to not want to be suffocated by my mother?

[siffy]

she is driving me mad, she rings me constantly and I see her nearly every day. I just want a bit of peace and quiet.

[bluecheesefiend]

My mum was exactly like the OP's mum - not a widow though, but a serial divorcee and I'm an only child. Like the person who wasn't allowed to have anything that wasn't mum's business, my mum used to say "I made you, you're mine - I can do wht I want".
She was controlling, manipulative and (although I think the word is overused), utterly toxic. In the end the only way (and I tried everything, it really was the only way) that I could get any breathing space, or any semblence of control over my life, was to cut her out. I haven't seen or spoken to her in nearly 7 years. I know it hurts her but my life started 7 years ago - now I'm married, with DD1 and another on the way and I truly believe none of this would have been possible if she were still in my life as I was constantly so stressed about her.
OP - however hard it is, you need to seize control of this situation. Your children will learn behavioural patterns from being so exposed to her. And harsh as this sounds, the mummy they'll know and remember is the mummy who is stressed and emotionally exhausted by Granny. If you can survive, relax and be happy without her around, you deserve to do that for yourself and your family.

[siffy]

I think my mum thinks we are similar, When in fact we aren't. I am reasonably sociable but I get the feeling my mum thinks I'd rather hang out with her than with friends. It's so confusing.

[AgentZigzag]

You are not a cow at all, you're entitled to have feelings.

I know what you mean about the being super critical (making you well aware that she'll critisising you as well), and the being overpowering in front of others (to the point that she'll fill the room and there's no room left for you).

It's almost like having two people as a mum, my mum was a really good mum at the same time as being manipulative and controlling, which is confusing as well as made me feel guilty I wasn't good enough.

The voluntary work is a brilliant start at taking a bit of something for yourself.

[siffy]

I have made some progress over the years. When my youngest ds was little, she used to spend every weekend at my house. As ds got older, he started going to his dad's with the older children and my mum and step dad continued to turn up. In the end we had a big row and didn't speak for several weeks and when we did speak again, I told her I needed to try and cope on my own. Now when the kids go to their dads, I don't tend to hear from her during the weekend.

I have 4 children and 2 of them are quite demanding and have issues, i go to quite a lot of appointments and as their dad is far too busy with work, i rely on her to help me out. I don't work, but I'm just about to start volunteering for a charity and that will hopefully get me out of the house and away from the phone for a bit.

I can't really explain the other things that irritate, i will probably make her sound horrible and she isn't really, I just don't think she understands how hard I find it to take. There is a definite clash of personalities between her and my ds and that creates friction. Yet often the behaviour she accuses him of, she is guilty of herself.

When we are together at a social occasion, she will spend all her time speaking about my kids and I just switch off and become quite monotone. I end up with nothing to say for myself, because she always beats me to it.

She is super critical of everyone and really negative and it is very draining. When my friends are around she rambles on about everything and anything, i assume she wants to sound interesting and friendly but it all seems so fake to me.

Now I feel like a complete cow.

[cosysocks]

Fuppa our mums sound similar, although not a widow she 'took over' my life somewhat. However she prides herself on not interferring with my life.
It took me 2 years worth of therapy to have the balls to be independent of her and tbh it has done her the world of good too. She now seeks out other things to do rather than just attaching herself to me and my family.
Siffy it is difficult to do ( I had to quit my job in order to do it!) but the freedom I now have from her and inside my own head too is def worth it.

[Lamorna]

I think this shows why parents should start gradually letting go from a young age!

[cosysocks]

I've been through this with both my parents. In the end I had to cut contact for a few months to allow myself some space and allow them the realisation that I needed space from them.

You have a choice, I chose to allow my mum to look after ds, she used this to have a level of control over me. I then chose to change the situation, she no longer looks after ds, she has no control over me.
I found our relationship is so much easier now as we relate to each other as adults now.

