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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/WWYD Facebook for kids

123 replies

Niceguy2 · 07/01/2011 16:55

OK, some time ago my son's (DS9) primary school sent out a sternly worded letter about kids having Facebook accounts and how they'd be going around checking and reporting whichever child they found with one.

I dismissed it at the time because a) my son didnt have one. & b) I hate the whole ban them philosophy anyway since I believe it often just makes things harder.

Anyway. Wind on 6 months and last night I discover that my son bless him has created his own facebook account and has been very enterprising. Some detective work and a bit of hacking by me and lo & behold him and some school friends have set themselves up. Most of them (not all) have changed their names. So my son name are a random letters. Some friends are like "Wayne Roony"

Everything looks fairly innocent and the snippets of conversations I've tracked down are all just kids chattering.

I haven't confronted him yet as I want to gather up as much info as possible. I could report the whole lot of them to the school. On the other hand, the fact he has a FB account actually doesn't bother me too much as long as I know the fact he has one, am a friend and I know the password.

To me, the secrecy is the issue. Had anything untoward have cracked off, he can't come to me for help since I wasn't supposed to know in the first place.

AIBU to ban him or AIBU not to but prefer to have it out in the open rather than in secret?

OP posts:
LittleYellowTeapot · 07/01/2011 17:51

I don't see the problem with facebook really. My youngest 2 have it as it enables them to keep in touch with family who live abroad. I know they are not getting bullied because they only have close family and friends as fb friends. I know their passwords and monitor what they are doing when they're online anyway.

I've had a stern talking to from one friend about her disapproval of my decision to let them have fb, but I'm happy with my decision.

UnquietDad · 07/01/2011 17:57

We had a similar letter too...

Not yet had to face up to the requests for an account, but DD is not far off 11 so I am sure it will come soon, if only to "fit in" at secondary school. A few of her friends and her 12-year-old cousin already have FB acounts.

I don't get two things about kids and Young People on Facebook.

a) Why they always use (real or made up) middle names as part of their FB name. Nobody over 25 does this. Some of them are really, truly embarrassing, like "Jessica RobPattinsonsWife Smith" or "Kayleigh JustinBieberLover Jones" or "Annabel CherylColeTweedy Brown" (made-up examples but you get the idea).

b) Why the hell they list people as their "spouses" and "siblings" who are plainly not.

ihearthuckabees · 07/01/2011 18:02

Because it's hilarious of course, UnquietDad!

LittleYellowTeapot · 07/01/2011 18:03

I have no idea UnquietDad Grin

It's also popular to double the last letter of random words/names for no apparant reasonn.

JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:04

WhAt AbouT wHen tHEy dO thIS??? Starnge lol

JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:05

strange even lol

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 07/01/2011 18:05

Unquietdad - that really irks me too! What's with referring to their best friends as their "wifey".

It's like nails down a blackboard!

penguin73 · 07/01/2011 18:06

"Simple, dont know why everyone gets so PC about it really as long as the parents are activly involved".......... - because all it takes is for a simple fall out and the bullying - direct or indirect - begins.

But it is parental choice at the end of the day, I just think the majority of parents who approve of this don't think it through or don't think anything will happen as they are 'monitoring it'

JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:10

So should we stop our children going to school too penguin73 ?? I think some people are just too precious. If my children were being bullied via the net i would know about it, one they would come to me i know it and two i can see there activity every moment, how bad could bullying get in 5 secs???

FabbyChic · 07/01/2011 18:11

Having a parent you can talk to is by far the most precious thing a child can have.

By allowing her children to use FB Jingle Tits is telling her children she trusts them.

I think it is the right way to go.

JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:12

Im not saying it never happens, Just that i personally would know about it instantly and do something about it. Thats why i think if they are under 13 then the parents have to be involved!

Original poster
Niceguy2 · 07/01/2011 18:14

Unquietdad, I think you are showing your age mate. As far as my DD (14) is concerned, if you have to ask....you are too old to understand! Sad

I'll go stand in the corner with the other wrinklies.

OP posts:
JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:16

Thank you fabbychic we are very open with our children and they return the favour. They all know they can come to us about anything anytime and as you say that is a lovely thing.

when i was growing up it was completely different with my parents, couldnt ever tell them anything and they were very strict, needless to say i got up to alot of things behind there back. Not good, much prefer it this way Smile

charliesmommy · 07/01/2011 18:17

Penguin, I see it as a much easier way to deal with bullying, as if it is on facebook, it can be printed off, and used as proof. Verbal bullying is often not believed as the bully will deny it.

And bullying does not stop at 13, to be honest, it is only just stepping up to a greater level then, especially for girls.

