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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

532 replies

chloeloveshim · 03/01/2011 22:44

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court Shock and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him. Xmas Smile
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. Confused DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 04/01/2011 14:11

I so hope this is a windup. If it's not, then how horribly sad for the exgf and the poor little girl, to have two such dreadful, delusional, abusive nutjobs in their lives.

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 14:11

And having just seen the second post - Christ on toast, that's appalling. You must know you had every right to blow up at him? And his failure over Xmas compound his behaviour and are in NO way your responsibility, either.

Some parenting lapses should be punishable offences, IMO. Angry

Vallhala · 04/01/2011 14:16

perfectstorm, I'm adding "Christ on toast" to my repertoire, along with Christ on a bike and Jesus and Mary in a speedboat. :o

emmyloulou · 04/01/2011 14:19

OFC it's a wind up, this is the 2nd lot of this type of post I have seen in a month.

Lat time it was an affair situation, DW posted a confession, DH posts about 2-3 weeks later.

Posting styles exactly the same, far too many concidences, so people link said threads and it can become a bit of a fight as to if it's true, don't out the troll, blah, blah, blah.

Yet again those posts are identical in the format they are written and all the coincidences.

Just a shame so many people have tried to give good advice as it's a waste and has upset a lot of people it would seem.

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 14:22

Yeah, I do wish people wanting to troll could pick less personally distressing subjects. I vote weaning. That one's downright barking mad, IMO - both methods work, everyone's kids get nourished - yet people get so fired up.

Can trolls stick to subjects like that, please? Just as much heat and fury but less potential for genuine distress.

jessiealbright · 04/01/2011 14:29

Well, you never know. Maybe a green young mumsnetter has read this thread, and will remember it when she meets her very own discarded sweetwrapper masquerading as a Soulmate. And she will turn down the opportunity to have her own wastrel.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/01/2011 14:34

If it's a troll, I'm weirdly impressed by how sophisticated the approach is. I thought trolls just sat there going 'your MUM lolol!!!1'.

That said, it's still a bit gross.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2011 14:37

I don't know, this two-sides-of-the-story twin threads has got me thinking ...

I'm now assuming this OP is not real for the well-analysed reasons perfectstorm gave Mon 03-Jan-11 23:57:56; and the author may well be the same as author of the "ExGF"'s threads - the writing style is very similar.

And the writing style is very polished. I'm thinking maybe a lazy journo looking to present one scenario from both sides and waiting for us (MNetters) to jump both ways? Then write about it in a ner-ner-ne-ner-neh way?

EvaLongoria · 04/01/2011 14:46

I have just read this whole thread and also the 2 linked threads of the "Ex-Girlfriend"

As much as I would like for this thread to be a whineup it does sound that like Chloeloveshim is the new girlfriend of the ex partner that portaloo talks about. She mentions in her post that the new girlfriend does not believe anything that she warned her about and is standing by him no matter what. I just dont see troll in these two threads at all.

jonesybells · 04/01/2011 14:46

Looking at the other thread I do think they are written by the same person, - I'm thinking that the 'ExGF' could be for real and she has now written this one posing as the new GF knowing she would get a roasting - and it's making her feel better.

maybe ?

Pantofino · 04/01/2011 14:49

Someone's new novel maybe?

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2011 14:50

We're back to

:)

emmyloulou · 04/01/2011 15:01

Eva, that's the whoe point though, to get people to pair the threads up as they are so similar.

It's some kind of entertainment for the op.

The posts have exactly the same writing style.

Not the first time I ahve seen this kind of coincidence this month and it's so obvious.

fuzzypicklehead · 04/01/2011 15:06

If they are linked, surely MNHQ can tell? i.e. they come from the same IP address? In which case, bye bye thread! (Which would be a shame, as it's been so very entertaining.)

emmyloulou · 04/01/2011 15:10

Not necessarily..........proxy server.

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 15:14

Not necessarily, though maybe worth checking anyway.

Thing is, even if the OP doesn't have access to more than one connection (work/home) there are a range of services that disguise IP - it's how many people watch new release TV shows on the company site from overseas - and some providers, eg. AOL are automatic dynamic proxy servers, so you are assigned a new IP every time you log on.

Though the posts do look as if composed on a mobile device - that style of formatting often results - so maybe that would be identifiable.

perfectstorm · 04/01/2011 15:15

Or, you know - what emmyloulou said.

Brevity never my forte. Grin

JennyRobyn · 04/01/2011 15:22

I honestly didn't think the two were written by the same person. The EX-GF sounds like she is going through a horrendous time and do believe this to be true

I just assummed this one was started to stir the shit and was either the current girlfriend or an unknown.

but now, thinking about what jonesy said would be plausible.

missmehalia · 04/01/2011 15:22

What strawberrymouse said.

Protect your own finances. Your partner should be paddling his own canoe financially, sounds like you're ready to give him a really easy ride.

As for the little one, she sounds lovely and I feel sorry for her possibly being caught in the crossfire. Give her a great time while she's with you, but check with her mum before doing anything drastic (eg haircuts, taking her somewhere hugely beyond her current experience, etc.) Seeing your child parented by someone you hardly know can be excruciating. For all her mother's supposed faults (and I do hear you on that), she's still the mum. And possibly doing her best, all on her own.

You can support your partner, but I suggest you stay out of all communication with the mum - that's supposed to be between the two biological parents. You're a significant adult in her life, not a parent. Hard lines, sounds frustrating, but do be careful you don't become his mother. At the moment, you're doing a lot of caretaking. I hope he's offering you as much!

BerylStreep · 04/01/2011 15:33

Have only read the OP so far, but tbh you sound like very hard work. Your partner doesn't have a job, pay maintenance, has reported the mother to social services and GP, and wants to take her DD away for her to live with you. I can fully understand why she is in no mood to talk to either of you. What about butting out of her life?

Off to read the rest of the thread.

ChickensAreFlyingUnderTheRadar · 04/01/2011 15:53

Arf at the Mills & Boon/Jezza hybrid novel Grin This thread is awful and compelling in equal measure.

MrsPennySworth · 04/01/2011 16:05

Exactly Chickens, like a car crash isn't it. You want to look away from it but you just can't help read a bit more...

The linked threads are too coincidental and the writing style is too similar too... can only assume that it's probably what jonesey said.

Bogeyface · 04/01/2011 16:29

I wondered about the Journo thing too, or perhaps the ex is genuine (I cant say why, it just reads as being more believable than this thread) and she posted here as the new GF to see what reactions would be to the other side of the argument, perhaps to if she really is being a "loon".

I know that there have been a few threads on here (the smokers one particularly) where I wonder what the reaction would be if the OP was written from the other persons POV.

HollyTwat · 04/01/2011 16:50

I'd put mOney on them being one and the same

The way the replies are constructed are identical

HattiFattner · 04/01/2011 16:54

could also be that the XP has a type - and both OP and the mum are very similar age/education etc.

But it does seem strange that the OP has not returned....Im betting that she will be back as soon as this thread falls off the "active" page to tell us some more details.

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