Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

[chloeloveshim]

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him.
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

here is the other thread - it is the exgf by the looks of it!

This is all very sad. I truly am appalled by you and your partner.
My youngest, is three and isn`t potty trained yet, as isn not ready, believe me have tried. My kids, being small children are always covered in bruises.
You have been taken in, hook line and sinker by this leech. No court in the land would give a dosser with no inclination to face up to his adult responsibilities and his latest gullible bit custody of that poor child. She por ex is probably doing her best on what she has, to provide for her child. You have no right to interfere, neither does the poor childs sperm donor, as he cannot be arsed to provide for her.
I do hope, for your, YOUR childs, and the poor other childs sake, you get a grip, wake up, and get out before, before your lives are ruined.

Should read, the poor ex, you need an edit button on mn!!

BLOODY WELL STOP CALLING THE CHILD DD! And Valhalla is correct, there is no 'we'.

Ugghh, what a vile person you are. I sincerely hope that your DP leaves you at the first available opportunity so that you can get out of this poor child's life.

You're sick.

Sadly, whether this is real or not, people like this bloody OP do exist. Save for the fact that my own ex was working but he and his new girlfriend were denying that he had a (self-employed) income and thus he paid no maintainance and that I had two DDs, this could have been written by my ex's GF. The suggestion that she and he took on my child, the accusations that I was a lunatic, the denial of his criminal/antisocial/unacceptable behaviour, the allegations that I'd made it all up out of spite, the dropping of him by his friends (because they knew which of us was telling the truth), the GF taking charge, telling me what I should be doing... reading this is like living my life all over again, to my distress.

Sorry to hear that Valhalla. I think in this case, the OP quite liked the idea of having a daughter, so thought she'd pinch somebody else's.

Yep, people like this do really exist

They can be found on the Jeremy Kyle show every morning...

(((vallhala)))

K12, i thought that too... IF it's real. Hence my pondering whether she'd be so involved if her child wasn't a boy.

Funnily enough, my ex's GF only had boys too. I reckon she liked the idea of having a girl, hence she suggested to ex-H that she took my two.

Must admit, I nearly hit the bloody roof when he told me that "Julie says I should go for custody and we should have the girls... " - he went from violent bastard with attitude problem to shocked at my fury bastard in a nano-second!

Not very often am i lost for words but am astounded by the OP's attitude....Thats of course if it's for real.

I'm thinking it is a wind up, as op seems to have her fingers in her ears. And she keeps ploughing on regardless....pretty shitty thing to do if it is.

Mind you still a really shitty thing to do if it is real. And Sadly as vahalla says this does happen, probably a lot more than any of us realise.

Either way OP i think you are a bit unhinged, and thats putting it mildly.

Oh... and I did have to laugh when I called him about the fact that the children needed winter coats and he wasn't contributing a penny, along with the fact that he'd consistantly refused to phone, write to or visit the girls. It was the start of the new year and so I added how heartbreakingly sad it was that yet again he had failed to even send them so much as a Christmas card or a tupenny sweet between them.

Julie took the phone from him and told me that the girls (aged about 9 and 10 at the time, though this had been going on since they were a babe and a toddler) should be sending him Father's Day cards "and then he might want more to do with them"!

She probably still doesn't understand why i told her to fuck off and put the phone down.

That's horrible, Vallhala. What happened in the end, if you don't mind me asking?

By the way, I do think this thread is real. Here is the other thread referred to below, apparently started by the ex: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/1109043-WWYD-WRT-XP-and-his-girlfriend.

I love the little "XGF became increasingly loony after DD was born" snippet.

The ex- partner tried to get the wastrel to shape up and take some responsibility for their child, perhaps?

Thats truly awful Vahalla Hope your DD's weren't affected to badly by thier behaviour.

K12 I read the other thread and am not sure if The OP has read that and made this one up or she is in fact the current girlfriend of the Ex. So gonna sit on the fence for now

I love the little "XGF became increasingly loony after DD was born" snippet.

Yeah me too. Even if the ex did go "looney" who can blame her? Think most sane people would lose the plot if they had to put up with this shit.

I actually think this is real, up to a point after reading the other thread. Even if it was only started to upset/invoke the fury of the OP of the other thread.

Saffy
I certainly would go berserk. I can't imagine coping with a baby, recovering from birth, and living with such a pathetic loser.

Reality

I was actually wondering if this could be the linked poster's ex's new gf, but didn't know how to find the thread!

The truth, K12?

The girls are now 15 and very nearly 14. Ex-H is still a complete shit and his GF no better. Ex took to visiting us once a month, for about an hour, about a couple of years ago, to offer far less than the CSA would require and far less than 99% of you would give your teenagers in pocket money, in order to get the CSA off his back. He would enquire after my life, boast of his own, his holidays, his new leather suite, where he had taken GFs DS, his new computer and so on and leave.

The past 6 months have been hell for the DDs and I, with DD2, who is a challenging, suspected SEN child, off of school so with me all day every day (long story, involving bullying). I've fought legal battles, had serious meetings to which he has been invited (he lives 5 miles away, has a car), written long reports and cc'd him in to get no response, not even feedback from him, asked him to attend meetings only to be told he'll think about it and then heard no more and had a pal come all the way up from London to support me because the girl's own father wouldn't.

Then he turned up last month for an hour, sat drinking tea, asking "have they done anything about a school for DD2?" and remarking that the only activity offered in this village for a child of her age, which she takes part in and very much enjoys, was inappropriate in his opinion.

So, I very quietly, very calmly let rip. No, "they" (the LA) hadn't, but I had... alone save for a friend of mine who owes us nothing but has done more for the DDs and is more respected as a consequence than him, their own father. That he had no excuse for not even ringing to chat to the DDs, none for not visiting his kids, none for questioning DD2s sports class, knowing that I have no transport and there is noothing else on offer in the village and yet not offering to take the girls elsewhere, not even for an hour in his own house for a DVD or a chat and had no excuse for expecting me to feed, clothe and pay the bills for 2 teenagers on £10 a week each whilst he smoked, drank, enjoyed holidays and ran a car.

It was when I was adding that he was a disgrace, an apology for a man and an apology for a father too that he picked up his cigarettes and car keys and walked out, saying that he wasn't going to sit there and listen to this.

I guess it'll come as no surprise to you to know that my two daughters didn't get as much as a card and a tupenny sweetie between them this Christmas either as a result of my big mouth. :(

No worries... it was expected. The girls have kind of got used to it by now. It's me who still cries for what he does to them but I'd rather that than they do.

This has to be a piss take

Linked thread uses identical formatting, and posting style - right to emoticon use and multiple question marks.

Weird.

Valhalla I'm so sorry. That's crappy, and must have been hell.

I so hope this is a windup. If it's not, then how horribly sad for the exgf and the poor little girl, to have two such dreadful, delusional, abusive nutjobs in their lives.

What right to you have to assume daughter is better off with you? She is not your daughter.

What makes you think, after a 9 month relationship, your relationship is secure enough to take this girl away from her mother?

As for concerns for how mother behaves toward DD, if its half as bad as you say, what decent human being would move out leaving DD in that situation

Your partner needs to get off his lazy ass, get a job, pay child maintenance, and pay a solicitor to get contacts arrangements for DD

Shame on you both, him for being useless, and not caring enough to provide for his DD, you for thinking after 9 months of relationship,to think your in a stable environment for DD.

Sounds to me like, your pushing for DD to move in with you, not your partner.

I wonder how you would feel, if your DS father had recently met someone, and they both started behaving the way you two have

The thought of losing your son etc, think about that, it might be the GOOD SHAKE UP YOU BOTH NEED