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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have removed DD when H was shouting at her?

289 replies

HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:25

DD is six, and can be provocative/challenging in her behaviour - deliberately will full, if you will.

At dinner she poured (quite alot) of salt over her food, even when asked not to. Dh snapped at her then told her not to eat it, she then dipped food in it and continued eating (i.e, ignored him).

I know how frustrating it is to be ignored by children, but he began shouting at her. I asked him to leave it, but he continued, so I left the room as I didn't agree with him, but didn't want to undermine him. He wasn't continuously shouting, but his voice was raised.

I went upstairs and heard him tell her to finish her dinner - she then went behind his back (while he was loading the dishwasher) and threw most of her dinner in the bin. The entire thing wasn't covered in salt, so it was perfectly edible, and we don't really take kindly to wasting food.

DH lost the plot and began screaming at her, really loosing his temper & at this point I felt he was taking it too far, came back in the room and intervened. I took her out of the room, and told him that he was being a bully, and that he shouldn't scream at anyone like that. You wouldn't scream at your family or colleagues like that, so it's not OK to scream at a six year old like that :(

He told me to fuck off, I was very calm and took her upstairs and told her that although she must listen to him (re: food etc) its not OK for anyone to shout at her like that. She was really upset (which she can play up when getting told off, as all children do) and DD1 was also in tears. I could see they were both frightened.

DH has gone out - I assume not talking to me, and is obviously vexed that I undermined him as he feels she doesn't respect him,

My question is, did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
edam · 10/01/2011 23:23

Right, so we have a 6yo who was being rather trying, well within the normal expected range of behaviour for a 6yo. And a grown man who bellowed and lost his self-control and frightened his children. And a mother who removed her child from the situation.

And some posters read this as it being all the child's fault or all the mother's fault? Whose behaviour was most extreme here, exactly? Because as far as I can see it's the adult who got angry and lost control...

QuickLookBusy · 10/01/2011 23:24

Just read your post at 22.58 &Harrydan where you said she did the same thing yeaterday!

No wonder your DH was so blooming cross. She is being really naughty.

You both need to speak to her before you sit down to eat tomorrow and tell her how you expect her to behave.

Dansmommy · 10/01/2011 23:26

Charliesmommy, just to be clear, I did say that the OP should leave him if he really is a bully. The point I was trying to make is that actually he sounds like a reasonable guy, so unless there's something OP's not telling us, I think she acted very badly, not him.

I agree 100% with those mentioning double standards. Too many people on here are militantly anti-men, giving true feminism a bad name imo.

mutznutz · 10/01/2011 23:27

It's certainly not in the 'normal expected age range of behaviour' in my opinion.

Why do people try to explain away naughty behaviour? She was told not to pour salt on her dinner...she disobeyed. She was told to eat her dinner and she put it in the bin...again disobedient.

Some parents will think that's 'normal' but I certainly don't and I wouldn't put up with it.

charliesmommy · 10/01/2011 23:30

When I was a kid, I was no angel.. and I would get told off, it wasnt until I got roared at that I took any notice.

I didnt grow up scarred for life because my Dad shouted at me.

The phrase "wait till your dad gets home" was often used.... because when he yelled, you knew you had been naughty.

He wasnt a bully.. but I had respect for him and knew if he yelled not to push it any further.

The husband was wrong to tell his wife to Fuck Off in front of the child..

Dansmommy · 10/01/2011 23:31

I think it is 'normal' in that children push boundaries and I wouldn't be writing her off just yet Wink. But it's not acceptable, no. She'd have been shouted at in this house too.

QuickLookBusy · 10/01/2011 23:33

It's the fact that she is messing about with salt that would make me cross.

Too much salt, even at one meal could give you tummy ache. Its not as if it was too many potatoes or that she was slurping her drink.

And the fact she did it yesterday, means it really needs to be dealt with. She obviously didn't learn any lessons yesterday or she wouldn't have repeated the behaviour.

earwicga · 10/01/2011 23:34

Good for you! You have just taught your two daughters that they shouldn't put with a man bullying them. A very valuable life lesson.

Your husband was inconsistent - he told her to not eat it, then screamed when she didn't and put it in the bin. I hope when he got back he felt guilty about screaming. We all do it from time to time as we're not robots. But not many of us defend it.

Dansmommy · 10/01/2011 23:37

Or if you look at it another way, she's taught them that they don't have to do what their Dad says, and if he gets cross mummy will sort it. A very different lesson.

It's hard to say whether it really was bullying without actually being there.

Sothisishowwedoitnow · 10/01/2011 23:45

Depends how often he does it really? Does it happen often OP?

TheSecondComing · 10/01/2011 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 23:47

gosh I have a headache now & so confused.

just went down, taking on board what folk have said on here, apologised for undermining him, think we both could have handled it better etc etc.

He just went off on one at me, as I'm patronising and just out to make him look bad in front of the kids.

