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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to be honest about not wanting sex and refuse to fake it?

87 replies

FredCarnosCircus · 06/01/2011 23:16

DH wants sex far more than I do. He would probably do it every other night (settling for 1 in 3, possibly). I feel desire about twice a month or so.

Reasons why ... I have always had a low(er) sex drive. We have two small children and raise them in quite a hands-on way that leaves us bog all personal time. We also have quite a stormy relationship and I often don't feel appreciated or particularly loved. We don't share a bedroom at the moment, which us historical (baby related), bur which I actually prefer.

Current circumstances: after I read the riot act pre-Christmas (when he was being such a bad tempered tosser and sleeping with him was the last thing I wanted to do), he has recently been rather lovely. It took me a couple of weeks to trust it was going to last, but we finally had a rather marvellous time in bed on Tuesday night. Since then, he has been on and on and on and on and on to have sex again.

I just ... don't want to yet. I don't want to lie or fake it, either. I don't enjoy rejecting him, but - FFS, leave me alone!

Should I fake it? The idea seems so degrading.
What do you lot reckon? He's sulking and will probably be a tosser tomorrow ...

OP posts:
RailwayChild · 06/01/2011 23:28

DO NOT FAKE

Tell him it's his technique of wooing you which is at fault (because it is)

clam · 06/01/2011 23:29

Tell him that begging is Not A Turn On.

BertieBotts · 06/01/2011 23:30

YANBU. Don't fake it! I would say more but I'll just end up ranting :)

BertieBotts · 06/01/2011 23:33

Also, fuck, it's only Thursday Confused

Maybe you could instigate a discussion saying "The sex on tuesday was fantastic BECAUSE I felt no pressure" ?

Original poster
FredCarnosCircus · 06/01/2011 23:45

Oooohhhh, Bertie, genius :-D I like that.

Thanks for the replies. Faking is wrong, yes?! Although I'm sure it would be a pragmatic kindness ...

OP posts:
huddspur · 06/01/2011 23:47

YADNBU if you're not up for it then don't offer it

Trubert · 06/01/2011 23:51

Faking it - no no no. Once you go down that dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

chillichill · 07/01/2011 00:00

when I'm not in the mood and dh is I sometimes give him a little hand release. keeps him happy, not too much bother for me and it has even been known to get me in the mood for a bit more. marriage is all about compromise, innit?

Yukana · 07/01/2011 04:03

I know how you feel OP. DP and I have a good yet sometimes stormy relationship. Rather, he's obsessed with video games and rarely does anything else, on top of that he likes to grumble when he doesn't get his own way most of the time and publicly on facebook at that.

He's also very fond of sex, but if he tries to start that sort of thing I usually say a flat no if I'm not feeling well, (pregnant, with heavy nausea), or if I'm just not in the mood I'll shake my head and smile saying I'm sorry but not tonight.
I sometimes feel bad when I reject him but he gets the message if I tell it to him straight.

I'm not very good with advice, but good luck!

Original poster
FredCarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 08:08

Chillichill - yes, that's one of our issues. DH doesn't masturbate (how I wish he would) and doesn't really want a hand job. He wants a blow job or sex. To his credit, I suppose, he wants me to orgasm, but that actually adds more pressure, as he will just grind away until I either come or cry.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 07/01/2011 08:24

Oh dear. I can see both sides here, he has needs to and it can't be easy to be rejected all the time. But it's also not nice for you to be pressured and chased after for sex all the time. Especially as it seems you don't enjoy it much. I'm very worried by "he will just grind away until I either come or cry". Perhaps you need to work more on your technique between you? Help him to understand what turns you on. DH and I generally only end up doing penetrative sex for a very short time because we spend so long on foreplay. Perhaps your DH needs to spend more time in the bedroom attending to your needs.

It seems a fairly common problem that the man has a higher sex drive than the women, especially when children are young. But as someone has said, it's all about compromise. You don't need to fake it, but perhaps sometimes you let him initiate sex and go along with it even when you're not particularly in the mood. I find that when I do that, once we get going, I do really enjoy it so there's no faking involved. It doesn't seem fair to me that the partner who doesn't want sex should always be the one to get their own way.

Sadly men often don't realise what a turn-off it is when they whine or grumble for sex. Explain this patiently to him, but also tell him what does get you in the mood. A nice cuddle (with no pressure for it to go further), a nibble on the neck, a massage...

