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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dp should man up and communicate with his ex to tell their DD he is getting married again?

81 replies

superv1xen · 11/01/2011 09:25

ok brief background, dp married before, bad break up 4 years ago, he has a 14 YO dd with XW, we have now been together about 3 years and have a 19 MO DD together. his relationship with his DD has always been very strained since the break up (due to XW doing her best to turn her against him) and when she found out i was PG with our DD, his older DD refused to see him or speak to him at all :( and doesn't want to meet me or her half sister. however in the last year or so, they have started talking again via text and msn etc although she still doesn't want to see him yet at least they are talking.

we get married 3 weeks on saturday. he knows he has got to tell his DD he is getting married and he is going to write her a letter to tell her. he doesn't think she will care (and she certainly won't be happy) but there is no way that he can't tell her, as it would devastate her if she found out later down the line he had got married and not told her.

but i think he needs to speak to XW first to get an idea of how best to broach the subject, before he goes wading in with a letter out of the blue. maybe it would be better coming from her mum, or maybe her mum has a better idea of how to tell her. as her mum will know her far better than DP does now. but he doesn't want to speak to his ex as they don't get on (to put it mildly) but i think he needs to put that to one side for the sake of his daughter's feelings.

what do other people think? how should he deal with this?

OP posts:
LadyBiscuit · 11/01/2011 15:49

I agree with AnyFucker (and SarahItaly's posts). What message is he giving her if he doesn't invite her? Basically that she isn't part of his family :(

StewieGriffinsMom · 11/01/2011 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/01/2011 15:53

"SV, you have been going along with this and you should not have done"

i know, i am so annoyed with myself for not saying anything till now :( i guess i was waiting for him to deal with it as she is his daughter after all, i feel like i am being pushy. i have never met the girl so sadly i dont know her (as much i would like to) but i do care for her despite that. :(

tolalola no, i didnt mean that, sorry, i really am shit at getting my point across, i just meant it wasn't a big do, ie, a teenager would be more likely to want to come to a big party, i think is what i meant.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 15:57

ok, SV, kudos to you for accepting what I, and others, are saying

it isn't too late (but very nearly) to do this

you know she won't want to come, but you have to do it, tell her today and invite her

and I am saying you as in both of you

I don't think you have any excuse now to stand by and watch this disrespect of his daughter unfold before your very eyes

missmehalia · 11/01/2011 16:18

Well, without going hardline with anyone (there's enough of that going on!) you could quietly suggest that it gets put back to give DD a chance to digest everything and decide how much involvement she wants. And let her know that you've done it, so that she realises that she really does have an influence and that her feelings are important to both of you.

I don't think you should cancel it... or give her too much responsibility. Just let her know that she really is a huge part of it all.

And I really think it should come from HIM. Nothing else happens til he's had this chat with them both. We all avoid difficult stuff, but it's disrespectful to even consider doing anything else. It's shocking that he's put it off this long.. it's your wedding too!

pumperspumpkin · 11/01/2011 16:23

Better infuriated (if that's what happens) than hurt. You HAVE to invite her ("very small affair with just us, DC [but not her], and both sets of parents"? Nice).

allfurcoatandnoknicks · 11/01/2011 16:26

God when i saw the thread title i thought you were my exp's new wife!

They got married and my daughter didnt know anything about it till that morning! Was quite a shock for her as all his new wife's dc's knew about it before hand and been keeping it from her, she's 7 btw.

allfurcoatandnoknicks · 11/01/2011 16:28

'had' been keeping it from her.

emmyloulou · 11/01/2011 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/01/2011 16:42

oh god allfurcoat thats awful :( what happened in the end? how is she now?

emmy have PM'd you.

OP posts:
monkeyflippers · 11/01/2011 16:43

Whether or not being invited to the wedding infuriates her is neither here no there. He still had to invite her. You say it's only a small wedding but his parents are going to be there so his child should be as well.

I'll tell you what will infuriate her more then being invited to her dads wedding . . . it is spending the rest of her life knowing that she WASN'T invited to her dads wedding!

Seriously, there are no circumstances (well perhaps if she were an axe murderer) that she shouldn't be invited to her dads wedding. If you don't it will also confirm all the bad stuff her mum has said about her dad.

sarahitaly · 11/01/2011 17:00

"i know, i am so annoyed with myself for not saying anything till now i guess i was waiting for him to deal with it as she is his daughter after all, i feel like i am being pushy. i have never met the girl so sadly i dont know her (as much i would like to) but i do care for her despite that"

I can understand that, I've never been in your position, but I can see why a partner would be torn between respecting the boundaries of a parent\child relationship from a previous marriage and being vocal about their opinion of what their partner is doing.

I'm coming at this from the position that people do harm more because they can't work up the energy to face things and deal with them, they smother their emotions under a duvet of procrastination, rather than because they are evil. Unfortunately that is a habit forming exercise. You have two children who I sincerely hope are never caught up in a martial split. But should the worst happen they are at an increased risk of paternal rejection by the backdoor, because he has previous.

