Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad and quite horrified that this couple aborted their babies...

126 replies

MsKLo · 08/01/2011 19:32

Couple with three sons abort twin boys conceived with IVF - and they will try again for a girl as their first daughter died

Read more: www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1345057/Couple-sons-abort-twin-boys-IVF--try-baby-girl-daughter-died.html#ixzz1ATR8ExuK

I read this and was just Shock

I do really really feel sad for them too, but also horrified that they aborted their boys because they were not girls

So sad

OP posts:
TandB · 09/01/2011 16:17

"how does that make it not her pregnancy WhereThe?

kingfu if that comment was directed to me, nobody said you have to like or approve of it, just that you don't have the right to take that decision away.

and I think its pretty insulting to relate this to society as a whole, because we are "throw-away". This is not a normal thing, thats why its in the papers. It says nothing about the rest of us.

I agree with the rest of your post though."

It wasn't aimed at anyone, actually.

oneortwo · 09/01/2011 18:01

I don't understand the popular view that if a scientific method to do something exists, then noone should have the choice to use it or abuse it taken away?

Like once a method is developed to do something its everyone's right to do so if they choose?

stretchmummy · 09/01/2011 18:04

Yes, on reading the headline, I am horrified....but I accept that this is really none of my business. What purpose is served by this kind of thing being made public?

MumNWLondon · 09/01/2011 18:05

It's terrible but its the fault of the regulators who don't allow pre-implantation gender selection but do allow abortion.

If the rules were changed to allow pre-implantation genger selection (maybe for families who already had 2+ children of one sex and none of the other) then this wouldn't arise.

Newgolddream · 09/01/2011 18:11

Science exists to select gender in embryos - I dont believe this should be used for social reasons - just becomes humans have developed the science doesnt make it right. imo.

I dont believe its right to choose the sex of your child just because you have a preference for a girl over a boy or vice versa - so no I dont believe its everyones "right" to use gender selection. It just seems inherently wrong to me, but if people want to - and they can afford it - thats their chocie at the end of the day, I might not believe in it but it doesnt mean Im going to protest about it or start a campaign etc.

Its like saying your family is not right or perfect until you have at least 1 child of each sex. And whilst I have every sympathy for people who have lost a child, using words like "replace" just seems a worry to - the child born will be an individual and not a clone of the lost child. As I said its just my opinion, and maybe I would think different if I had lost a child.

pink4ever · 09/01/2011 18:18

K12mom-I am very sorry for your loss.As a parent who has lost babies(3 sons) I can certainly empathise with this couple. When I fell pregnant again after losing my first son I was desperate to have another boy(I was lucky enough that I did). However I now recognise this was a grief stricken reaction.I only fully came to terms with this when I had counselling after losing my 3rd son. There was/is a strong need to "replace" the baby you lost but I have come to understand that is never going to be possible.The babies I lost were unique in their own right and can never be replaced(although I am suprememly blessed to have 3 dcs now,something I really thought would never be possible).
I agree perhaps this couple dont deserve our condemnation as they clearly have grief issues which they are still coming to terms with. However I am also still sad that they chose to abort two babies that a great many other women going through ivf would be so grateful for.Its a tough one.

tyler80 · 09/01/2011 19:08

It's interesting the comments about 'replacing' a deceased child and how it will affect her existing sons.

My partner's little brother was killed age 9 when my partner was 11. A couple of years later his parents had another child (and another after that) . When my OH talks about it, it's not about feeling that he wasn't enough, it's about how his new sibling gave him back his parents and made them 'normal' again and having more siblings helped him as much as his parents

zukiecat · 09/01/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocolatebuttontheif · 09/01/2011 21:54

Zukiecat I admire your honesty

K12Mom · 10/01/2011 02:03

Newgolddream, I find your suggestion that I am trying to "clone" my child hurtful and insulting. You really do need to think before you post such drivel.

chocolatebuttontheif · 10/01/2011 09:17

K12mom I don't think anyone is suggesting you want to clone your lost child, just that you yourself used the word "replace"

K12Mom · 10/01/2011 10:28

Well, in a sense it is a replacement. You lose a child so you have another child. It will never make up for losing the first child, but it should help to fill the empty space left behind and to help you come to terms with your grief.

CBT, the word "cloning" was used by a previous poster... I find it deeply offensive.

oneortwo · 10/01/2011 13:14

it is possible to understand the couples urge to replace the child as part of their grieving process, but being compassionate about why they feel this does not mean that they should be helped to act it out in this way?

