... to be honest about not wanting sex and refuse to fake it?

[FredCarnosCircus]

DH wants sex far more than I do. He would probably do it every other night (settling for 1 in 3, possibly). I feel desire about twice a month or so.

Reasons why ... I have always had a low(er) sex drive. We have two small children and raise them in quite a hands-on way that leaves us bog all personal time. We also have quite a stormy relationship and I often don't feel appreciated or particularly loved. We don't share a bedroom at the moment, which us historical (baby related), bur which I actually prefer.

Current circumstances: after I read the riot act pre-Christmas (when he was being such a bad tempered tosser and sleeping with him was the last thing I wanted to do), he has recently been rather lovely. It took me a couple of weeks to trust it was going to last, but we finally had a rather marvellous time in bed on Tuesday night. Since then, he has been on and on and on and on and on to have sex again.

I just ... don't want to yet. I don't want to lie or fake it, either. I don't enjoy rejecting him, but - FFS, leave me alone!

Should I fake it? The idea seems so degrading.
What do you lot reckon? He's sulking and will probably be a tosser tomorrow ...

MsSparkle I wish that click would happen to me again. I orgasm'ed from 14 years until 16 yrs all on my own. (Once with a little help Then the switich went off (I think it was my parents marriage break up that did it!) and it never went on again

Well I had my first o, then a couple more and then I got pregnant with ds and didn't o for a long time after that. It Is only the last year that I have been relaxed enough to orgasm again. Then it isn't everytime we have sex.

Does he really sulk if you don't come? What does he do? It's not s if you don't come on purpose!

Goes all quiet. Takes it personally.

It puts me off speculative sex (suck it and see, if you will), because I feel I have to guarantee the outcome. I have to guarantee the come.

Sometimes, it's a bit like having a third child. The physical demands, the sulking, the kid gloves ... it doesn't exactly fill me with desire!

poor you, OP, cant you see its not about YOU at all - he really doesn't care FOR YOUR SAKE whether you come or not, otherwise he would put the time and effort into finding what you like and wooing you - its very sad, but its all about HIM and how MANLY it makes hime feel if he can make his woman Orgasm

you really need to have a heart to heart about this or it won't get any better

Yeah, I do see that - if he cared what I wanted, he'd run a bath for me and look after the baby when she wakes up in the night.

fredkarnos - re your post of 13.03 - thats my bloody dh too! it is like having a 3rd child :-(

What terrible pressure that you have to guarantee the come. Surprised you can ever orgasm under those circumstances. You say if he really cared he would run you a bath and look after the baby when she wakes up in the night. How are things in the rest of the relationship? You said you don't feel appreciated or particularly loved, and he can be bad tempered. And you said it is like having another child/kid gloves/sulking. How is he with money, helping with hands on childcare in the daytime etc. What is his attitude towards housework?

Does he get off straight away when you ask him to stop grinding away/tell him it is not going to happen.

FredKarnos, he sounds very much like my EXH by the way. He complained every third day not enough though. But didn't sulk every single time about lack of o. But he stored up the sulking about lack of o, lack of enthusiasm which is not surprising when so often pressured to service his needs
when I didn't want to.

So you are not being unreasonable to be honest about not wanting sex and refusing to fake it, or to be put off speculative sex.

I could rant about this for hours, but I'll give you the short version. If you want me to elaborate I will do. My ex was like this, and I had a low sex drive. I tried talking to him, tried faking it, tried offering hand relief, instigated a timetable of when he was allowed to ask - TBH nothing worked for long.

I'm now with someone who is completely horrified at the idea of having sex with someone who isn't really enjoying it, he never ever pressures me (often makes it clear he's interested though ) and I feel completely at ease to tell him no if I'm not in the mood, even if that's when we've already started. Even if I've already come and he hasn't. Even if he's getting very very close and I just suddenly lose the moment! And I know it will be fine, he'll just say "Okay, no problem" and we will cuddle instead. No sulking, no anger, no guilt trips. I know that he'd rather go without, for as long as it takes, than to have sex with me when I wasn't into it. Sometimes we just have really nice gentle sex with no end goal of orgasm for either of us, too :) It's wonderful and I've never had a relationship like this before - I didn't realise sex could be such a shared experience. IME it's usually been pretty one sided, and the sad thing is I didn't even realise that, at the time.

Oh and my sex drive is still low(ish) and/or unpredictable at times, but it's nowhere near as low as it was. It feels within the range of normal now.

(Sorry that was meant to be short )

OP - TBH the 'I dont fancy him because hes always pressuring' excuse never rings true - its chicken and egg. If he stopped pressuring, do you honestly think you would suddenly want sex again? It was lack of sex that started the pressuring in the first place.

DH is happy and bouncing around like a pleased puppy on the back of one good session, begging for more. The sulking and grumpiness is gone.

Mismatched libidos is your real problem. You have to work something out that is tolerable for both of you, recognising both parties needs and expectations.

Dont fake it though!

YOu have deep seated issues that should really be resolved.

Men in your husbands position end up going elsewhere.

YOu come across as enjoying withholding sex.

A relationship is about meeting in the middle not having it all your own way.

Fabbychic that is bollocks.

Is letting yourself be pummeled meeting in the middle?
No.

Gracious me Fabbychic -

That's brutalto add to Otherwise Perfect's "bollocks".

Please don't make what is obviously a difficult and complex situation worse for the OP.

[clicks post before falling into "so all unfaithful husbands have been driven to it" crap trap]

meh

Yeah, to add to the above two posts: I don't enjoy withholding sex. I rarely think about sex.

To address another point made: Like I say in the OP, I'd probably want sex once or twice a month. So I don't think I'd want sex more if he stopped pressuring me.

