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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to detest people saying things "to" children...

124 replies

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 07/01/2011 11:58

...that they don't dare say to the nearby adult for whom the message is really intended?

Mum in playgroup whose 4 year old is grappling with my 1 year old for possession of a toy: "Never mind, Barnaby, the little boy obviously hasn't learned how to share"

Random stranger on bus, to baby: "Oh dear, what nasty person made you go out with no gloves on like that!"

Worse still though are the emotionally blackmailing ones to kids old enough to be confused by them...

Elderly relative to my 7 year old on our monthly visit: "I hope you won't take so long about visiting me next time (injured sniff)"

Relative to my daughter: "When Mummy has the baby, can I come with you when you meet her for the first time?" (to which sweet innocent child says "Yes of course you can" while annoying relative, who has been asked to give us a few hours after the birth before they descend, shoots triumphant glance at me over child's head)

I hate sneakiness of all kinds, but trying to implicate children in sneakiness really ticks me off.

OP posts:

thenameiwantedwastaken · 08/01/2011 16:11

Oh gosh, i did this once! (Someone said there must be some mumsnetters doing it). In my defence, there were extenuating circumstances...

Was at my gran's house with about 6 month old DD and my dad. Her telly was broken so dad had bought her a new one. Spent hours searching through reviews etc online and choosing one. Anyway, as usual it took ages to set everything up and get it working with their sky. Also, tosspot neighbour was there scrounging a cup of tea and cake. He reckons himself a tech expert and was basically saying my dad had chosen the wrong telly. then my gran started moaning too.

Couldn't help myself, said to DD 'your grandad's been so lovely spending so much time finding the perfect television for his mummy hasn't he? I hope you help me out so kindly when you're older.'

Oh dear, would normally either say something straight or shut up but I was so angry but hardly know tosspot neighbour and wasn't my house to throw him out of!

IAmTheCookieMonster · 08/01/2011 16:36

haha, i'm guilty of having "adult" conversations with baby ds

and I also do the "daddy, will you change my bumbum" or "granny, can you cuddle me while mummy goes to the loo please" in an annoying high pitched voice

I think I also cut of conversations when he does something mundane really interesting like blowing a raspberry

Oh dear!

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 19:03

thenameiwantedwastaken - I think that is fine because you were saying a nice thing and sticking up for your dad. You just sound nice to me.

ohyaychristmas · 08/01/2011 20:40

Or, Barnaby's mother is not a total bitch. Barnaby's mother is explaining to Barnaby that the 1 year old baby hasn't learned to share, because, unlike him, 1 year olds are not able to be patient and take turns like big boys, because they are interested in everything everybody else has, and want to explore it, so Barnaby should be compassionate and patient with the 1 year old...?

thenameiwantedwastaken · 08/01/2011 21:22

Thanks monkey :)

pommedeterre · 08/01/2011 21:38

What about MIL talking as if they were your baby?

Normally to say :

'Not interested thank you Mummy'

When I suggest she needs changing/feeding/bathing.

Or:

'Nanna can't go now can she we're having such a lovely time here'

When I try and show her where bottles/baby food/nappies are before leaving her to babysit dd for a few hours.

Drives me literally insane. ARGH.

ManateeEquineOhara · 08/01/2011 21:58

My ex CM used to do this all the time on the subject of my son's hair, their clothes, my life etc. Funny how she spent a lot of time child minding my children and yet these topics only came up when I was in earshot She is no longer my CM but I do see her occasionally and she often still tries it. Nosy interfering bat.

My mum does this too sometimes.

Original poster

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 08/01/2011 22:55

ohyayChristmas On re-reading I can see that, and I too, often explain to my eldest that younger ones are too little to understand things... but no, that was just a snippet from a pointed monologue that Barnaby was paying no attention to, sensibly, as it was not aimed at him.

I would never call a fellow harassed Mum a total bitch though, even if I do detest this enforced eavesdropping nonsense!

OP posts:

thecaptaincrocfamily · 08/01/2011 23:11

I do think yabu for the first example, it is fact that most one year olds are incapable of sharing but it is also obvious that some 4 year olds do not understand this and may wonder why they should not get the toy back. The mother was likely trying to prevent her child retaliating.

The other things YANBU and my DM etc do similar!

ohyaychristmas · 08/01/2011 23:13

'...for the colonel's lady and Rosie O'Grady Barnaby's mummy are sisters under the skin...'

beachholiday · 08/01/2011 23:16

"On one occasion my mother said to my then week old son "We'll have to remind mummy to hold our head up won't we?"! (Obviously I know how to hold the baby but not quite sure at what point I've ever held my mother's head up but she clearly sees it as a joint venture!).

To which my sister thought I should reply to the baby "We'll have to remind nanny to butt out won't we?". "

ROFL at kmr's sister

TheMeow · 08/01/2011 23:47

2 hours after I gave birth my MIL turned up unnanounced and uninvited with BIL aged 16 and SIL's aged 7 and 5. She then said to SIL's "You want to stay with stay with Meow and the baby while I take BIL to football don't you". To which SIL's of course said yes and MIL proceeded to fuck off for 2 hours leaving me with two children and a newborn to look after.

