little of his daughter let her know before he gets married, even if she not invited it just appears he wants her to have nothing to do with the important things in his life.

To be honest we didn't have a great relationship before, but afterwards it was even worse.

ivykaty44 · 11/01/2011 12:05

At least give the daughter a chance to decide whether he wants to come to the marriage, leaving her out will only cause more problems in the future

sarahitaly · 11/01/2011 12:06

"Why the rush to get married?"

That actually is a good point. Since he has put off telling her to such a late point (making it ever less likely that he will find it in himself to tell her, because the nearer it is, the worse she'll take it and the harder it is for him to unleash the results of such a cowardly and unforgivable delay) perhaps the best plan would be to make a priority of her daughter. Reset the wedding date for some months away. So he can tell her now, remove the close timing element of the bombshell, give her time to adjust and then marry when she has had some time to process the concept and come to terms with it to a certain extent.

She may well not come, but when the event happens it will be far less shocking for her.

Although if he informs her by letter I wouldn't bank on that.

From her perspective he might as well write "utter coward, that would rather my child suffered where I don't have to see it" on his forehead and be done with it if he picks the letter option.

sarahitaly · 11/01/2011 12:15

punctuation fail.

her (daughter)

MissClavel · 11/01/2011 12:15

My dad got married without telling me when I was 14. I will never forgive him for it.

I was staying with him and my stepmother at the time for a couple of weeks in the school holidays, and they arranged for me to stay with a friend for a few days, without telling me why.

I found out when my friend and I bumped into them in town, dressed up in their smart gear, him with a carnation in his buttonhole. They did the whole 'oh we only had a few close friends at the registry office' bit.

Believe me, he MUST tell her. Everything other people have said - guest of honour, bring a friend, new dress. Please. I am shaking writing this because it takes me back to a very, very bad place indeed. x

sarahitaly · 11/01/2011 12:17

" I am shaking writing this because it takes me back to a very, very bad place indeed. x"

(puts arm around MissClavel, cos gets it)

MissClavel · 11/01/2011 12:19

sarahitaly - thank you :) (watery smile)

Thankfully life has moved on a very long way since then!

compo · 11/01/2011 12:22

Missclavel that is awful
I can't understand how people have children and then fail to see them as part of their family
op really couldn't you have done something before now? Convinced your dp before now? Writing letter is a crap idea. He needs to talk to his daughter

pleasechange · 11/01/2011 12:26

I can't imagine why he hasn't invited her to the wedding, it's bonkers and asking for trouble. A letter sounds silly to me - can't he just talk to her?

Unfortunately even now, if she is invited today, she will still feel like an afterthought (which she has been in this situation).

Don't see why he needs to talk to XP though - at 14 she is old enough to have a sensible conversation surely, and as others have said, if there is a bad relationship with XP already then I can't see how it would help (especially as you've left it so late and XP would probably, quite rightly, be annoyed at being put in the position)

sarahitaly · 11/01/2011 12:28

"Thankfully life has moved on a very long way since then!"

It does. I'm 42 and healed.

Unless I think about it happening to some other poor child and then I fly back to being a teenager again at warp speed nine.

Empathy can be really sodding painful.

That poor girl, currently walking around trying to deal with the current batch of pain and loss, unaware that somebody who is supposed to love her the most, is about to kick her so hard in the gut that it could take her a decade to recover and breath easy again.

StormInaCCup · 11/01/2011 12:41

Superv1xen sorry if I have offended you but I was playing devils advocate in the sense that this MAY be how your SD feels if you do actually go through with getting married without properly informing her/ involving her in the process.

It is a deeply personal subject to me as I felt like my SD can't have possibily wanted me in his and my mum's 'new life' as they apparently thought so little of me that they did it all in secret. If my Dad had been in a position to care for me properly I can see how I might have ended up living with him as a result and having nothing to do with my Mum and SD after that.

You might feel that my suggesting that you don't want SD in your life is unfair and hurtful but I am trying to get across to you how damaging and hurtful it is for her and what her perspective might be. I have been there and it is bloody awful.

monkeyflippers · 11/01/2011 13:09

She should be invited and asked if she wants to be a bridesmaid. I know they don't really see each other but an occasion like this could help build bridges. You could take her shopping (if she'll go) to get a pretty dress and do some bonding.

dittany · 11/01/2011 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superv1xen · 11/01/2011 15:30

dittany he has been attempting to maintain contact even when she doesn't reply, he still texts / msn's her to let her know he is available should she want to talk and to let her know he is thinking of her etc. i certainly don't blame it all on XW, they are both as bad as eachother in some ways tbh. and i totally agree with "he should be big enough to take rejection until his daughter was willing to re-establish the relationship" ...god knows i have said similar to him enough times over the years.

to the posters who have suggested inviting her to the wedding, do you not think that might infuriate her even more? (even if she doesn't come, which i am pretty sure she wouldn't)

also, it is only going to be a very small affair with just us, DC, and both sets of parents then a meal after (not saying that makes any difference but just that it isn't going to be a big white 20k do with a party etc)

OP posts:
RespectTheDoughnut · 11/01/2011 15:32

Definitely invite her. No doubt about that at all.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 15:33

you must still invite her

Takeresponsibility · 11/01/2011 15:38

She is his child just as much as DC is. Even more reason to invite her if it is only close family - she IS close family.

Oh and he needs to try and do it in person, if she won't see him then on the phone, if she won't answer than do the letter thing - I assumed she wouldn't talk to him on phone when I originally suggested inviting her in writing.

superv1xen · 11/01/2011 15:39

"She is his child just as much as DC is. Even more reason to invite her if it is only close family - she IS close family."

agree wholeheartedly.

OP posts:
pleasechange · 11/01/2011 15:42

So you're saying that it's a small affair with just close family, and this is a reason why she shouldn't be invited Hmm

Tolalola · 11/01/2011 15:43

You have to invite her. Should have asked her to be a bridesmaid or whatever, tbh.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 15:45

SV, you have been going along with this and you should not have done

how long has your wedding been booked ?

I understand you can't force a grown man to do something but bloody hell, what kind of bloke is he ?

clams · 11/01/2011 15:48

Oh my, the poor, poor girl. Please make your DP read sarahitaly's post. No excuses about a small wedding or a toxic xw, he must invite her this week if he wants to avoid grievously harming her. If he'd rather not to avoid an awkward conversation or 2 then he's a weasel I'm afraid.