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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have removed DD when H was shouting at her?

289 replies

HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:25

DD is six, and can be provocative/challenging in her behaviour - deliberately will full, if you will.

At dinner she poured (quite alot) of salt over her food, even when asked not to. Dh snapped at her then told her not to eat it, she then dipped food in it and continued eating (i.e, ignored him).

I know how frustrating it is to be ignored by children, but he began shouting at her. I asked him to leave it, but he continued, so I left the room as I didn't agree with him, but didn't want to undermine him. He wasn't continuously shouting, but his voice was raised.

I went upstairs and heard him tell her to finish her dinner - she then went behind his back (while he was loading the dishwasher) and threw most of her dinner in the bin. The entire thing wasn't covered in salt, so it was perfectly edible, and we don't really take kindly to wasting food.

DH lost the plot and began screaming at her, really loosing his temper & at this point I felt he was taking it too far, came back in the room and intervened. I took her out of the room, and told him that he was being a bully, and that he shouldn't scream at anyone like that. You wouldn't scream at your family or colleagues like that, so it's not OK to scream at a six year old like that :(

He told me to fuck off, I was very calm and took her upstairs and told her that although she must listen to him (re: food etc) its not OK for anyone to shout at her like that. She was really upset (which she can play up when getting told off, as all children do) and DD1 was also in tears. I could see they were both frightened.

DH has gone out - I assume not talking to me, and is obviously vexed that I undermined him as he feels she doesn't respect him,

My question is, did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 22:58

The thing is she did a similar thing yesterday at mealtime, I sent her to her room, (we didn't over react) and she came down after I had explained that her beahviour at the table was acceptable.

That ^ worked. We just need to be on the same page.

OP posts:
edam · 10/01/2011 22:58

tbh, I don't see what's so wrong about undermining a grown man who is behaving like a toddler, screaming and shouting and frightening other, much more vulnerable people. He chose to put himself in the wrong. If you back him up when he's being aggressive, what lesson does that teach your children? Screaming and shouting and bullying are OK?

Spero · 10/01/2011 22:59

If he is normally a screaming bully and he won't change, then of course you don't put up with it and you don't let your children be victim to it.

But if he is generally a good dad and was wound up beyond endurance by a very naughty child AND a wife who just walked out instead of trying to support him, isn't it better to let him apologise and explain to his daughter, rather than setting him up as Bad Daddy, which you can bet will be remembered and relied upon in other circumstances.

mutznutz · 10/01/2011 22:59

"but DH has it on his food"

One rule for him and another for her it seems then

As one might expect with an adult and a 6yr old no?

I drink wine with my sunday dinner...I don't allow my kids to do the same.

Curiousmama · 10/01/2011 23:01

When I suggested parenting classes it was more to get you both on the same page. There's nothing shameful about doing them. Children aren't easy and they go through stages which can shock us and knock us off guard. Your dh probably feels like shit right now but if he's stubborn won't admit it. Hopefully you can both talk away from the children in an adult manner? And in a calm unjudgemental way?

good luck it's a hard job being a parent Smile

Dansmommy · 10/01/2011 23:02

It's hard to say whether he took it too far without having been there and seen/heard it. But lets look at the facts...a six year old threw her dinner in the bin...completely unacceptable behaviour. She got a bollocking. I don't see anything wrong there really, unless it is part of a pattern of emotional abuse. As a one off, I actually think it can be good for kids to see that their behaviour is so bad that the parent has gone ballistic. She needed to know that what she had done was very, very wrong.

If your DH is always like this, then YANBU, and your next step should be to end the
relationship and get your DDs away from this bully. If this was a one off response to extreme bad behaviour, then I think what you did was far worse than what he did.

Sothisishowwedoitnow · 10/01/2011 23:02

Agree Edam and don't expect mum to do anything, you are on your own with this bellowing, out of control grown man six year old dd!

Curiousmama · 10/01/2011 23:02

Oh how spooky HD just saw you said 'we need to be on the same page' in your post Smile

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 23:03

Edam..sorry I missed your post on the other page. Yeah, I kinda felt it must be quite shitty to be screamed at by someone three times your size/weight so my instincts took over...not saying they were totally the right ones.

