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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have removed DD when H was shouting at her?

289 replies

HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:25

DD is six, and can be provocative/challenging in her behaviour - deliberately will full, if you will.

At dinner she poured (quite alot) of salt over her food, even when asked not to. Dh snapped at her then told her not to eat it, she then dipped food in it and continued eating (i.e, ignored him).

I know how frustrating it is to be ignored by children, but he began shouting at her. I asked him to leave it, but he continued, so I left the room as I didn't agree with him, but didn't want to undermine him. He wasn't continuously shouting, but his voice was raised.

I went upstairs and heard him tell her to finish her dinner - she then went behind his back (while he was loading the dishwasher) and threw most of her dinner in the bin. The entire thing wasn't covered in salt, so it was perfectly edible, and we don't really take kindly to wasting food.

DH lost the plot and began screaming at her, really loosing his temper & at this point I felt he was taking it too far, came back in the room and intervened. I took her out of the room, and told him that he was being a bully, and that he shouldn't scream at anyone like that. You wouldn't scream at your family or colleagues like that, so it's not OK to scream at a six year old like that :(

He told me to fuck off, I was very calm and took her upstairs and told her that although she must listen to him (re: food etc) its not OK for anyone to shout at her like that. She was really upset (which she can play up when getting told off, as all children do) and DD1 was also in tears. I could see they were both frightened.

DH has gone out - I assume not talking to me, and is obviously vexed that I undermined him as he feels she doesn't respect him,

My question is, did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
alicet · 11/01/2011 00:00

Are you talking to me mutznutz?

I just scream and shout about what they have done wrong. Cant remember specifically. Sometimes they get upset, sometimes not. My youngest is better at pressing my buttons and funnily enough shouting and getting cross upsets his older brother much more than it ever upsets him. I have never pushed / hit / done anything physical and this happens only occasionally.

When I know I have gone too far I take myself away for a couple of minutes to have a couple of deep breaths and calm down and then go back and tell them I was cross because of x and y and that was very naughty but that they didn't deserve for mummy to shout at them like I did. And I give them a cuddle and tell them that I love them very much and always love them even when I get cross. They seem to get it. And don't seem to be scarred by it or anything.

I must stress that this hardly ever happens and usually I am able to be calm and have warnings with clear consequences for what will happen if they carry on misbehaving and follow through. And that generally the boys are actually pretty well behaved. Just think that probably if most people are honest they have lost it in a similar way once or twice.

maras2 · 11/01/2011 00:02

You are not being anything but a good mum.He was well out of order;but why do you have a salt dispencer on your dining table when youngsters are eating with you?It will always be a distraction for them and they'll use it just to wind you up.Hope you're all friends now.

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 00:02

I think the best course of action would have been, when the husband was yelling and the daughter was misbehaving, say to the husband "xxx, please calm down" and to the daughter "you, get to your room as this will not be tolerated", as you have to be seen to be agreeing with him when she is misbehaving, even if you think he is going a bit OTT. From the sounds of it, he thinks you are too soft on her.

Most blokes who get home from work just want to sit down in peace and eat their dinner, just like anyone else would, and not have the dinner table turned into a battlefield.

Sothisishowwedoitnow · 11/01/2011 00:04

but why do you have a salt dispencer on your dining table when youngsters are eating with you?It will always be a distraction for them and they'll use it just to wind you up"

Most sensible thing said on this thread Grin. Get rid of the salt OP!

reelingintheyears · 11/01/2011 00:05

charliesmummy..
sounds just right.

Sothisishowwedoitnow · 11/01/2011 00:06

Most blokes who get home from work just want to sit down in peace and eat their dinner, just like anyone else would, and not have the dinner table turned into a battlefield."

WTF? Have you been studying the 1950's guide to being a Housewife charliesmommy?

Original poster
HarryDan · 11/01/2011 00:06

yes, i'm sure that will solve all of my parenting problems.

Thanks for that useful bit of advice! :o

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryDan · 11/01/2011 00:07

^ that was re: getting rid of the salt dispenser, btw!

OP posts:
PiccalilliShinpads · 11/01/2011 00:08

Havent read the whole thread but ...for the love of God where do some folk get that the dad is a bully? The man lost it for a moment and shouted at his kid ...doesnt make him a bad man or a bully

OP you were right to remove your child from the room and explain that daddy didnt mean to shout that much ..it doesnt make you the weaker parent

Good luck OP with your child ..mine are spirited and have their tantrums too and me and my husband have different ways to deal with them but we are still united after 21 yrs of parenting in saying that a good talk and a big hug heals all ...most of the time ;)

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 00:10

It wasnt all that bad in the 1950's you know.. Wink that was a 1980's household for me growing up.

Its also a 2011 household now too.. my OH has a demanding job, works 12 hours a day, and just wants to sit down for an hour, eat his dinner and chill out when he gets home.

My stepson is exactly the same, and his daughter has usually been fed, and is happily busy doing something else when he gets in from work. He eats his dinner, winds down, and then spends an hour with her, baths her, and reads her story to her..