I think a lot of the problem here is poor communication. It can feel weird talking about sex, but you'll never have a satisfying sex life if you can't talk to each other openly about what you really want and need.

LadyBubbaAndBump · 07/01/2011 08:26

"to his credit...he wants me to orgasm" - and you achieve that through a blow job not a hand job?!! Hmm

Tell him what you do like rather than what you don't. It'll really help.

I'm heavily pg and want this baby out, so told my DH he had to get on with it but I wanted him to initiate it sometimes. The next morning he leant over, no kissing or contact or anything nice, tweaked my nips and, surprise surprise, I didn't jump him. I then told him what I did like him doing - which he tried the next night and hey presto, he tried it and got a much more positive reaction :) (still no baby out though Angry)

Original poster
FredCarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 10:41

Yes, there is room for compromise and I think we do need to talk.

The hurdles are that I resent the badgering nag the sulking and he feels rejected and insecure.

Thanks for comments :)

OP posts:
Original poster
FredCarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 10:42

Nag? And!

OP posts:
MsSparkle · 07/01/2011 10:57

I don't understand the whole faking thing? I was with my dh for almost 3 years until I had an orgasm. I didn't fake anything before I started having orgasms either. My dh knew I couldn't o and that was that. I still enjoyed sex, although not as much as now Wink but I knew it wasn't his fault that I didn't o. Something just clicked in my mind one day and that was that, orgasms are a state of mind.

So I don't get the whole faking thing? Surely men aren't stupid enough to think women orgasm every time? Because sex is enjoyable if you don't o as well.

Original poster
FredCarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 11:03

I think it is down to insecurity, Sparkle. It's not all bad - rather he cared than not! - but he does feel very gratified when I orgasm. And very put out if I don't.

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 07/01/2011 11:32

He'll just grind away till I come or cry

Sorry OP you've lost my sympathy. WHY would you let him???

Why wouldn't you say "get off it's uncomfortable"

Crying because your DH is shagging you and you dont like it is a bit pathetic!

MargaretGraceBondfield · 07/01/2011 11:35

I would be really angry by now, just tell your DH to back off. the pressure is driving you away.

Original poster
FredCarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 11:44

Simple - poetic licence, sorry. It was an alliteration.

I say, "I don't think it's going to happen , sorry.". Then he sulks. I may get a little tearful at some point, as a result of feeling so pissed off with his reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
FredCarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 11:45

Meant 'Wimple', not Simple! Auto correct ...

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 07/01/2011 11:46

Grin at calling me Simple! I am sometimes.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 07/01/2011 11:48

My DH is very similar Fred...which is why I get pee'd off on your behalf.

sungirltan · 07/01/2011 11:51

OP- are you me? this sounds exaclty like my marraige is like and i dont know the answer.

whoever said 'he is wooing you wrong' is 100% right in my case but dh doesnt get it :-(

mommmmyof2 · 07/01/2011 11:52

There is nothing worse than feeling pressured but there has to be more communication between you.

I don't think my dh would ever ask for sex again if i cried!

Maybe more foreplay will help, sometimes I am not in the mood but when he starts making an effort with me then I change my mind(most of the time) But when I don't at least we tried and he excepts that it is just not going to happen.

So then I try and pleasure him.But everyone is different.

StAnne · 07/01/2011 11:55

I have had a problem with sex since my teens and I've had a lot of therapy which has helped me understand but not really solved the whole problem.
I didn't wnat to be alone for the rest of my life and I like a little bit of sex I just don't get that final high orgaism. I have been to refered to a lovely doctor in London and I went with my then boyfriend now husband. I still don't get there but hey!I have a lovely husband and Ds I would have been a sad old cow if I tried to find the Holy Grail.
Advice from my Doctor

  1. teach your man what you enjoy
  2. massage helps
  3. The more you do it the better it gets. use it or lose it
  4. Give it a go even if your not in the mood you find that when you let go it quite nice
  5. don't fake but still give it a go if he is understanding.
My own personal tip the more my DH does to help me around the house the more relaxed and loving I feel towards him the more sex we have.
  1. I quite like fantasies and dressing up but that's just me Blush
If you tell him to back off too often, he'll feel rejected and unloved, he will either find love,sex and affection elsewhere or you'll live like brother and sister!
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