Erm..Dittany..I don't tend to police my H's salt intake, no..

OP posts:
Spero · 10/01/2011 23:04

I think some of you are either very very lucky with your children or have very short memories.

I have, on occasion, been driven to absolutely screaming fury by my child. I am not generally a screamer or a bully but on rare occasions it happens. Children can have a tremendous capacity to wind adults up. And I agree it doesnt hurt for them to witness the consequences of their behaviour.

Of course, if he is doing it every day, that is utterly unacceptable. But I didn't get the impression he was like that all or even most of the time?

I would have been even more wound up by the fact that my 'partner' just walked out and did sod all to help or diffuse.

reelingintheyears · 10/01/2011 23:04

So you don't see what's wrong in undermining a grown man.
The childs Father.
Teach your child to be respectful of adults and how to behave themselves.
Maybe you won't be on here in a few years time looking for help with awful teenagers.

dittany · 10/01/2011 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 23:06

Spero/Dans...not either really. Obviously will not be ending my relationship over this - he lost control but is not an evil person.

He just got in so gonna go talk to him now I think.

Thanks for all your replies, they honestly help me think about the issue from both sides. :)

OP posts:
charliesmommy · 10/01/2011 23:08

Yet again on here I see the anti-men double standards.

Yesterday a poster said that she had screeched and yelled at her daughter so much that her daughter was cowering in fear.

What got suggested to her?

"never mind, go and unwind and have a glass of wine, we all get stressed"

I dont see anyone suggesting the dad go get a beer on this thread so he can calm down.

But because its a "MAN" doing the shouting, he is a bully, the OP is being told to leave him, the child is being abused....

Its laughable.. it really is.

Dads are 50% of the parenting. Mothers do not have a monopoly on it you know. And yes I know this is "mumsnet" but ffs..

edam · 10/01/2011 23:10

Don't be daft, Charlie, no-one has said 'leave him'. You are just trying to make this thread fit your own agenda.

Booandpops · 10/01/2011 23:10

Telling Yr wife to "fuck off" in front of the children is ok then?? It's certainly not ok with me.

charliesmommy · 10/01/2011 23:11

Yes they have Edam... hence the Ops last post.

QuickLookBusy · 10/01/2011 23:11

I don't think he should have shouted at her, but would also say, as you left the table and went upstairs you can't be 100% sure that she wasn't doing other things which added to your DH getting very angry with her.

I would be very cross with my DD if she "poured salt on food" "told not to eat it ..then dipped food in it and ate it"

I would have made her leave the table, until she could behave properly.

Gemsy83 · 10/01/2011 23:11

I think if any parent ends up screaming at a six year old and making them shit scared over something as trivial as bloody salt needs to take themselves in a corner and have a word with themselves ffs. She was pushing the boundaries no doubt trying to get a reaction, YOU are the adults, I doubt your six year old gets 'wound up' to that extent during a temper tantrum. Hideous behaviour.

mutznutz · 10/01/2011 23:12

Dittany she was told (or as the OP put it asked) NOT to do it.

NoWayNoHow · 10/01/2011 23:12

charliesmummy, I couldn't agree more! Double standards much??

OP's daughter behaved badly, her DH over-reacted (as I would have done if my DH had just upped and left me at the table with a child being so flippin' disobedient), and OP told her daughter how awful her Daddy had been. Not good...

Original poster
HarryDan · 10/01/2011 23:12

Charlies, DH and I do co-parent. I don't think DD is being abused, and I would not leave him over something like this (unless it was a serious, daily occurence, obv. )

I do get your point though x

OP posts:
mutznutz · 10/01/2011 23:14

OP you said you have lost your temper with her in the past...what did that involve?

dittany · 10/01/2011 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reelingintheyears · 10/01/2011 23:16

The child was asked not to put salt on her dinner.

She continued to do so.
Why did you not take the salt away.

Why did you leave the table when she was being told off?

YOUR fault for not telling the child off for doing what she had been told NOT to do.

Her Dad is just as responsible as you are for her upbringing.

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