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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU/WWYD Facebook for kids

123 replies

Niceguy2 · 07/01/2011 16:55

OK, some time ago my son's (DS9) primary school sent out a sternly worded letter about kids having Facebook accounts and how they'd be going around checking and reporting whichever child they found with one.

I dismissed it at the time because a) my son didnt have one. & b) I hate the whole ban them philosophy anyway since I believe it often just makes things harder.

Anyway. Wind on 6 months and last night I discover that my son bless him has created his own facebook account and has been very enterprising. Some detective work and a bit of hacking by me and lo & behold him and some school friends have set themselves up. Most of them (not all) have changed their names. So my son name are a random letters. Some friends are like "Wayne Roony"

Everything looks fairly innocent and the snippets of conversations I've tracked down are all just kids chattering.

I haven't confronted him yet as I want to gather up as much info as possible. I could report the whole lot of them to the school. On the other hand, the fact he has a FB account actually doesn't bother me too much as long as I know the fact he has one, am a friend and I know the password.

To me, the secrecy is the issue. Had anything untoward have cracked off, he can't come to me for help since I wasn't supposed to know in the first place.

AIBU to ban him or AIBU not to but prefer to have it out in the open rather than in secret?

OP posts:

ravenAK · 07/01/2011 20:42

Gillybobs - email might work, but skype requires both parties to be sat in front of the PC at the same time.

My (lovely but chaotic - family nickname is 'Uncle Buck' ) BIL will sit down & send ds a long, chatty FB message every week or so - but expecting him to be online during civilised hours? Non starter. Plus they'd just have a burping competition or pull faces at each other...

It's a parenting choice like any other - I'd just like people to be a little more aware of the preponderance of FB accounts out their which are not known to parents.

Because I have this convo with my students' parents quite a bit.

'My child's not allowed on FB. There's absolutely no way she could be cyberbullying X. It's ridiculous'.

'Ah...you might like to look at this screengrab X's mum emailed into school this morning. It depicts your dd's FB wall & the obscene comments she's been making about & to X'.

ravenAK · 07/01/2011 20:43

'there', not 'their'!

Gillybobs · 07/01/2011 20:53

Im not for a minute saying kids shouldnt be in touch after school...my kids often play with friends or phone for a chat...its the idea that FB, which is a whole cyber world of "friends' friends" status updates and photos, is a suitable place for young kids to pass time is honestly baffling to me.

Dont get me wrong, I love FB, its just that there are things I see day and daily on there that I wouldnt want my DSs to see. I cant see any argument on here that makes me think there arent better ways for them to socialise/play /communicate without exposure to a very grown up world on FB. I guess I must be getting old(fashioned)..

JungleTits · 07/01/2011 21:05

I see your point Gillybobs, it works for you. Thats what i was saying earlier though, how its up to the parents to judge weather they think that thier kids should go on it or not. Not the schools ect.

Gillybobs · 07/01/2011 21:11

Totally agree its not schools area of jurisdiction. I do worry though that there is a lack of awareness and that some parents think its harmless if their DCs are only friends with people they know, (for all the reasons Ive been harping on about : ) Technology is such a minefield for kids and parents, I do panic about keeping up and keeping them safe : (

JungleTits · 07/01/2011 21:16

Fair enough, thats what someone was saying earlier about parents having to be savvy with technology in order to understand and monitor properly.

And your right there will be parents all over that dont bother to check on what thier kids are up to etc (believe me i see it) but the same goes for these kind of parents all round in every area in life, shame but true.

Your doing whats you feel is right for you and your DC and thats what matters.

The main point i was trying to get to the OP is do what he feels is best for his DS.

Gillybobs · 07/01/2011 21:21

Agree!

ravenAK · 07/01/2011 21:27

Because the child could see inappropriate content on a friend of friend's page, you mean Gillybobs?

Yeah, it's something you have to be aware of. My thinking is that I'd rather mine knew what to do if they encounter something untoward, & be able to talk to me about it, than have them keep it to themselves because they'd opened an account despite my forbidding them to do so.

