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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to detest people saying things "to" children...

124 replies

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 07/01/2011 11:58

...that they don't dare say to the nearby adult for whom the message is really intended?

Mum in playgroup whose 4 year old is grappling with my 1 year old for possession of a toy: "Never mind, Barnaby, the little boy obviously hasn't learned how to share"

Random stranger on bus, to baby: "Oh dear, what nasty person made you go out with no gloves on like that!"

Worse still though are the emotionally blackmailing ones to kids old enough to be confused by them...

Elderly relative to my 7 year old on our monthly visit: "I hope you won't take so long about visiting me next time (injured sniff)"

Relative to my daughter: "When Mummy has the baby, can I come with you when you meet her for the first time?" (to which sweet innocent child says "Yes of course you can" while annoying relative, who has been asked to give us a few hours after the birth before they descend, shoots triumphant glance at me over child's head)

I hate sneakiness of all kinds, but trying to implicate children in sneakiness really ticks me off.

OP posts:
Tysonandthehouseelves86 · 07/01/2011 17:22

My sister was telling my newborn dd that she is the best auntie and my inlaws wouldnt like her anyway as they prefer my ds. Ds is 2.6 months and was in the room at the time. I wasnt very pleased tbh!

sarahitaly · 07/01/2011 17:28

loveulotslikejellytots

"Over my dead body would I want anyone who isn't completely necessary looking at my fanjo... "

I'm with you on that, although I think it would have been the least of my problems, the second the midwife left the room she'd have rammed her arm up there to the elbow trying to yank him out cooing "come to Nonna, come my precious miracle sent as a gift for Nonna being a good Catholic (and rampantly insane) woman"

Luckily Italian hospitals typically have strict no unnecessary spectators policies and security did a fine job of keeping her out.

I ended up with a c-sec at the end, I think it was due to "miracle baby" having had one too many conversations directed at him in utero and thinking to himself "they are a right bunch of nutters out there, I'm staying here me."

Laquitar · 07/01/2011 17:29

LoveRedShoes this drives me mad too!

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 17:40

sadie - that is absolutely permissible as you said it to her Wink

peachygirl · 07/01/2011 17:40

I haven't read the whole thread but I have had two of these recently. At a party in the summer dd1 (at the time 11months old) had a bit of chicken nugget. Another mum came over and said " oh no you shouldn't have that" and took it off her!
Now DD2 is dinky and looks much younger than she is but I did raise an eyebrow and no I'm not stuffing my children regularly with chicken nuggets but I do like them (dd2 inparticular as she is turning out to be picky) to taste a broad range of food. She can taste what she likes.

The other one was at ballet with the other mums waiting, There was a grandmother who had not been before and she had another younger chld with her. I take toys for dd2 to play with and she and another little boy have great fun together playing with bits and bobs. This other child came over and helped herself to the toys putting lots of them in her mouth and grandma spots this and obviously though they weren't age appropriate as she gave me the toy back and said "Oh I don't think she should have this".
I think I just muttered oh no and took it back whilst thinking bring your own toys then I'm not here to provide stimulation for your child!

AlwaysbeOpralFruitstome · 07/01/2011 18:05

Annoying isn't it? I get this a fair bit as I have children who hate hats/scarfs/mitts etc and remove them swiftly after being adorned with them. I usually get the child to 'answer back' eg the other day when a lady at the atm asked my 11 month old why mummy hadn't put a hat on him to keep his head warm, I turned to DS and said 'Should we ask the nice lady if she would like try and put a hat on you?...and make you KEEP it on? That'll be fun won't it pudding?'

She did a sort of embarrassed laugh and said 'Oh does he not like hats'? Me - 'I dunno, ask him'. Rude old besom.

NarcolepsyQueen · 07/01/2011 19:41

'I dunno, ask him' - rofl Grin

ShoppingDays · 07/01/2011 20:07

YANBU. I'd say to the person next to them on the bus "Ooh, don't you think the woman next to you should learn to talk directly to the parent, instead of criticising them to the baby in a passive-aggressive way?"

PixieOnaLeaf · 07/01/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

imgonnaliveforever · 07/01/2011 21:30

My MIL speaks to me on behalf of my baby. E.g. "Mummy, I need a coat." "Oh dear. Mummy I'm hungry, please give me a little drink (while ds was still breastfed).

Drives me mad! I'll decide if they need a fucking coat or not.

FredKarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 23:04

"Mummy, Grandma is passive aggressive" ...

prettymuchapixiegirl · 07/01/2011 23:23

This sort of thing gets on my nerves too; I have a friend who has a DS the same age as my DS, and she is quite competitive, so will make little digs about her DS being more advanced, by talking to my DS. Such as

"Oh you are so happy just sitting there doing nothing aren't you? Whilst X wants to be a big boy and likes to run around"

"Oooh what are you eating? X wonders what you've got because he normally eats big boy food"

I hate it too when my children have had a tantrum in town and you get some passive aggressive do-gooder coming up to them "Oh dear what's all that noise about then? Isn't mummy being nice to you?" I usually glare at them and move the buggy round to the other side of me.

