Dealing with partner's nasty ex girlfriend.

[chloeloveshim]

Partner and I have been dating for 9 months. He moved in with my DS, 7 and myself quite quickly and AFAIC, it's going okay.
I know my partner has some issues surrounding feelings of insecurity, but most of his issues were caused by her treating him so badly for years. He also finds dealing with some situations difficult, (authority figures telling him what to do) but he's really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together.

One of the situations he has struggled to deal with is that of his ex girlfriend.
Partner and ex girlfriend have a 2yr old DD and tbh she is crazy!! A real loon.

She made it difficult for him to see DD, but since I met him, XGF took him back to court and agreed to let him see DD at weekends.
XGF has since behaved very oddly and I'm not sure where we go from here.
A selection of her behaviour is: Attempting to tell me he is a thief/liar/cheat. Partner has told me XGF has begged him to go back to her, so I can only assume she is trying to put me off, but it hasn't worked, I'm prepared to stick by him.
She has told me my DS probably hates him (DS adores him) and that he will only get me into lots of debt (I pay my own way, unlike herself.)
She complains Partner doesn't pay maintenance (He has not found a job that has suited him for long enough to pay) then she said he stole money from her. (Where will it end?)
Partner and I noticed DD had a few bruises on her body, her inside lip was cut, and she had a cut on her head, so we reported XGF to Social Services. They have carried out a full investigation. Partner doesn't trust them though (you hear the stories in the news of them getting it wrong) so Partner also made a report to the doctor about DD development.
Now nutty XGF wont disclose who DD's optician is, even though Partner has every right to know.
We have resorted to refusing to respond to any form of communication, unless it is through a solicitor, because of the abuse she gives us on picking up DD. (we do not have a solicitor at present due to financial constraints) and XGF solicitor has costed and closed the case.
Her abuse is mainly to tell me to keep out of it. I am just trying to support my Partner. She has led him a rough ride, and I am more than happy to help him.
I do not class myself as getting involved, I am just supporting my Partner as best as I can. (He would like full custody and I believe he is a good dad to DD) I have also written a few letters to XGF (from Partner of course, but he is terrible at letter writing), have answered his mobile when he does not want to speak to her, and we chose to put her hair in French Plaits, which Nutty XGF says is too much too young. DD looked beautiful.

I don't think XGF is a good mother. She shouts and swears in front of DD, doesn't appear to care about her very much, and smokes. (I have seen all of this with my own eyes btw).

It has got to the point now where XGF will not speak, and we do not speak to her, but it is a strain. Obviously, there are day to day things we need to know, especially when DD comes to ours, and although we have asked XGF to respect our request not to make direct verbal contact, or telephone either of us, she simply refuses to do anything. I have written to XGF, and she is being churlish and childish to refuse to reply. (Another example of how she doesn't care for DD much at all.)

How do we proceed from here? We can't afford a solicitor, but she is taking our written word to the ludicrous extreme.

What do we do to make her understand that we will not tolerate her abusiveness and total lies about Partner, and to see it is for the best for the forseeable future for Partner to see as much of DD as she does. (Partner very hurt about this.)
We have proposed to her in writing that DD lives with us for a week, then her, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling, but again, she has not responded to our request.

How do I get through to someone so stubborn and unreasonable?
I want the best possible life for her DD, and I know that is with me and my Partner.

Maybe I am just ranting, I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me and my Partner??

I am sorry to report a university educated woman with a good job, has behaved in similar ways, and believed similar things who is now married to my exh. They did the same carry on in a smarter way, court documents later showed she came from a family of dysfunctional abusers, co dependants, alcholics, bankrupts etc, and her parents had done the whole court thing and judging mother as bad etc when she was a kid, her mother is now a social worker deciding who can and can't adopt... she grew up with no money and seems to think my kids don't deserve any either, it is scary the messed up people out to destroy other women they don't even know that are out there!

I am unsure if this op is real or not after my own experience, there are many fools out there educated and uneducated, and I was one of them, although I had no warnings from an exwife or kids when I met him in my early twenties ( I am no longer that same fool now).

If this is real I feel really sorry for the "loony" ex-girlfriend. My DD has plenty of bruises on her body, none put there by me. I'd be heartbroken if anyone went round saying I had.

As for the rest of it, OP sounds like a thick, deluded bully.

I haven't read the whole thread because I got stuck on one point of the OPs post so if I repeat something that's been said, I apologise.

I used to work for Family Support in the states and have seen men (and women) take a job, we find them, then they quit the job before we could start garnishing wages. I'm sorry, but it's totally disgusting that your OH can't find a job "that suits", that's total bullshit. He helped bring a child into this world and he needs to help support that child. And saying that he doesn't want to give money to the mother because of what she spends it on is crap as well. This isn't about his relationship with his ex, this is about supporting his child. Quite frankly, any man/woman who refused to support their child is a piece of crap.

While we're at it, why is he living with you and your DS when he's not working? So you're supporting a child and your OH and he does nothing? Sounds like a piece of work to me.

OP are you still not listening to what everyone is telling you? It's him that's the problem.Get out before you and your child are the next victims and leave his poor ex alone.

OP - I think you need to stop concentrating on the "issues" of the XGF and to stop trying to save your partner and to actually start looking at your own motivations and problems.

You sound very controlling and unreasonable. Why are you involved in this sorry mess, is it a distraction from what is going on in your own life/history?

So many red flags in your OP, previous posters have mentioned these already.

Oh I forgot to mention, the XGF is right that you need to stay out of it. It's none of your business as it is not your child. It doesn't matter that you are with him (for some unknown reason) it's between him and her, so butt out!

All ex's are "loons" even me ....

I read your origainal post and a few other things you've added and I just can't read anymore!