What I really hoped to thrash out here is the question of whether it's fair not to compromise over sex. I compromise on everything else, but this is too much. It's the inside of my body; I just don't feel good about submitting to sex. If I'm going to be penetrated, I want it to be pleasurable.

I know that sounds a bit precious, but it's how I feel. I compromise (too much) on the rest of my marriage, bur my fadge is my own. We are not too many years past the criminalisation of rape in marriage: I feel very strongly that sex against one's desire is not too far from sex against one's will.

If I could take a pill to increase my sex drive, I would. How lovely it must be, to want to have sex with your husband all the time.

*bur = but

I was just thinking - why am I suddenly getting all militant about this ... ? And it's because it's the kids' bedtime and so the beginning of the daily tussle over sex.

It pisses me off, it really does.

Have name changed but couldn't not post.

Fred. I think you are me. I feel exactly the same. I think I would be more interested if I didn't feel so pressurised about it all the time. We can't just cuddle up on the settee without him dry humping my leg, groping my breasts or sticking his hand between my legs. It is so difficult as I was raped a number of years ago (stranger rape. man broke into house) so sometimes I wonder if I'm over reacting to his overtures (don't think I am but it's difficult to know).

He tells me it's because I'm irresistable but to be honest I think he'd be just as happy if I was a blow up doll!!

When I first had DS he couldn't wait to resume relations. Managed to stave him off for six weeks as I insisted that it was medically dangerous. I eventually gave in and faked it as best I could. Continued with the faking and making an effort for the next 12 months until I found out he had met up in a hotel with an ex on a number of occasions (she lived at the other side of the country about 400 miles away and was married herself so infrequent)during those 12 months. His excuse was that it was nice to be with someone who enjoyed sex. Consequently I no longer fake it and am a lot more up front. 15 years later I still feel so angry about that. Making an effort to do something to please him and 'meeting him half way' to have it thrown back in my face.

I'm not sure what the solution is though. I know posters on here have talked about communication but it doesn't seem to work. I need to feel loved to want sex with him and he feels rejected if I don't want sex. We just can't seem to meet in the middle.

He asks me what I would like but to be honest at the moment it's to never have sex again ever. However I know that's not reasonable (well not if I want to continue in this relationship and we have two kids so it's not a decision I would take lightly)and in actual fact if he just left me alone a bit I probably would be more 'up for it'.

Pumpkin - oh, that sounds so upsetting. I'm so sorry that happened. It is/was so unfair.

Do you have a daughter? I sometimes think: what would I want to say to her about sex, her right to say no, and the fact she should never, ever gave sex if she doesn't want to? And then I wonder what her father would say to her.

**gave = have

Bertie - it sounds lovely. Good for you - I envy you x

It's the inside of my body; I just don't feel good about submitting to sex. If I'm going to be penetrated, I want it to be pleasurable.

I know that sounds a bit precious, but it's how I feel.

Totally, totally not precious. Honestly you are really not being unreasonable here.

I don't think mismatched sex drives are what causes problems in a relationship, I think that the way it's dealt with is what causes the problems. Compromise is often touted as a good solution, but it doesn't address the underlying issue - okay so the person with a higher sex drive badgers a bit less, and the person with a lower sex drive puts up and shuts up a certain number of times a week. No, that doesn't solve the underlying problem at all. The person with the lower sex drive is still going to feel used and resentful, and the person with the higher sex drive is still going to feel rejected and unsatisfied, because sex is crap when there's no spark.

You both need to understand why the other one feels as they do and try to work out ways of addressing these feelings, together, not necessarily involving sex. It could involve sex, but generally the lack of sex is the symptom, and will sort itself out when you fix the root cause. If this isn't possible with your partner then it very likely means this is going to be an issue which never really goes away :(

In my marriage it's the other way round, I'm the one with the high sex drive - though currently 7 months pregnant and have oddly lost all desire for sex from about my 7th week!

However my point is that whilst I'm not pregnant I would happily be at it every night of the week but DH simply wouldn't and I would never pressure him into it. I'm very much aware that he has a stressful job and that during the week simply doesn't have the energy or inclination to do anything past 10pm but sleep.

I wouldn't get any enjoyment out of forcing him to have sex with me - where is the fun in that?

Your comment on he gets upset when you don't orgasm makes it sound like he's seeing sex as a challenge with a goal at the end - it's not sometimes good sex doesn't end with a big O but a totally contented connection with the person you are with. You need to find a way to communicate better with him regarding this to get him to see that pressuring you is simply making it even worse.

Hope you find a solution.

Fred. No I have boys. However I think a girl always has an absolute right to say 'no' however there may be consequences to that and sometimes a compromise needs to be reached. Realtionships are always about compromise really aren't they and that's not just about the sexual aspect. A friend of mine and her partner have a 'date night' every Friday where they have sex no matter what. It seems a bit clinical to me but seems to work for them. he would however like sex more often where she admits even once a week can be a bit of a struggle for her but that is their agreement and that is their compromise for each other.

Bertie 'I don't think mismatched sex drives are what causes problems in a relationship, I think that the way it's dealt with is what causes the problems'. I couldn't agree more.

As I have said in theory I would quite happily never have sex again I also realise if I want to maintain my relationship then I do need to compromise and consider his needs. Is my right not to have sex greater than his right to have sex. Literally speaking I suppose the answer is 'yes' because the alternative would result in rape. However again I suppose it's down to reaching a compromise.

I have seen on here posters who say that for whatever reason they don't want to have sex and they haven't done for many years and that their 'partner totally respects their choice'. My first thought is always that their partner is probably having an affair then but then maybe that's just me!!!