DH, who had been at home retrieving items he had forgotten to put back in my hospital bag when looking for the tens machine earlier that day, came back an hour into my impromptu babysitting session and ended up taking them to the park. He had to to stop them trying to take the baby off me, playing with the cot, the breast pump, going through my bag, squirting alcohol gel at each other....MIL will never be forgiven for what she did then.

ontariomama · 09/01/2011 00:04

we got to see this from both sides : )
When dd (3 at the time) was in the waiting room of our local hospital, she saw a little boy (about 5) with a soother in his mouth. She walked up to him, took it, and said "Your Mummy shouldn't let you have this, its made for babies, that's why its shaped like a nipple!" and threw it in the trash. I felt terrible, and appologized to the other Mum. Years later, I was telling that story to a friend, and my dd had a good laugh. We talked about why it is so important not to parent other people's kids. Fast forward a few years, now at the dr.s office, dd is 13. A woman comes out of the inner rooms, with a little boy ( about 3ish) who was drinking from a bottle. An old lady starts in with "You poor thing! Doesn't you Mummy know you don't want that? You want a sippy cup! Tell Mummy to throw away that baby bottle" and on and on. The mother was trying, politely, to shrug off the comments with "well, he only has it when he is tired." "we will be using a cup soon" and such. Everyone in the waiting room was feeling awkward, when my daughter pipes up, to the mother, in a loud cherry voice "I tried to tell a little boy's mother he had to give up his soother once, but I was really little then, and didn't know better!" Cue huge grins, and smothered laughs around the room, and a very greatful smile from the mum!

PrincessScrumpy · 09/01/2011 00:19

Swanandduck - I know what you mean but I prefer that than ignoring the child. DH took DD to the park at 18 months. She loves birds and he was showing her the nest and explaining about the bird making it, eggs hatching, baby chicks etc. A mum walks passed pushing a pushchair, smoking and say "What the hell are you telling her that for - she doesn't know what you're saying." Sorry, but dd did know what he was saying and told my mil the next day (in broken sentences) that birds live in nests etc.

Also, nursery rhymes get dull after a while!

wayoftheworld · 09/01/2011 00:22

I could have sworn this was about my MIL...bless her!!

MilkNoSugarPlease · 09/01/2011 00:25

JessicaRabid-

:o Barnabys mother sounds EXACTLY like my relative!

Who has a 4y old son....called Barnaby :o :o

I've been in Sainsburys buying formula with my youngest charge, a woman came up and said to charge "poor baby, your mummy doesn't love you enough to feed you properly"

I literally just stood there like

Even now I think about it and am shocked!

ManateeEquineOhara · 09/01/2011 09:22

Ontariomama - Loving the comment your daughter made - both times actually

monkeyflippers · 09/01/2011 12:04

TheMeow - That is horendous! What did you and your DH do?! Did he talk to her about it? What is she stupid? Jesus Christ, how inconsiderate! Talk about taking the piss! I was annoyed enough that my in-laws didn't bother coming to see my DS when he was in hospital but at least they didn't come and leave me to babysit random kids.

TheMeow · 09/01/2011 13:50

We haven't said anything because we think it may have been a moment of madness on her part - she's normally really nice and that was completely out of character, I think that's why dh and I were so shocked. It's normally my mum who does the completely inappropriate things. Speaking of which...

My mum also turned up about 15 minutes after ds was born despite being told I don't want anyone at the hospital until I say so. I was still in the delivery room and hadn't had a wash or fed ds or anything...and it made me very uncomfortable trying to bf for the first time in front of her! I did tell her at the time to go away but she wouldn't and I have had words with her about it because she knew I didn't want her there. She just says "But he's my first grandchild! I had to know you were both ok!"

xstitch · 09/01/2011 14:23

You are so NBU. I am not even going to go into the messages given to DD by XH and XIL, I will start ranting.

monkeyflippers · 09/01/2011 21:20

xstitch - oh go on!

ontariomama · 10/01/2011 04:15

ManateeEquineOhara everyday we walk the fine line between funny and a little too cheeky!

lindy100 · 10/01/2011 07:57

My MIL is very well meaning, but does the thing where she adopts DD's voice and talks to me - my name is now Mummy for the purposes of MIL.

The mnost memorable time she talked to me through DD in a passive-aggressive way was when DD was 7 months - we skipped purees, and the first time MIL saw DD pluckily sucking away on a well-steamed piece of broccoli, she looked for a few moments, then said 'nasty mummy, teasing you like that when you must be so hungry'. Even though she knew I was BF on demand.

The BF was another thing - 'you can't be hungry AGAIN, mummy has just fed you' - I think she thought I was just saying this to get her back in my arms. This was from birth!

SookyStackhouse · 12/01/2011 21:10

My DH tried this last night to get me to pick up grizzly DS (after I had looked after him all day and DH had gone to play football after work). 'Is mummy leaving you to cry DS?', so I did it right back and he took the hint

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