It's a perfect case of dodgy bloke, treats girlfriend and baby like crap, has serious issues (ex, family, working, authority), gets new girlfriend, moves in and ponces off of her, tells her ex is crazy, new girlfriend is a complete mug and believes the lot!

Seriously get your head out of the sand! Everything he has a problem with (and there's a lot) is apparently someone else's fault, not his.

It's such a cliche to slag off an ex like that and the new girlfriend believes the lot of it because she is so desperate not to be alone and thinks she can "save him" or some such crap.

If I were you I would think about everything she has told you about him and everything he has told you about her and think seriously about how you are sure which one of them is lying.

Also I noticed that you said his DD has shabby clothes . . . maybe that's because her really rubbish dad has never paid a penny towards her upkeep and she is living in poverty. Sure the mum get child benefit etc but since when has that been enough to support a little family on?!

You are making excuse after excuse for your partner because you WANT him to be right for you. WANTING someone to be right doesn't make them right. Accept what is staring you in the face, take your head out of the sand and get some common sense.

Also just like to add. Moving a new bloke in with your DS7, a bloke you had only known for 8 weeks, was incredibly stupid and irresponsible! I honestly am flabbergasted at that. What is wrong with you? You say she is a bad mum, well I don't know about that but I can say that YOU definately are!

How doesw buying tobacco and papers for your jobless partner benefit your son?

Funniest thread have read for a long time.

Nearly had an accident at cocklodger! ha ha ha ha

If it is for real then the OP is deluded.

I smoke and I don't smoke outside either, I have two kids does she want those? Oh stop it, mine are 22 and 17!

I've had to claim benefits because I've been sick for five years, even though I worked for 25 solid before that 12 hour days, am I now a chav?

OMG.

Laughable.

Sounds to me like the OP really is just a bit dim. I don't think this is a joke at all, she completely means all of it. SHE IS ACTUALLY THIS STUPID!

FGS you are not the mother, she is, how nasty to report her to social services. You`ve been with this man for nine months and you think you have some right for the pair of you to have full custody of her child!!!????!! Any idea of the damage you are doing to that child???

The OP, if she is indeed real and not a figment of some idiot's imagination, doesn't actually want any advice. Her mind is made up and she just wants MNs to agree with her. Hence the "yes but....yes but...yes but" answers.

ANy woman who haa come out of an abusive relationship only to hook up with another loser has her own problems, and clearly needs to sort out her own head.

OP, only when you have figured out what the heck is wrong with you that you crave love so badly that you are prepared to put up with a man who scrounges and expects you to sort out his life, (and I think that there are other problems also, no? the really trying to make good changes and we are working on these problems together rather implies that there is more going on at home, and all is NOT rosy in the garden) - ONLY THEN should you even consider whether you and your partner are the best possible people to be taking care of this child.

You should also consider the effect on your child.

I think my favourite line was the "insecure" (but all his ex's fault) one. I think that translates into he's a controlling jealous twunt, but only because he wuvs her sooooooo much.

Its not real, I can't see how it could be. The OP carefully spelled out all his faults in glorious technicolour, and those are usually dragged out of posters over intensive questioning. She volunteers his issues and financial slackness before she gets into anything the ex-g has "done" and people in denial usually only trot out the excuses for uselessness after having said uselessness prised out of them, because they try not to think about those aspects. It reads like a satirical short story, with the unreliability of the narrator shown so plainly, so early on.

Excdellent literary analysis PS.

This is so not real. Even if the OP existed, surely she'd be on Netmums rather than here?

It's not real because she posted in AIBU, where she knew the audience would draw blood. Anyone genuinely deluded would be more likely to head for Relationships.

Oi Op - he's a cocklodger - time to get rid!

On looking at the title should it not read, Im the nasty new girlfriend, if in deed it is true and not la la land stuff.

very funny thread. Thanks Chloe

read this and was horridied at the behaviour of "Chloe" then found this in Lone Parents..WWYD? WRT XP and his girlfriend?

Lol

This is clearly not real. The OP is doing the classic troll thing of ignoring all the accusations of this being a wind-up. If you are real, and you are accused of trolling, you get cross and defend yourself.

I hope this isn't upsetting whoever it was who posted about a genuine situation.

oh dear. what a thread!

if this is a wind up - nice work! please can someone link to the exgf thread?? pleeeaaase!!!

anyway if its not, chloeloveshim (and don't you just!) i think you need to research custody issues/the children act 1989 and so on. you and dp arn't going to get that child! the only circs under which you might are if the child is removed from exgf by ss and even then you and dp will be assessed first as to whether this would be a suitable arrangement for her. if dp has issues undisclosed to you she may end up in foster care. meanwhile if the abuse/neglect claims are unsubstantiated then a reasonable access arrangement is all you will be entitled to and in tis case the MOST the pair of you are entitled to. if exgf is assessed by ss as needing intervention then she will be supported by professionals to improve her parenting - this is a long way from having dd taken away from her. i assume since you haven't mentioned any more about it that the 'full investigation' didn't throw up any glaring issues.

even more meanwhile, is dp on the birth cert? i'll laugh if he isn't! but anyway i think this osunds like a civil matter regarding access in which case he needs to get a job and a solicitor OR better still begin to build bridges with exgf and make an out of court access arrangement (which you already have i think?)

lastly, if you think you are doing the best thing for dd then really think about what that is. the best you can acheive is to have a regular, upheld access plan that runs like clockwork so dd knows exactly whats what, and a civil, friendly relationship between exgf and dp. its not all about you pair and whether she is doing your head in. if you think dp and you have the moral highground then act like it!

Rubbish at links but this looks like it might be it.

Lone Parents..WWYD? WRT XP and his girlfriend?

thank you!