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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be suffocated by my mother?

44 replies

siffy · 10/01/2011 18:58

she is driving me mad, she rings me constantly and I see her nearly every day. I just want a bit of peace and quiet.

OP posts:

ssd · 10/01/2011 19:08

don't blame you

Firawla · 10/01/2011 19:14

yanbu, but you need to manage the situation i think, if you are unhappy with it. make yourself less available etc

Original poster

siffy · 10/01/2011 19:44

i've tried and she generally backs off for a bit and a few weeks later i'm back where i started. She always takes offence as well.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 19:53

Turn your phone off?

If she takes offence that's her reponsibility not yours.

The taking offence is all about emotional blackmail to control you, if that's how she chooses to behave then let her get on with it.

She's still acting like she's the parent of a small child, and perhaps you respond with feeling like you should do as you're told?

It sounds like talking to her makes no difference, so perhaps time to take more direct action if you feel able to, especially if she's doing your nut in.

Gotabookaboutit · 10/01/2011 19:58

Set a routine - say I will ring you say Mon - wed - Fri - get caller display and dont answer the phone if its her -

Take control - at the start of the call say lovely to talk to you me but only got 1/2 hour - going out et

Lots of ways

Original poster

siffy · 10/01/2011 19:59

I do quite often ignore the phone but she tends to keep ringing and ringing, she'll try the house and my mobile alternately or ring my dd's mobile.

She is clearly lonely, but she is pretty antisocial so not exactly blameless. She is judgey and has an opinion on just about everybody. I feel guilty now for moaning because she does help me out quite a bit, but i just find it all so draining.

OP posts:

Gotabookaboutit · 10/01/2011 20:01

Hence the routine - you are keeping contact but on your terms - take back the power - tell her you will not answer the phone any other time

Original poster

siffy · 10/01/2011 20:08

I see her twice a day as it is though, she lives by my dc's school.

OP posts:

fruitful · 10/01/2011 20:08

What does she do when she takes offence? Does she, for example, sulk and not talk to you for a while? I don't think I need to finish that thought, do I ...

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 20:08

You're not under any obligation to sort your mums personal life out just because she helps you out sometimes.

I can understand you feeling concerned that she's lonely, but it sounds as though it's kind of by choice, she wont see anyone but doesn't like not seeing anyone.

She's got problems with the boundaries around your personal space, and is extremely instrusive.

The only person to sort this is you I'm afraid, if you want to have some time free of her you're going to have to take it.

fruitful · 10/01/2011 20:08

Twice a day! Can you move? Country?

Original poster

siffy · 10/01/2011 20:09

Yes sulk, or be passive agressive, lots of comments about i won't bother ringing at all then.

OP posts:

mousymouse · 10/01/2011 20:10

your mom sounds similar to mine. moving 600miles helps a bit. but not against judgeyness and phone terror...
we only talk about once a month but in that one phonecall she can really make me feel bad...

Gotabookaboutit · 10/01/2011 20:42

OMG - if I saw my Mum twice a day I would be suicidal - and I get on really well with my Mum.

Original poster

siffy · 10/01/2011 21:08

we do get on well, but after prolonged periods of contact, i find myself getting more and more irritated. I don't know why i posted actually, it won't matter what i say or do, i can't see things changing. My brothers don't have all this though and one of them still lives with her.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 21:16

It does matter what you say or do, unless she makes you feel powerless?

Do you not feel as though you can perhaps take more drastic action?

You almost seem resigned to how she treats you.

You do have a choice in the matter.

Original poster

siffy · 10/01/2011 21:24

i have tried countless times over the years but it gets me nowhere. I did have some counselling a while ago about something else and my relationship with my mum did come up. The counsellor seemed to think we had become substitute partners for each other. Mum was widowed when i was a kid and i've sort of felt responsible for her since then. I did mention to my mum what the counsellor thought and she went mad and made lots of comments about how she is to blame for everything.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 21:36

However old you are, it's always worthwhile putting boundaries on relationships that are causing you upset.

It's difficult and the fallout can last a while, but the alternative is that you carry on as you are indefinately, and you sound ready to change things.

Do you live with a DP/H? What's their take on it?

Original poster

siffy · 10/01/2011 21:38

I'm single, just me and the kids.

OP posts:

Gotabookaboutit · 10/01/2011 21:42

This is bordering on emotional abuse - not intention DV type but the effect on you seam to be very similar

AgentZigzag · 10/01/2011 21:44

And does that make you feel more beholden to her?

If you pushed for her to respect you've got a life and she got the hump with you, would you miss her if you had to distance yourself from her for a bit?

mousymouse · 11/01/2011 09:30

can you move? or move the dc to another school so that you don't have to see her every day?
when I moved abroad, 600m and the english channel away from my mother/parents it was SUCH a relief. I felt like the first time in my life I didn't have to explain and justify my each and every decision anymore.
maybe just the next town?

Mummy2Bookie · 11/01/2011 10:15

YANBU my mum was the same. Calling everyday, if I told her I was doing something her first response was " what are you doing" if I told her none of your business her response was always " it is my business, anything to do with you is my business" And if I was out anywhere she would phone until I picked up too see what I was doing. Anyway to cut along a long story short, I cut contact.had 2 yrs of " I'm phoning the police" and " turn on your phone" email crap. Thankfully she finally got the message recently and has left us alone.

mummaxmas · 11/01/2011 10:20

Sounds like my mum !! Then one day she got bored of us and now we never see her !! But she still manages to get her opinion into everything !! Have a good ok blaZing row with her, it's done the trick for me before ;)

Mummy2Bookie · 11/01/2011 10:23

My mum doesn't even know about dd

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