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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to detest people saying things "to" children...

124 replies

WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 07/01/2011 11:58

...that they don't dare say to the nearby adult for whom the message is really intended?

Mum in playgroup whose 4 year old is grappling with my 1 year old for possession of a toy: "Never mind, Barnaby, the little boy obviously hasn't learned how to share"

Random stranger on bus, to baby: "Oh dear, what nasty person made you go out with no gloves on like that!"

Worse still though are the emotionally blackmailing ones to kids old enough to be confused by them...

Elderly relative to my 7 year old on our monthly visit: "I hope you won't take so long about visiting me next time (injured sniff)"

Relative to my daughter: "When Mummy has the baby, can I come with you when you meet her for the first time?" (to which sweet innocent child says "Yes of course you can" while annoying relative, who has been asked to give us a few hours after the birth before they descend, shoots triumphant glance at me over child's head)

I hate sneakiness of all kinds, but trying to implicate children in sneakiness really ticks me off.

OP posts:
Unrulysun · 07/01/2011 13:33

I'm getting all cross and ranty about this now: in the summer when dd was very little MIL told her 'they're getting it all wrong aren't they?' - apparently it's good for babies to cry and they should only be fed when they have been crying for a while, not when you notice that they are hungry.

Is there a book of how to be a stereotypical evil mother in law somewhere? Or is it a process they perform at the hospital (possibly alongside injecting 'dad' humour into my dh?)

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 13:39

I don't think it's necessarily a MIL thing. I think it may be a passive/aggressive cohort thing. Hopefully our generation will be more assertive

swanandduck · 07/01/2011 13:47

ROFL at your mum's 'song' *Fanjo^

swanandduck · 07/01/2011 13:47

Fanjo even.

NarcolepsyQueen · 07/01/2011 13:48

I'm lurking and loling at the same time Grin

LoveRedShoes · 07/01/2011 13:50

Loving this thread - all true.
I particularly hate it when mums start talking in an extra loud 'look at me and my intelligent child' voice - so gratingly patronizing.
I was in Cafe Rouge having a lovely rare lunch out with DH and DCs, and one of those nightmare mums came in with a DS similar to my DS age.
She proceeded to read out the menu very loudly in a 'aren't we having a cultured time, darling' - F-R-I-T-E-S dahling, French for chipped potatoes. She was talking sooooo loudly in a 'look at me having a wonderful mummy time with my son'.
Her DH then turned up with a small bunch of flowers, and she then proclaimed loudly so everyone would look 'oh look darling, flowers for mummy from daddy. Daddy must really love mummy. Aren't you lucky to have a daddy that loves his mummy so much'.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 13:55

LoveRedShoes. Sometimes I think these women are going do-lally. I know the feeling of talking to small children so much that even when you aren't with them you start pointing out aeroplanes to your DH, but that is taking it the a whole other level.

I think it's often quite anxious people who do it too, sort of "If I don't talk to my child non-stop he/she will never learn to talk and will all be my fault"

NarcolepsyQueen · 07/01/2011 14:00

There are sooo many examples of people doing this every single day. Statistically some of them must be mumsnetters mustn't they [gasps in horror at the thought]. Come on ..... stand up and account for yourselves Grin

Unwind · 07/01/2011 14:02

+1 JamieLee, I always think that is a sign of someone who is really trying, and probably on the edge of coping

Original poster
WillYouDoTheDangFanjo · 07/01/2011 14:15

Unwind, that's a wise observation. A friend of mine struggles with bipolar and when she's having a hard time, she gives a constant running commentary on everything she is doing with her toddler, as if to validate it. She says she finds it helps her to stay present.

I think the Cafe Rouge lady was probably just showing off though...

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 14:16

Yes, Unwind, I do feel sympathy 'cos there's an edge of desperation in some cases (been there)

bupcakesandcunting · 07/01/2011 15:05

Would you believe it? DH has just come in and DS told him that the batteries had run out on his remote control car so he had been unable to play them.

DH "Well, have we taken the batteries out and put them in the charger?"

DS "No" (he is 3 Hmm)

DH "Well that's what we need to do. We need to take them out and charge them. They won't charge left in the toy, will they?"

DS "stuffs Wotsits into face"

Hmm My own, PA husband.

JamieLeeCurtis · 07/01/2011 15:10

Shock cupcake

tell your DS from me: "that's right. We need to take them out ourselves and not blether on about it"

bupcakesandcunting · 07/01/2011 15:13

Heh heh :) Wouldn't mind but I'm bedridden with gastroenteritis! He knew I could hear him from DS's bedroom. Oh well he's gone out now. Tosspot.