So I'd say that between a concern for the treatment of your own children in the hypothetical and wanting to give him an opportunity to get better habits as a consequence, and a very human sorrow for his daughter in reality, you have every right to make your feelings clear.

You gave him space, respected his boundaries, but he didn't do his bit. Time to try something different.

I'm furious right now with a man I've never met, nor will.

But where you are concerned my main reaction is that I wish my father's second wife had felt even fraction of the concern you've shown towards the off spring from his former relationship.

allfurcoatandnoknicks · 11/01/2011 17:00

Superv1xen yes it was bloody awful, she was happy at going to the wedding afterwards (which was in october) it is only now that she has started mentioning it again, along with other things she has noticed. She i starting to see him for what he really is with no help from me. She's very bright for her age.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/01/2011 17:27

allfur awww bless her :(

sarah definitely agree with the bit re some people can't face up to things rather than them being a bad person.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 18:46

have you spoken to dp yet ?

Lonnie · 11/01/2011 18:48

My Father married when I was 8 without telling me. I can remember being desperatly disapointed that I was not invited to be bridesmaid. I had met his 2nd wife once before they married.

I forgave him eventually.

He told me the 3rd 4th and 5th time He married Grin (for those of you wondering he is a widow now) I never went to any of his weddings by no 5 I was living in the UK and days off having given birth to my 3rd child. with no 3 I was 100's miles away and with no 4 they took off with 4 friends to marry.

it really didnt change our relationship as such.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/01/2011 19:57

haven't spoken to him yet AF, he is at work.

OP posts:
moulesvinrouge · 11/01/2011 20:53

SV I would just reiterate what other posters have said. My parents split up when I was nine, new wife had been the OW - I'd tried to keep seeing my dad, awkward but we were persevering, until he proudly showed me a picture of his 'lovely wedding' after the fact. I went completely cold and got very upset, our visit concluded and he never got in touch again, other than very, very occasionally and utterly half heartedly. I am now 36. Do help him to fix it now.

FakePlasticTrees · 11/01/2011 21:07

If it's just immediate family, cancel the wedding. Re-book it for at least a couple of months in the future.

If he has a number to text her, he can phone his DD on that number. She might dump the call to voicemail, but he can leave a message saying he's getting married and wants her to be a bridesmaid. He can call/text again.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2011 22:31

no update ?

wineandroses · 11/01/2011 23:50

Add my voice to the many others - please please do not go ahead with this wedding until your husband's daughter has been invited and has responded. How horrible for her that 3 weeks from the wedding she hasn't been invited. I have nieces and nephews who live with 'wife number 1' and brothers on second marriages. I would be outraged if any such child were excluded from any family event (never mind - OMG - a parent's wedding FFS!). If you don't fix this their relationship will be destroyed and the biggest loser will be the child.

Original poster
superv1xen · 12/01/2011 08:32

ok i have an update.

last night he read all the replies on here and has now decided to invite his DD. he is going to write to his XW and explain the situation; ie that he is getting married and would like her to be there. he is going to ask his XW if she thinks it would be better coming from him or from her and give her the option of which way she thinks best to deal with it. he doesn't think she will actually come to the wedding. (and neither do i)

he says he thinks his relationship will be destroyed with his DD whether he tells her about and invites her to the wedding or not. but that he knows that telling her is the right thing to do. but i don't agree, i think she will be upset when she finds out but eventually she will calm down, whereas if he kept it from her she would NEVER forgive him. (as lots of posters have experienced)

personally i still think that a letter is not the best way to go about it, i have told him this but he says he has no way of contacting his XW, she is ex-directory, the only number he has is for his DD and she doesn't answer when he calls and doesn't have a voicemail facility set up. the only other option i can see is for him to visit his ex but a) there is no guarantee she would answer the door and speak to him and b) it might upset his DD having him turn up out of the blue.

also, i forgot to add in my OP, his XW has someone else and seems settled, she has been with him a few years now so i don't know if this will make any difference to either her or her dd's reaction to the wedding.

OP posts:
sarahitaly · 12/01/2011 11:01

Well done you.

"he says he thinks his relationship will be destroyed with his DD whether he tells her about and invites her to the wedding or not."

But you have obviously been together for some time, so it's not like out of the blue and unbeknown to her he is starting a new family. AND there isn't that sense of outraged loyalty for the other parent who is alone and sad while the other one gaily skips of into a happy ever after, cos mum has started over too.

Upset and angry she might be, it's change, when you have had huge, nasty changes, all change can look scary and threatening. So I think you are more likely to right in this situation, and temporary upset by knowing in advance is a lot less damaging in the long term that a deliberate lie by omission.

I like the idea of running it by mum first, if mum can be relied upon to make her daughter the priority, any attempt to have her told in the first person with a pair of ready made loving arms is better than a lack of warning and the impersonal cold bucket of icy water shock that a letter can be.

crumpet · 12/01/2011 11:14

Is the DD still in touch with her grandparents (your DP's parents)? He could suggest that she has the option to attend the wedding with them - they could collect her and bring her to the venue - might be less daunting for her.

crumpet · 12/01/2011 11:16

And he needs to make clear from the outset who is invited - ie that it is just both sets of parents, and children.

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