Put an innocent and naive 13 yr old onto facebook for the first time, and you are asking for them to end up utterly miserable with it, as they realise their mates have been talking about them, or they have been excluded from things.

Times have changed. We didnt have mobiles or facebook when I was at school, but we cant ban them, so we need to be able to deal with it and we owe it to our kids to be savvy about the way these things work, as well as be confident enough to tell us if someone is bullying them. Not be too scared to say anything because they will be in trouble for having a secret account.

penguin73 · 07/01/2011 18:17

the cases we are currently dealing with at school are friends who have fallen out printing off photos and adding comments before pasting them around town, downloading photos and editing them before reposting them and also sending messages to each other about the 'friend' that they have fallen out with - you would not see them because they would have already 'unfriended' your child which may have already caused a lot of upset depending on the sensitivity of your child. If you are lucky someone in the chain will tell your child and if you are even luckier they will tell you or a teacher before it escalates further but often by then a lot of hurt will have been caused.

And the whole should we not send them to school argument is pathetic and not worth time rising to as I am sure you know.

CubaCat · 07/01/2011 18:18

Bit off tangent but Niceguy2, I know you are good with techy stuff, so if you get a minute please could you have a look at my post in Geeky stuff, as I think I have a virus on my laptop and am not sure what to do. Thanks.

Off to browse FB now Wink

penguin73 · 07/01/2011 18:20

No, we need to tell 9 year olds that there are some things that just aren't suitable and bring them up to respect us as parents rather than cave in to peer pressure and teach them that guidelines and rules are there to be ignored...!But that probably isn't cool or trendy enough for some parents and too much like hard work for others.

And I agree with the 13 year old comments which is why I think parents need to be actively involved whatever the age of the child.

charliesmommy · 07/01/2011 18:24

Penguin, I am (in most things) fairly old fashioned. If you have an only child, its a lot easier to monitor, but when you have a kid of 13, with a younger sibling.. say 11... yes, you can play the "no, you are not old enough" card... but it wont stop the 11 yr old from feeling left out.. and it also wont stop the 13yr old from helping the 11yo set up a secret account.. and you also cant be with a 10yo every time they go to a friends house either...

I do appreciate it must be hell for schools to deal with, and teachers from twenty years ago who have now retired must be thanking their lucky stars that they dont have social networking to deal with, especially since it is now so easily available on mobile phones too.

JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:25

penguin73 you are right this kind of thing can happen but so can many things in life we dont like. We cant wrap our children in bubblewrap forever and i guess we have to hope this kind of thing wont happen but i think what you are describing generally happens to some of the age 13+

As people say this is our kids generation and this technology age is theres, they shouldnt be excluded from it.

Pluss your only concentrating on the "bad side" of fb. My children love it, they play games, talk to friends, instant chat all friends at same time etc etc

Everything has a good and bad side..........

MissyPie · 07/01/2011 18:26

Age restrictions are a guideline Surely we dont all think that a kids of the same age have the same mentality....?? Some kids grow up faster than others depending on the responsibilities they are given to begin with.

Of course, all kids tell porky pies and in this instance I think that it is fairly understandable - schools sending out letters like that to ban and report facebook users I mean FFS, they get on my tits! It's up to ME & me only to decide whether or not my child is responsible enough to use social networking.

Saying that, I would always (on a daily basis) monitor the use of my childs internet, whether it be facebook, chatrooms, youtube and a few good points have been made that OP, you should speak to your son, make him aware that you are disappointed that he did not tell you about his account and set some ground rules for him using it.

JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:26

Yes, i aggree Penguin73, activly involved at any age

JingleTits · 07/01/2011 18:29

well said missypie bugs me when the school send them letters out too!

penguin73 · 07/01/2011 18:31

Maybe because 'the bad side' occupies so much of my time and has caused so many lovely pupils so much grief - of course there are benefits but I think as the OP asked for opinions that she should be aware of the reality of what happens as well.

(and of the last 6 cases that have come to light at school 4 involved sets of parents who expressed shock that they knew nothing until we phoned them as they were actively 'monitoring' their child's usage)

LittleYellowTeapot · 07/01/2011 18:33

Are these under 13's Penguin?

What made me chuckle was the person who disagreed with my DC's having fb lets her children watch films that I would consider extremely inappropriate for mine. I guess it just highlights that we all make decisions based on what we deem suitable for our own DC's.

MissyPie · 07/01/2011 18:33

penguin - but in most cases they would say that wouldn't they (to save face and not look like bad parents)

it would mean actually spending at least 30 minutes per day to "actively monitor usage" not just a quick peer over the shoulder wouldn't you agree?