Opralfruits, I love your response to the lady that mentioned your son not having a hat on!

countless · 07/01/2011 23:54

oh good lord my dh does this

if dd cries he looks over all concerned and asks "what did mama do? tell me straight away if she does it again i won't let mama hurt you!"

he thinks he's hilarious..i tell him off each time but it's so draining

TimeForACHEEKYWine · 08/01/2011 01:02

i remember when my DS1(4) was sent for blood tests if we felt he needed them.

bit of background, my dads diabetic and said it can be hereditary. After having the DCs for a weekend, dad said
''he drinks alot and wees a lot''
so i said
''well he will wee alot if he is drinking alot''

Dad said i should get his bloods checked. Anyway i went to doctors and doctor said if we felt confortable DS having the blood test then we can take him. Dad came over on way to a football match and dropped off DS1s birthday card and prresent one night and asked
Dad - ''has jack had his blood tests yet''
me - no not yet as i dont feel i want him to have them yet. Doctors not worried about diabetes.
Dad - well i think you should.

In the mean time DSs was playing with a car ambulance

DS1(3at the time) - Grandpa look at my ambulance

Dad - yeah you will be in one of them if your mother doesnt pull her finger out.

Shock

Couldnt believe he said it.

JellyBelly10 · 08/01/2011 01:15

I know this is rather off-topic as it involves my cat being used as the go-between to talk to me...but here goes anyway! I am not terribly good at phoning my mum regularly and I don't see her more than a few times a year. When I was working full time, in the days pre-children, I was even worse as I was either at work all day or out in the evening so rarely phoned my mum at all Blush.
One day the post arrived and there was an envelope addressed to my cat (called Kiwi)!! So I opened it and it was from my mum and it said:
"Dear Kiwi, I know that you would phone me if you could, love Grandma x"
!!!!!!!!!!!!

FredKarnosCircus · 08/01/2011 08:54

Pixie girl - I utterly, totally hate that kind of shit. It is terrible behaviour.

I don't suppose you would retaliate, but I can think of plenty of approaches if you ever wanted to.

Grrrr to her. Is she really a friend?

TandB · 08/01/2011 09:02

Chopity - I feel your pain. DS isn't even particularly dark. He just has the same yellow tinge that I have due to some insanely persistent eastern European genes. The number of bloody times I got "ooh he's got a bit of a suntan hasn't he" coupled with an accusing glance.
No! He bloody well hasn't! Otherwise why am I exactly the same colour and his dad is all pink and white and English looking!

monkeyflippers · 08/01/2011 10:07

"Dear Kiwi, I know that you would phone me if you could, love Grandma x"

I think that's actually pretty funny and sounds like it was meant as a joke.

I've never really had the adult talking to me through my child thing (that I can remember) but I hate it in general when other people feel the need to comment univited. Had a woman in the swimming pool the other day comment on my DS. He is 2 and hates cold water and the pool was particularly cold. I took him in anyway and lowered him in the water and he was clinging to me and shivering and going a bit blue. After a while of doing this he asked to get out. As I was getting out with him a woman (whose opinion I hadn't even asked or even looked at) said

"you need to get him into the water"

I said "yeah I've already done that" (indicating where he was wet)

she said "yeah well you ned to get him into the water and then he'll warm up"

me "HE'S ALREADY BEEN IN THE WATER FOR AGES, HE DOESN'T LIKE IT!"

A bit off subject but wanted to punch her as DS was all upset and saying "mummy mummy mummy" over and over as he was so cold.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/01/2011 11:38

Dear grandma

I'm a cat

Don't do nowt unless it involves whiskas

Kiwi x meow

prettymuchapixiegirl · 08/01/2011 12:49

FredKarnos, I wonder the same thing myself about her. I think that deep down she is a nice person and means well but she's quite insecure and so is competitive with the kids. It does annoy me how she makes out her child is a genius when he and my DS are very similar in their physical abilities and speech.

JessicaRabid · 08/01/2011 13:10

My MIL to (then) 9 month old DD whilst feeding her "Aren't you a big fat pig just like your mummy" Shock I still can't let it go!

StealthPolarBear · 08/01/2011 13:12

Tell your 1yo: "Don't worry dear we'll look up "passive aggressive" in your encyclopedia when you get home"

StealthPolarBear · 08/01/2011 13:32

oh my mum does the mummy says no thing
"Do you want another biscuit, darling, OK OK we'll ask mummy, mummy?"
"No, he's had 15 already"
"Oh darling, mummy said no"

FredKarnosCircus · 08/01/2011 15:21

SPBear - I may do that to DH when he's being draconian ... Blush ... but he can be a bit erratic with his definition of contraband. All the same, I feel ashamed now Blush

Pixie - there were a couple of women like that in my ante natal group, and I am happier without them. It's hard to avoid subconscious comparisons, without her doing it explicitly! Maybe you could take a trick from her and say, "That was quite rude, wasn't it?" to your DS. Or tackle it head on: "I've noticed you make a lot of comparisons between the boys. It's an easy trap to fall into, isn't it?".

I know you didn't ask for advice! I am seething for you, though!

prettymuchapixiegirl · 08/01/2011 15:24

LOL Stealth at looking in the encyclopedia!

FredKarnos, that's a good idea, I'm going to have to tackle her on it at some point as she does my noggin in at times