I told him that I'm not perfect obv, but don't want her to be screamed at, and know I could have handled it better. He just got vexed at me, for calling him a bully in front of them

I told him I just wanted to be on the same page, and he said he wants to think about it (disipline) abit more.

Apparently this needs more work & is not going to be solved overnight.

OP posts:
mutznutz · 10/01/2011 23:48

Agrees totally with Charliesmommy

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 23:49

btw, agree with what another poster said about wishing she had a video camera.

I think he would be more understanding of why I reacted in the way I did, if he could see himself, a grown man, screaming at a small child :( (albeit, a naughty one - don't worry I havn't forgotten that bit).

OP posts:
mutznutz · 10/01/2011 23:50

I'd still be wound up too at being called a bully for telling my child off....perhaps you should both sleep on it for now.

alicet · 10/01/2011 23:50

I'm with Dansmommy and Spero. I have on occasion totally lost it with my 4 and 3 year old sons. I am not a bully. Most of the time I treat them with love care and gentleness and accept that small children try it on and push boundaries. Most of the time when they are being naughty they get time out or if they are messing about with their food get warned that if they continue the food will be taken away and they will get nothing else if they continue. And I wil lfollow through.

Sometimes though it is just the last straw / I am tired / work is stressing me out / any number of other factors and something they do just really presses my buttons and I lose my rag. I don't think this makes me a bad mum. I find it very upsetting when this happens but I think it makes me human not evil. And like the OP I always apologise to the boys when I know I have gone over the top. No harm in letting them know that their mum is human either imho.

And when dh does this too I back him up (even if I disagree - we dan discuss the small print later) and when it is clear he has got to the point where he is being ott or unreasonable then I try and diffuse it but asking him if he needs me to take over / to get away for a bit / etc and then calmly make the same points he was so he is not undermined. Dh does the same with me - thankfully it is rare that weboth lose it at once.

If he was a bully I wouldn't have any qualms about undermining him to protect my children. Neither would he especially as he grew up feeling terrified of his dad. But losing it every few months doens't make you bad.

Sothisishowwedoitnow · 10/01/2011 23:50

Well he sounds lovely OP Hmm. So you went down and apologised and tried to move this forward positively and he went off at you. Any apology for telling you to "Fuck Off" in front of dc? All your fault is it?

mutznutz · 10/01/2011 23:51

When you lose your temper, how does it manifest itself? I mean when you lose it to the extent you apologise and tell your children you were wrong?

Dansmommy · 10/01/2011 23:52

I think you're both right, tbh. You do need to be on the same page, and you do need to think more about discipline, by the sound of it. I think a happy medium is called for...if you don't agree with shouting, then you need a proper punishment that actually works.(What you did yesterday clearly didn't work, or she wouldn't have repeated the behaviour today.)

Dansmommy · 10/01/2011 23:54

Great post, Alicet. I agree with you completely.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 23:55

Just ranty Mutz - I am not generally a screamer but have shouted/snapped/overreacted to them before. If I feel that I was OTT, I will always explain to them afterwards a) why I was upset (the consequences of theor actions) and b) apologise if I feel I've gone too far.

I think you're right & gonna sleep on it. I guess no-one likes being called out not-so-great parenting. Ho hum.

OP posts:
Curiousmama · 10/01/2011 23:57

He sounds lovely Hmm

So sorry he's thrown this in your face Sad

I think some people have a strange idea of how to treat young children and other adults? Or maybe it being ok for others means it's ok for them?

Really hope you can sort this out soon OP, must be such a strain?

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 23:58

Sothisishow - I think this has been brewing for a while. I have been abit Hmm at his reactions to her of late, but tonight was the last straw for him I think.

I wanna move forward though, so hopefully tomorrow will be a fresh start and we can figure this out.

She has two parents who love her and want the best for her...we're not always perfect but we'll find a way to deal with this better, in future.

OP posts:
onmyfeet · 10/01/2011 23:59

Such rage over a child being cheeky seems like he needs some anger management. He handled that totally wrong. He may not like you acting "patronizing" but would he just stand there and watch you go postal on your child?

Sothisishowwedoitnow · 10/01/2011 23:59

I do scream and shout sometimes and I most certainly would NOT expect my kids father to "back me up" in it. If I am wrong, I am wrong and I don't expect blind loyalty. I think there are ways of doing it. You don't have to get into a big row about it in front of the kids but a quiet request for calm and then removal of dc from the situation if necessary seems the way forward to me. I honestly cannot see what lesson you are sending if you back someone up who has lost control and is frightening a child, YOUR child. How unsafe must those children feel?

Sometimes my kids Dad says stuff or tries to implement stuff I do not agree with but if it is important to him although petty to me then I will try to respect it and present a united front. However in a situation like this I think it is more dangerous for a child to get the message that the other parent is not going to do anything when there is a ranting, raving adult around because he is their Dad and they just have to accept it. Fastest way to turn parents into "The Enemy" imvho.