[compo]

Do you work? Could you tell her you've got a job and she can't ring until 7pm everyday? Then when she does ring be very mono syallbic but bright and breezy at the end suggesting meeting Sunday lunch and not talking til then
then when she rings next say 'oh hi gotta dash see you sunday' and repeat everytime she rings
it will work eventually!

Or tell your bro to tell her to back off

[BarbarianMum]

Wrt to the worrying in case something has happened to you, do you think this is true anxiety on her part, or manipulation?

When I was single my mum would phone all the time - she kept picturing me lying injured or missing 'and nobody would know'.

The answer to this was to have less contact with her, not more. The more I reassured her by answering the phone the more she felt responsible for checking up on me etc. By backing off a bit (ie being uncontactable for a whole weekend at a time) she did begin to calm down a bit - the fact that I'd survived once reassured her that I could again iyswim?

[Ormirian]

Oh lord. Can't you just tell her how it makes you feel? It's not fair on you. I have a mother who tends this way a bit and I used to have a huge guilt complex and pander to her. I stopped when I had the children because it just didn't seem to matter so much, and to be fair she is trying to rein herself in.

[BlingLoving]

My mother went through a stage of leaving increasingly frantic messages if I didn't answer within 5 minutes of her calling me. Tears, calling my siblings etc.

But I told her, calmly and clearly, that I can't always answer the phone immediately and am not always available and that she doesn't get to act that way. I also made it very clear to my siblings to ignore her when she rang them - she knew that by ringing them, they'd all start ringing me going, "mum is worried, please just call her".

It did work.

If she threatens to call the police, let her. When they turn up at your house and you show them that you spoke with her two hours before, you are not the one they are going to have a word with about inappropriate behaviour.

[mousymouse]

can you get a new mobile for when the school calls? and just unplug all others when you don't want to be contacted?

[chaya5738]

Is your mum my mum?

My mum was a single parent and I have a similar relationship.

My counsellor told me to unplug the phone but it is hard when you need it in case the school calls.

My mum will work herself up into a real state if I don't answer and think something terrible has happen so that way manipulates me into answering. It is awful. I also get a thousand text messages and emails a day.

[Mummy2Bookie]

I think you've answered your own question siffy

[siffy]

Sorry couldn't post again last night, had a crisis to sort out. I don't think she's abusive, I think she worries about me as well as relies on me. She did ring this morning, but that was to check after my mini crisis, not heard from her since today. It is tricky because I do rely on her to a certain extent to help me with the kids, I guess that is the price I pay.

[iloveyankees]

OP your mum is not my mum is it?

My mum rings me on average 5 times a day. I see her every week day after dropping the kids off at school but I can't turn the phone off incase the school rings. Not only that if I don't answer the phone she threatens to ring the police/hospital incase something has happened to me

[Mummy2Bookie]

My mum doesn't even know about dd

[mummaxmas]

Sounds like my mum !! Then one day she got bored of us and now we never see her !! But she still manages to get her opinion into everything !! Have a good ok blaZing row with her, it's done the trick for me before ;)

[Mummy2Bookie]

YANBU my mum was the same. Calling everyday, if I told her I was doing something her first response was " what are you doing" if I told her none of your business her response was always " it is my business, anything to do with you is my business" And if I was out anywhere she would phone until I picked up too see what I was doing. Anyway to cut along a long story short, I cut contact.had 2 yrs of " I'm phoning the police" and " turn on your phone" email crap. Thankfully she finally got the message recently and has left us alone.

[mousymouse]

can you move? or move the dc to another school so that you don't have to see her every day?
when I moved abroad, 600m and the english channel away from my mother/parents it was SUCH a relief. I felt like the first time in my life I didn't have to explain and justify my each and every decision anymore.
maybe just the next town?

[AgentZigzag]

And does that make you feel more beholden to her?

If you pushed for her to respect you've got a life and she got the hump with you, would you miss her if you had to distance yourself from her for a bit?

[Gotabookaboutit]

This is bordering on emotional abuse - not intention DV type but the effect on you seam to be very similar