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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should come with me to our 12 week scan?

57 replies

pinkypanther · 03/01/2011 21:34

Title says it all really. Have my 12 week scan in 10 days. No one knows I am pregnant apart from DH, one of my friends who lives some distance away, and one workmate - haven't told anyone else because I have a history of MC, and had a bad bleed a few weeks ago so am very worried for the pregnancy Sad

I told DH the date as soon as I had it, and two days ago he said he couldn't come as he is "too busy" at work. Apparently he has a training course to go on. It's now a bit too late to rearrange the scan.

I think he should come with me whatever, it is his baby too, and TBH I am really scared that the scan is going to tell me the baby has stopped developing (this has happened to me previously). If the tables were turned I would move heaven and earth to go with him, but AIBU to expect the same? I am going to be the only person there on my own...

OP posts:
IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp · 03/01/2011 21:37

No you aren't BU - he knows your mc history - maybe he hasn't thought about that.

As your scan is 10 days away I'd call and rearrange if your hubby really can't make that day.

BTW congratulations and good luck.

SlightlyTubbyHali · 03/01/2011 21:37

Yes he should come, but you won't be the only woman to go to a scan on your own.

Does he understand how scary this is for you? Is he scared too? I had to have early scans (history of ectopics) and DH couldn't always come with me. It was tough getting bad news on my own but eventually I had a good scan and when I called him with the news I have never heard a man sound so relieved.

So no advice from me, except to say it really doesn't mean he doesn't care.

I hope it goes well for you. Do you have a sister or good friend who could come?

KangarooCaught · 03/01/2011 21:40

Yes, he should be there. Tell him "I need you to be there", not 'I wish..' or 'I would like..', but 'I need you to be there so I'll rearrange the appt to one you can make."

moggiek · 03/01/2011 21:41

YANBU. Is he afraid that it will be bad news?

curlymama · 03/01/2011 21:43

YANBU, but you do have a chance to ry and change the appointment. Explain to them why you want to.

Of course you and your baby should come first, but work training can be really hard to get out of and missing it can and does cause all sorts of difficulties. Don't be too hard on him.

Original poster
pinkypanther · 03/01/2011 21:43

Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot. DH just thinks I am being "negative" when I talk about my worries for the pregnancy - not sure he really gets it at all.

There are people I could ask to come with me, but it's not quite the same, none of them know I'm pregnant yet, and I don't want to have to try to hold it together in front of them if it is bad news.

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 03/01/2011 21:44

He should come. But could he be reluctant because
he's also worried and can't face up to it, after the previous problem? Have you talked to him about why he can't miss the course?

PhishFoodAddiction · 03/01/2011 21:47

YANBU, but you need to explain how much you need your DH there with you. If he can't get out of the work thing, then maybe you could re-arrange the scan? Failing that you may have to confide in your mum/ sister/ best friend and see if they can accompany you.

It's scary going on your own to a scan, but you wouldn't be the only one going on your own.

Congratulations btw and I hope that you have good news when you go for the scan.

ShoppingDays · 03/01/2011 21:48

YANBU

Original poster
pinkypanther · 03/01/2011 21:51

I could try to rearrange it I know, but (at this stage) the chances of finding a date he can do are miniscule.

I did suggest that we went privately so he could come at a convenient time (there is a world-leading nuchal scanning facility less than 5 minutes from his office, and we could easily afford the £150 it costs) but he doesn't want to spend the money Sad

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 03/01/2011 21:54

yanbu.

i don't think his worries for the pregnancy should excuse him from attending. you don't get that option and he should be there to support you.

PhishFoodAddiction · 03/01/2011 21:57

Is there no-one else who would be able to go with you for support?

troisgarcons · 03/01/2011 21:58

Whilst it would be 'nice' for your other half to be with you, in this economic climate, where employment is falling away - perhaps he's looking to the long term and keeping a roof over your heads?

EricNorthmansMistress · 03/01/2011 22:00

YANBU
he is being an utter wanker. I went to my first scan by myself merrily and all was fine, at the next one discovered I had a MMC. If I had been alone...I assumed it was your first pg and he had no concept of bad news but with your history...fucking twat.

Original poster
pinkypanther · 03/01/2011 22:05

Nope, not my first pregnancy.

I was on my own when I found out about my MMC, and on my own when I had to have an ERPC for that pregnancy - he was "too busy" to come to the scan or to the hospital for the op.

Sorry, this is probably AIBU by stealth now, but am getting more and more upset about this and should probably just leave this thread now!

OP posts:
GinGirl · 03/01/2011 22:05

My DH was due to come with me to the 12 week scan for DC2. But he owns his own company, someone rang in sick on the morning of the scan and so he couldn't come. He was gutted and felt terrible for ages despite me saying that it was okay (I may have suggested it when I saw how torn he was looking).

It wasn't great being on my own but luckily everything was fine. If I were you I wouldn't be able to cancel as would be too desperate to know that everything was okay with baby.

It is really tough, but ultimately down to you to call... what is more important, the knowledge ir his presence?

blackeyedsusan · 03/01/2011 22:06

Yes, rearrange the scan if possible, I hope it all goes well. it is very scary when you have had bad news before.

GinGirl · 03/01/2011 22:06

or his presence

kat2504 · 03/01/2011 22:06

YADNBU - you will be scared because of your history and you will need him there to support you and hold your hand. It's not just a matter of it being nice.
I was all alone when I found out I had had a MMC - it was at 10 weeks in the EPU, so not the scheduled 12 week scan that DP would have been with me for, and was the first appt I could get so he could not be with me in time. I never want to go through that alone again. If I am ever pg again I am sure I will be absolutely petrified of ultrasound scans. If he wont come to the NHS appt he should cough up the money to come with you to a private scan.

By the way, best of luck with your scan and congrats on your pregnancy.

streptococcus · 03/01/2011 22:06

YANBU given whats happened in the past.... however I think calling him a wanker is a bit harsh. If he has really tried to get time off and cant come maybe he really cant. not all employers are as good as they should be with this sort of thing and he may be worried about paying the mortgage. Is there anyone else who could go with you... mum/sister/close friend in case it is bad news?

pooka · 03/01/2011 22:07

Does he have a lunch hour?

Make the private booking regardless, for a time that he can make.

We went private for the scan with dc3 because was just so much more convenient and also because we could be precise with timings - i.e. we knew more or less when we'd be seen.

pink4ever · 03/01/2011 22:11

pinkypanther=sorry but your dh sounds like a complete wanker! I too have a history of msc and when I lost my 1st baby my dh couldnt come to scan(as was working for psycho boss at time!) hsd a good friend who came instead.but when it was confirmed bad news my dh came immediately.Ever since then he has been at every 1st scan(and he works long hours in a stressful job).
You really need to be honest with dh and tell him this behaviour is not on!. He had to be there to support you.END OFF.

Serendippy · 03/01/2011 22:12

YANBU to want him to come, but my DH was not granted time off work and cannot do flexitime, the hospital was too far from work for him to get to in a lunch hour or to get there before the last appointment. It was a bit sad but in the scheme of things, it will be forgotten. Hope all goes well.

Icoulddoitbetter · 03/01/2011 22:15

I think he's being an utter git too. You are in this together, 50-50, and that starts now. Tell him you want him there, be it NHS or private, and don't take no for an answer.b

EricNorthmansMistress · 03/01/2011 22:18

He's a fucking dickhead shitstain. I'm getting angry on your behalf now. My DH was out of the country when I had mu MMC and ERPC on the same day. He was devastated not to be there for me. What a fucking knob. Show him this thread Angry

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