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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

532 replies

chloeloveshim · 03/01/2011 22:44

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court Shock and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him. Xmas Smile
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. Confused DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

OP posts:
BootyMum · 04/01/2011 16:57

But why would someone do this - it must take a lot of work and effort [not to mention recall of imaginary factual information] to be writing as both new partner and ex-girlfriend...

I am intrigued to know why anyone would do something like that!

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 17:02

Because random people working themselves up into a frenzy is funny to an uninvolved party, I would imagine.

If people here react strongly to things, then MN will get trolled now and then. Just how it is online. All communities get trolled, just as all have splinter groups who go off and form private, "uber" versions. Tis the nature of the online beast.

monkeyflippers · 04/01/2011 17:42

It seems genuine to me and the other linked posts do sound like they are from the XG. I don't think the writing styles are the same at all (as some people have said) as XG sounds more intelligent.

missmehalia · 04/01/2011 18:48

Vallhala, cannot stop laughing at what you wrote. Esp the Jesus and Mary in a speedboat one. Shall shamelessly steal it and find at least 3 occasions to use it within my normal speech/posting tomorrow!

Vallhala · 04/01/2011 18:57

:o

mommmmyof2 · 04/01/2011 19:21

Alot of people have commented on you and your partner on the comments you wrote. Thing is you proberly do think you really no him but people do lie! you are quite happy to beleive all the things his ex says are lies.
And whether you like her or not she has been bringing that child up while he has not been there, and to now say he wants full custody sounds like a bit of a smack in the face to her.
She may be a liar, she maybe all those things you say but then tell him to go down the right paths to finding out.If she has anything to hide then it will come out.But i doubt it, as she seems as though through some of the comments you made she has also had to put up with alot.
You have every right to want to support your partner but she is not your's, be there for him yes but don't do his dirty work.
At least then you no he is with you for the right reasons.

LittleMissHissyFit · 04/01/2011 19:28

So we've (potentially, but not necessarily had the troll, we've had the troll-hunters...

Have we had the troll-hunter-hunters yet? Grin

Anyone actually reported it?

[not arsed at all in slightest]

Grin
AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 19:31

nah, couldn't be arsed to report

we might not get the lovely partner coming on to abuse us all if the thread gets pulled

I am looking forward to it !

BeerTricksPotter · 04/01/2011 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pantofino · 04/01/2011 19:55

PMSL @AF

Animation · 04/01/2011 20:08

It's possible that this guy is an an Anti-Social type who, so far is VERY good at eliciting the OP's pity and sympathy. Sounds to me like bad news.

poshsinglemum · 04/01/2011 20:12

Alarm bells started ringing when yopu called her a loon tbh. Has he put this thought into your head?
He sounds like no catch and I would walk away tbh.

Animation · 04/01/2011 20:15

Calling a two year old a "real loon" ????

AnyFucker · 04/01/2011 20:23

no, the ex-gf is allegedly a "loon"

welshbyrd · 04/01/2011 21:00

I can not believe a man who believes his DD mother is a harm to his DD, whould actually leave the home and not take DD with him.
If she really was at harm, you partner is a cock for not doing enough to protect his DD
Do not believe this is the case though, I think you both are just being twats

She is not your DD, after 9 months together you could not even be considered her SM.

Original poster
chloeloveshim · 04/01/2011 21:13

Why thank you all for your replies. I didnt realise caring for a DP who is having problems, and little wonder tbh, was a crime. I didnt realise that caring about a defenceless small child was a crime either.
Have none of you heard of 'in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer'? Or do you all give your DP's and children the big heave ho when they need you?? I came on here asking for some assistance, I do not pretend to be who I am, or anyone else. I'm about to look at the other thread, would be an amazing coincidence if it is XGF, but DP did mention she looks at this site, and maybe it will give me more clues as to a woman in her position's state of mind, so thank you for that tip off. Smile

I have answered all your questions, except the stupid ones, and I get told I am the loon!!!

Had just as many insults as helpful posts on here.

Giving this a little thought, I think XGF must use the other site, because she definitely wouldn't be able to cope with the criticism people dish out on here, but off to have a look now.

Thanks everybody.

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeloveshim · 04/01/2011 21:14

welshbyrd, i think i covered that further back in the thread. DP did take DD when they first broke up.

OP posts:
coldtits · 04/01/2011 21:15

WHY the hell not? Your partner doesn't pay for his daughter's upkeep - is that not giving someone the old heave ho?

lucky1979 · 04/01/2011 21:17

"Have none of you heard of 'in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer'? Or do you all give your DP's and children the big heave ho when they need you?? "

Is that not what your DP did to his ex?

coldtits · 04/01/2011 21:21

I really really hope this child access case goes to court, and everyone's behavior is presented in public (or as public as they can be)

You have been ^unequivically derided for your absurd stance on this situation. that should teach you something about the situation, and the reasonability of your stance on it.

Your cocklodger's ex may or may not be abusive and neglectful - you don't know because you only have your cocklodger's word for it.

If your cocklodger's daughter is being badly treated, she needs input from her father, not from you. You are not the magic super nurse who can make everything better. This is not your situation to fix. Not Yours.

Seriously, withdraw from all dealings with your cocklodger's ex, and make it clear that he will be supporting, caring for, and paying for his daughter himself.

He will suddenly decide that his ex is a good mum, really.

Original poster
chloeloveshim · 04/01/2011 21:24

I am getting annoyed now.

coldtits, My DP loves DD, he does not miss seeing her EVER, unless XGF makes things difficult. My DP has been homeless for crying out loud, and STILL XGF would NOT let DP into her house to see DD. Shock She gave DP the heave ho, and now she wants him back! He will pay through the CSA. Not our fault the CSA take so long to set up payments, by that time DP has a job somewhere else.

lucky1979, DP did NOT finish the relationship with XGF. She finished it!

OP posts:
Original poster
chloeloveshim · 04/01/2011 21:25

coldtits, I doubt that, the day DP says he thinks XGF is a good mum will be the day I become Queen of Scots, PMSL.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 04/01/2011 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Animation · 04/01/2011 21:27

Why did she finish it?

FabbyChic · 04/01/2011 21:28

You have a ponce for a boyfriend Chloe, you yourself make disparaging remarks about his daughters mother, you have no right to do that.

You have no right to report her to social services or act like you are her mother, she already has one.

You say you will not respond to the stupid questions/remarks, but all we see is that tis you who is the fool, the loon.

You are nothing to your partners daughter and never will be.