Give and take usually goes a long way I find.

alicet · 11/01/2011 00:11

Suggesting removing the salt dispenser is not the answer. The OPs dd is 6 ffs not a baby. She needs to learn that when she is asked not to touch something she doesn't. My 3 year old gets this (well most of the time anyway).

The issue is about finding a way of disciplining her that both the OP and her dh can do consistently as a united front so that neither of them feel like they are losing control.

This is not a dig by the way OP. I am not perfect and neither is my dh and every few months or so something similar will happen in our house and we both take a step back and then talk about how we are going to approach things together. Sometimes there is an argument and sometimes not. But while removing the salt would sort out this particular issue out if their dd is intent on pushing the boundaries the issue will just be over something else.

Dansmommy · 11/01/2011 00:12

I had to lol at the salt dispenser advice too!
Sounds like something my mother would say in defence of her 'perfect' grandsons...
Me: DS has gone to his room for setting fire to the cat.
Her: I told you cats were trouble!

(Disclaimer: this didn't actually happen Grin)

alicet · 11/01/2011 00:12

Dansmommy great minds Grin

reelingintheyears · 11/01/2011 00:13

Sothisishoww.........
can't be arsed

Take the freaking salt away.

Tell the child to behave herself and sit down properly.

Stick up for your DH.

Discuss problems with DCS behaviour once they have gone to bed.

mutznutz · 11/01/2011 00:15

Alicet No I was talking to the OP xx

See, if you admit to over reacting too and then apologising...perhaps he would have done the same thing when he calmed down. But because you and he had a disagreement over it he ended up storming out. He probably needs to just calm down.

Sorry but there is no way on earth I would remove the salt pot from the table...tables have condiments on them. If a child of six is told not to touch or use them then they should learn that.

Original poster
HarryDan · 11/01/2011 00:15

Dans, thank you, you've made me smile.

BTW, this is my first thread on here & it wasn't as scary as I'd thought. (Well, it was abit, but smiling at the end of it, so it can't be all bad!)

OP posts:
PiccalilliShinpads · 11/01/2011 00:26

but why have condiments on the table at all if the child isn't allowed to use them ....if you are sitting around a family table and the child sees you using them - of course they are going to want to use them!

You teach your children by your own actions......only option is to season your food before you get to the table - simples ;) lol

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 00:29

If you had a bottle of wine on the table would you expect the child to help itself to a glass.

How difficult is it to say to a child "no, children can not have salt"

I know I said remove the salt in an earlier post, and that would be a temporary thing just to remove the trigger for the next few nights.

alicet · 11/01/2011 00:31

Piccallilishinpads you are right that removing the salt would mean that this particular issue wouldn't have arisen.

But I think this is spectacularly missing the point. The OP and her Dh need a strategy to deal with bad behaviour that they can present as a united front. If it wasn't this then it would be something else. Children (imho) don't just tend to do one naughty thing and that only. They push and push and push your buttons and their boundaries to see what they can get away with.

OP hope you and your dh can sleep on it and come up with something that works for you. Having a strategy puts you right back in control and makes it much less likely that you will lose your rag (or it does for me and my dh anyway)

reelingintheyears · 11/01/2011 00:33

YUP

Boring,but just say NO.

PiccalilliShinpads · 11/01/2011 00:34

umm no I wouldnt allow my child to drink alcohol because its sitting on the table but you dont have to be 18 to drink salt ;)...that would be very silly ...but it everyone is adding salt to their food as a matter of course then of course I would be telling them that they shouldnt ...unless the food was tasteless haha

mutznutz · 11/01/2011 00:35

PiccalilliShinpads Because the adults are allowed to use them??

Or are dinner tables only geared towards children now? No means 'no'...or at least it should do to a six year old. We're not talking about a 2yr old here but a child who is at school and as such, should really learn to do as she is told rather than what she is shown.

alicet · 11/01/2011 00:35

And I agree with whoever it was who said that tomorrow at tea time you and dh need to talk to her before hand and explain that her behaviour yesterday wasn't acceptable and that tonight you expect X Y and Z and that if she doesn't do this then A and B will happen.

charliesmommy · 11/01/2011 00:38

You dont have to be 18 to drink alcohol in the house either. But parental responsibilty means that children dont normally get given it.

Salt is bad for children. They dont need it.

alicet · 11/01/2011 00:39

Sounds obvious so sorry if this sounds patronising but we have found that when we explain why we are asking certain things of the boys (and especially when it is things that we do and they can't' they are much more likely to do as we ask.

So 'dd I know daddy has salt on his dinner and you are not allowed but this is because too much salt can make children poorly whereas because daddy is bigger than you it doesn't affect him in this way' might help too. This is the explanation we give the boys about wine anyway.

When we are rushed and busy and don't bother to explain they are much more likely to persist with doing whatever it is we have asked them not to and almost always (although not always as they are not angels but inquisitive small boys!) when we explain why they listen