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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend to not want sex?

63 replies

JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:10

I'm 28 Years old and have a pretty high sex drive at the moment, however DH is just terrible in bed. He's wonderful in every other respect, but sometimes I turn down his advances only to wait until he is asleep and "take care of myself" rather than put up with a moist 3 minutes followed by 5 minutes of cleaning up fluids. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:24

I guess no one cares or can relate :(

OP posts:
TragicallyHip · 08/01/2011 21:29

Was it good before you got married?

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/01/2011 21:29

YABU not to talk to him about it and try to make things better!

LadyOfTheManor · 08/01/2011 21:31

Wow. I was going to repeat what Tragically said, was it different before you got married or was your first time on your wedding night? What is it that "gets yourself off", any chance of changing how it's done in the bedroom?

Original poster
JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:32

I didn't marry him for his sexual prowess, but because I loved him and he's the sweetest thing ever, I would speak to him about it but it would hurt his feelings to be told, this way he can think I'm a frigid cow but at least he won't blame himself...

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LadyOfTheManor · 08/01/2011 21:34

Hmmm....I think sexuality is a big issue within marriage and I think it's important. Marrying your best friend is all well and good if you're sexually attracted to him.

Do you still fancy him outside the bedroom?

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 08/01/2011 21:35

I think you need to think really hard about how you can educate him.

Sounds corny, but get yourself a copy of the board game Monogamy. Failing that, spend and entire evening every now and then playing games with rules, ie. no penetration, no hands etc...

Onetoomanycornettos · 08/01/2011 21:36

JanesBrains, this may be a short-term strategy for dealing with it, but long term it will be a disaster. Thinking you have a 'frigid' wife (your words, not ones I would choose) and that she doesn't fancy you, or even worse, finding out that she prefers to go it alone, is going to eat away at your marriage anyway.

Do you fancy your husband? I'm guessing not from what you've said about him being sweet but not great in the bedroom. I would try to communicate with him about sex, or seek sex therapy, bad or no sex can easily destroy a marriage.

TragicallyHip · 08/01/2011 21:38

I understand, I am in a similar position. But as you say you have a high sex drive (like me) It ends up ruining the marriage as you are not on the same page. I haven't had sex in 2 and half years so my advice is to talk to him otherwise you will end up in the same situation as me.

Original poster
JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:38

I do fancy him outside the bedroom, he's constantly treating me to expensive meals out, weekends at the Spa and he even bought me a brand new car for Christmas (which he will be paying for for ages) so he obviously loves me to bits, and I let him know in other ways that I love him, like making sure the house and kids are well looked after... And I tell him, obviously... Overall the marriage is solid apart form this one point, which is why I think I might be U :(

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pommedeterre · 08/01/2011 21:41

You are not being fair to him here. You are taking and not giving.

IMO YABU.

YABU because you aren't even giving him a chance to make it better.

Also what's his presents for you got to do with how much you fancy him?

HerBeatitude · 08/01/2011 21:43

Yes YABU.

How long do you intend to put up with crap sex? 5 years? 10? 20? 30?

It will hurt him far more if you grow apart and end up hating each other, than if you talk to him about sex. He is your DH You should be able to talk to him about this.

Original poster
JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:43

I just wanted to give examples that he's not just some Husband who lies on the couch all day ignoring me, which makes me feel even worse.

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Original poster
JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:44

Also it doesnt help that BIL and his wife seem to have such an amazingly raunchy sex life, according to anecdotes they give at get togethers. I think maybe BIL got all the sextastic genes while DH got all the sweet ones.

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Onetoomanycornettos · 08/01/2011 21:46

Yes, but if you like new cars that much(!), what's to stop you running off with someone who offers you a better one? YOu may think you will be happy with your own company, so to speak, but if you are quite a high-achiever (sorry to be nosy, but I think on another thread you said you were a doctor), I think this issue will be more about you perhaps noticing there are other men out there who are attractive and wondering if they might fulfil you...

I may be wrong, but personally I would try to go for a 'medium' in the bedroom if he's currently crap. He may never be your perfect partner in that regard, but surely he could improve enought to make it tempting on occasions?

HerBeatitude · 08/01/2011 21:46

IMO a marriage with very bad sex is not solid.

A sexless marriage can be solid, if both partners are happy with that.

But where one person is really unhappy about the sex, that's not solid.

Also your BIL sounds mad, just as an aside. What the hell is he going on about his sex life for in company?

corriefan · 08/01/2011 21:47

I think you could probably change this. Take more control during sex, if you like it how come it sounds like it's quite a passive thing for you? Keep changing position and breaking off penetration to slow it down, get his hand and show him what to do etc. You say he's a lovely bloke, he's bound to be ok with this, he'd prob appreciate the effort!

pommedeterre · 08/01/2011 21:47

You can teach him to be sextastic too you know...

Original poster
JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:49

Don't worry about noseyness, I earn enough that I'm not about to be swept off my feet by a swish investment banker, DH is a teacher and earns less than me (we keep seperate finances) but I love him to bits, even little things like him going a bit thin on top is adorable.

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Original poster
JanesBrain · 08/01/2011 21:50

If I took control during sex 3 minutes would be a record :(

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pommedeterre · 08/01/2011 21:50

I think sex is really important in a relationship. It is the only thing you (hopefully) do with each other. It marks the relationship out as something different to that which you have with your family and friends.
It is what makes a 'romantic' relationship such a powerful and amazing thing IMO.
Sex is important to me though (agree with HerBeatitude re no sex if both parties content) but it sounds like it is to you too JanesBrain.

newwave · 08/01/2011 21:52

You need to sort this out fast, be honest with him, Does "round two" last a lot longer :o

The game you are playing will drive a large wedge between you.

hobbgoblin · 08/01/2011 21:54

Hold on, in answer to the question about fancying him you listed all the treats he has given you. That isn't fancying is it? Fancying is sexual attraction.

Do you feel sexually attracted to him and thus it is simply his technique that is the problem or is your problem a lack of sexual feeling towards the man you love?

At the moment you are deceiving him. That is a big worry to me.

iloveyankees · 08/01/2011 21:55

If it's how long he lasts buy him a c*ck ring :) also get him to withdraw when its starts to feel 'nice'. He also could do things to you before hand Wink and when you are close let him join in the fun

I will say the longer you leave it inbetween each time you have sex the quicker he will be

Vagabond · 08/01/2011 21:56

My XDH and I had an awful sex life. He was ok in most ways (ie., enthusiastic) but couldn't quite get the knack of what I liked or what satisfied me. We ended up only ever having sex after a big night out. In the end, I think he liked to get me plastered very tipsy just so we would have sex.

I tried to change things by encouraging him to 'move a little to the left' or 'try stroking here' a few times. It never really worked so I just gave up and ended up avoiding sex as much as I could. It was about this time that he starting calling me frigid.

The last time we had sex, he pulled out of me in frustration and wanked on my tummy while I held a pillow over my face and cried. Blush We agreed to separate the next day.

We are now getting divorced. I heard from a mutual friend of ours (a female he always had a fancy for) who informed me that my XDH had told her that I was like a military commander in bed - always demanding this or that. So not true! My X just didn't like to be told how to do anything.

I am now with a new partner and I have the brilliant sex life I never new existed but that I always wanted. I am absolutely floating on air. I have a Cheshire cat's grin and the word 'frigid' now just makes me laugh.

The moral of the story: be cautious in how you approach the subject; the male ego can be very fragile. Good luck!

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