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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to be honest about not wanting sex and refuse to fake it?

87 replies

FredCarnosCircus · 06/01/2011 23:16

DH wants sex far more than I do. He would probably do it every other night (settling for 1 in 3, possibly). I feel desire about twice a month or so.

Reasons why ... I have always had a low(er) sex drive. We have two small children and raise them in quite a hands-on way that leaves us bog all personal time. We also have quite a stormy relationship and I often don't feel appreciated or particularly loved. We don't share a bedroom at the moment, which us historical (baby related), bur which I actually prefer.

Current circumstances: after I read the riot act pre-Christmas (when he was being such a bad tempered tosser and sleeping with him was the last thing I wanted to do), he has recently been rather lovely. It took me a couple of weeks to trust it was going to last, but we finally had a rather marvellous time in bed on Tuesday night. Since then, he has been on and on and on and on and on to have sex again.

I just ... don't want to yet. I don't want to lie or fake it, either. I don't enjoy rejecting him, but - FFS, leave me alone!

Should I fake it? The idea seems so degrading.
What do you lot reckon? He's sulking and will probably be a tosser tomorrow ...

OP posts:

dementedma · 07/01/2011 20:32

op and pumpkin - you could both be me. this thread is too close to home for comfort
Comforting, in a sad way that its not just me out there "suffering" with this

FredKarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 20:44

Thanks, bertie, winters and pumpkin. It's a relief to discuss this, because my previous attempts to ( with DH) are so fraught with difficulty.

I was once in a relationship in which my partner went off sex. I think, in hindsight, he was snagging someone else .. anyway, it did make me feel terrible. It was the summer I learned to masturbate, actually (Yaaaay me) but physical release didn't make me feel any better about his rejection of me. So I do have real sympathy for DH ... ugh, it's so tricky to deal with.

FredKarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 20:45

Demented ... shit, isn't it x

DozyDoll · 07/01/2011 21:04

It's predictable advice but could you get a baby sitter, arrange a date for a meal/cinema/go for a drink with the understaning that the emphasis is about being kind to each other and spending time together with no guarantee or pressure for sex when you get home?

If the above is a possibility I would suggest (if money permits) making an effort eg getting hair done. Get the babysitter to come early so you can spend time getting ready - there is nothing more stressful than having the pressure of making an effort to go out and having not a minute to get ready (this has opposite effect). I can't even be arsed shaving my legs most of the time 'cause i'm so knackered, but I know that when I put the effort in I feel more up for it. Don't know about you lot, but if I feel better about myself I am nicer to my DP generally. I think you maybe need to look at ways of how you can make yourself want sex more - be proactive.

When we haven't had sex for a while, my DP actually becomes really tetchy and narky. He never pressures me into it, to be fair, but sometimes it takes him being a narky tosser for me to realise we haven't had sex in a while. Then I'll make an effort (even it it's just a quickie) and we'll both feel much closer and will comment on how we should remember NOT to leave it so long next time.
Hope this helps.

DozyDoll · 07/01/2011 21:20

Forgot to actually answer the question! URNBU you are just being human - 2 small children, exhausted, DH with tosser tendencies - it's totally normal. You shouldn't fake an o, but IMO occasionally even if you are not 100% up for it you should probably reach a compromise (without letting him know it's a compromise) and put the effort in even if all you can manage is a quickie! It works for us!

imgonnaliveforever · 07/01/2011 21:24

Your DH shouldn't get to have sex every time he wants it. But you shouldn't get to not have sex every time you don't want it. That's compromise.

FredKarnosCircus · 07/01/2011 21:26

Dozydoll - that's a really constructive post, thank you. We don't get any time for personal care or each other, we never go out on our own and ... guess what?! There's no romance left.

It's very important to us to be 'there' (a lot) (constantly, aaaarrrrgh) for the children and the youngest one is still dependent on breastfeeding, but I think we really need to adjust the balance.

I am depressed to work out that we haven't been drunk together since February 2005. FFS! I know it's not all about drinking, but it's a proven helper in these matters

earwicga · 07/01/2011 21:31

'But you shouldn't get to not have sex every time you don't want it. That's compromise.'

What!?!

That's not compromise. That's disgusting.

DozyDoll · 07/01/2011 21:59

earwicga IMO imgonnaliveforever is not suggesting that a DH has the right to have sex if a DW absolutely dead set against it - that's obviously illegal for a bloody good reason! But to not be 100% up for the idea initially, but to think 'oh why not' or 'alright then' is not disgusting at all - it IS A COMPROMISE. And whoever posted earlier and said you don't have to orgasm in order to enjoy it made a really good point. It's impossible for me to O sometimes with houseful of kids but that's not to say I don't still love it. The O hangup can put way too much pressure on both sides.

curlymama · 07/01/2011 22:23

So what would your compromise be earwica?

I think sometime you just have to go for it, your DH needs to understand that sometimes you will o, sometimes not, but either way it should be fine. Do you reallynot even enjoy the fact that you're close to him?

Imho, he can't have it every time he wants it, and you can't deny him every time you don't want it. Niether way is fair. You do have to compromise, and that may mean you doing it when you would rather go to sleep.

He has needs too, and just because he is a man it seems he's being branded as unreasonable for wanting to have sex with his wife. I find that .

You don't like the way he tries to turn to on, so tell the poor guy, he's not a mindreader.