CrazyChristmasLady · 07/01/2011 15:15

My nan is terrible for telling DS that "mummy says no" with a furtive glance at me. I know full well if I didn't have some boundaries wrt food she would be shovelling crap down his neck all day and every time he asked, but its clearly evil mummy who won't let her. Or evil mummy that doesn't let him jump on the bed but he knows great nanny will, hence hm constantly wanting to go upstairs at their house to jump on the bed. Grrrrrr.

saffy85 · 07/01/2011 15:24

"What's your nasty mummy doing to make you cry so much my beautiful baby?" Said by MIL to 2 week old DD. Angry

Me: "Nothing you silly cow. She has colic. So she screams. Like your eldest apparently did when she had colic as a baby. Do you have anymore pointless questions?" Hmm

Yes I did say that out loud to MIL. Sleep deprivation+ screaming baby+ and stupid thoughtless numbskulls asking even stupider questions makes me react rather nastily....

saffy85 · 07/01/2011 15:28

"Oh no darling you're not having biscuits. Only silly school girl mummies give their babies biscuits when they're in their buggy." Said by smuggy mummy in a loud voice to her DS while looking down her huge hooter at me, all the while her DS was reaching out trying to steal my DD's rich tea biscuit.

Fucking cowbag. And I am NOT and never have been a "school girl mummy". That isn't the point, but I'm not.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 07/01/2011 16:24

I once chased mil out of the house when dd was about 6 months old, she'd ended up with awful nappy rash because of some anti biotics she was on, conversation went something like this,

Old bag :- Poor ducky babies mummies been nasty and cruel, look how sore your poor baby bumcheeks are, nasty cruel mummy hasn't been cleaning you has she ?? Never mind, Grandma will look after you and tell mummy off and go to the mummy police and tell them mummy is being cruel to my baby duckie, yes she will, she will.

DD :- Goo Goo Ga Ga.

Me :- Get out of my fucking house, you've gone too far this time you stupid bitch !

NarcolepsyQueen · 07/01/2011 16:24

saffy85 - I would love to be mistaken as a school-girl mummy!

sarahitaly · 07/01/2011 16:29

My first brush with this was MIL jamming her honker against my bulging belly saying "wouldn't Nonna's precious gift from La Madonna (chopped liver me, mere imported gro-bag for Catholic flavoured pressies for MIL) like Nonna to be there in the room when you're born ?"

Far as I'm concerned the unborn don't get a vote in the picking of spectators. But I'm funny like that.

loveulotslikejellytots · 07/01/2011 16:53

Pissed myself reading that sarahitaly!!! If you remove the catholic bit you have my Mil. And i'm not even pregnant yet. She's already told my best friend that she's going to be there when I give birth... Hmm

Over my dead body would I want anyone who isn't completely necessary looking at my fanjo...Grin that includes DH!!

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 07/01/2011 17:02

Whilst at MILs for my 4 week old daughters first visit to "salems lot" in front of her clan, MIL incessantly jiggling my hysterical daughter, quite clear my dd is needing a nappy change... I have a baby that can't abide a wet nappy, I wrestle dd from her jiggling nightmare

MIL "is naughty mummy upsetting you by changing you? You were happy being carried by granny weren't you?" - in annoying baby voice grrr

Me - didn't say a word, I could have smacked her one though, she was effing crying because you would not pass her back to her mummy when she wanted changing!

This is the same woman who saw my dd wearing an "i love mummy" sleep suit, and as soon as she flocked it, said, in same peevish baby voice "but granny loves you too!" - arghhhh!

Plumm · 07/01/2011 17:09

apocalypse, that's awful! (your MIL, not your reaction - that was brilliant)

sadiesadiemarriedlady · 07/01/2011 17:11

Oops, I did this today to my daughter, we were in a shop and some sale rack obsessed woman came bashing into my baby's pram, I said to my older daughter (who is 4) 'oh maybe that lady has forgotten the words excuse me', I deliberately said it loud enough for her to hear, and yes, I am a scaredy cat so ran off very quickly in case she bashed me again.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 07/01/2011 17:19

Ah plumm, she was a total cow.

I once asked her to stop buying stuff as I was living at my mums at the time, mums house wasn't huge and simply didn't have space for the small pram i'd bought, the fecking big silvercross jobby mil bought for when she took dd out and the push chair mil bought which HAD to be kept at my mums. The 1001 outfits, one in each colour, piles of toys, it was silly and unfair on my mum. Anyways, she had a huge screaming hissy fit and flew around the house with bin bags grabbing everything she'd ever bough -Which suited me fine--

She didn't 'win' that time either, just made herself look stupid, we don't speak anymore.........

Funnily enough her husbands bi polar, they split up about 3 years ago ( she was shagging men off the internet) and he's now the best i've ever seen him, hasn't been sectioned since !!

Says it all really Wink

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