Gillybobs · 07/01/2011 21:41

Yes Raven thats exactly what I mean. Every time your DCs friend "likes" or comments on someone elses profile, your DC can see that other persons info/photos too, even if you havent allowed your DC to be friends with that person. Have a feeling a lot of people dont realise that.

usualsuspect · 07/01/2011 22:17

The best thing you can do is teach your kids how to stay safe on the internet and talk to them about it ...I never give out real details unless I have to

MissyPie · 07/01/2011 22:29

JungleTits Fri 07-Jan-11 20:42:47
"When i was young, before internet i used to see my friends at school all day then get home and phone them. I can remmeber my mum being confused and shocked we still had anything to talk about lol"

OMG JungleTits - did we go to school together?? :)

Original poster

Niceguy2 · 07/01/2011 22:37

Update

Well I spoke to DS about it earlier. He'd just got changed into his PJ's and i asked him why he'd set up the account. He said he just wanted to talk to his friends. He thought I'd not let him or be angry. Hence the hiding.

Anyway, I explained why I wanted to know (ie. so he can talk to me if he needed to), asked him what his password was (he told me the right one!) and that tomorrow I'd like to see a friend invite from him.

He then took himself off to his room and when I popped in, he'd obviously been crying and told me he wasn't feeling well.

I hadn't even raised my voice!

Anyway, tomorrow hopefully he'll calm down and i'll sit with him and turn it into a more positive thing. Will help him sort out his security settings, name, maybe stick a couple of (careful) photos, add his me, my GF and his mum & sister etc. (whilst going through his friends list to make sure he really knows them all!)

I think this approach has worked better. Had I have simply shouted and banned, he'd have got angry too. As it is, he's mortified I've found out but he can't shout back as I have been totally reasonable about the whole thing....i think that makes him feel worse! lol

OP posts:

MissyPie · 07/01/2011 22:49

nothing worse than disappointing your daddy lol

good on you OP, bet you feel quite good about it now

ravenAK · 07/01/2011 22:51

Can I just say I think you've dealt with this really well Niceguy2?

Very sensible.

usualsuspect · 07/01/2011 23:42

Yes niceguy The I am disappointed in you approach works much better than outright banning approach imo

MissyPie · 08/01/2011 00:47

sneaks in

I agree with usual, i hated it when my dad was disappointed in me - the look in his eyes just made me cry straight away

runs away again

JungleTits · 08/01/2011 10:40

Think you handled it really well to OP, also think your making the right choice.

Missypie lol wouldnt that be wiered if we had have gone to school together?? hehe

Greenkit · 08/01/2011 11:02

What bothers me is that the school think they have the right to tell kids what they should be doing at home.

Its up to parents to decide if their children have a FB account not the school.

Both my youngest have a FB account, one is 14 and one nearly 13. I am a friend on both so can see anything written and give advice if needed.

Both accounts are locked right down so only their immediate friends can see and reply.

I do think 9 is too young, to be allowed to run the FB account on their own.

BlueCollie · 08/01/2011 11:22

I think the school that sent the letter out is a bit daft really. That has probably caused more kids to set up accounts than anything else. Kid 1 'did you see the letter sent out' Kid 2 'yeah, shall we go see if we can set one up then' Kid 1 'yeah lets see if they can catch us lol'.....well that would have been me and whole load of other kids when I was that age.

Hassled · 08/01/2011 11:30

I also think you've handled it well but you haven't resolved the school issue. Given the letter from school and the fact he knows the school don't like FB, you're effectively telling him that he can ignore what the school is saying. Which is Not Good.

Having said that I don't know what the solution is. I let DS2 have a FB account at 11 - he's had some problems re friends/social stuff (Dyspraxic) and I figured anything that helped him fit in with the crowd had to be good. And to a large extent, it's worked. I know the password, I check what's going on regularly. So I do have a lot of sympathy for choosing to ignore the 13 age rule, but I'm uncomfortable re going against the school's stated wishes.

UnquietDad · 08/01/2011 13:12

I think I should change my name on here to UnquietSarahHardingIsMySecretWifeyDaddddd to keep down with da kidz.

usualsuspect · 08/01/2011 13:16

I think I will list all my favourite mnetters as my siblings on my profile ..

BurnAfterReading · 08/01/2011 13:53

If that was in fact the case usualsuspect, I'd feel sorry for your mother

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