Lots of people have reactions to grief that are not entirely healthy and should not be 'enabled'

I don't think they're horrible people for doing this, I think that possibly they have fixated on this as a light in their tunnel and are blinkered and what they might need is to work through rather than to be handed the tools to act it out IYKWIM

K12Mom · 10/01/2011 14:20

I understand where they are coming from in wanting another daughter after losing one then having three sons. This is because I am in an identical position.

However, I am absolutely repulsed by their decision to abort their healthy (boy) twins. It is a vile act, in my opinion.

We are currently doing Gender Selection in the US for a girl. If a mistake was made and we discovered that in fact we were carrying two boys, we would be delighted (if a tiny bit disappointed). There is no way we would consider termination.

prettyfly1 · 10/01/2011 14:25

K12 your posts are really interesting. I am pro choice, have two boys and would love a girl but feel a bit sickened to be honest that they aborted to healthy male babies, on the grounds of thier sex. In an age where discrimination of any kind is strictly frowned upon this is pretty awful and really strains the limit to which even an ardent pro choicer like myself can really defend.

K12Mom · 10/01/2011 14:32

You know prettyfly1, I have been wondering about the pro-choice view on this. Please can you consider my question, it is not an attack, I promise, I am generally interested.

How can you condone aborting a baby because it is "inconvenient", "not the right time", "will interfere with my promotion", etc. yet condemn a bereaved woman for having an abortion in order to have another chance of healing her broken heart?

I am very interested in the answer to this. And just to clarify, I do not agree with what this couple have done, I am just interested in the pro-choice take on this.

ilovecrisps · 10/01/2011 14:38

So what on earth was the Dr/clinic thinking that agreed they could have IVF?
Wonder how many scans they had to determine the gender of the unborn children suppose they were wrong.
How did they get the Dr to agree to an abortion and if it was on mental stress type grounds however will they get another clinic to agree to them having more IVF?
(is it routine for parents to be told they have a greater chance of having a boy?)

I assume they have gone public to put pressure on the authority to agree for the gender selection without having to go abroad didn't you see the 'give me what I want or I'll have it anyway' bit

Hope they can come to terms with their actions as time progresses

An excellent demonstration as to why money and 'healthcare' are best kept apart

ilovecrisps · 10/01/2011 14:40

Surely whilst the woman may want an abortion because it is not convenient/will interfere with promotion etc she needs to come up with a better reason medically?

LadyOfTheFlowers · 10/01/2011 14:44

Jesus H Christ I am not even going to read it.

:(

GwynAndBearIt · 10/01/2011 14:44

I think the difference is these babies were conceived 'on purpose' rather than an inconvenient accident.

K12Mom · 10/01/2011 14:45

I don't why they just didn't go abroad in the first place.

prettyfly1 · 10/01/2011 16:09

K12 I have to say I agree with Gwyn and bear it. The fact is the only true form of contraception is no sex, so there is a chance most sexually active women could get pregnant when they are just not ready, but this couple TRIED for these babies, CARRIED these babies to a stage where they could feel them move etc and went through the hell of the first twelve weeks then chose to abort them based on gender alone. I really agree in this instance with the posters who say that this couple desperately need councelling and support. I totally get the idea that the pain of losing a their daughter could lead them to not rest till they have one but they chose a daughter who doesnt and may well never exist yet over two healthy, viable and planned for baby boys. That just doesnt feel right.

nancy10 · 10/01/2011 16:47

This couple need to take a step back and look at what they have actually got. I feel for them and anyone else that has lost a child but what about people who lose a child and are never able to conceive again and live the rest of their lives childless? The sad thing is, is this couple haven't just lost a daughter, they've lost twin son's too and potentially more if this continues. I understand their desire to have another daughter but they are not the only ones in this position. I just wonder that if one day, if they get the daughter they so desperately want, will what they've done come back to haunt them? Their daughters death was out of their hands but those little boys died because they were the wrong sex.

zukiecat · 10/01/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 10/01/2011 17:08

'I have always freely admitted to having a preference for girls'

Out of sheer morbid curiosity, is this going to be kept a secret from your son?

Only wondering as the mother of an ex of mine desperately wanted him to be a girl but he was obviously a boy and she never hid that fact from him which really tormented and upset him. :(