Imagine if a woman had posted saying that she wanted more sex than her husband. That she felt rejected on a weekly basis, sometimes more. It made her feel unattractive and like he didn't care about her needs. She didn't like mastrubating, and she ends up thinking about sex more than she probably should just because it never happens. She doesn't want to put pressure on her husband or make him feel uncomfortable, but the situation as it is is beginning to really upset her and make her feel differently about her relationship. I wonder how different the responses would be.

earwicga · 07/01/2011 22:23

Your suggestion isn't in what was written above DozyDoll, but I don't find your suggestion particularly endearing either. A woman is 'dead set' against sex but gives up protesting under duress - where's the difference between this and rape?

Sex is NOT about compromise. Ever.

earwicga · 07/01/2011 22:26

The OP isn't rejecting her husband because she doesn't want to have sex with him. Being in a relationship doesn't mean your body now belongs to somebody else.

'and you can't deny him every time you don't want it.'

Christ! Yes you can, and you should. This is barmy and bloody scary tbh.

'He has needs too'

What are these needs? To penetrate his wife? Unbelivable

earwicga · 07/01/2011 22:27

curlymama, the answer would be the same. Why do you think anybody has a RIGHT to sex?

DozyDoll · 07/01/2011 22:46

earwicga re-read my post. I meant if you're dead set against then it's NO obviously, but if you just can't be arsed then sometimes make the effort.

curlymama · 07/01/2011 22:55

I don't think anybody has a right to sex, but I do think that in a marriage both partners have a right to expect sex sometimes. Presumably they were both ahppy with the amount of sex that was being had at the time they got married. I know things change, children come along etc, but at some point it is reasonable to expect that your sex life would go back to normal,unless something specific happens.

earwica, tbh, I think we we will just have to disagree.

You seem to be talking about sex as if it's some awful thing to have to do unless you are really turned on, and that's just not how I feel about it. It's not degrading or voilating, it's something you do for the person you love even if you don't always want to. I can't always be arsed to cook my husbands dinner, but I do it anyway.

Sex in a marriage should be a loving act between two people that want to share their lives, be close and love one another. Not some horrible degrading thing where a woman ends up feeling voilated. I see it in a simelar way to having a cuddle really. If I wanted a cuddle for some reason, but my DH didn't, I'd still expect him to want to cuddle me because he cares about me and cares about how I feel. It's not a huge thing for him to do for the benefit of the person he loves, neither is having sex. Not in my mind anyway.

DozyDoll · 07/01/2011 23:07

IMHO it's not about anybody's rights - if it's down to human rights NOBODY has a right to sex surely that goes without saying. The only human right here is the right NOT to have sex. Assuming that you love your DH/DP, though, why would you not want to make him happy some of the time, why would you choose not to compromise time after time?

It's just my experience, I realise it's not everyone's, but sex should not become such a contentious issue if it's at all avoidable.

earwicga it seems that you advocate using sex as some sort of weapon - or a control mechanism. Is sex the only issue in a relationship that you are wholly unprepared to compromise on?

imgonnaliveforever · 07/01/2011 23:12

"A woman is 'dead set' against sex but gives up protesting under duress - where's the difference between this and rape"

I'm sure genuine rape victims would have something to say about this!

PressuredPumpkin · 07/01/2011 23:12

curlymama

That is exactly right. I couldn't agree more. DozyDoll too.

earwicga · 07/01/2011 23:23

I am one of those 'genuine rape victims'.

'earwicga it seems that you advocate using sex as some sort of weapon - or a control mechanism.'

Quite the opposite. I don't consider it a RIGHT, as you seem to do.

earwicga · 07/01/2011 23:25

immagonnaliveforever - the question still stands.

DugOut · 07/01/2011 23:29

FredCarnos - YANBU but there is not an easy solution.

DugOut · 07/01/2011 23:29

I am a man and am struggling with this issue. My wife has a low sex drive like you and I basically have a sex drive like your husband.

Several posters above have suggested that if your husband stopped pressuring you and perhaps did more house work and stopped sulking and badgering then things would get better and you would feel more in the mood. I worked this solution out for myself many years ago. I do nearly all the housework in our house, I almost never initiate (about twice a year). I let my wife initate when she wants to. I am scrupulous about never nagging or hinting or sulking or grabbing or poking at my wife. I do not want to ever make her feel pressured. I love her and would hate it if she felt pressured like you do.

The fact is though, my wife has a low sex drive and no amount of housework or letting her take the lead will ever change that. She has a nicer life because I am considerate and we do have good times together. I am though very unhappy about the situation, in fact I am heartbroken at times.

I hid this unhappiness for many years until one day I couldn't hide it any more and told my wife honestly about my sex drive and how unhappy I felt. She was amazed. In fact, she had no idea because I had hidden it so well. She admitted she had never even thought about the issue. In fact, we have never argued about the matter ever. She promised to try harder but admitted it just does not occur to her for weeks and weeks if she has something else on her mind. Things have not changed for the better though and I am reluctant to raise the issue again.

What I have described is the possible alternate life you are asking your husband to lead. Hardly ever initiating for fear of putting pressure on you, letting you take the lead and never saying a word if you dont.

I dont recommend it as a solution and I suggest you find a better solution than I/we have.

curlymama · 07/01/2011 23:37

DugOut, thankyou for posting that, it is interesting to hear things from a mans pov. I'm sorry that you have to feel the way you do though, and I hope you manage to reslove things.

earwica, you still haven't answered what your compromise on this situation would be. Not meaning to be picky, I'm genuinely interested to see if you think there is another way round this.

earwicga · 07/01/2011 23:41

I don't think there is any way 'round it' curlymama. If libido is so different between the two partners that it makes one partner so disatisfied, then the marriage can clearly not continue in the same manner.

curlymama · 07/01/2011 23:54

So you don't think it would be preferable to just have sex with the person you love sometimes even when you don't feel like it, rather than breaking up an otherwise good marriage and destroying a family?

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