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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was she reasonable to ask this?

36 replies

speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 05:26

When my mother-in-law first time met my parents before our wedding she asked me carefully ''Are both your parents on their first marriage?''

I found her question embarrassing and she was being rude to ask this. What do you think? Do people ask this between in-laws?

OP posts:
bruxeur · 07/01/2011 05:30

Did she ask them or you?

In their presence or before seeing them?

Your OP is not v clear.

If there are going to be problems ranging from the logistical (seating plans) to the emotional ('e didn't ort to 'ave said that to our Shirl) then of course it matters if you're planning a wedding.

Divorce and remarriage is very common. Why shouldn't she ask?

Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 05:32

She asked ME the question when they are at present.

OP posts:
bruxeur · 07/01/2011 05:36

I don't know what that means.

TechnoKitten · 07/01/2011 05:42

I don't think she was being particularly unreasonable, although if they were present and within earshot it might have been awkward because she didn't address the question directly to them.

There is a lot of remarriage, many people's extended family includes a stepfather/mother or a birth parent in addition to the main carers. Maybe she was mentally planning a guest list? Or maybe she thought she recognised one of your parents but from a different couple/context?

Or she could have been concerned that if you'd come from a broken marriage first time round you may be statistically more likely to be heading for one with her DS, or she may just be an evil witch from MIL-Hell-Central.

Why were you embarrassed by the question? Can't see anything to be embarrassed about and I don't think it's rude at all.

Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 05:47

I introduced my parents to my parent's-in-laws when they first time met each other at my home. And my mother-in-law was standing next to me and asked me the question just before being introduced to my parents while my parents were there.

OP posts:
YunoYurbubson · 07/01/2011 05:48

I suppose it may have been a bit nosy of her.

Notmsure why you'd be embarrassed though, there's no shame in any answer to that question.

I think you need to chill a bit. Or a lot. This woman is going to be a part of your family and your life for a very long time. If you are going to take umbrage every time she makes conversation that isn't precicely to your exacting standards, you are in for a very stressful time.

thumbwitch · 07/01/2011 05:50

that's pretty strange - why did it matter to her? why did she have to ask when your parents were within earshot? And why not ask them? Unless there is a language barrier involved?

Is she particularly religious? And are you different nationalities?

Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 05:58

I dont understand why she asked such a question. She was just a nosy person or she wanted to make sure not to make a mistake during converation? Or She wanted to make sure I was from a family who never devorced? I dont think she is well mannered or well educated to aske that kind of question..

OP posts:
Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 06:06

Yes we are differnent nationalities and there is a language barrier involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 06:15

My parents-in-law were their first marriage and so my parents were by the way.

OP posts:
kayah · 07/01/2011 06:21

different nationalities - different customs
:)
I think is reasonable to ask

MadamDeathstare · 07/01/2011 06:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TechnoKitten · 07/01/2011 06:35

Then I'd have been tempted to reply "this is my mother, you can ask her yourself!" in a bright cheery voice. And turn to your mother and say "this is my DP's mother and I'm curious too - any extra guests I should know about?"

But then when my MIL met my father they both already knew the other's history, on account of I talk to both of them and it had cropped up in conversations previously.

I think you're being unreasonable to make assumptions on her manners or education based on that question - as I said, I don't think it was rude at all.

(However I shall store it up as something else not to upset any future DIL with asking and make sure I check with my sons first!)

Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 06:57

I didnt think it seriously I didnt think it matters because I had a good relationship with her at that time but now I dont and am a bit unpleasant.
Sorry but what is DP and DIL?

OP posts:
Laquitar · 07/01/2011 07:07

Bizarre question.

Is one of your parents much younger? Perhaps she was doing maths with ages?

gingernutlover · 07/01/2011 07:11

maybe she was asking before she had a conversation with them, it's possible one of them was your step parent etc so maybe she just didnt want to embarass herself later on.

It must have been a bit awkward of her to ask you right in front of them though, but the actual question was perfectly reasonable.

onceamai · 07/01/2011 07:19

Reasonable question but why didn't she know already, ie, from her son.

If she'd asked me in earshot of my mum and step father, my step father would have come straight back and said "third for the wife and second for me - that's why we're insisting on a pre-nup for dsd".

TechnoKitten · 07/01/2011 07:21

DP "dear partner" DIL "daughter in law" - sorry, the acronyms come without thinking after a while!

megansmummy1 · 07/01/2011 07:29

This sort of thing is very important to my mother as she thinks it means you will have a good understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work long term if your parents stayed together, she asked me about my in laws before they met tho!!!

Bahhhumbug · 07/01/2011 07:31

I think she was probably making sure they were both your parents or whether she was meeting one of your parents and a step-parent. Just wanted to know who exactly she was meeting and her way of asking was infinitely more polite than asking - 'Is this your real dad?' or 'is this your real mother?'

Agree you need to chill and in future if you wonder why she asks you anything just ask her outright - 'Why do you ask?' - simple.

Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 07:37

No mum was only 2 years younger than my dad

OP posts:
Original poster
speaktoyou · 07/01/2011 07:48

She couldn't ask her son before because my husband didnt ask me if my parents are their first marriage so he didnt know about it.

She didnt ask me the question right in front of my parents and ask me with a small voice before she was introduced to them so they didnt hear.

OP posts:
theevildead2 · 07/01/2011 07:49

Its an odd question, hard to say if she was being unreasonable because we can't know her motivation.

Maybe she was looking at them both and didn't think you looked one of them?

WHen people see me with my parents they never think my mother and I are related!

LadyBubbaAndBump · 07/01/2011 08:02

Was this recent? If not, why has it suddenly started bothering you now?

It does seem a bit odd, but I think the most obvious explanation is that she didn't want to make a mistake in addressing them in case they were no longer married to each other. I wouldn't worry about it myself.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 07/01/2011 08:03

I think her question shows a certain type of thinking which not evryone atually does...and so you are within your rights to feel uncomfortble about it...but as your future relative by marriage she was doing no wrong in asking.

My friend (male late 30s) met a lovely woman in her early 40s...friends Dad asked her "Are you sporty?" which she took to mean "Will you be able to provide grandchildren despite your age"

Some people are forward about these things.